I'm Still Trying to Grow Up and Give My Kids What I Didn't Have
5 minute read.
This story was written by Angela Miller at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
It is an extremely long story, and I'm still living it, so I'll try to be as detailed for a summary as I can be. Everything was perfect. Husband, wife, 4 kids. They finally bought a house for their family in 2002 and moved into it in January 2003- I remember when they bought the house. A year later my dad’s parents moved in and everything just started getting more hostile between my parents. When I was in 5th grade they separated. They went to a marriage counselor and after that night, two weeks later my mom left. She left my dad in the middle of the day during June, I was in school when I got a call to come down to the principal’s office, and they made us go with her, so she uprooted our lives and made us go to her parent’s house. My mom claims it was only an "overnight bag that was packed" but had clothes for us packed for almost a week. My dad called about 7 pm that night to my grandparent’s house (my mom’s parents) and he promised, which has since been broken, that he would "never drink or never do drugs". My mom has since tried making the claims that he left her and recants it then says, “Well he kicked her out,” which also didn't exactly happen the way she said it did. She started seeing a woman the same summer that she moved us. August that summer we were moved into this woman's house. So mom came out as a "bi-sexual." My dad didn’t visit us for months into the separation. In 2007 my dad threatened to kill my mom, so she got a restraining order against him for a year. After that year was over, he was court-mandated to see us every Saturday for 5 weeks, 5 hours each time which he did. He even called my mom and asked for a longer Saturday on the last visit. She claims now that he cut it short but that's false. After that, it was 3 years until we saw him again. I was 13 when this happened. I was then 16 when I saw him again. My older twin sisters were 18 and my younger sister was 14. My younger sister and I went to my dad's every other weekend until he did drugs in front of us and my dad also tried getting me at 16 years old to date his 25 year old drug dealer. I came back and told my mom and she just laughed at me. After that, he looked me in the face on his couch and told me that my younger sister and I could not come around anymore because he and his drug dealer had to smoke pot. My older sisters were out of my mom's house. One sister was in college and the other was living with her boyfriend from a teen pregnancy. I also at 19 got pregnant (long story). My other sister has been the only one of us to graduate college. I was in culinary school but my younger sister got into drugs and started selling on school premises so my mom asked me to come home because she couldn't raise my younger sister alone. I got super depressed and failed out. I came back, enrolled in college closer to home and I would get phone calls almost daily that my younger sister left school and I needed to go get her and bring her home. I was neglecting my adult education because my mom couldn't do it so instead of raising her child I had my own. There's so much and I could go on but basically, I'm married now almost 8 years and have 6 beautiful children and even became a Catholic convert! I have attempted suicide that I never told anyone about except my husband, I still deal with pain and anger but I'm trying.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
It was a rollercoaster. I still cry. My family was my family. They were the "inseparable couple." They had a huge church community, I had a great school and friends and my mom ripped all of it away from us so she could be a lesbian. It was "her life" and we need to stay out of her way. We were an inconvenience and "outside influences" that made her relationship with this female hostile. I felt like if it wasn't for me telling my dad I would live with Mom this wouldn't have happened. I hold a lot of responsibility still.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
It absolutely impacts me as an adult. My dad is still not around and my mom still tries to tell me my dad hates me and never wanted me. It's a lot and I wish we could talk! But yes, as an adult I'm still trying to grow up and give my kids what I didn't have. I don't trust people. I have the hardest time trusting my husband because I'm so scared he's going to leave.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Ignore the spiteful things that your parents say to you. They hurt you because they can't hurt each other. Suicide is not the answer, you can write your own story and rely on God because without him I would have crumbled.
It is not your fault.
It is not your fault.
It is not your fault.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?
They need someone to talk to. I had no one. I was very alone and in a dark place. People need to realize the signs of depression because it can be so bad that the person will kill themselves and "oh my how." If they're young enough, a judge needs to talk to the teen about home life without the parents present. Living with my mom was so bad and she thinks she was great. Living with my dad would have been just as bad but my grandma- mom's mom asked her if I could live with her. Something needs to be done about parents’ power trips as well.
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