You Are Not Your Broken Family

4 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 26 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 20. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Both my mom and my dad came from very broken families. The two of them being together was a perfect storm in many ways. They both desired to be better than the families they came from (especially my mom), but they really didn't have the tools to do so. My dad is a functioning alcoholic and had an awful temper growing up. My mom had depression and anxiety/paranoia. They fought often and the household atmosphere was very tense. It was almost like my parents were already emotionally divorced my whole life.

I was 20 and about to enter my senior year of college when my mom came into my room one night to tell me she was going to divorce my dad. My memory is extremely foggy (I'm sure because I was so stressed), but after that, I remember both of my parents sitting down with me and my five younger siblings to officially tell all of us that they were divorcing. At first, they decided to keep all of us in our house and rotate which parent would be with us. After a couple years of that, my sister, brother, and I moved out, so my parents sold that house and my three remaining siblings went back and forth between my dad's new house and my mom's apartment.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I remember breaking down after my mom left my room that night. I sobbed and immediately prayed to the Blessed Mother. I remember feeling a heavy burden on my heart and on my shoulders. I felt abandoned and alone. I knew I was going to be the sole comforter and emotional support for my younger siblings as our parents went through with the divorce. Growing up I had already created a habit of taking on family’s problems that weren't mine to bear. That (with many other maladaptive behaviors/thought patterns) majorly intensified after the divorce. I was extremely stressed all the time and I was grasping at the people in my life for the support I needed.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It's impacted me in countless ways. When I listen to your podcast episodes, there are so so many things I relate to. I would say that fear has been the biggest factor in affecting my daily life. I was already an anxious person, and then the divorce was just the cherry on top. My brain would constantly race, thinking about my siblings and my parents, worrying that something awful was going to happen to someone. I would catastrophize and then imagine how to prepare for each theoretical, terrible situation. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Friendships and relationships felt overwhelming because my family was a heavy weight. Now as a little bit older adult, I still struggle with those things. Praise God, this past year is kind of the first in my life where my family is relatively stable and it's not necessary for me to be their first line of defense in any given emergency, so to speak. I've been in therapy and able to focus on rewiring these defense mechanisms I don't need. But it is very difficult and very exhausting work.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

First and foremost, you are not your broken family. Instead of operating out of a false identity or no identity at all, live from the truth that you are still a beloved daughter or beloved son. That is how we break the cycle of our parents' divorce and unhealthy family dynamics. I know I felt torn and broken, but the truth is you are still whole and you will be okay. You have the ability to choose what your present and future will look like. You can absolutely do these hard things even when you feel worn down and tired. Lastly, find good, solid people and surround yourself with them. Fill your life with people you aspire to imitate, especially happily married couples.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

Support, support, support. We need mentors more than anything, I think. Someone to listen to us and who knows what it's like to be where we've been. We need healthy relationships with people who can show us how to live good lives and how to build holy families. Just like anything else, early intervention is key. We need those mentors as soon as possible after we experience divorce and separation. I think the longer we live with that gaping hole in our hearts without examples of love and support, the more damage is done and the longer it takes to heal.

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I Knew That Not One Bit Of It Was My Fault

5 minute read.

This story was written by Autumn M. at 24 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My father started his first of three affairs when my younger brother was a baby. He would put on his bedazzled jeans, whiten his teeth, and go out on "business meetings" Thursday nights with his secretary. Later, he would spend a large portion of his weekends anywhere but home, usually playing this sport or doing a bike ride, all the while meeting (and doing other things besides) with a fellow married triathlete woman.

My mother and father both came from broken families. My father's father was an adulterer himself, even leaving the family for a few years to sow his wild oats. While he eventually came back to the family, I'm sure it was painful for my dad, especially because his mother had "spouse-ified" him due to his emotional tenderness. My father's mother had her father walk out on her shortly after she graduated high school. This pain and suffering led to my grandmother falling into a borderline Christian cult just so some things seemed more certain in her life.

As for my mother, her father was a sexual abuser and her mother did not prevent it. In fact, her mom was in some ways the worse abuser of the two, at least physically and emotionally. My mom's mom had an alcoholic and sexually abusive father. Not surprisingly, her parents' marriage ended in divorce. The vow she made to herself was "I will never get divorced." Then, because of her husband's proclivities, she had to do just that.

My parents told me that Dad was leaving the house when I was 14. I was the only one of my siblings who really understood all of the ramifications – in fact, I had known this was coming. Kids see a lot more than their parents think they do. The music my mom was listening to and the sleeping in separate bedrooms did not go unnoticed by me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The rupture was awful. After going back and forth on weekends for a few weeks, I chose my mother, forever. I was old enough to just barely escape the court system's clutches and I never went back to my father's house. My mom quickly became destitute because of the monetary costs of divorce, but she still always paid for my dance classes.

Meanwhile, I had just started high school. During that year, I quickly got sick and developed an immune condition I am still dealing with today. My mother friend-ified me; I unwittingly became her close confidant as she wept and wept over her rage at my father. I knew what my father did was heinous, but it hurt to hear her treat him this way even so.

My brothers continued going back and forth. I wrestled with knowing that I could not protect them from the women my dad would introduce them to. I struggled with the feeling that I was the only one who could stand up to my dad's BS, and I wasn't there. But I knew that if I was there, I would be one step closer to suicide. And I had to stay alive for my brothers. Only recently has my younger brother understood my choice. My older brother still does not.

I felt anxious, betrayed, angry at God, angry at my mom, and angry at my dad. Angry at the world. Unlike other children of divorce, I knew that not one bit of it was my fault. And that made me angrier. It made me angry that my mom treated me as her therapist and if I protested her emotional trauma-dumping, she would say that it made me a bad daughter. I was mad we were poor, I was doubly mad that my dad made off way better in the divorce, despite the myth that the system favors the wife. I couldn't trust, I couldn't believe God loved me. If He had, why did He let this happen to me, I would think.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Aside from developing depression and two other physical conditions, the divorce sent my faith (what little of it there was) into a death spiral. I became a nervous, sad, unvulnerable person. I struggled with receiving any sort of love and affection. I was hopelessly addicted to pornography, and as a woman, the shame the sin carried was even greater.

The first boyfriend I had had many of the neuroses of my father. Freud would have been proud. Anytime we had a fight, I would think that the relationship was over, a feeling I still struggle with today. I was a walking doormat, a people pleaser, and I could not voice when his behavior made me uncomfortable. Thankfully, through the grace of God and through wonderful friends and mentors, I found God, dumped the boyfriend, and began my healing process that I am still on today. Soon, I would like to meet my father again and forgive him in person.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

When your mom or dad speaks negatively about the other parent, just know that they are speaking out of hurt. They still love you and love the parts of you that are your father's or mother's. They were in love when you were made.

Second, please do not try to hide your pain or struggles so that Mom or Dad will be okay. You have needs and your parents' divorce does not mean that you put them on the back burner.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think everyone from a broken family should be given conflict resolution tools. We all struggle with feeling that we are unlovable, so any argument feels like "the other person hates me." This is not true, but we could all use some communication tools to be better able to communicate our feelings in heated moments like these.

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They Both Make Me Feel Trapped.

2 minute read.

This story was written by Alexandria Boness at 16 years old. Her parents divorced before she was born. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were separated before I was born and I've mostly lived with my dad. My mother isn't a very stable person, she has drinking problems, smokes a lot, and has a hard time holding a job. She was in abusive romantic relationships and would bring them around when I would visit her house. As I got older, I remember visiting her and her getting super drunk at 1 am and then having me in a car as she flew through intersections. I felt horrible about her drinking problem and I wanted to help her, but she is very manipulative and makes me feel bad when I can't be with her and no longer living with her. My dad isn't helpful mentally, however, and they both make me feel trapped.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It made me feel like I had to choose a parent I liked better and they constantly would talk bad about the other parent. It was a lot for me to listen to and deal with as I got older.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It has not impacted me well and I feel anxious and depressed. I want to leave my family more to be able to breathe and figure out my family for myself without the opinions of others. I don't think I have a good relationship with my parents now.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It doesn't define you and you can still have a relationship with both of your parents. You should never feel like you are the problem or the divider because it's not your fault. If your parents don't get along well, don't let one parent's opinions and statements dictate how you feel about the other parent. If it's a toxic household, try to find time to breathe.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think there needs to be therapy for this specific area so that kids are understood. Support sources are also super helpful and check-ins can help someone get through a divorce or separation

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It Affects Everything…

2 minute read.

This story was written by Steven Thomas at 61 years old. His parents divorced when he was 15. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

It goes back many generations. If we just focus on my grandparents, the dysfunction is already present. My father's father left the family when he was just a young kid. There is some speculation around if he left, or was kicked out by my grandma, who I am told had her personal issues...I will call them "twisted," for the sake of discussion and to not cause scandal. On my mom's side, her father was a sexual abuser, so they had to move her away from the family at an early age. So both parents had a very fragile foundation. My father, who has passed away was an alcoholic; as well as unfaithfulness in his marriage. My mother did the best she could to try to make things work until everything came to a head. My father was always working and never went to any games, so there was never the sense of support a kid would want or expect. They were very dark times growing up.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I always say, when a kid goes through a divorce, there is a fracture or fissure in the center of one's soul, and it never really heals. There was a real sense of aloneness, low self-esteem, and feeling very much abandoned and insecure.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

It affects everything...my marriage, my ability to be a good father, my whole sense of what it means to be a man. It is a slow grind to find healing and to fight to become the person God has meant me to become. The sense of my personal identity was something that took many years to truly begin to discover and understand.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Turn to God who is the perfect Father, turn to His Son who is the perfect brother, turn to the Mother of God who is the perfect Mother! Take the darkness that always enters in and give it to Jesus on the cross. Offer it for the redemption of many souls. I remember the turning point in my life was reading about the story of Fatima, and how these young little children offered all of the sufferings for souls, who they were given a vision of, who were falling into hell. All of us victims of divorce, the massive wounded army that we are can make a difference. We can transform our suffering into a prayer. And forgiveness really is the most powerful thing we will ever do.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

Take them out of their isolation, so they know they are not alone.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

You Have Experienced Both a Significant Trauma and a Genuine Injustice

2 minute read.

This story was written by Lincoln Brown at 28 years old. His parents divorced when he was 11. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

Simply put, my mother picked my brother and I up from school one day and took us to a new house, just near my childhood home/father’s house. My father didn’t know this was going to happen, or where my mother was moving to. They had always had a turbulent relationship, but this was a dramatic escalation that I did not anticipate. I was stunned but I helped my mother unpack boxes, which I suppose was because I thought that if I was helpful and maybe I could potentially calm her down and improve the situation. I remember asking my mother whether we would be back home by Christmas and she said that she didn’t know, which is when I started crying. The next day, my father found me as school was ending and made me take him to my mother, which of course ruined her plans of keeping her whereabouts secret, and they had a big fight. That describes the event of the separation itself.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I was unable to trust my parents after this happened. I felt a great sense of loss and grief, and I was confused about whether it had been my fault, and whether they would get back together.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

I became a very angry teenager. I felt unable to share my true emotions with family members. I felt ashamed of my desire for an intact family and told myself to toughen up and get over it for many years.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Give yourself permission to be honest about how you feel. You have experienced both a significant trauma and a genuine injustice.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think that spaces where divorce is acknowledged as a trauma and where children of divorce can share their stories, find good role models, and support one another would be transformative.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I'm Still Trying to Grow Up and Give My Kids What I Didn't Have

5 minute read.

This story was written by Angela Miller at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

It is an extremely long story, and I'm still living it, so I'll try to be as detailed for a summary as I can be. Everything was perfect. Husband, wife, 4 kids. They finally bought a house for their family in 2002 and moved into it in January 2003- I remember when they bought the house. A year later my dad’s parents moved in and everything just started getting more hostile between my parents. When I was in 5th grade they separated. They went to a marriage counselor and after that night, two weeks later my mom left. She left my dad in the middle of the day during June, I was in school when I got a call to come down to the principal’s office, and they made us go with her, so she uprooted our lives and made us go to her parent’s house. My mom claims it was only an "overnight bag that was packed" but had clothes for us packed for almost a week. My dad called about 7 pm that night to my grandparent’s house (my mom’s parents) and he promised, which has since been broken, that he would "never drink or never do drugs". My mom has since tried making the claims that he left her and recants it then says, “Well he kicked her out,” which also didn't exactly happen the way she said it did. She started seeing a woman the same summer that she moved us. August that summer we were moved into this woman's house. So mom came out as a "bi-sexual." My dad didn’t visit us for months into the separation. In 2007 my dad threatened to kill my mom, so she got a restraining order against him for a year. After that year was over, he was court-mandated to see us every Saturday for 5 weeks, 5 hours each time which he did. He even called my mom and asked for a longer Saturday on the last visit. She claims now that he cut it short but that's false. After that, it was 3 years until we saw him again. I was 13 when this happened. I was then 16 when I saw him again. My older twin sisters were 18 and my younger sister was 14. My younger sister and I went to my dad's every other weekend until he did drugs in front of us and my dad also tried getting me at 16 years old to date his 25 year old drug dealer. I came back and told my mom and she just laughed at me. After that, he looked me in the face on his couch and told me that my younger sister and I could not come around anymore because he and his drug dealer had to smoke pot. My older sisters were out of my mom's house. One sister was in college and the other was living with her boyfriend from a teen pregnancy. I also at 19 got pregnant (long story). My other sister has been the only one of us to graduate college. I was in culinary school but my younger sister got into drugs and started selling on school premises so my mom asked me to come home because she couldn't raise my younger sister alone. I got super depressed and failed out. I came back, enrolled in college closer to home and I would get phone calls almost daily that my younger sister left school and I needed to go get her and bring her home. I was neglecting my adult education because my mom couldn't do it so instead of raising her child I had my own. There's so much and I could go on but basically, I'm married now almost 8 years and have 6 beautiful children and even became a Catholic convert! I have attempted suicide that I never told anyone about except my husband, I still deal with pain and anger but I'm trying.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It was a rollercoaster. I still cry. My family was my family. They were the "inseparable couple." They had a huge church community, I had a great school and friends and my mom ripped all of it away from us so she could be a lesbian. It was "her life" and we need to stay out of her way. We were an inconvenience and "outside influences" that made her relationship with this female hostile. I felt like if it wasn't for me telling my dad I would live with Mom this wouldn't have happened. I hold a lot of responsibility still.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It absolutely impacts me as an adult. My dad is still not around and my mom still tries to tell me my dad hates me and never wanted me. It's a lot and I wish we could talk! But yes, as an adult I'm still trying to grow up and give my kids what I didn't have. I don't trust people. I have the hardest time trusting my husband because I'm so scared he's going to leave.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Ignore the spiteful things that your parents say to you. They hurt you because they can't hurt each other. Suicide is not the answer, you can write your own story and rely on God because without him I would have crumbled.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

They need someone to talk to. I had no one. I was very alone and in a dark place. People need to realize the signs of depression because it can be so bad that the person will kill themselves and "oh my how." If they're young enough, a judge needs to talk to the teen about home life without the parents present. Living with my mom was so bad and she thinks she was great. Living with my dad would have been just as bad but my grandma- mom's mom asked her if I could live with her. Something needs to be done about parents’ power trips as well.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

This Unloved Feeling I Had Made Me Receptive to the Gospel

4 minute read.

This story was written by Billie White at 25 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents were married for a little over 20 years. Their relationship was extremely unhealthy even before the divorce. The counselor assigned to our family during the divorce reconnected with my mom 10 years later and she mentioned my dad was “no doubt abusive. It was by the book.”

My dad, married for less than a year to a woman before my mom, had separated from my mom once (possibly more) during their marriage before he found a woman who he says he loves. He married her 6 months after the divorce of my parents was finalized.

During the divorce, my dad controlled my brother and me to make us do what he wanted like move to a different town and school. He forbade us to talk to our mom. We were also told to find somewhere else to stay for a while. We jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house for about 2 weeks. We had a third party who was able to be a moderator for us, helping us see that we needed to respond to the attempted contacts from my mom. We did. This was the start of my healing process by standing up to my dad.

In short, during the divorce, I simultaneously started on a destructive path as well as connecting with my play director (a pastor’s wife), which is a huge story leading to my salvation.

I initially didn’t think the divorce affected me because I was told it wouldn’t affect me because I “was older”. I’ve since found as I get older and more mature as a Christian that it is harder because I understand what happened and how people should strive to be like Christ. I had to process and grieve it all over again. My husband and I have 2 kids, and my parents having grandchildren has completely changed the situation as well.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I felt alone and unloved, but I felt that even when my parents were married. At 8 years old, I wrote in a journal a conversation between my brother and I. We knew our parents would get divorced. We expected them to divorce after we graduated high school.

This unloved feeling I had made me so receptive to the Gospel.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

As a teen, it allowed me to make my own decisions - good and bad. I chose to go to a Christian university 780 miles away, and that was the second-best decision I’ve ever made, the first being to follow Jesus. As a young adult, I had the space to learn what Christianity is and who Jesus is. I was raised in a “no religion/politics” household. I had a lot to learn and unlearn from my childhood.

As a married woman with 2 children, it has really shown me how evil divorce is. I understood the weight of my parents’ decision as my mom didn’t want the divorce.

Having children has made it more difficult for me because I wrestle with the balance of keeping space between my family (mainly my dad) for my mental state while also honoring him as my father who did do good in my life. I’ve recently been focusing on how my dad, specifically, is a person (made in the Image of God) instead of focusing (and being filled with anxiety) on my dad being my dad.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Focus on what is true: I feel ___. I am ___. Allow yourself to have emotions. Having a community in some way: to God, a person, even journaling. I was advised by the school counselor (whom I only saw 1 time because my dad found out and threatened everyone) to write what I was feeling down and make sure no one found it. That saved my life, I’m sure. I was starting to be suicidal, in thought. It also helped me process through my emotions as I went back and read it years later. I showed it to my best friend and my husband. It helped them to understand what I was feeling and how it affected me.

What do you think needs to be done to help teens and young adults from divorced and separated families?

First, we all need Jesus. We also need the church. The question is how exactly do we do that? They need a safe place to belong. I had to sneak out of my house to go to youth group once a week.

I think adult children of divorce need practical advice and examples of a “healthy” life. Being a Christian, I am unlearning many toxic behaviors that caused my parent’s divorce.

We need to know how to live a holy (Christ-like) life to ultimately give glory to God, and then raise our kids up in a way that they may follow Jesus, too. What does it look like to maneuver today’s world and our roles as adults, spouses, and parents, as Christians? That is what I was looking for when I found this podcast.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

My Parents’ Divorces Changed Me

3 minute read.

This story was written by Victoria Garcia at 39 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 3. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were divorced when I was 3. Both of my parents remarried. I lived with my father and my sister went with my mother. My dad remarried when I was four. When my second mother was 7 months pregnant with my brother and I was so excited to be a big sister. My dad told the two of us that we had two days to spend together and that he was leaving my mom. My dad flew me out to a different state to live with my grandparents for a year while he flew to another state and set up a life with his new girlfriend. He came and got me after a year. My dad and his new girlfriend remarried when I was 10 years old. I did not have any contact with my second mom or brother for the next 12 years. I remember being confused in school because I had gone through three different schools, three different states, in three different households in like a year and a half. I look back now and I’m devastated at how it all happened. I very much had empathy with my dad because his parents were both married two or three times each; as I have become a parent, I’m just now realizing the effects that had on me and that I have feelings too and they were valid, though at the time they were not. My dad was like my best friend during his second marriage, and when I came to live with him and his new girlfriend, he was a completely different person.

School was a struggle. My new stepmom had me go through ADHD stuff and I had this obsession with boys and wanting to be married and be a mom and a wife. I was also molested at seven years old during my dad’s second marriage by a friend’s older sister and I did not tell anybody. That led me into a life of masturbation. At 16 years old I got pregnant at my first sexual encounter and had an abortion because I thought my parents would kick me out of the house. As you could imagine that devastated me and put me in a downward spiral because I just wanted to be a mom and a wife. I was engaged two separate times and married once for eight years. With my ex-husband, between the two of us, we had 11 parents and I just wanted to make it work. I only wanted to be married one time. Well, that ended in 2021. I knew that my parents’ divorces changed me, but it wasn’t until I listened to the restored podcast that I felt validated! I listened to the first podcast and streams of tears rolled down my eyes because I do not know anybody else who has had three sets of marriages by 10. I always felt like an outcast. I always felt like the black sheep and I grew up to be the black sheep; drug addictions, alcohol abuse, unhealthy relationships, you name it…that was me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I was pretty lost when I moved back with my dad and his new girlfriend. I felt out of place, alone, and probably confused. I honestly don’t remember my dad or his new girlfriend/my new mom(mom#3 if you’re counting) ever talking to me about what happened; I was never offered counseling.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Not feeling heard, valued, or worthy of love. Not knowing what a relationship is supposed to look like, never sharing my feelings, and more.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Look to God. Find a family member that hears you, a mentor. Share your feelings.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Divorce Caused Emotional Barriers

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 52 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were very young when they got married. As a matter of fact, the reason they married, from what I was told, was because my mother got pregnant with me. It was brought to my attention that my father really liked someone else at the time, but decided not to pursue the relationship due to my mother being pregnant. My parents then married and stayed married for 16 years. During those 16 years, there were many trials and tribulations. From what I was told by a family member, they appeared to have started out with a pretty good marriage but after 3 years things started to change. They basically started many arguments and fights, and it grew more and more over the years until finally one day my father couldn't take it anymore, and finally decided to leave my mother.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE Her FEEL

At the time, I was somewhat relieved because I got tired of them arguing.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Well, I think it has caused some emotional barriers. I then got pregnant at the age of 19 and had my first child at age 20, and married, but due to being so young and a college dropout after I got pregnant we decided to get married shortly after my first child was born. In that union came two more children, and the stress of being a new mother, and young wife started to cave in on me. It was when I discovered I was pregnant with my third child and the stress of being a mother that this was not for me. I began to get very depressed and after the third child was born I went into severe postpartum depression and had to be hospitalized for this. I felt so guilty for going into this state. I felt as if I failed at being a mother. I began to feel that I should have had better control of my emotions, and that if other women who had far more kids that they were raising could handle them why couldn't I? But I suddenly felt a sense that this was not for me, and later my ex-husband at the time decided to separate from me. However, the two oldest daughters he took from me, but I ended up raising the baby, but still got to see my other children.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I would say it is wise to seek counseling.

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I Knew I Was Different

5 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous man at 64 years old. His parents divorced when he was 5. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

his STORY

My father was in the military and was medically retired from service for mental health issues. My mother and father’s marriage produced three children. My father’s mental health collapsed to the point where his anger and inappropriate outbursts scared not only his created family but his own brother and sister. I will jump to the final event that spurred the divorce of my parents. My father was caught by my mother suffocating my youngest sibling who was a baby at the time. My sibling survived without lasting physical results.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE him FEEL

I was five years old, but I feared my father. Sadly, I cannot recall a single good memory of my Father. I never remember an encouraging word. I don’t remember a hug. I never experienced love from my father. I knew something significant had happened in our relationship with our father and mother. I knew intuitively that my mother no longer loved my father. I honestly don’t remember much about how my father reacted. I do remember him telling my oldest sibling and me he wouldn’t be living with us anymore. I don’t remember being surprised or emotional about it.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED him

As a young boy, I knew I was different. Our family had moved five times before I was six years old. I had been in three different schools before second grade. Our family minus our father relied on social programs like food stamps. I was totally embarrassed going grocery shopping with my mother. After living in modest homes or duplexes with my father, we now lived in a ten-foot wide by 55-foot-long trailer. My mother drove a late model car because the nice four-door Chevy sedan she drove had an electrical fire and burned up on the side of a highway. My mother returned to work while my siblings and I were still in elementary school. We became “latchkey” kids. We were literally unsupervised and on our own when my mother was at work apart from while we attended school. In the Summer months, our babysitter was the public pool. Naturally, we fell into sin. We stole. We shoplifted. We smoked cigarettes. I struggled in first grade and was pulled out of class for one-on-one speech therapy. In sixth grade, I was enrolled in a summer school math class, which I decided on my own was a waste of my summer experience, and just quit going. I walked out of the class with the teacher yelling at me to return. Which I did not. I hated school. I often daydreamed in class and didn’t pay attention. I had the attitude of how this related to my situation. I had anger issues. If I had a physical confrontation, it was always with boys. They always backed down from my aggression. I don’t think they knew how to react to someone so mean and out of control of their emotions. My teachers didn’t either.

By ninth grade, I had a girlfriend and was having sex with her. She was the first of other girls and women I would have sexual relationships with until my marriage. In high school, I occasionally smoked pot and drank beer. Though I never felt smoking pot was a problem, I do remember a car full of other teenagers so high that we went through a railroad crossing and we were nearly hit by an oncoming train. Drinking alcohol had its problems. I was pulled over by a State Trooper while I was drunk but luckily, he did not arrest me. I became addicted to chewing tobacco and chewed for nearly a decade. I did graduate from high school, junior college, and a university. I had commitment issues with my fiancée’s. I was engaged to three different women. I did have two different careers that I retired from and receive a pension for. But as I reflect upon my past, I had issues with authority and commitment that probably limited any promotions.

In the past two years I have had three heart procedures, diagnosed with prostate cancer, and general anxiety that led to my retirement. I have been married to my wife that I adore and love for nearly four decades. We have two wonderful children and six SUPER grandchildren. In the past two years, my wife’s love and example led me to be a practicing Christian and I re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Last year I was baptized in the Church with my entire family in attendance. I have repented of my many sins, and I am genuinely not happy with the things I did in my past. I am actively trying to re-wire my brain and re-set my attitudes and thoughts with the help of the Holy Spirit that dwells within me. I am praying to God to reveal his purpose for me. As Rick Warren often says, “Never let a hurt go to waste”. I have a lot of hurts.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Seek support through the Church’s Pastor or Youth Pastor, school counselor, trusted teacher, or trusted coach. Stay away from harmful things like drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. In the end, they do much more harm than they do good. Choose your friends wisely. Stay away from children who advocate violence, stealing, skipping school, and pre-marital sex. Date and marry girls and women that practice their faith. Take your academics seriously. Always give your best in your classes. Be respectful to everyone even if they don’t respect you back. Love and support your parents and other siblings. Be honest and have self-control. Find a wholesome activity you enjoy and use it to help with any anxiety. When you get older research the impact divorces have on children and young adults. Always know that God loves you. He created you so how could he not love you? Forgive. I visited my father’s grave years after his death and began the process of forgiving him. I have contacted two of my aunts (my father’s sisters) and started a relationship with them.

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I Knew It Was Over

1 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 51 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 10. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

It started with a lot of fighting and then my mom sleeping in my room instead of her own. One day she sat me down on my bed to tell me they were separating. I knew it was over. We moved out of the house and never went back. I switched schools 3 times in the next 2 years. It destroyed me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Scared. Alone. Angry. Ashamed. Unsafe. For a long time every night, I would go to bed and wish I would wake up and it was all a dream. My sense of self and safety was destroyed.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I was left alone a lot after school and at night. My parents never seemed to be concerned about how any of this made me feel. Looking back I had social anxiety prior to this so this increased my anxiety and I started self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity. I developed depression and started having panic attacks as an adult. To this day I still battle anxiety, depression, and a distorted view of myself.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Talk to someone you trust about how you feel about it. Know that it is not your fault and you didn’t deserve this.

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I Had to Learn to Protect My Peace and My Sanity

4 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 22 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents got divorced after many close calls and after years of an unstable and unhealthy marriage. My dad has a side of him that can be mean, controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive. He had controlling ways that he viewed as showing love. He has a side of him that can be just beyond nice and kind and selfless, but on the other hand, he has a side of him that can be ruthlessly mean to the point of abuse. I have had to distance myself from him and my relationship with him is strained and complicated, but he still reaches out to me as if nothing has ever happened. A therapist described it as that he has two mirrors in which he sees himself as a good dad and the other where he sees himself as the victim of the woman he has been married to. Previously, he and I had been close up until shortly before my nineteenth birthday when I had to leave from living with him. Things have been complicated since then and still are to this day. I have had to learn to set limits and boundaries in my interactions with him, as painful as it is- to protect my peace and my sanity. This is where things currently are as he has now moved away to Mexico, his home country, since the beginning of this year.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

It left a bad taste in my mouth about marriage, especially after I ended up learning the details behind their unhealthy marriage, close calls to divorce, and how both of them vented their feelings towards each other to me. Soon after the official separation, my mom got together with another man when I was about twelve, and they got married when I was thirteen. My relationship with her changed a lot around these times, too. She and I had many emotional arguments and fights around her new relationship. This too made me tell myself that I would never get married. Marriage has been a sore matter for me for so long due to my parent's unhealthy marriage and divorce and due to my mother's remarriage. My stepdad and I ended up not getting along. Many yelling episodes over the years, misunderstandings, us triggering each other, and it continued until we finally had to set boundaries. He and I don't see each other much anymore. My mom made that call. Now, I am trying to work on my healing from the soreness and resentment of the matter that marriage was for me for years.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

As a teenager, there were many conflicts between them about me. At sixteen and seventeen, I fell into a depression. Mom wanted me on antidepressants, Dad was against it. Mom wanted us to move, Dad did not. My mom vented her anger towards him to me, my dad did the same with his anger towards my mom. Mom wanted me to live with her. Dad wanted me with him. Both gave me reasons opposing the other. This made my adolescent years a living hell. I experienced strong emotions of mere anger and mere sorrow that resulted in many nights of loud and intense crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. My parents didn't know what to do. I was never actually suicidal, but there were times when I was seventeen where I said I wanted to kill myself. I never truly did and I never attempted, but my mom took me to behavioral health on a few occasions. It hurts so much to relive this, but I am sharing my story to heal for myself and my prayer is that it makes someone feel less alone.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

- It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.

- You are not responsible for your parents getting along.

- You are not doomed to repeat this cycle of unhealthy marriage and divorce.

- To a child, one day, you will grow up. You will realize that this is behind you and you will be able to gain perspective. You will be able to find healing so that you can feel whole and happy and hopeful again. Your parent’s divorce does not have to define your life, your future or how successful you can be. You will be able to choose for yourself.

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I Am Worthy of No Longer Being Abused

3 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 24 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 3 or 4. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents met in college, got married, built a house together, worked ambitiously at their careers, and had me. By the time I was 3 years old, my mom was unfaithful to my dad, who was already involved with my would-be step-mom to some extent.

Throughout my childhood, I repressed my emotions and was hyper-vigilant around my stepmom in fear of her verbal and psychological abuse. Even before my dad married my step-mom, she began a denigration campaign toward me about my mom which caused me to doubt my perception of my mom’s goodness and trustworthiness. This lasted for over a decade and I eventually caved into an ultimatum that my step-mom gave me which caused me to stop living with my mom altogether — an unexpected, traumatic, and confusing chapter in my life story. My stepmom’s many tactics of erasing my mom from my life while simultaneously claiming that she supported my relationship with my mom was mentally damaging and effective. Years later, I have a healed relationship with my mom.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

When I was 3 or 4 years old, my dad sat me down to tell me that he and my mom were no longer going to live together. I simply responded, “Forever?” Being so young when they divorced, I do not remember how I coped with suddenly having to split my time — and my affections — between my parents.

The immense stress of witnessing conflict between my parents, as well as my step-mom’s abusive and incredibly controlling behavior, caused me to feel anxiety much more deeply than the divorce itself.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

The chronic anxiety that I experienced as the only child from my parents’ divorce led me to experience irregular menstrual cycles, an eating disorder, muscle tension, chronic stomachaches, and perpetual feelings of despair and unworthiness. I coped through staying busy and being high-achieving in academics, ministry, and sports, internalizing others’ emotions and having a strong sense of false guilt. I wanted to prove that I was not as burdensome as court dates, hostile emails, and confusing narratives made me feel.

In college, I hit a breaking point and shared with my dad and step-mom the deep pain that I had been carrying for most of my life. They reacted very defensively, and this led to another unexpected chapter of my life story: my estrangement from my dad, step-mom, and half-siblings, which continues to this day. It has been very difficult for me to trust that my identity lies outside of my dad and step-mom’s love and acceptance; that I am worthy of no longer being abused; and that God loves me even after having set boundaries that have allowed me to heal. I am a wife and mom today, and I believe that I owe my healing not only to myself but also my husband and sons — even if my dad cannot recognize, will not validate, and would not stop the abuse, himself. It is heartbreaking that my dad cannot healthily be a part of my adult life and see my family grow, but I cannot imagine who I would be today if the abuse that he enabled was still a part of my everyday life.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Pray for God to bring a godly couple into your life who can be a helpful example to you in how to live out the vocations of spouse and (biological and/or spiritual) parent well. Breaking bread with a couple and their children in the warmth of their loving home has been profoundly healing for me — their laughter, hospitality, ways of handling conflict, etc. have left imprints on my heart and mind forever. It’s one thing to read or hear about imperfectly healthy families, and it’s another thing to live shoulder-to-shoulder with them. Do not just pray for this, but seek it out.

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Divorce Made Me Feel Forgotten and Alone

1 minute read.

This story was written by Christina Larsen at 28 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My mom pulled me out of class when I was 14 to tell me she and my father were getting divorced because he had an affair.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Forgotten, alone, terrified, sad, lonely, depressed, angry, rageful, confused, desperate

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I started self-harming, had a string of abusive relationships, unsafe sex with random people, drug addiction, suicidal thoughts and attempts, mental illness, stints in rehabs and psych units, failed friendships, constant relocation, never feeling home/wanted/loved, always seeking parental support in other older people, inconsistent work life, zero family support, parentification, parental alienation, horrible at setting boundaries, codependency, time/money/energy in my own therapy.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It’s not your fault

Your parents may not be the best people to go to for help anymore

Seek support elsewhere

Get help

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I Felt Afraid of Not Being Able to Control My Emotions

5-minute read.

This story was written by Danielle Beatty at 31 years old. Her parents divorced when he was 6 months old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

her STORY

I was six months old when my mom and dad separated and a year old when they divorced. I don't remember what happened, but through family members and asking questions, I've learned their marriage had problems long before I came into their lives. I went back and forth between the two of them until I was three years old and have a few memories from that time. It came to light that my dad had an affair during the time he and my mom were married. From that affair, he fathered my half-brother who is a couple of months younger than me. Shortly after that, my dad decided to stop visitation and remained out of my life until I was seventeen.

HOW THE brokeness MADE hER FEEL

I felt out of control and scared. I don't think I could've told you that when I was younger let alone while it was happening. Yet, I knew something was wrong. My dad stopping visitation really hurt me. I wondered why he left and if it had been my fault. I remember crying a lot and feeling very sensitive to things around me growing up. As a preschooler, I drew pictures of my family that included my dad, stepmom, half-brother, and stepsister. I thought of them as family. They were until my dad stopped seeing me. My mom remarried when I was five and I remember her telling me that my stepdad was now my dad. I felt confused. Is this how families are made? Can you just decide you don’t like one, leave and start another? I didn’t ask questions because I felt scared. I just thought I guess that's how these things work. People can get new families. I stopped asking questions about my dad, half-brother, stepmom, and stepsister, despite continuing to regularly see my grandparents from my dad’s side. Even though I was part of a new family, I felt confused, separated, and disconnected from my family. As a kid, I remember not acting out because I didn't want to do anything that would make my mom leave too, so I followed the rules but felt very afraid most of my childhood.

HOW THE brokenness IMPACTED her

I wrestled with a deep sense of rejection. I lived with the lie that I was the one to blame. That it was my fault my parents divorced. Consequently, I internalized my pain from my parent's divorce, keeping it all inside and trying to figure it out on my own thinking more information would make it all better. When my mom and stepdad separated and later divorced my senior year of high school, I didn't tell any of my friends that they were separated. I should know how to handle this, I thought. Not sharing what I was going through with anyone left me isolated, lonely, and suffocated by shame. My mom set me up with counseling, but despite going weekly for about a year, I chose not to talk about what was happening at home. Rather, I said what I thought I needed to say just to get out of there. I gave myself no freedom to process it because I felt so scared of being rejected, scared that what I said would get back to my mom and she would leave or not love me and I felt afraid of not being able to control my emotions if I started expressing them. I didn’t want someone else I loved to leave too. If I misbehaved, maybe they would. I thought I had to act a certain way and told myself it was safer to keep everyone at a distance because, in some way shape, or form, this was my fault. I caused this destruction. What a lie! I threw myself into school studies and extracurricular activities. Any kind of stress I could get a hold of to help drown out the chaos inside I took.
When I was in college, I got connected with a church. Through that church, I joined a bible study, where one of the women spoke into my life. She let me know that the things I was believing about being destructive, at fault, and rejected didn't sound like how Jesus sees me and were lies from the enemy. Through a faith community, counseling, and inner healing prayer, I am relearning how to live in my own skin, embracing my identity as a child of Christ, feeling the Father’s love for me, and learning how to accept my story. It is not my fault what happened between my parents. It hurt me and mattered, yes. Yet, it is not the end of my story. There is hope. There is freedom. There is life after this death.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Breathe and feel. Just like waves in the ocean, your feelings will rise and fall. Ride them but don't let them take you under. They are taking you to a new place and if you are a Christian, invite Jesus into that place. He will clarify what He is doing in that space with you, all you have to do is ask.
While not everyone needs to know what's going on in your inner world (like your social media followers), you do need to let a few trusted people into that part of your world. I have two friends who walked with me through that season who are still in my life to this day. They gave me permission to let it all out, which sometimes looked like sitting in a room in silence with me because I felt frozen by not knowing how to start unraveling the chaos I felt inside. Give yourself space to be free to speak about it. For me when I didn't have that outlet, the words, thoughts, and feelings crept out of me into other relationships and those relationships left me feeling vulnerable (not in a good way), awkward, and more lonely. I don't wish that on anyone. So, I recommend giving yourself space to feel and letting a few trusted people outside of your family into that place too.

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It Didn’t Have to Be Like This

3 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 31 years old. Her parents were never married and broke up before she was born. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

I grew up going back and forth between homes. My dad would always bad-talk my mom any chance he could get. My mom struggled financially for a long time (until she married my stepdad when I was in elementary school), while my dad was decently wealthy and made minimal payments reluctantly. When I was 1, he married my stepmom. It was an abusive household. I can remember begging my mom to not make me go - but of course, she had to take me. I never opened up with her about the abuse. I didn’t know it was. It wasn’t until we took a vacation with my dad’s family (middle school) that I came back with an enormous bruise that my mom contacted her lawyer, and I never had to go again. Years later he got a divorce from my stepmom, and my relationship with her and my half-siblings began again. Unfortunately, this didn’t last, while I was seeking help for the trauma I had endured, they were not. As the years went by, their unhealthy behaviors became more and more difficult to ignore and deal with, and eventually, I chose to step away to protect myself, my husband, and children.

HOW THE brokeness MADE her FEEL

I never knew what it meant to have a family. People would always act like it was such a blessing to have 2 of this, 2 of that. I felt like an outsider. I was also lonely among my peers, there weren’t many kids who related to me. Now I don’t have any relationship with my dad, which is a double-edged sword. While I’m not interested in being in contact with him, it didn’t have to be like this. It was his own actions that led us here.

HOW THE brokenness IMPACTED her

I spent many years as a people pleaser, and very co-dependent. I saw it as a strength that I was always willing to do what other people wanted me to. Who was I? Because of this, I made a lot of really unhealthy friendships, many of which ended really painfully. I always saw myself as the problem, and really, I was. I didn’t know how to say no, how to decline hanging out with someone who wasn’t healthy. I clung to people who wanted to cling to me. Now I am probably over the top hyper-aware of friendships and relationships, but I’m slower to speak and react when things feel unsure.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It’s not your fault. What I’ve found in my own situation is that the adults in my life who treated me poorly never dealt with their own trauma. Their behavior toward you and toward each other has nothing to do with you. It’s not your responsibility to help them. You deal with your trauma, if they consistently push back on your growth, you have to set boundaries, and if necessary, close the door. Figure out your own hurt so that you can give your kids a better life and put an end to the chaos, destruction, and heartbreak.

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I Lost My Sense of Home

4 minute read.

This story was written by Shannon Combs at 24 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 20. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

I was a junior in college. I got a call one night from my mother. Her voice seemed hesitant and I knew something was wrong. She told me that she and my dad were getting divorced because he had been having an affair. My parents were married for 29.5 years. This came out of nowhere for me and my siblings. I had just visited them a month prior during my Christmas break. The affair and divorce led to one disaster after another. My father, who was a sober alcoholic, began drinking again out of shame and guilt over what the affair did to his family. This was the first time I had truly dealt with his alcoholism. At that time of my life, I lived in horrible anxiety and depression, trying to grapple with the divorce of my parents, the affair, and my father's drinking. Unfortunately, my father found himself in jail for a year due to behaviors while under the influence because he could not stop drinking his pain away. This was the breaking point for me. I felt like my life was falling apart. I was hurt, betrayed, angry, and embarrassed. March of 2020 and the onset of COVID sent me back home from college. I felt like I didn't have a home to return to though after everything happening with my family. 2020 was hard for everyone, but for me, it had nothing to do with COVID. It had to do with the consequences of my parent's divorce.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

I was hurt, betrayed, angry, and embarrassed. It was as if I was living in a nightmare. For 20 years of my life, we were a relatively normal, suburban, Christian family. The divorce divided my family unit into two. I lost my sense of home, literally and figurately. The only thing I had trust in was Christ. He was and is my Rock, but it was still a season of immense struggle.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

My parents got divorced when I was in college. So I was semi-independent, but it still left me feeling like a homeless child. It also made me resort to certain tendencies in my own relationship, particularly my marriage. It left me with a lot of trust issues and an unhealthy and outright wrong understanding of marriage. Thank God for the Church, and a priest who counseled my husband and me with gentleness and love so that we could be equipped going into our marriage at a time when I had just been impacted by my own parents' divorce.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Don't confuse your grief with guilt. A divorce is the death of a family, something you will grieve. I felt a lot of guilt over my parents' divorce - sad for both of my parents and felt a sense of responsibility to save their marriage or to be their primary caretaker. While my father chose to have an affair, I couldn't play the role of my mom's therapist or best friend, or pastor. Nor could I be my father's confessor or AA sponsor. I was their daughter and I was a victim as well. I couldn't be a neutral party for my mom and my father, but I could still love and forgive them.

As a child of divorce, whether you are a kid or an adult, you have to create boundaries to protect yourself and your loved ones. You have to be willing to stand up for your own healing—which you can do without trampling on someone else or making the person who started it all feel even worse.

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You Are Not to Blame

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 26 years old. Her parents separated when she was 7. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My father may or may not have had an affair with his secretary (cliche I know, but it was never confirmed). He and my mother separated and he immediately moved in with the other woman. My brothers and I had 7 days on, and 7 days off with each parent. My eldest brother was traumatized the most, I suppose since he was 10 when it happened. His rage turned into violence and sexual abuse against me, which went on for a couple of years until I told my father about it. He didn't believe it happened but it freaked out my brother and so the sexual abuse stopped and was replaced with only violence. The most terrifying memory I have was waking up to my brother straddling me with his hands around my throat, screaming that he would kill me. I was 15 at that time.

Going back to the divorce — my mother eventually found a condo. She was extremely manipulative, violent, and verbally abusive. Most of this was a result of her fury that she could never get pregnant (my 2 brothers and I were adopted) but only 3 years after adopting me, she was left without a husband but with 3 kids. She often used her status as an "adoption mom" as a way to "prove her love and kindness and empathy". It drove me mad.

My eldest brother chose to be with our father full-time when he was 14. I ended up doing the same at 15 because her manipulation became too much for me to handle. As an example of her manipulation -- she encouraged me to get a job at a bakery in the mall where she worked (I really didn't want one yet, I had enough going on at that time, but she said I needed one) because she was friends with the owner. I had just turned 15 but the legal working age was 16. He agreed to hire me anyway because she was his friend. She took me to the bank to open a joint account but — here's the kicker — I was not permitted to have access to it. Only she would have the card, and she would use it as she pleased.

Anyways I left shortly after that and opened a new bank account.

Moving on to my father — his new girlfriend moved in with us quite early on. I think it was a year or two after the divorce. In the beginning, I quite liked her but soon it became clear that she did not like children. She had a daughter of her own but she was approaching 30 years old. I constantly overheard her at night telling my father about what bad people my brothers and I were (mind you, my second brother who is 6 weeks older than me is autistic) and that she would be happier if we were gone. This was a nearly daily occurrence.

At her request, I was given all the housework as chores. My brothers and I would do the dishes together but all the other cleaning — bathroom, vacuuming, washing the table and counters, windows, washing the floor, etc. — was my responsibility twice a week. This doesn't sound like much but I also had high school from 8 AM to 3 PM every weekday, worked Thursday and Friday from 4 PM to 9 PM, and weekends from 9 AM to 6 PM, plus I had homework. Somehow I came out of all of this with good grades. But when my stepmother would come home (she came home an hour before my dad), she'd inspect my cleaning and relay all the mistakes back to my father, which infuriated him and ultimately fed her lies about what a horrible person I was.

Meanwhile, I was allowed no social time, I was not allowed to go see friends during the week, nor could I go see them on the weekend since I was working. When I finished school, I had to walk home and immediately call my father. (These were the days when many people still didn't have cellphones, only landlines.) I had to call immediately and he would see which number was calling him so he'd know that I had come straight home and not gone to see anyone else.

My "fondest" memory of his control (perpetuated by his lovely girlfriend) was when he locked the pantry doors and didn't allow us to access the food without permission because I had once come home from school during lunch and cooked myself ramen in the microwave. He was furious because he planned on taking it to work the next day (which I did not know). We could afford to buy another ramen from the grocery store that was one block down the street. But I digress. That lock remained on the door for years.

Another very fond memory of mine was when I wrote a letter to my father about all the verbal abuse and control at the hands of my stepmother. I folded the note and wrote "dad — this is for you and no one else. please don't show anyone." I left it on my desk and went to my mother's for the week (this was when I was 14). He read it, showed it to her, then sat my brothers and me down at the kitchen table to discuss it. They had written the letter with me but of course, the confrontation scared them so they threw me under the bus. I was subsequently locked in my room for 2 days. I didn’t eat or drink anything. I ended up getting so sick I vomited. When that happened my stepmother permitted me to leave my room to eat supper on day three. I was still sick but she accused me of intentionally vomiting the food she had prepared.

That last story reminds me of the time my father found my diary and read it out loud to my brothers and stepmother while I sat idly by at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, humiliated.
I can keep going with stories like this but let's just say they made it very clear for many years that at 18 my brothers and I were no longer welcome in the house. They went so far as to buy me pots and pans as a Christmas gift when I was 17 and stick a note on it that said "take the hint." And on my 18th birthday, I got a 2-pack of mugs that were given as a free gift with every purchase over $100 at our local grocery store. It was not wrapped and had a sticky note on it that said "happy b-day, dad".

Anyways. Needless to say, at 18 we all moved out. My eldest brother still has a tight relationship with him but my middle brother and I are completely out. It has now been 8.5 years since we moved out. Many times I attempted to make amends with both our mother and father but it didn't work out. They rejected me. "I don't have a daughter" are the words that struck me the hardest.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Extremely traumatized. Had my parents stayed together I would have never been abused by my brother. Probably not by my parents either. And definitely not by my stepmother. It was extremely traumatized. After I moved out at 18, I ended up with a severe cocaine addiction that led to me putting myself in a position to be raped. Two days after that I attempted to kill myself and spent a week in the hospital recovering.

But I have moved on.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I have made a promise to myself to NOT be my parents to my own kids. I have three of them now. Reliving the trauma of my childhood and adolescence helps to remind me of what kind of parent I will never, ever, EVER be to them

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It's not your job to comfort your parents. But if you see that they are hurting, it's okay to sit beside them and just hold their hand in silence. It can bring them comfort, but most of all it can make you feel closer to them.

If it's a very traumatic separation (separation, in general, is traumatic, so the level of trauma you will experience is relative to your life experience thus far), seek therapy. If you can speak to your school guidance counselor, a teacher your trust, or another family member, that's a good place to start. I found a lot of comfort in sharing my life stories with my most trusted educators at school.

And most of all, remember this — you are not to blame. You are an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire, and nothing else.

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I Became a Recluse

2 minute read.

This story was written by Ken at 58 years old. His parents separated when he was 11. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

His STORY

I do not know specifically, my parents sat my sister (younger than myself) and I down and stated they were getting a divorce. I remember 3 very specific details 1) my sister said to me "I bet you're happy Mom and Dad are getting a divorce" and 2) both my Mom and Dad are standing on opposite sides of me in my Dad's garage of his rental house and both asked me which parent do I want to live with? 3) I believe after years of realizing some memories from my past that my Dad's adultery with another woman he worked with was part of the reason, which he ended up marrying, but the marriage lasted less than 1 year.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE him FEEL

I think I processed by being a reclusive person when I would be at my dad's house on the weekend visits or being a poor student, I would ride my bike and work my paper route after school. I also did not maintain a healthy weight from an early age and was made fun of it as the "fat" kid because of that.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED him

When I visit my Dad's home on weekend visits I also turned to pornography as an escape, also food/eating/junk food binging and being a loner and later a rescuer to help others more than I knew I needed help as a deflection outlet.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I would say that after talking with a mentor I worked with and reading the book earlier this year, "The Power Of The Other" by Dr. Henry Cloud, and reading about the 4 corners. I decided I needed to tell someone about how Pornography was consuming me and I needed help, I had tried therapy, but I did not pursue it, I also read the book provided through SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous and reading the real-life stories is very powerful. I also did not know this podcast was a thing (suffering in silence for many, many years) but found it by shear accident one day and started listening to your episodes and found there are others out there, and this podcast is a HUGE help in understanding what I have gone through and that I am enough and I can get help and can make a difference to somebody else.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Was Walking On Eggshells

2 minute read.

This story was written by Alana at 22 years old. Her parents separated when she was 5. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents divorced when I was 5 and I honestly remember very little about my life from then until about 4th grade. I think I suppressed all those memories because it was filled with so much arguing and my younger brother always got much more attention than I did simply because he needed it more than me. Our dad always did the best he could to be active in my life, and he did an excellent job of that, but my mom's alcoholism and other personal problems got worse as I got older.

My dad remarried my abusive stepmom when I was 14, and she constantly tried to isolate me and my brother from our dad and from the rest of my dad's family as well. They're currently getting a divorce since my dad finally recognizes this abuse. My mom also remarried when I was 19 to a guy who is generally nice, but he enables my mom's excessive drinking behaviors.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

It made me feel like I had no one to share my emotions with, and I never grew super close to either of my parents. My mom was much more invested in work or my brother, so I was just kinda on autopilot. My dad tried to make a connection with me, but since we didn't see him that much, it was hard. As a result, I would feel extremely uncomfortable sharing my own thoughts and emotions with others. I didn't even really know what anger felt like until I was 21 because I had repressed anger my whole life as a form of self-preservation.

It's taken 4 years of unpacking my childhood in order to start to get comfortable sharing my emotions, but I still feel like I can't talk to my mom about anything really. I was also extremely confused because I thought the abusive things my stepmom did were "normal." Deep down I knew something about her actions was wrong, but I convinced myself it was okay as a method of self-preservation. Interacting with her made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells, and I was always worried I would "do the wrong thing" around her and as a result, she'd do more to keep me away from my dad.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

As a teen it made me cling to unhealthy relationships with guys just to get the affection and attention that I didn't get from my parents. When I would think about my future in a potential marriage, I was terrified that I wouldn't know how to function because I had never seen how a marriage is supposed to work. I was also scared I wouldn't know how to be a good mother. I trusted that God would somehow use my parent's divorce to still teach me something, though, and looking back now I see all the ways that it prepared me for my current marriage.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

God doesn't give us crosses for no reason. No matter how bad the situation is, He uses it for something good. You might not find out what that reason is until years later, but your experiences will not go to waste. For me, it's helped me identify unhealthy practices in relationships, and has therefore helped me develop good practices in my marriage. It has also let me help a number of my friends and kids I work with as their own parents go through separation or divorce. As painful as my parent's divorce and other relationships have been, I am thankful that I experienced it so I can help others.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.