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#097: 3 Tips to Help Someone from a Divorced or Broken Family
Are you worried about someone you love or lead from a divorced or broken family? Do you want to help them, but feel unequipped and somewhat helpless? In this episode, you’ll learn 3 tips to help them.
Are you worried about someone you love or lead from a divorced or broken family? Do you want to help them, but feel unequipped and somewhat helpless?
In this episode, you’ll learn 3 tips to help them and a NEW resource on how to help someone from a divorced or broken family, so you can do and say the right things, avoid the wrong ones, and offer real help.
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Listen to stories of young people from divorced and broken families:
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
I Felt Afraid of Not Being Able to Control My Emotions
It is not my fault what happened between my parents. It hurt me and mattered, yes. Yet, it is not the end of my story. There is hope. There is freedom. There is life after this death.
5-minute read.
This story was written by Danielle Beatty at 31 years old. Her parents divorced when he was 6 months old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
her STORY
I was six months old when my mom and dad separated and a year old when they divorced. I don't remember what happened, but through family members and asking questions, I've learned their marriage had problems long before I came into their lives. I went back and forth between the two of them until I was three years old and have a few memories from that time. It came to light that my dad had an affair during the time he and my mom were married. From that affair, he fathered my half-brother who is a couple of months younger than me. Shortly after that, my dad decided to stop visitation and remained out of my life until I was seventeen.
HOW THE brokeness MADE hER FEEL
I felt out of control and scared. I don't think I could've told you that when I was younger let alone while it was happening. Yet, I knew something was wrong. My dad stopping visitation really hurt me. I wondered why he left and if it had been my fault. I remember crying a lot and feeling very sensitive to things around me growing up. As a preschooler, I drew pictures of my family that included my dad, stepmom, half-brother, and stepsister. I thought of them as family. They were until my dad stopped seeing me. My mom remarried when I was five and I remember her telling me that my stepdad was now my dad. I felt confused. Is this how families are made? Can you just decide you don’t like one, leave and start another? I didn’t ask questions because I felt scared. I just thought I guess that's how these things work. People can get new families. I stopped asking questions about my dad, half-brother, stepmom, and stepsister, despite continuing to regularly see my grandparents from my dad’s side. Even though I was part of a new family, I felt confused, separated, and disconnected from my family. As a kid, I remember not acting out because I didn't want to do anything that would make my mom leave too, so I followed the rules but felt very afraid most of my childhood.
HOW THE brokenness IMPACTED her
I wrestled with a deep sense of rejection. I lived with the lie that I was the one to blame. That it was my fault my parents divorced. Consequently, I internalized my pain from my parent's divorce, keeping it all inside and trying to figure it out on my own thinking more information would make it all better. When my mom and stepdad separated and later divorced my senior year of high school, I didn't tell any of my friends that they were separated. I should know how to handle this, I thought. Not sharing what I was going through with anyone left me isolated, lonely, and suffocated by shame. My mom set me up with counseling, but despite going weekly for about a year, I chose not to talk about what was happening at home. Rather, I said what I thought I needed to say just to get out of there. I gave myself no freedom to process it because I felt so scared of being rejected, scared that what I said would get back to my mom and she would leave or not love me and I felt afraid of not being able to control my emotions if I started expressing them. I didn’t want someone else I loved to leave too. If I misbehaved, maybe they would. I thought I had to act a certain way and told myself it was safer to keep everyone at a distance because, in some way shape, or form, this was my fault. I caused this destruction. What a lie! I threw myself into school studies and extracurricular activities. Any kind of stress I could get a hold of to help drown out the chaos inside I took.
When I was in college, I got connected with a church. Through that church, I joined a bible study, where one of the women spoke into my life. She let me know that the things I was believing about being destructive, at fault, and rejected didn't sound like how Jesus sees me and were lies from the enemy. Through a faith community, counseling, and inner healing prayer, I am relearning how to live in my own skin, embracing my identity as a child of Christ, feeling the Father’s love for me, and learning how to accept my story. It is not my fault what happened between my parents. It hurt me and mattered, yes. Yet, it is not the end of my story. There is hope. There is freedom. There is life after this death.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Breathe and feel. Just like waves in the ocean, your feelings will rise and fall. Ride them but don't let them take you under. They are taking you to a new place and if you are a Christian, invite Jesus into that place. He will clarify what He is doing in that space with you, all you have to do is ask.
While not everyone needs to know what's going on in your inner world (like your social media followers), you do need to let a few trusted people into that part of your world. I have two friends who walked with me through that season who are still in my life to this day. They gave me permission to let it all out, which sometimes looked like sitting in a room in silence with me because I felt frozen by not knowing how to start unraveling the chaos I felt inside. Give yourself space to be free to speak about it. For me when I didn't have that outlet, the words, thoughts, and feelings crept out of me into other relationships and those relationships left me feeling vulnerable (not in a good way), awkward, and more lonely. I don't wish that on anyone. So, I recommend giving yourself space to feel and letting a few trusted people outside of your family into that place too.
Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored? If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing.
Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.
#096: How to Heal from the Trauma of Your Parents’ Divorce or Broken Family | Margaret Vasquez
If you come from a broken family, did your parents’ divorce or family dysfunction bring emotional problems, bad habits, and relationship struggles into your life?
If you come from a broken family, did your parents’ divorce or family dysfunction bring emotional problems, bad habits, and relationship struggles into your life? As a result, do you feel unsure how to heal and afraid that you’ll repeat the cycle?
In this episode, we unveil a NEW and FREE resource to help you heal from the trauma of your parents’ divorce or broken family, so you can break the cycle and build a better life. In doing so, we discuss:
What is trauma and how does it affect you?
Why is your parents’ divorce or family dysfunction the most impactful type of trauma?
How do you heal from it?
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Margaret Vasquez
Restored Podcast Episodes with Margaret Vasquez
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
It Didn’t Have to Be Like This
I never knew what it meant to have a family. People would always act like it was such a blessing to have 2 of this, 2 of that. I felt like an outsider.
3 minute read.
This story was written by an anonymous woman at 31 years old. Her parents were never married and broke up before she was born. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
I grew up going back and forth between homes. My dad would always bad-talk my mom any chance he could get. My mom struggled financially for a long time (until she married my stepdad when I was in elementary school), while my dad was decently wealthy and made minimal payments reluctantly. When I was 1, he married my stepmom. It was an abusive household. I can remember begging my mom to not make me go - but of course, she had to take me. I never opened up with her about the abuse. I didn’t know it was. It wasn’t until we took a vacation with my dad’s family (middle school) that I came back with an enormous bruise that my mom contacted her lawyer, and I never had to go again. Years later he got a divorce from my stepmom, and my relationship with her and my half-siblings began again. Unfortunately, this didn’t last, while I was seeking help for the trauma I had endured, they were not. As the years went by, their unhealthy behaviors became more and more difficult to ignore and deal with, and eventually, I chose to step away to protect myself, my husband, and children.
HOW THE brokeness MADE her FEEL
I never knew what it meant to have a family. People would always act like it was such a blessing to have 2 of this, 2 of that. I felt like an outsider. I was also lonely among my peers, there weren’t many kids who related to me. Now I don’t have any relationship with my dad, which is a double-edged sword. While I’m not interested in being in contact with him, it didn’t have to be like this. It was his own actions that led us here.
HOW THE brokenness IMPACTED her
I spent many years as a people pleaser, and very co-dependent. I saw it as a strength that I was always willing to do what other people wanted me to. Who was I? Because of this, I made a lot of really unhealthy friendships, many of which ended really painfully. I always saw myself as the problem, and really, I was. I didn’t know how to say no, how to decline hanging out with someone who wasn’t healthy. I clung to people who wanted to cling to me. Now I am probably over the top hyper-aware of friendships and relationships, but I’m slower to speak and react when things feel unsure.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
It’s not your fault. What I’ve found in my own situation is that the adults in my life who treated me poorly never dealt with their own trauma. Their behavior toward you and toward each other has nothing to do with you. It’s not your responsibility to help them. You deal with your trauma, if they consistently push back on your growth, you have to set boundaries, and if necessary, close the door. Figure out your own hurt so that you can give your kids a better life and put an end to the chaos, destruction, and heartbreak.
Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored? If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing.
Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.
I Lost My Sense of Home
A divorce is the death of a family, something you will grieve. I felt a lot of guilt over my parents' divorce - sad for both of my parents and felt a sense of responsibility to save their marriage or to be their primary caretaker.
4 minute read.
This story was written by Shannon Combs at 24 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 20. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
I was a junior in college. I got a call one night from my mother. Her voice seemed hesitant and I knew something was wrong. She told me that she and my dad were getting divorced because he had been having an affair. My parents were married for 29.5 years. This came out of nowhere for me and my siblings. I had just visited them a month prior during my Christmas break. The affair and divorce led to one disaster after another. My father, who was a sober alcoholic, began drinking again out of shame and guilt over what the affair did to his family. This was the first time I had truly dealt with his alcoholism. At that time of my life, I lived in horrible anxiety and depression, trying to grapple with the divorce of my parents, the affair, and my father's drinking. Unfortunately, my father found himself in jail for a year due to behaviors while under the influence because he could not stop drinking his pain away. This was the breaking point for me. I felt like my life was falling apart. I was hurt, betrayed, angry, and embarrassed. March of 2020 and the onset of COVID sent me back home from college. I felt like I didn't have a home to return to though after everything happening with my family. 2020 was hard for everyone, but for me, it had nothing to do with COVID. It had to do with the consequences of my parent's divorce.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL
I was hurt, betrayed, angry, and embarrassed. It was as if I was living in a nightmare. For 20 years of my life, we were a relatively normal, suburban, Christian family. The divorce divided my family unit into two. I lost my sense of home, literally and figurately. The only thing I had trust in was Christ. He was and is my Rock, but it was still a season of immense struggle.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her
My parents got divorced when I was in college. So I was semi-independent, but it still left me feeling like a homeless child. It also made me resort to certain tendencies in my own relationship, particularly my marriage. It left me with a lot of trust issues and an unhealthy and outright wrong understanding of marriage. Thank God for the Church, and a priest who counseled my husband and me with gentleness and love so that we could be equipped going into our marriage at a time when I had just been impacted by my own parents' divorce.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Don't confuse your grief with guilt. A divorce is the death of a family, something you will grieve. I felt a lot of guilt over my parents' divorce - sad for both of my parents and felt a sense of responsibility to save their marriage or to be their primary caretaker. While my father chose to have an affair, I couldn't play the role of my mom's therapist or best friend, or pastor. Nor could I be my father's confessor or AA sponsor. I was their daughter and I was a victim as well. I couldn't be a neutral party for my mom and my father, but I could still love and forgive them.
As a child of divorce, whether you are a kid or an adult, you have to create boundaries to protect yourself and your loved ones. You have to be willing to stand up for your own healing—which you can do without trampling on someone else or making the person who started it all feel even worse.
Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored? If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing.
Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.
#095: Healing Happens When We Ask for Help | Tanya Lyons
You feel broken. You want to heal. But you’re unwilling to ask for help.
You feel broken. You want to heal. But you’re unwilling to ask for help.
If that describes you, your ability to heal will be stifled. Nobody ever healed their broken leg without the help, knowledge, or experience of others. Healing only happens with the love and help of other people.
In this episode, we discuss that and more as my guest shares :
How it took 20 years for her to pursue counseling, but how she found healing there
Why is it so difficult to talk about our parents’ divorce or broken family and what can we do about that?
Why taking risks feels extra scary for people like us and what to do if you feel that fear
Buy Tanya’s Book, Come Home Laughing
Take the My Broken Family Assessment
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Tanya Lyons
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As a bonus, you’ll receive our free guide, 7 Tips to Build a Thriving and Divorce-Proof Marriage!
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you feel broken and you want to heal, but you're unwilling to ask for help, your ability to heal will be greatly stifled. Imagine breaking your leg. Nobody ever healed their broken leg without the help, knowledge or experience of other people such as doctors, physical therapists, or even people who've broken their legs and learned how to heal and strengthen it. Healing only happens with the love and support of other people. And we discuss that and more in this episode as my guest shares how it took her 20 years to finally pursue counseling, but how she found healing there, we discuss why it's so difficult for people like us to talk about our parents, divorce or broken family. And what we can do about that. We also talk about how taking risks can feel extra scary for people like us and offer advice on what to do if you feel that fear and we hit on well, we want to rely on others and rely on God even in a healthy way to to heal us. But at the same time, we can expect them to do all the work for us. We have to put in the work ourselves. So, keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 95. If you found this podcast helpful in navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce and even finding healing. I'm thrilled to announce a new resource from restored. That'll help you even more. We'll be releasing two video courses. The first course is titled Broken to Whole Tactic to Heal From your parents', divorce or Broken Marriage. That course answers the questions. What is trauma, how does trauma in general but also the trauma of your parents', divorce or dysfunctional family affect? You begin to some of the signs of that even. It's really fascinating. What can you do to heal from it and even prevent yourself from being traumatized in the future and so much more. And that course is actually taught by a trauma therapist with over 15 years of experience healing people from their trauma. The second course is titled Real Help, a guide to Confidently help someone from a divorce or broken family. And that course answers the questions. What struggles do, Children of divorce or dysfunction typically face, what should you say, not say do and not do in order to help them. How do you start those difficult conversations? What should you do if they seem fine and some special tips for parents as well and so much more. And that course is actually taught by me. The content itself is actually based on a lot of research but also on a restored article that ranks top three on Google and receives over 3000 views a month. So stay tuned for the launch of each of those episodes that will be coming to you very soon. And if you'd like to join the waitlist to get notified first and be given special advanced access, just go to restored ministry dot com slash courses or just click on the link in the show notes. And when you do that, you'll get a bonus on building healthy relationships and a strong marriage. Again, go to restored ministry dot com slash courses or just click on the link in the show notes. My guest today is Tanya Lyons. Tanya grew up in a small town in western Canada. After high school, she joined an international organization, youth with a mission first as a volunteer and then as a staff member, her passion for a Christian discipleship and teaching has taken her to over 40 nations and given her the opportunity to live on three continents. In 2015, she graduated with a master's in Christian formation and discipleship as part of her degree, Tanya researched and wrote a book about the spiritual journey of adult Children of divorce called Come Home Laughing. Since then, she's written three other books and is working on her fifth, a book about getting married for the first time later in life, Tanya is a trained life coach. She enjoys drinking black coffee, geo cashing, swing dancing and discussing what she's reading. She lives in Glasgow Scotland with her husband Patrick and a quick disclaimer. Tanya is a Christian as you can tell. So we speak about God and about faith in the episode. But even if you don't believe in God, you're still going to get a lot out of this episode. And my challenge to you is this just listen with an open mind again. Even if you take the God parts out, you'll still benefit a lot. Here's my conversation with Tanya. Tanya. Welcome to the show. Hey, great to be here as we usually do. I'd like to just dive right in with the deep and heavy topics that we often talk about in the show. But I'm curious in your situation, how old were you when your parents separated and divorced? And what happened there? Yes. So I was 10 when my parents divorced. I really had no idea that they were having any difficulties in their marriage. I think I was just oblivious to it. And uh one day after school, my mom sat me and my brother down on the couch and just said your dad and I don't love each other anymore. And I'm gonna go stay with grandma. So she got her suitcase in the car and drove away and um we saw her later that weekend and found out there was actually more to the story than that. Ok, what led up to it like? So you said things at home were good or at least appeared to be fun from your perspective as a kid. Was there any insight into mom and dad are having problems or anything like that? You know, I don't remember as a kid at 10 years old knowing that there was anything. But later on they did refer that they had gone to counseling for a bit. But the, the part that was more to the story is that my mom was seeing somebody else found out later on that they had been having an affair and then maybe tried to stop and then continued on. So as I understand that was actually going on for a few years before the decision to for my mom to leave and the divorce to happen. Wow. Ok. I'm really sorry to hear that. That's devastating for everyone involved, especially the Children too. I think so often when there's an affair, we tend to think that, you know, obviously the spouse that was cheated on is very hurt and that makes sense. Um And they need, you know, the love and support and healing, of course too. But the Children in a very real way were cheated on too. And so, um so yeah, that's really rough to go through and I'm curious, um, you know, how did all of that, how did your parents divorce that affair even affect you? Especially in your future relationships? I mean, isn't that the greatest question to ask? And it's so hard to sort of finally make sense of it, you know. And, um, but I think the short answer is it just made me afraid to trust people and it made me question my own worth was I worthy of love? Would people stick around for me? I think I really adopted the, the view that all relationships were temporary friendships, romantic. It didn't matter what it was, but that it was more of a when they're gonna leave me not, are they gonna leave me? I ended up very, is isolating myself basically as self protection trying to keep from getting hurt potentially. And even though of course, I really wanted love and connection, but I did not know how, how to build those healthy relationships. So it really kind of got me stuck in a really a painful cycle of wanting something but not being able to, to build those friendships or relationships. I totally follow you there. And I think those of us who come from broken families who are listening right now can totally relate. I know for me, I have the desire to build, you know, healthy relationships, good friendships even and especially a good future marriage. And, uh, like you said, I just felt totally lost. I had no idea how to do that. And I was just filled with a ton of anxiety like you said, a lot of fear that gosh, am I going to repeat my parents' mistakes? Am I going to just end up going through a divorce one day like they did? And I knew with everything inside of me that I didn't want that because I saw how painful it was for them. But I also experienced that pain myself, you know, going through their parents divorce as, you know, an 11 year old boy. And so, um, so I totally can relate with you on that. And I think for many years and the idea of marriage was just so unappealing to me because it just had such a negative connotation. I was quite bitter about marriage and thought it's just a, a bad idea and I couldn't really see any beauty in it or any, you know, way that it would possibly benefit me. So that was confusing too because I thought, well, then what is life about if it's not about family and if it's not about connection, if it's not about belonging? So I think it was quite painful and, and very disorienting as a kid at that age. Yeah, I remember thinking to, like you said, I, you know, if this is where marriage leads, I want nothing to do with it. And I even, you know, silently swore to myself that I will never get married after that whole experience. And thankfully found a lot of healing and overcame that, that lie that, you know, you're kind of doomed to repeat the cycle. But certainly it's, it's scary. And my opinion, you know, there's obviously decreasing marriage rates today in our world, people are getting married less and less and some people point to different factors. But I, I think that broken families and going through your parents' divorce at the core of it. I, I think obviously there is that fear of commitment that everyone always talks about and, you know, younger generations. But what I've seen is that they're not so much afraid of commitment, they're afraid of, like we're talking about repeating that cycle of dysfunction, repeating what they saw in their parents' marriage or perhaps the marriages around them. And so it makes so much sense that they would then, you know, try other things like, you know, having some sort of committed relationship as opposed to a marriage. Um, it, it, but it's sad to see and I think that's, uh underneath this whole crisis that we have where we're just giving up on love and on marriage altogether. Yeah, I think there's two layers to it that I've seen in my life is one I don't think I'm capable or I wonder, am I capable of actually doing something that I've never seen? Like being committed, being faithful, truly having a love that lasts for my whole lifetime, decades and decades and then there's the fear of, or the question, would anybody want me, you know, am I too broken or too complicated or, or just not valuable enough that anyone would want to give that to me? So, it's both ways it's, can I give that to somebody and would somebody ever want to, or choose to give that to me? So, yeah, it's kind of two problems at the same time. It seems like. Yeah. No, I like the way you said that I remember, I think it was in college. I was able to put words to this feeling I had that you just mentioned the second part. At least that I felt like a gift that wasn't worth giving. And I felt like if I were to, you know, give myself to someone that eventually they would just give up on me and leave because they would realize like, oh you're really broken or oh, you, you know, you're not worth loving. And so I totally feel that felt that fear and I think so many people who've been through what we've been through, experience that as well. Yeah. And I think for me, there was definitely the sense of like a disillusionment about the word love as well. You know, hearing my parents say, oh, we love you, Tanya and we want what's best for you. But then feeling like this doesn't feel like love, this feels terrible. What, what's happened to me what's happened to our family feels the exact opposite of love. And so I remember in different relationships that I had that didn't go anywhere if the guy would ever start talking about love. I'd be like, don't even say love. I don't even want to hear that. That is not even in my vocabulary. It was just such a, just a reflection of, of how I felt and what I'd experienced. And yeah, it's quite, it's quite sad when I look back at the younger me who, but understandably who really felt like love is such a, a terrible thing and a fickle thing. Yeah. I couldn't agree more with you and I totally get where you're coming from, shifting to healing and growth. I'm curious, what were a few things that really helped you to, to heal and to cope with the pain that you have endured? I mean, the first one that comes to mind is counseling, but I was probably 30 before. I was really, really willing to talk about my experience and the painful parts of it. Um, before that I was just so nonchalant about. Yeah. Yeah. My parents divorced. Yeah. Yeah. This is the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Really kind of just trying to build those walls and keep, keep it distant from myself. So, yeah, when I think I was around 30 31 when I started to go to counseling and it was such a healthy, wonderful gift to finally have a place where I could tell somebody how I really felt without trying to downplay it or protect my parents or kind of feel ashamed of, of my story, but I could just lay it all out. It was incredibly healing. And so that was a huge, a huge step for me. And another thing that I found really helpful even before that, but looking back, I see how helpful it was, was being able to spend some time with healthy families. So I had one work colleague in particular who him and his wife, sort of just they weren't that much older than me, but they had a bunch of kids and kind of an open door policy in their home and they just let me be part of their life, whether it was grocery shopping, cooking, um hanging out on a Saturday. And so just, and if I was soaking it up watching how they dealt with their kids, how they treated each other. And that was a super healing uh restorative experience for me. So I still love hanging out with, with families and kids and kind of, I still am learning about what does it look like to really love your spouse and love your kids and love your parents from them. Beautiful. I love both those things and I found them helpful as well. And it's so interesting in the 90 plus interviews that we've done in this show at this point. Uh That's such a clear trend that spending time with healthy marriages and families is incredibly healing. Mhm. Yeah. And to me it just thinks what a gift it is if you have healthy marriage and family to, to open your home to people, um who you might think we don't have anything to show them. We're not the experts but man, what a gift it is to have that healthy, healthy family and marriage is not perfect but one that, that really is built on love and caring for one another. Yeah, I totally agree. It's a good challenge to everyone listening right now. Who has, you know, a good marriage, a healthy marriage, not a perfect one. Uh You can be such an inspiration, such a help to those of us who, you know, find that whole idea and that whole experience so foreign to us, it can truly be a training in how to love. It can be a school of love which which we greatly need if we want to go on and break that cycle and build those healthy relationships and hopefully a strong marriage in the future. Uh One thing that you've mentioned as well is that you found your relationship with God, incredibly healing. So I wanted to talk a little bit about that. How has that been healing for you? And what in particular have you done to find healing through that relationship? Yeah. Thanks for that. For sure. I didn't come to any faith. Until I was a late teenager. So for, you know, almost eight years, Paul following my parents um divorce, I didn't have any kind of faith connection or any relationship with God. And uh looking back, I can see how my coming to faith really brought this whole sense of connection and belonging that I'm not alone anymore that even though my parents don't understand or my friends might not understand, my sibling doesn't understand. At least God understands me. And that I think it was incredibly healing for me, just this awareness that I'm not alone. And then over the years, I think, you know, learning how to connect with God through prayer, through meditation and just the sense that I don't have to pretend with God. God's the one person that I can truly be open and honest with about every area of my life, whatever I'm struggling with, whatever I'm proud of or what I'm ashamed of that I don't have to hide myself from God. And that a sense of unconditional love and acceptance has been uh such a healing thing though. It didn't just happen overnight and it is still a process for me to really remind myself that I am loved by God. I am seen by him. So I think that was kind of maybe the slow burn of of healing has come through that being able to look to, to God for the love that I really need and long for beautiful And no, I could totally see how that is so healing and I love the word you use pretending. It's so interesting. I think so often that really describes the experience of a lot of young people who come from divorce or broken families is that we do feel the need to pretend in one way or another. Like we all often have these like almost multiple identities where we're one way with mom and one way with dad and maybe one way with relatives and one way with friends and it can be a lot to carry. And so uh talk about that a little bit more. What have you seen in your own life and the lives of people, you know, who've, you know, gone through this experience when it comes to pretending and then, you know, on the opposite end of that is like you said, being that like genuine, authentic self. Yeah, I mean, I think it is such an interesting dynamic that has I can see in my life and others is that you learn from a young age, I learned from a young age that rules were different at mom's house and dad's house expectations were different. I think many Children of divorced and separated parents would kind of become the caretaker for our parents or our siblings were kind of trying to think for me, it came from a fear of like if I don't keep them happy, they will leave me as well, I wouldn't have said it that way. But really, that's what my motivation was as a young girl. And so always trying to, to think ahead, what do they need? What do they want? How do I keep them happy? Never being able to relax into a situation. Never being able to be honest about what I was happy about or angry about or sad about what I needed. Always putting other people first. So that habits and that patterns, you know, it makes you a good friend. It makes you a good child because you're always easy to please. And you're always working really hard to keep other people happy. But it, it meant that I, nobody ever knew all of me. That's how I felt that I was, there was parts of me that were just unknown and un valued or un cared for. So mom saw certain things, dad saw certain things, grandma saw certain things, my teacher saw certain things my friend. But I guess I was afraid that if I revealed too much that I would be rejected. So I think that the kids from divorced families, we can be the chameleon. And the again, which maybe at the time, you just think this is what everybody does. But then later on, at least for me, I realized this is incredibly lonely and it's hard work. It's very stressful to always be trying to figure out what people want and be that person instead of simply being totally, it's exhausting like he said and, and that's what I experienced 100%. And yeah, needing to play all those different roles is so real. I um I've seen two trends in people like us who uh we, we've kind of become rescuers in a lot of senses, maybe not always, but I've seen it to be more likely in people like us. And underneath that I think is almost like a cry for help, like we want someone to rescue us. And so in a way, we're like trying to rescue everyone else. And uh and so I think it is really beautiful and helpful when you can make that switch to realize like it's not a bad thing to help other people. We're obviously not their savior. We can't like, you know, solve all their problems, take away all their pain, but it's not a bad thing to love and help people with healthy boundaries. Um But at the same time, if we continually ignore our own need for, for healing, for, you know, someone to, to help us to in a way rescue us without doing everything for us, which we'll touch on a little bit later. There, there can be so much growth, there can be so much healing when we just, you know, acknowledge that and seek out the right resources to, to heal. Yeah. And I think um for me, if the faith thing has been so helpful because it was finally one place where I could actually come as I am. I don't have to pretend because God knows it all like he knows everything about me every part of my life. So I didn't have to though there were many times I think where I did approach faith the same way I approached my other relationships, trying to imagine what God wanted me to do what the right answer was, what the acceptable thing was. But over the years, I have become more comfortable with letting him rescue me, you know, whatever that means, whether that's just giving me the, the love and affection I need or the support I need the emotional encouragement I need and all kinds of other, other parts of daily life. Yeah. That makes so much sense. Are there any um maybe practical examples, especially for people listening right now who don't believe in God or don't have any sort of faith? I'm just curious, like, how have you experienced that? Maybe in the last few months or last year, whatever time frame where it's been maybe a little bit more like, you know, you, you, you see God's hand in it, but it's not like this big booming voice from our love. Um Because I think that's sometimes what people imagine when they think of like God expressing its love for us is that we think it's like, you know, again, this miraculous experience, but so often what I've learned is it can be in the really simple, ordinary, everyday things that you can see, you can see as end. Yeah, I think, oh, my husband and I bought a house recently and, um, that was really as a first time thing for me. I've moved 20 times in my adult life, a very transient life style. And so this was a whole new idea. Marriage is brand new. But then also thinking of buying a home and when we, we put on offers and houses, they weren't accepted, we looked at places um and continue to pray that God would help us find a home and take care of us. And uh one particular time we had to move out of one place and into a new place and we tried to find a place to move into. We just could not find a rental place or anything and then just got a, a text out of the blue one day from a a friend saying, hey, are you guys looking for a place to stay? Because our tenants just moved out and we need some money to move into our place. And anyways, we ended up moving in like two days after their tenants moved out, it worked out completely like we had planned it though. We had not planned it. And, and to me, that was an example of God being like a father to me or a parent to me and caring for me doing something that I just could not figure out on my own even though I'm a fully grown person and I'm competent in every, in so many areas of life. But just seem like, uh, I couldn't sort it out without God without help and God took care of me and took care of me and my husband. So I don't know if that's what you're looking for, but that, to me is such an encouragement. Um, that I'm not alone in life, even in really practical things that have nothing to do with divorce just day to day living. No, no, I think that's beautiful. I love when like, faith has been more practical and I think it's a great example of it. And um, you know, there's, I think there's so many examples, but one of the ways that I've kind of seen God in my own life, at least the way he communicates to me is often through my desires. Like, like I have a desire to like, help someone to reach out to someone or, or do something like this whole nonprofit is an example of it. Like I took, you know, time to discern and think through like, is this actually what I'm supposed to do what God wants me to do? And it got, you know, the green light. And so, um but he really placed a heart desire in my heart to, to help people who come from towards and broken families. Um so he speaks to me through my desires, speaks to me through other people. Probably the most often, like someone will say something, especially if I'm struggling in some area, you know, a friend or one of my mentors will say something. It's like, dang, like that's exactly what I need to hear. And I don't even think you realized that's exactly what I need to hear. Um And then finally realizations, I don't know if that's the best word to use, but things will just kind of click or, you know, I thought will come to mind from like nowhere. And I'll be like, wow, OK, that's like kind of a key to whatever problem I'm facing or shuffle or whatever. And so um to people, I think um who yeah, maybe are foreign to this idea of like prayer, talking to God and things like that. Um A lot of these things can seem like coincidences and that's fair to think that. But I think when you see so many of these things happening again and again throughout your life, you start to realize like, really like, is this, is this really a coincidence? So, um so a lot of beauty there and kind of going back to this whole faith aspect of healing. So, you know, like you said that um desire to belong so often we feel that we don't belong because our family fell apart and we don't belong in our own families, like where in the world are we going to belong if we don't belong there? And so, um, so I want to go deeper on that topic. But before I do any final thoughts, well, when you're talking about the way that you, you know, coincidences or things that just become clear to you, I find God often or I, I find a lot of what would you say, Victor watching TV, where I'm seeing characters interact and I'm thinking, oh, that's like I see a parent being kind to a child or I see a friend showing compassion to someone and it really becomes sort of like a spiritual experience for me where I think that is what love looks like. That is how I can be loving to people in my life or, or while that person actually was loving to me, it helps me reinterpret my life sometimes through giving me some more examples of, of what healthy relationships look like or, or just sometimes, you know, you're like, I can relate to that character and they've taken a risk. So I'm gonna take a risk. So somehow. Um yeah, just I think there are lots of connections in daily life if you have the eyes to see them um where it might be some type of faith and a spiritual connection. So, yeah, I'm not sure that's really coming through the way, but nevertheless, there you have it. Yeah. Yeah. No, that makes sense. And I appreciate you sharing that. Um aside from your own story, what have you seen that helps people like us who come from doors or broken families to heal from the trauma we've endured in our personal lives and in our relationships, I think for sure, the relational connection with people where it's not like when people are open and honest with me about whatever area they do not have to be from a divorced or separated family. But when they're honest about their struggles, whether it's with finances or their relationships or their kids or their work or their studies or something, when people are open about what they're going through, then I feel such a sense of relief like, oh, they don't have everything together. So that gives me permission to then be open and honest about my struggles. And so so when friends or groups of people can be honest about their struggles, I just think it, it opens the door for deeper connection, which is what, what everybody longs for. So I think that that's kind of a very general but very helpful um, thing that I've seen is it gives people courage to then go, ok. I could talk about my stuff if they can talk about their stuff as well. Yeah, it's so refreshing when people just speak in like a real way. You know, this whole idea of real talk. It's like so so popular now, especially with these different podcasts like Joe Rogan, whether you love him or hate him. Uh, it's so, it's so interesting to listen because, you know, we're talking about, like, real topics and real issues and real problems that people face in a way that's like unfiltered, which is like you said, it's very refreshing. Yeah. You had mentioned before to how, you know, faith had played such a big role in your own healing. I'm curious, you know, how have you seen that happened in the lives of the people that you've led or walked with, who come from divorce or broken families? Yeah, I mean, what I love about faith and people's faith journey is no, no, too identical. And so what might really have been really healing to me does nothing for somebody else but vice versa. And so I love seeing other people, the things that stand out to them or not. But I think to summarize, I think the community aspect of faith uh is huge for many people. Um The sense of belonging so often the kids of divorce or separated parents, we don't have anywhere to go for the holidays. We don't have anybody who celebrates our life accomplishments with us. We don't have anywhere to go on summer holidays or we don't. Yeah, we kind of feel like we might be missing out on a lot of things that other people just take for granted. And so I've seen faith communities be a real place of, of input and service for, for Children from divorced separated families because it's a sense of you're one of us. You belong here, you have something to offer as well as something to receive. And I think I've seen a lot of people really flourish as they find a place of giving. So maybe a guy or gal gets to work with the kids club and all of a sudden the little kids are just mobbing them and loving on them and all of a sudden they're like, people wanna be around me and there's so much energy that comes from that or somebody goes, wow, I can fix the computers for the, the seniors in my, my community or my church. And all of a sudden they have something to offer and they have these sort of grandparent figures. And so this idea of like as we give to others, we receive so much, I think it can be so healing and, and a big part of what family can offer us, but that we might have missed out on if we, if we didn't have that beautiful. And I, I think there's a great lesson in that, that I'm learning from you. And that is um if you want those healthy, beautiful relationships, if you wanna find great friends, you have to be that for other people, you have to be that great friend. And it's something I think that we're always working on, we can improve upon always. But um but I think, yeah, like you said it almost begins to attract people to you. When you start to be that great friend, start to give, start to love, start to, you know, be selfless, like put other people's needs above your own. Of course, assuming in a healthy way with healthy boundaries. But um but I think there's a powerful lesson in that. Mhm And it is so affirming to realize that that you or that I have something to offer. And um I think for many years, I was so insecure and so afraid to take any risks of offering something because if I offer a bit of myself, even, it's just a pie that I baked or an idea for a conversation that I would get rejected. And I was so afraid of that, that I just, I never offered anything. So it took me a long time. Um And a lot of people inviting me in and asking me and saying, hey, Tanya, do you want to cook a pie for this? Do you wanna uh help do this project? Do you want to come to our party? Do you want to? So that invitation has been such a helpful thing for me in my healing journey. Just this idea that other people think I have something to offer. That was a foreign idea to me for so long. So I think I've, I've learned from that and it's benefited me so much and I try to operate that way as well. To really have an open, I don't know, an open mindset where there's always room for more people and it can be challenging at time because it's fun to hang out with people that I know and love. It's fun to, you know, have these tight friendships. But, but I think my experience of rejection and abandonment and isolation and stuff from my family has given me eyes to see people who might be on the fringes or on the outside or, or not like the coolest or most popular and to go, they're just as worthy of being included as anybody. And I wanna actually find ways to, to include them. Yeah, that makes so much sense. And I, I think it's a good place to start if you know, people are especially struggling socially and, and that's a common struggle as you know, for people like us who come from doors or broken families. And, um, and I've seen people make incredible ways and like grow a ton in that area, but a good place to start if you're kind of at the beginning of that journey is, um with those people, like you said, who may be a little bit more on the fringes or rejected or not as popular or cool or good looking or whatever, that can be a great place to start to build those friendships and of course, love them throughout. But I think that may feel a little bit safer as well. And I like what you touched on too. How there is this risk factor when we love, when we put ourselves out there, when we give that we might be misunderstood, or people might reject us in a sense. And I think it's important to acknowledge that. I know I've mentored young people who, you know, have experienced that sort of rejection where it's like, you know, they're trying to love, they're trying to be a great friend in a relationship and then they're misunderstood by a friend, they're rejected by someone they wanted to, you know, date or be with. And so it can be really challenging. But I think there's something so powerful and just that action of taking the risk. I think that makes you a better, stronger, more virtuous person. Um And in the end, in the moment, it's really painful and can feel debilitating. But in the end, I think you're going to become this again, better, stronger person. So, yeah, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on that risk factor and kind of putting your neck out there and opening yourself up to potentially being rejected in, in smaller, perhaps pick ways. Well, as we're talking, one thing that stood out to me was just, I, I think it's pretty common for those of us who are divorced, separated families to kind of try to make things like black and white all or nothing. So this person is good, this person is bad this relationship is gonna be the one that I'm looking for or this one is gonna be terrible and sort of the idea of extreme thinking, like, and I, I can relate to that. I, I think it comes from sort of self protection, definitely from a self protection. So I wanna see if there's a problem before it ever becomes a problem so I can reject it and run away and stay safe. But what that means is that I become so afraid of anything that might be a danger that I never even let myself take a tiny risk, whether that's a job interview or someone that I wanna date back when I was single or, or just a friendship that I wanted to pursue or I mean, it's so many different categories. So it's been helpful for me to, to try to think, ok, can I instead of seeing everything is all good or all bad to try to see more nuance in that and to go? Ok, what's a, what's an appropriate risk to take in this situation instead of seeing risk is bad and dangerous and comfort as like the final goal or, you know, certainty as the final goal to go. What's a small step that I could take? What's a small risk that might help me to build that, that strength and that courage that you mentioned. And um and what's an appropriate amount of vulnerability to share? Because I think uh once I started trying to, once I started becoming more aware of my emotions and, and understanding that like, healthy relationships do involve emotional vulnerability. I was just so inexperienced that I just shared everything I would just like lay it all out there and overwhelm people with either my, my hopes and my expectations or my fears and it kind of freaked people out because I was really trying to give them all of me. Like I want to show you everything about me so that if you're gonna reject me, you'll do it now. And like it was just out of step with what a healthy relationship is or how relationships develop a little bit at a time. So, so I think I see a connection there. I don't know. What do you think? Yeah. No. Excellent points. And I totally agree with you that just touching on the last point, there is a temptation, right? When we're learning to kind of go from this place of just like sharing nothing to then share everything. And like you said, it can be overwhelming for the people in our lives who are, who do generally want to love us. But like you said, when something you know, is healthy, it grows gradually, like if you think of plants and trees and grass, like whatever, they usually don't just sprout up overnight. There's some exceptions to this. But um, it usually takes time, like, you know, hours, weeks, months, years, even for something to grow to blossom into its full potential. And so in the same way, like you're saying, relationships are like that. And so it's important that we kind of go at that slow rate. And I've seen this especially in romantic relationships for people like us is that we, you know, I tend to kind of jump in like head first where it's like, well, you know, I wanna, I really am attracted to you. I want to be with you. And so I'm just gonna give you everything and tell you everything and um it creates this really, it can create a really unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. Whereas if you kind of graduate the girl, like you said, there can be so much more peace, so much more joy and such a healthier dynamic in their relationship. And so such a great point there. I wanted to touch on one other thing you said too that we can become so obsessed with building this safe world where the small safe world where we control everything, where we mitigate all risk, where we're in no danger of hurt or harm that it just like destroys us. Like, like it makes our hearts hard like CS Lewis, you know, in that famous quote, um He, you know, he says to love it all is to be vulnerable. Like we cannot protect ourselves from being hurt from being harmed. The only place we can is really heaven or hell you know, and so in this, in this world, we're going to be hurt, we're going to be harmed and it's actually more dangerous to kind of put ourselves out of that possibility than it is to allow that to happen potentially. And so I've seen that too in my own life, like thinking back how, you know, I keep maybe my group of friends really small or keep the interactions I had like with different people really, really small. So again, I had, I built this like small world that I controlled, that was felt at least, um and going beyond that felt really overwhelming and scary. But once I pushed through that, and I've seen this in a lot of the people that we mentor through this ministry. Once you push through that, it's scary and overwhelming at first. But, but you learn how to navigate it, you then feel so much more free that you then realize like it's so much better to, you know, maybe learn how to, like you said, in a healthy way, mitigate some horrible risk, but allow for those appropriate risks in relationships. And that will lead you to this place where again, you feel free, you're able to not try to control everything but let things happen and adapt as they do. And um it, it's, yeah, there's so much we can say here but that freedom uh that you experience when you push through that fear, through that overwhelm. Um is, is incredible. Mhm. I have a fantastic example about that in my own life where uh I was at a, a seminar for a month and uh one of my mentors pulled me aside one day and said, Tanya, I just want to ask you something that I've been noticing. I noticed that you're one of the very first people to leave at the end of the evening activities. And I'm just curious about that because I had to walk about 20 minutes back to the dormitory where I was staying. And at first I thought it was just no big deal. Like why does it matter who leaves when or whatever? But as I chewed on it a bit, I realized, and I said to her, I said, well, if I am in control of when I leave, then I'm also in control of who I walk with. And I don't have to fear being left behind. And so she encouraged me or she challenged me. OK, for the rest of their time here, would you be willing to try an experiment to not be the first person to leave to actually wait and see if you will be left behind or not. And it was a small risk because if I got left behind, it was fine. I just walk home 20 minutes by myself. This, I was already doing that anyway. So I was just doing it a little bit earlier in the evening. And so I thought, OK, I can do that. I will see if this fear of, of being left behind is an actual fear or if it's just a perceived fear, is it based in reality or is it just my own thinking? And that I'm convinced that nobody will look out for me or invite me or whatever. And so I took her challenge up and sure enough as she predicted, I never got left behind. I always had someone noticing. I was still there. Hey ta you're welcome back. Let's go together. And it, it, it brought freedom just like you were saying that that actually some of the things that I'm afraid are gonna happen to me are not actually reality. They probably won't happen to me. But even if they did, they're not that big of a deal. And I just, yeah, something really changed for me. Um As a result of that observation from my friend and her challenge and then my experiment with whether or not I'd be left behind. Love that and maybe that's a challenge we can issue to everyone listening right now is, you know, if there's a small risks that you can take that the consequence, if things do go wrong isn't huge, like take those risks. Um I love the, the word experiment that you use. I think that's so helpful because it's not permanent. It's not a life sentence. It's something that you can just try out and, and if it doesn't go well, go a different route. So great advice there elsewhere you said that there's, it's important that we don't look to God kind of going back to the faith question. It's important that we don't look to God to kind of do all the work for us that we need to, we need to be putting in the work ourselves. Talk about that a little bit. I mean, there, it would be a really, it could be a really great conversation. You know, what's God's responsibility? What's my responsibility? Is it all God's fault? Is it all my fault? But I think one thing that I realized growing up with divorced parents, I often felt powerless as a child. I had to go to moms when she wanted, go to dad's. I had to do this. I had to do that. I didn't have a voice. I felt like nobody really, my opinion didn't matter to anybody. Uh, my choices could be, you know, negated just, you know, very easily and, and I realized that for much of my faith life, I, I thought God had that same view that he was just gonna do things so do things for me. He was gonna heal me or he was gonna give me a job or he was gonna give me a spouse or he was gonna, and as a result, I just always, I felt like I had no say in my life, I was just being pulled around by God and his whims, you know, often they were good but sometimes they didn't feel good. And I didn't know that I actually had this idea of agency. Like I can make choices. I have strength and power within me that my voice matters. So I think, yeah, for me, at least as a child of divorce, it was a real important thing for me to learn that, that my ideas, even if they're wrong, like are worth being heard by God and other people that I don't always just have to have the right answer. But that, that I have choices and that my choices will be respected. So I think that's what I'm coming to with like the faith thing and the God thing is that, of course, God wants a beautiful life for every person, but he's not just gonna shazam, it's not just gonna appear without me participating with him because that would make me again, just sort of a pawn being moved around by him. And I think that God wants more than that, you know, he wants people who actually can make choices and who can learn and grow and that have, have responsibility for their life, you know, not on their own and not God saying ha ha you made a bad choice. Look at you suffer now, which also I think sometimes God gets that, that put on him, but that's not the way that I've experienced. God. It's a collaboration. It's something that, you know, I think any healthy relationship is that way, like whether it's a friendship or whether it's, um you know, a marriage, it truly is a collaboration. It's not one person doing it. It's not, it's both of you together. And I remember growing up, I would see relationships like that where one person was way more interested in the other person than, like a guy was more interested in a girl than the other way around. And it was like everything was on the guy to build a relationship and the girl was like almost doing nothing because she didn't really want to be with him. And so um so I think in this and yeah, the relationships can turn unhealthy in that sense. But you're saying that yeah, it's, it's a collaboration. It's both ways. It's two ways. It's both people contributing, collaborating and that applies to a relationship with God to I heard this awesome quote from uh the financial guru Dave Ramsey. He uh he said that God feeds the birds, but he doesn't throw the worms in the nest. I think that's so true and helpful. It's like, yeah, God will provide for you. But like you're saying, we need to collaborate with him. We need to work alongside of him. We can't just wait for him to, you know, snap his fingers and fix everything and miracles do happen. Like I don't, I want to acknowledge that but uh that's not the norm, that's not what I think most of us can expect. And so we do need to again do it alongside of him. And uh and I think there's a lot of beauty in that because like you said that, that uh agency, that sense of healthy control that we have and that is uh makes us better, makes us stronger. Definitely, so good shifting gears a little bit. Um It's often difficult for people like us to talk about our experiences with our parents, divorce or separation or just, you know, really broken dysfunctional marriage. Why is that? And what's the solution to that problem? That's a great question. But I think it is so true. I remember when I started really thinking about my parents' divorce, I was really eager to hear from other people about their experience. And I would, as soon as I kind of feel like the divorced and separated parents, kids were kind of like living incognito, we're kind of hiding it. We're kind of like trying to be below the radar. And I remember having realizing I had a roommate for a year whose parents were divorced, but we never once talked about our parents or our family. And it so yeah, I guess just to say, I think we the I I don't always know why. I mean, I think there's the shame of what's wrong with me. There's the what if people reject me or think I have a bad family or look down on my parents because why couldn't they keep their marriage together? I think there's a, the fears of, um, if I start talking about it, it's gonna be really painful and I'm gonna have to acknowledge some of that or people are gonna think I'm damaged somehow. So then nobody will want to date me or be my friend or, yeah, I mean, those are some of the things that come to mind and in terms of how do we fix it. I don't know. I just think those of us who feel the, the courage and the strength or maybe are further down the road of kind of processing our experience. I think we just got to be courageous and talk about it. That's why I'm so thrilled for this invitation to be on this podcast to just say I'm, I want to talk about my story if it can help other people. But also because it helps me every time I can talk about what happened, I'm gaining some new insight into what I've been through, how it shaped me uh for good and for bad. And I think it's taking me further out of this place of, of shame or fear and isolation into more connection, which is really what I long for. So, yeah, those are a few thoughts. Yeah, I, I've seen all of those play out in my own life and the lives of the people that we serve and I think a few other things too that we've seen is it's you touch on this, like how it can be painful to talk about this topic. And, uh, I think there is kind of related to that, this comfort in the sense that we're just so used to the pain and the problems in our lives that we don't really think anything of them. And so, you know, we tend to just think, well, this is the way it's always been. Why would I give it any special attention? Why I don't that this is kind of my normal. And so it, you know, it might never even hit us that, oh, maybe we should get some help here, maybe we should talk about this. And I think as a culture especially, I know you talk about this, we've, you know, normalized divorce to such an extent that we tend, we don't think of it as a trauma for the Children. We think of it as like, oh, well, it's just kind of the shift. It's like your family just changes. That's it. Um, even though the research is very clear and if you listen to people who come from divorce, separated families, it's like, no, this is a very traumatic thing to go through for the far majority of them. But, but again, there's just a sense of like, well, this is how my life has always been. Why would I give this any special attention. That's one point. The other one I think too is that we love and care about our parents. We don't want to hurt them or harm them. Um, especially if things are really dramatic going through the divorce. Um, things are really dramatic. Maybe in the aftermath of it, there's been maybe just a lot of pain. We don't want to rock the boat, we don't want to hurt them and we might even be led to believe by well intentioned people often well intentioned people that, um, we should be happy that this is for the best, like that sort of gas lighting where it's like, you know, oh, you feel hurt? Well, you shouldn't be hurt. Your parents are happy, aren't you happy for your parents sort of thing? It's like, no, I can, I can feel hurt by this and still, you know, want the best for my parents. And so, so, yeah, I think those are a few other factors as well that make us just kind of like, not talk about it. Not want to rock the boat. Mhm. Yeah. I definitely, I mean, I resonate with both of those, with the one about it's so normal for us. I can definitely see that in my life and see how I kind of just become calloused to, like I had to become callous or I felt I had to become callous to the pain and just be like, yeah. Yeah, it's just that it's not how it is because nothing was going to change. I had no power to change that part of my life. So it was either accepted or suffer. So I just, yeah, and I couldn't acknowledge that how painful it was. So I just was like, yeah, it's not a big deal but you know what's helped me part of my healing. And I think it was a counselor who suggested this to me is I was 10 when my parents split up and I, I stayed with my dad, but my counselor suggested I, I take note of 10 year olds in my life. Like, did I know any 10 year olds? What were 10 year olds actually? Like, what, what, what was their capacity emotionally, you know, with doing their homework or, or caring for themselves? They, you know, could they take a bath or do their laundry or like, what was a 10 year old actually capable of and to try to look at them through the eyes of, wow, what if your parents just split up and you had to now take care of yourself and you had to have this emotional, you know, this really difficult emotional struggle. And so I, I did, I started looking at little 10 year olds and thinking, oh, they're, they're so small and they're so cute and they're so incapable, you know, there's, they need so much help and they, for them to lose one parent or to have their, you know, their parents' marriage break up and to be alone or rejected, abandoned in the way that, that they would be, that I was, that would be so hard. And through that I found the ability to have compassion on myself actually. And to go what, what I've experienced, Tanya, what you experienced was really terrible. It was really worthy of grief and sadness and not just something to be brushed aside. And so, yeah, so that was a, that was a real turning point for me and, and my ability to have compassion on myself and to kind of like let myself feel some of those feelings and have some of that process, some of that experience. Yeah. And so you can move on. I think that's an important part too. It's like, especially for people listening who just maybe they want to like throw up when they hear all this like self help stuff of like self love and grief and all that stuff which I get. I I'm kind of like that in some ways. But, but I think that the point is that so we don't stay where we are, we don't stay stuck that we can move on through life that we're not, you know, constantly dealing with these things. I know divorce is such an interesting trauma though because there are usually continual effects and continual difficulties and challenges that come from it. For example, you know, maybe you know, the divorce itself and everything that led up to, it was painful. But then in the aftermath, like we talked about, you have to deal with, you know, mom and dad being at your graduation, different life events, holidays, like you mentioned, uh things like that or, you know, maybe a situation where further down the line, your parents get sick and then it's like instead of their spouse taking care of them, you're the one who needs to take care of them in, in, in exaggerated role, right? So, so there's all these sorts of additional challenges that do come through. But the point of healing is not to stay stuck forever. It's to move beyond those things. And these tools that we're mentioning, of course, are some of them can continue to help us grow and become better, stronger people. But um but I think it's important for people, especially who kind of like are repulsed by this idea of like healing and working through trauma. Um to know that there is an end game, there is something that we're working towards. And uh and I love that you mentioned that tactic about, you know, kind of looking at the 10 year old that, that makes so much sense and it is, is really helpful because I think when we can have compassion, it might be easier for us to have compassion on other people than it is to have compassion on ourselves. And um I think, yeah, to move forward. I think it is that healthy. Wow. I've been through, you've been through some hard stuff and you, you're doing really well to be able to also look at it that way and to really take stock of how much we have grown or, you know, and how far we have come and, um, that we can do this. So I think it's both a pep talk and like a little cry session sometimes and they go hand in hand because, you know, we've been damaged or hurt by our parents um marriage, but that's not the only thing about us. Um But to deny, that is also not helpful because then you're back to the hiding parts of yourself, denying who you really are just trying to show the good stuff so that people will love you and, and that ends up being quite lonely. It's been lonely for me. Yeah, me too. No, I, I couldn't agree more with that and, and I love that mindset of uh, we're just, we're in training, we're continually developing, we're kind of becoming people. We're becoming the people that we hopefully want to be, that we're made to be um through all these experiences in life, through the pain, through the traumas, through the, the incredible growth through the, you know, like you said, the trajectory that we can see ourselves on that, that is like really, really helpful and we're not the good, just the good. We're not just the bad. We're both. And, um, and I think if you can, you know, kind of see that and accept that in yourself, um, you're going to be a lot more at peace when things go really well or things go really poorly and so, so much good stuff there. I just, towards the end of our conversation, I'm just curious, you touched on this already actually a bit. But do you have anything else to add? You know, what are some ways that, that you've seen divorce affects the way that people like us view um, marriage, family, life, home, belonging in, in general anything dad. Oh, I mean so much. But I think, I think the first thing to acknowledge is that divorce has impacted all of those things. And for me, at least every one of those things you mentioned marriage, home, family, they are all I'm looking at all of them through the lens of what I experienced. And so for me, it's kind of looking back into the past trying to understand my story is so that I can clean those glasses off and I can see not just what the terrible things are but what the beauty could be. You know, like people, most people from intact families find most of them find family a very positive term. But for me, family is kind of, I cringe even though I know I'm not supposed to, I know family is supposed to be amazing. And everyone's supposed to want to love to get together. I, I still have so much like inner turmoil when I think about family because it just reminds me of what I don't have, what I've lost, who's not there, who doesn't get along and um but having recently gotten married, I, I am trying to, to, to reframe how I see family that it's not only negative. Same with marriage, same with belongings, same with all of those things. So yeah, I think for me it's been just to acknowledge my experience has shaped all of those things. And if I'm not thinking about them, then they're just, I'm carrying what's I'm carrying my old way of thinking with me and it might be damaging or getting in the way of me having the things that I want, the connection, the family, the belonging. So yeah, I think it's all interconnected, right? And those expectations are key like researchers show uh talk about how if you want a great marriage, for example, um healthy expectations uh for your marriage are really, really important. That's one of the ingredients and one of the keys to having a great marriage. And so like you're saying, if we expect our spouse to cheat on us, if we expect our marriage to be full of conflict and drama, if we expect um eventually to be abandoned, then we'll certainly act in a way that anticipates that happening, which in a sort of backwards way then plays a role in bringing that about. And so this is serious, like this is not some neat little thought experience like, no, this if, if you expect that if you ignore the patterns in your own life, if you act out of those, it can maybe even unconscious expectations that can then lead you down a path that you don't want to go down and even consciously don't want to go out and you say, I never want to repeat what I saw, you know, in my parents' marriage, I never want to get divorced. Um So we really do need to adjust those things and that's why this is so serious. It's not just some cute little self help thing. It's like, no, if we want to live the lives that we long for, if we want to have the relationships that we long for, um we, we really need to dig in here and at least be aware so that we can develop the virtues and, you know, kind of work against those maybe tendencies that we've had in the past to the point where we can overcome them and again, build those virtues that then make it possible to have that beautiful relationship to learn to truly trust and be vulnerable to, yeah, just live life fully alive, not always being terrified and afraid of what might happen next. And this is why I think friendships community are so vital to growth in the story. That I told you about my mentor, challenging me and my kind of wrong thinking about my fear of abandonment. I never would have figured that out on my own or I don't, I don't think I would have figured that out. And if I had just had these walls around myself, I don't need anybody. I'm totally fine. Everything's good. She would never have had the chance to speak that into me and to encourage me. And so I think, um, what I find hopeful but also quite sobering is that those of us who need the support and connection of others like I do as a child of divorce often have things that get in the way, you know, the fears that get in the way. And so sometimes it feels like we're trapped by our own fear, you know. And so I really appreciate what you're saying about like there are ways forward but it's gonna take some courage and it's gonna take some vulnerability. Um, and some self honesty to go. How can I change the things that are no longer helping me? The self protection, the isolation, the jumping to conclusions, the assuming that I'm gonna be abandoned. Those might have helped me when I was 12 or 14. But at my age they're not actually helping me anymore. They're actually keeping me from what I want. So, yeah, it's important stuff. It's good stuff. It's hard but it's, it's so valuable, so worthwhile. Yeah. And we could say that maybe, maybe this is a little bit of an exaggeration, but growth only happens in relationship or in community. Perhaps another way to say it would be the biggest growth. The most substantial growth will only happen in community in relationship with other people, whether that's a mentor or a friend or you know, someone else in your life because that's what I've seen too, like on my own, I've been able to grow in some ways. But when I add in like my relationship with God, when I add in my friendships, when I add in my mentorships, and I add in my own marriage, it's like, yeah, that is where the biggest growth in my life. That's where the most healing has happened. Mhm Yeah. And that's where we can also give gifts to our friends and the people that we love by encouraging them, by asking them some of the hard questions and really listening to their answers by will being willing to sit with them in those places of pain or sadness or disappointment and like let them also chew on it so that they can move forward. So it's, it's not just about me, it's also about what do I have to offer, which, you know, it's really, it's a gift to be part of a community of friends and to so hopefully be part of the healing uh that we want in our own lives. Tanya, I've really appreciated the conversation. And before we close out, please tell us a little bit about your book and how people can get that and find you online. Yeah. So in 2017, I wrote a book called Come Home Laughing. Uh a novel for Adult Children of Divorce. And it's available on Amazon to search Tael lions or Come home Laughing. I really wanted to tell the story of Children of divorce and their adult Children of divorce and their experience. Um Some of the things that have really helped me uh learning about emotions, learning about grief, learning about trust. Um But tell it in a story format so that um that it's accessible and interesting and people hopefully relatable that in that book, there'll be some character that you can relate to if you grew up with divorced or separated parents. And then I'm also on Facebook and Instagram as Tanya Lyons author. So I love to, I try to post um you know, content that is helping people reflect on their experience and encouraging us to keep moving forward together. Thank you so much for being here again. I appreciate sharing your story and the wisdom you've gained over the years. I uh I know we're all better for it just in closing. I want to give you the final word. What words of encouragement would you give to someone who feels broken? You feels stuck in life because of their parents', divorce because of their broken family Yeah, to you, I would say the same things I would say to myself is what happened. It's significant. It's, it's terrible. It's worth being sad and upset about and yet it's not the only thing about you. It's not even the most important thing about you. And I would encourage you even as I encourage myself to, to find some people who can help you move forward so that you don't miss out on the beautiful life that is awaiting you and that the people who love you and people you love don't miss out on who you are. If you want to pick up Tanya's book, just click on the link in the show notes to get that. And if you come from a divorce or broken family, I have a question for you. How is your parents, divorce or your broken family affecting you today? It might be trickier to answer that than it seems. And if your answer is, I don't really know or you don't understand the depth of it, you're not alone, that's actually very common. But in the words of one therapist, when it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle. Our new assessment will help you name and diagnose your Brokenness. So you can heal it at its roots, not just treat the symptoms and build the life and relationships that you desire. So if you want to become the best version of yourself. You want to find the love, happiness and freedom that you long for and you want to avoid repeating the cycle of dysfunction and divorce. Then you need to heal. And the first step to healing is naming and diagnosing the wound to help do that. Take our free confidential and research based assessment. Just go to my broken family dot com, answer the questions there and then you'll view your results again. That's my broken family dot com. Or just click on the link in the show notes that wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them and always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
#094: Are You Trying to Outrun Your Trauma?
How have you dealt with the trauma of your parents’ divorce or broken family?
How have you dealt with the trauma of your parents’ divorce or broken family?
After enduring her parents’ divorce, her mom’s alcoholism, her dad’s absence, and her stepmom’s abuse, today’s guest tried to outrun her trauma through busyness, accomplishments, and perfectionism.
Before long, she went from repressing her emotions and saying “I’m fine” to “I need help.” That began her healing, which we discuss, plus:
How she doubted her ability to be a good wife and mother
How she grew up faster than her peers from intact families, making it difficult to relate to them
When are anxiety or depression drugs necessary and when are they used inappropriately?
Take the My Broken Family Assessment
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Her email: alana1201@gmail.com
How to heal from trauma and break the cycle of shame | Dr. Peter Attia
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you've experienced the trauma of your parents', divorce or your family falling apart. I have a question for you. How have you dealt with it? How have you dealt with it? In other words, what have you done in response to the trauma itself and the pain and the problems it's brought into your life. My guest today endured her parents' divorce, her mom's alcoholism, her dad's absence and even her stepmom's abuse. So what was her response? She tried to outrun her trauma through busines, through accomplishments and perfectionism and it worked for a while, but eventually it caught up with her. Now, thankfully, she went from repressing her emotions and saying, I'm fine to saying I need help. She then began to seek healing which we dive into. In this episode. We also discussed how she feared and doubted her ability to be a good wife and mother because she never saw that growing up how she felt like she grew up faster than her peers from intact families making it difficult to relate to them. We discuss situations where anxiety or depression, drugs are necessary in situations where they're used inappropriately. We talk about how authentic love is healing and why she's even grateful for all the challenges she's endured. And she even has a really beautiful message to her parents. Keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 94. If you found this podcast helpful in navigating the pain and the problems from your parents divorce and even finding healing. I'm thrilled to announce that we have a new resource that's going to help you even more. We'll be releasing two video courses. The first is all about trauma. It's titled Broken to Whole Tactics to Heal from your parents', divorce or broken marriage. And it answers what is trauma, how does trauma in general but also the trauma of your parents', divorce or dysfunctional family affect you again to the science, even the neurobiology of it. It's fascinating stuff. What can you do to heal from it? So you can avoid repeating that cycle in your own life. And so much more of the course is actually taught by a trauma therapist with over 15 years of experience helping people to heal from trauma. And the second course is all about how to confidently help someone from a divorce or broken family. It answers questions like what struggles do Children of divorce and dysfunction face. What should you say? Not say do and not do in order to help them, how do you start those difficult conversations? What if they seem fine? And there's some special tips for parents and so much more. And that course is actually taught by me. The content is based on a lot of research but also restored article that ranks top three on Google when someone searches a term, like how do I help a friend who's going through their parents divorce and that receives over 3000 views each month. So more details coming soon, especially that title of the second course and the official launch date. So stay tuned for that. And if you'd like to join the waitlist to get notified first and be given a special advanced access, just go to restored ministry dot com slash courses, again, restored ministry ministry, singular dot com slash courses or just click the link in the show notes. And by doing that, you also get a bonus on building healthy relationships and a strong marriage as a child of divorce who also experienced a traumatic stepparent situation. Alana spent much of her young adult life striving for perfection and success in all areas of life throughout her healing process. She earned a degree in secondary education from Penn State University and married the love of her life, Nick during their junior year of college, they currently live near Pittsburgh Pier where Alana works as a youth minister and outreach coordinator at her parish Alan and Nick are expecting their first baby soon and cannot be more excited to be parents. Now, a quick disclaimer, Alana is a Catholic Christian. So we talk a little about God and faith if you don't believe in God, this episode is still for you. I'm so glad that you're here. I know you're gonna relate a lot with Alana's story. Even if you were to skip or take out the God part, you're still going to benefit from this episode. So my challenge to you is just listen with an open mind. Also, Alana and I are obviously not doctors or psychologists or psychiatrists. So our discussion about taking drugs for anxiety and depression is not meant in any way to tell you what to do for your specific situation. So with that, let's dive in Alana. Welcome to the show. Thanks so much for doing this. Hi. Thank you so much for having me. I'm happy to be here. I read your story on our blog and we'll make sure to link to that in the show notes. So if you could check that out as well, and I knew that, you know, we need to have you on the show. So it's great to have you. And so diving right in uh how old were you when your parents separated and divorced? So I was about either five or six uh at some point during kindergarten. And then I just remember things in my life kind of changing quickly after that. But honestly, when it comes to like the divorce itself, I don't really remember much. I remember being pulled into like my guidance counselor's office and then reading me this like divorcing Dinosaurs book and I'm like, what the heck is this? And then little did I know? Yeah. Ok. I've never, I've never heard of the divorced dinosaur book. Uh Do you have any memory of what? That's like, I'm curious. So my the guidance counselor's office was like, totally groovy like lava lamps everywhere, like beans tapestries. So I just remember being mesmerized by that and then being sit down with this like divorcing dinosaurs book and the kids' parents I think are going through a divorce and it's like a children's book that, you know, is used to help convey the idea of divorce to kids. Honestly, I just remember being distracted by the lava lamp but then afterwards I was like, oh, why was I pulled out of class individually? Like for that and just kind of being like confused, like why was this book being read to me? Yeah. No, it's, it's a sad scene for sure. And I think a lot of times, you know, the people who put resources like that together have good intentions, but it can totally miss the mark. You know, in a way what I've seen with a lot of those resources, they like try to normalize this divorce and try to make it seem like it's this, oh, it's just like a different phase of your family. It's like, no, actually your family is like, breaking apart and, and in some ways it's like dying and so trying to make a child, like, understand it. Like you'd make them understand how food grows or how, you know, where your grandma and grandpa live. Like things like that. It, it's not, not that easy. Yeah, I feel like that was definitely a big intention of like the authors of the book. And yeah, definitely looking back on that and reflecting on it, I remember being little and having like therapists or counselors say, you know, this is OK, this isn't your fault. And I'm like, OK, I get that but like why is it happening and why does it hurt so much? Just like you said, I feel like especially in today's culture, divorce or just like relationship issues in general are very normalized when really, when you look at it, it's like that's not how life and how relationships were meant to be. Yeah, so true. And I, I love the way you said that I might be adding a few words here. But it's like if it isn't a big deal, why does it hurt so much? Mhm And so as much as you're comfortable sharing, yeah. Take us deeper into that. Like what happens um in your family? Yeah. So at some point, I want to say either during kindergarten or the summer after, um, we spent, yeah, I think that summer after kindergarten, my mom and my younger brother and I, his name is Brendan. He's three years younger than me. We lived in our family friends like Den. Um, and then shortly after that, we got our own townhouse a few minutes away from, uh, where we had all lived previously. And then at that point I think we would, like, see our dad, like two nights a week and then every other weekend. And that was kind of the case for like most of my childhood up through, like high school things were like, ok, after they had split prior to them splitting, all I really remember was just arguing a lot about, I don't even know what I have one vivid memory of. I can't remember which parent but one of them, like, grabbed me, ran to the bathroom, locked the door while the other one's like pounding on the door. So kind of scary. Yeah, throughout childhood, uh, they just kind of stayed separated and I do kind of have to pat my parents on the back here a little bit in terms of after the divorce, the way the two of them interacted with each other for the most part when we were around was very respectable. Um, like they were civil with each other and I feel like they did for the most part prioritize my and like my brother's needs, which was great. Um I, yeah, I feel like a lot of that started to change though when my dad remarried. So he started dating this other lady, uh when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Um, and then they married when I was in seventh grade and at first my stepmom, you know, she was like fun taking me on shopping trips, getting my nails done and then turns out that was kind of a big cover for her being abusive. So she uh she has her own slew of traumas from her own parents and mental disorders and a very stressful job. And with her not taking care of that, she kind of like projected all of that onto my dad and me and my brother, she would like, prevent him from him coming to see us when we'd go to their house on the weekend. She would like, always have my dad be doing chores that like didn't really need to be done just to avoid him spending time with us. Even when I was like an older teenager, she wouldn't let me use anything in the kitchen. Like wasn't allowed to cook, wasn't allowed to like, really eat anything other than cereal. And just that like the entire period of time that she was in my life, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and like in my own feeble little teenage voice, I'm trying to voice this to my dad because I'm one trying to like, convince myself that, oh, this is normal. She's just a bit of an odd duck and she has been through a lot and try to like, convince myself that what she's doing is ok when it was not. So I feel like with that, I kind of internalized a lot of confusion, frustration, hurt pain because I mean, at the end of the day, it's like my dad's being taken away from me and with that around that time as well, my mom's dad had passed away and my mom had always kind of had issues with drinking. But I feel like that her dad's death really exacerbated that and she's been struggling with alcoholism. I mean, pretty much ever since the divorce. But especially since then. So with that as a young teenager in like middle school, I remember distinctly remembering and I went to like Catholic school my whole life and I really think it's because of that that now I can say like my faith is one of the biggest like, influences and most important things in my life. But I remember just having this like uns shaking belief that this is for a purpose and that all these things that I'm going through. Like there's a reason for it. Like it's either making me stronger or it's gonna help me with something in the future. I didn't know what, but I really think it was by the grace of God that he gave me that confidence despite, you know, being in such a hard time. So that kind of continued all throughout high school, all that stuff with my stepmom. And then my mom started dating someone else. I think my freshman or sophomore year of high school. Um, and he's nice gentleman. He's very fine, but still throughout high school I was very involved academically. Um, I was the captain of, like, the academic bowl and STEM team and on a travel field hockey team and like peer ministry. And I was the girl that like, did all the things that a lot. Yeah. But looking back on that, like since now that I'm almost finishing college, I realized that, oh, I kind of used all of those things to hide anything. I was feeling like, oh, if I'm busy, then I don't have to like, interact with my family or I don't have to like, dwell on these emotions because I'm just go, go, go all the time and then I don't have time to like, sit with my feelings. And I feel like honestly, my whole childhood up until I came to college, my emotions were just completely repressed and I feel like I let my identity be what I did. I think also. So my brother, when he was younger, he had a lot more needs and because he was two, when they got divorced, he needed a lot more attention emotionally and stuff. So I feel like just overall I was very independent, kind of left to my own devices and that just kind of went through my entire childhood and young adulthood. Yeah, that's it in a nutshell, I guess. Yeah, I know there's so much there and thanks for just your openness. And before we dive into, I have a few comments. But before we dive into further things too, I just want to say how impressed I am by you. Like I know a little bit about you and everyone will learn more about you in this interview. But it's beautiful to see given what you've described of what you've been through, of what your parents have struggled with and the ways in which you were, you know, just traumatized by the separation and the divorce and how, you know, you suffered through the abuse and just the other things that you dealt with in addition to all of that, then you are where you are today. That's impressive. And so I just want you to just to know that and I think that's so hopeful too for other people who may be young people who are in the midst of it right now. And they think like, I feel like I can never get through this or never move on in life. And uh it's beautiful to see that, that you're doing that. So, uh so well done. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Of course, what you said about kind of busyness that relates to me a lot. Maybe that's just my personality type but I, you know, try to pack my schedule and just like, I love, yeah, just being productive and doing all that. And, like, you know, in high school too and even college for me it was like, sports and trying to accomplish different things and do well there and, and I, like you said, I think there's something, you know, good about it but of course, um, it can be a coping mechanism and it certainly was for me kind of just hiding from my pain and not wanting to face it. And I've heard people use the analogy when it comes to like repressed emotions. Like you mentioned that all that grief that we kind of are like running from. It's almost like a swimmer in the water with like imagine a woman swimming in water with really long hair and it's almost like that hair is like dragging behind her for this analogy. And, um, it won't that, that like long yucky, like dark hair won't catch up with her unless she stops. So she keeps swimming in a way she'll feel safe. But when she stops, it's like, oh, watch out. And so, um, I'm so glad that you've like, you know, dug into that too because people can go years and years and years much longer than, you know, much older than you. And I are even right now. Um, and never really address this stuff and it's just, that really breaks my heart. So it's, um, it's awesome to see that. You know, you've, you've begun that work and even made progress. But I remember my daughter Lucy right now, she like, is going through this phase where she loves watching The Sound of Music. So she's like, all about it. And to those of you who don't know that movie, it's like a movie from, I think it came out in the sixties. And um it's a musical and it's, uh you know, it's a little older now, but it was, it was a great movie, but she just loves the music and everything. And um, so we watched it like a million times recently and uh one of the lines in the movie is um activity suggests a life filled with purpose and I think that's so true. I think that's a lot of times how I felt is almost like this thing where if I'm really busy then I, I feel important. I feel significant. I feel like um people will respect me. And so that's another component to that busines as well. So I can relate a lot on that front. But um man, you went through, through so much and um I uh yeah, again, appreciate you being so vulnerable. So, so open to that before I hop on hop further. Anything else you want to say about what happened? Well, I guess just to comment on some things you mentioned one sound of music would recommend Love that. And two. Yeah, I think the analogy of the woman swimming in the water is very accurate. I've never really heard of that before, but at least for me, like, you know, living in, you know, my parents' houses up until I was 18 and then I went off to college and it wasn't until I kind of had that quote unquote stop in college where I had, I think the first opportunity in my life to really be introspective and think about, you know, my upbringing because this was like the first time I'm actually living on my own. And it really took that for me to realize that oh, I had been through really difficult things and that was kind of the catalyst for me to start like getting help and actually starting my healing process. Beautiful. No, that makes so much sense. And I think it's a good lesson to everyone listening, especially who is um behind you on the path, who hasn't gotten to that point yet if they're still, you know, swimming, if they're still running, kind of escaping those things. Um, at a point, it can get really difficult. I remember in college for me too, even high school. But college for me as well where like I just, I, I was like, experience a lot of messy emotions is like the best way I could put it into words at the time. It was like I just felt super broken. I couldn't even tell you like why or what was going on. I knew it was related to just a lot of, you know what I had gone through in my family, all that trauma. Um But I didn't fully understand it. So, um I think if you know that's coming, I think it is really helpful and then you can kind of not be surprised when that those struggles happen and then you can know, ok, I'm gonna need some help with this. And I'm not aware are strange for experiencing this. Given the difficult things I've been through, given the trauma, it's kind of to be expected. It's like if you break your ankle, you know, and then you heal it and go through therapy and then you start running again. It's like if you try to run a marathon, you might, you know, feel some pain. That's, that's normal. Yeah. No, I definitely agree with all of that. And I think at least for me, it came with like two sides of the same coin. Like one, a lot of freedom, a lot of freedom to finally, like, be myself and live and just have like a routine that I wanted where I wasn't constrained by, you know, all the happenings between going from one house to another factory and like all these other family things. Um, but two, I think with that freedom came a lot of reflection on, oh, why is it that I finally feel so happy being by myself. And I think a lot of hard emotions with that. And I think with that transition to college, like, one of, one of the first things that I did when arriving um was get involved with my campuses, Newman Center. And I feel like, honestly, that was where I really started to find like the friends and the people who one brought me closer to Christ. But two actually, like, sat with me with my feelings that like, I didn't even know I had and it's those friends that more than anything probably. And my now husband that we, we met at the Newman Center. But um it's those people who really have changed my life and helped me the most through this whole healing process so good. I'm excited to dig into that more as well. Was there anything else you wanted to add about kind of how your parents divorce, how their broken marriage um, affected you? I think like, one of the biggest things I guess was this fear that I had that I want to know how to be a good wife or a good mom one day. Quite honestly, I think that was like the biggest thing I was afraid of from probably all of my teenage years, just like I'm not gonna know how to manage a household or cook dinner properly or take care of kids or have a good happy holy relationship with my spouse just because, like I had never seen it. Like I had no idea what that looked like. Not only that, but you'd look to TV, you look to many other relationships, even, like my parents friends had struggling relationships or my friend's parents had struggling relationships and my parents' friends. But it's like, it's very hard to see good examples of what that looks like. Um, and I think from like a young teenager, I'm like, how do I do this in the future? And it wasn't until I really one met my now husband and two saw his parents. Um, and the good example that they had that I kind of understood that, but no, that fear definitely kept me back from. I feel like a lot of things like I was very high, like, hid myself a lot in a lot of ways. Um, and then also in high school, I feel like it led me to seek out a lot of relationships with other boys that weren't necessarily fruitful. I had two shorter relationships in like my sophomore year of high school and then another boy and I dated for nearly two years, my junior and senior year and at the time I was like, oh my gosh, we're gonna get married like he's a good Catholic. Um And yet, like, in retrospect a lot, like both of us used each other for, um, our like, emotional needs for attention. Um, it led to like, some unchased things between us and just a lot of use. Um, I think because we were both just yearning for that, like, love and affection and like, affirmation that neither of us were getting from our parents. And yeah, once I kind of like, realized that it was a very hard pill to swallow to realize that this is how my parents' divorce was, like, actually affecting me because I think up until that point I had convinced myself like, oh no, they're fine. I'm fine. I'm a big girl. Like it doesn't affect me. And then once I really, like, let myself consider that for a second, I was like, oh, no, this actually affects me a lot more than I think it does totally. And so many of us have had that experience where like we're going through life and like, I, I think I'm good, like, I, I don't think it really affected me much and then it kind of hit you in the face, especially the trend we've seen and you've probably seen this in the podcast is relationships. Like that's usually the thing that's like, man, I feel lost. I don't know what I'm doing or I'm just like, terrified of repeating what my parents had and I certainly don't want that. And, um, I know when it came to dating for me touching on what you just said, um, I was so scared like I was, I was just freaked out. I was like, I don't know how to go about this. I am just afraid the person is like going to abandon me because I, you know, didn't want to repeat what I saw in my parents' marriage and my own marriage. But also I didn't want to repeat that feeling, that experience of abandonment and rejection that I experienced when my parents separated. And so all of that just felt so scary and so risky that it was like, it's better maybe just play it safe and just not go down this route and kind of give up on love and relationships. And, um, what happens in that case, like you said, so well, and I experienced this too is if we give up on love and relationships, we just settle for the counterfeit usually. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. No, I definitely agree with that. Yeah. And, and, and that never satisfies. So then we have to go deeper into that and look for more and more and more. So, I'm, I'm right there with you. You mentioned your husband's parents. I want to stay there for a second. Uh What have you learned from them? I'm just curious because there's a lot of people who find themselves in that same spot that you and I were in where it's like, yeah, I'm scared. I don't know how to do this. Um, but then again, one of the trends we've seen is when you have those good marriages in your life. That can be a beautiful example and give you hope. Um, it goes really far. So I'm curious in particular for you from your parent, um, husband's parents or from other couples you knew? Like, what did you learn? Yeah. So, I guess a little bit of context about my husband before jumping into his parents, but we met my freshman year of college and then got married. When was it in the middle of our junior year? And we're just finishing up or yeah, about to graduate after about a year and a half of marriage and with all that. So, especially during the COVID pandemic. Uh, since all of our classes were online, uh, we would kind of every couple weeks move back and forth between staying with his parents and staying with mine and his parents. Uh, his whole family is like very devout Catholic. Uh, he has two older sisters and a younger brother and his parents are genuinely like the most loving, caring, selfless people that I know. Um, they have been married, I wanna say 38 years this year. And you can just tell them like the way they treat each other, the way they treat their kids and their grandkids, they truly, truly respect each other and want what's best for the other person after I had gotten to know them for or a little bit. I had learned that there was a point where they actually almost got a divorce themselves and there were some really rough financial things going on and they, they actually did plan to divorce once all their kids were 18 and out of the house, which I mean, I thought was impressive that they would still stay together despite practically hating each other just for the sake of their Children. Like I'm, I'm getting choked up thinking about that, but just the sacrifices that they were willing to make for the sake of their kids blows my mind. And yet with that, like they say, constantly, you know, their relationship is so much stronger now that they have been through that than, you know, than it ever was before going through such a challenge. And I think it's, it's just really, really admirable. Wow, that is super impressive. And I'd be so curious to learn from them too. Maybe we'll have to get them on the podcast. But yeah, I, and the more I learn about marriage and hear from couples who are like way smarter than, you know, me and the more I realize like those sorts of struggles and kind of getting to that point where you want to quit are pretty normal in a marriage. Some people are scandalized by that because they think marriage is going to be like this fairy tale. But, um I think it, again, it's helpful if you can kind of expect like, yeah, at some point, things are going to get harder than they are. Now and I might want to quit. I might want to walk away and I think that's really where, that's really where it takes a lot of like virtue, a lot of strength and God's grace to, to keep going and what they experience too. Um, I don't have the research in front of me, but there's a lot of research that says if you, if you push through those hard times, if you make those sacrifices, of course, with the exception that there's not like abuse or things like, you know, you might get killed by your thoughts or whatever like that, then you need to get to safety, of course. But if you can push through those difficult times, those annoyances, those frustrations, those, you know, even like you said, hitting each other, perhaps, um the majority of the time your marriage will actually improve like they saw and, and that's like really hopeful and beautiful. So a lot of people don't hear that. And again, I don't have the research performing sorry guys. But I think it's really important to hear because those struggles, they're inevitable. Yeah, definitely. And even just anecdotally, like my mother-in-law has said, she like so many of her sisters and in-laws and her friends and their marriages have had very severe struggles. Um And yet with all of them, the ones that have stuck together through that they're so much happier, so much stronger, so much more devoted to each other after going through that when Nick and I were doing our marriage prep and like pre K stuff. Our sponsor couple detailed some of the struggle that they went through and I, we both look at them as like just this wonderful epitome of a good Catholic couple and Catholic family and to know that they chose to get through those struggles together and to choose each other over and over again and to choose their kids over their own, like, feelings is very admirable to see. And I think for a while it was hurtful, like, having known that, that in marriage and in relationships, it is a choice that we can make to stick it out through those hard times. Um, I feel like coming to that realization led to some resentment with my own parents for, for a bit, just like, why, why couldn't they choose to seek help? Why couldn't they, um, choose to consider me and my brother a little bit more? Um, and how their decisions might affect us. I've since, like, worked past that. But I think recognizing the power of choice and the ability to persevere is very, very impressive. Yeah. No, I agree. And we, we champion that in other areas of life a ton. Right. You know, it's like in school or career or sports or, you know, staying fit, whatever we don't tell people, oh, just quit and go try something else. It's like, no, we, we tell them, like, push through like, persevere, be strong, like all that stuff and we need more of that within our, within marriage, just for sure. So, I, I definitely agree with what you're saying. Yeah. Was there anything else? I guess you've learned, you learned from them in particular that was kind of transformative for you, like, aside from just their whole story overall. Yeah, I guess speaking of my father-in-law in particular, so the issue that they had led him to have to leave his job and kind of leave his whole entire field that he had worked in for years. And as a result, he picked up his sister's dog walking business. Mind you, he hates dogs. Um, but it, it was the job that he could get at the time. And since then, I mean, he continues every single day of the year, like holidays, weekends, kids', birthdays, everything he goes out there and he walks these dogs and as much as he hates it, he does it every single day without any complaining whatsoever because he knows he's providing for his family and those that he loves. I mean, you'll get the old, old like, oh, out to go, like pick up some more dog poop again and like humorous things, but never once wants a genuine complaint. And I feel like that that is just such a gift that he provides to his family. And I, I really admire him for that. And I know my husband does and all of his kids do as well. So it's very impressive. No, that's so impressive. And I, I think that what you're getting at, like this ability to sacrifice, which we can boil it down to like self mastery. Right. That's the core ingredient to a beautiful marriage. That's it. Like, like, obviously there's other things too. But I think at its core and, or the foundation we can say is like, if you have that basic virtue, if you have that self mastery, that ability to like, deny yourself to do what's best for the people that you love. You're going to get way further than doing what the culture really suggests, which is like, we'll go with your feelings or do whatever you want. Um That's just going to be a recipe for disaster. Yeah, definitely. And like throwing it back to my high school theology class to love is to will the good of the other. And that's not to just want to do what's best for the other people, but it's to make those sacrifices when it's hard and to actually get out there and do the things that are better for the other person, even if it's not what you want. And yeah, just like you said, I feel like that is when it really comes down to it, that is what makes or breaks a relationship so good. Staying on the theme of relationships you already mentioned, you know, your relationship and in high school and some other things. Was there anything else you would add in terms of how your parents divorce all the dysfunction at home, impacted your ability to relate with other people, especially in your dating relationships and now your marriage. Yeah. Well, I'd say kind of detailed all the dating relationship stuff, but socially, just as an elementary, middle, high school student, I felt it difficult to just relate to my peers in general. I felt that I grew up a lot more quickly than the other kids around me. And because of that, I couldn't quite relate to them and like that they could relate to each other. I also just went to a very small school and middle school girls can get very clicky. So I feel like already that like lack of connection combined with all that just made socialization a bit difficult up until high school when things got a bit better. But yeah, it took a lot of like kind of introspection to kind of like reflect and realize that. And then once I did things started to make a lot more sense when it comes to my current relationship. Now with my husband, honestly, I gotta say that was one of the biggest things that helped me, one realize how affected I was by my parents' divorce and two helped me start my like healing process. We started dating honestly, just a couple weeks into my freshman year of college. Um So as I was going through this big life change, um and all these other, just like subconscious emotional changes, um I also started to have panic attacks out of nowhere right around this time. And it was really nick, who one helped me through that. Like during my first panic attack, my first instinct was to call him and we weren't even dating yet, but my first instinct was to call him and he ran half a mile across campus to come get me. So if that's not dedication, I don't know what it is. But, but he would, even if he didn't quite understand why I was feeling the things I was feeling because his home life growing up was drastically different than mine without fail. He took the time to sit with me and my emotions help me process them because I never processed them before. He helped me understand what it was. I was truly looking for in a relationship. I had kind of come to that realization just before meeting him. But he was kind of like the actualization of that. But he has just provided such a safe haven and such a good rock for me as I've been going through this journey the past like four years now and I'm still going through it. But just without fail, he never fails to show up and help me with whatever it is I'm going through and he's patient and he's kind and he's loving in just so many different ways. And one, I don't think I'd be the person I am without my parents' divorce. But two, I don't think I'd be the person I am without him as well. Beautiful. Wow. Sounds like an incredible man. And thanks for sharing all that. Yeah, I think it's again so hopeful too, especially to people who maybe checked out and given up on love and relationships all together because it is rough in the dating world. Like I'm glad I'm not dating today. I'm sorry to all of you out there who are like, it's rough out there. But knowing that there's good men like your, your husband is super hopeful. And I love the point like underneath the point that you're making, it's just like this idea that like love can be healing, incredibly healing. And, and I found that too, whether it was in my friendships or, you know, my dating relationship, even like I was able to date really great girls, like incredibly like virtuous, beautiful women and uh and my wife included. And uh it can be incredibly healing. And I think when we look at our Brokenness, our wounds, the trauma we've endured. I learned this from Dr Bob Sheets, like at the root of almost every wound is a deprivation of love or a distortion of love. And so naturally, it follows that he, you know, to heal those wounds, we need authentic love. And so that's what you're experiencing, which is really, really beautiful. And, you know, you can experience that again in your friendships and your relationship with God, perhaps even in your relationship with your parents if, if those relationships are healed in time. Um And, but yeah, in, in a marriage for sure. So it's really, really beautiful to, to see that, that, that love can be healing, that love can be. Um it can, it can transform you and not, not in the sense that you know, your husband's your savior, but in the sense that he can, you know, see the Brokenness, see the wound, see the messiness, see the imperfections that you have and love you in spite of them. And perhaps even because of them, those moments in my life are like where people have been like seeing how broken I am and they still love me that, that in itself was just like healing. Yeah. No, I totally agree with all that Joey. And I think especially as like a young woman in today's society, it can be just in general, hard to think that there are good quality men out there who actually want to take care of you and love you for who you are. Um and not just for what you are and taking the time to really seek out just high quality people for friends in general, but especially in a dating partner or a spouse, it's definitely worth the wait can agree more when it comes to healing and, you know, kind of navigating the pain and the problems that you dealt with in healthy ways. You mentioned some of the unhealthy ways. Um What were a few things that again really helped you heal and really helped you cope or navigate those things in addition to what you already mentioned? Yeah, ironically, the COVID pandemic I think was really helpful with um all the time, you know, spending time by myself. Um and especially with Nick and his family. I think that was a very good opportunity that came out of such a dark time that for everyone. But I think also seeking out therapy and good therapy has been extremely helpful. So shortly after we got married, so I, I had been struggling with my mental health um with anxiety and depression for, I mean, I wanna say years, but I didn't like throughout my childhood, but I don't think I realized that it affected me that much until right around when COVID hit. So about a year ago was when I started seeing a therapist mostly for just like my mental health because that's what I thought it was. I was like, oh, I'm just anxious from, you know, not seeing a lot of people because of COVID and I'm depressed because I can't get out and I'm a huge extrovert and I was like, it got to the point that I'm doing like, I'm exercising, sleeping, right, doing all the things that should help alleviate that. And the fact that I was still feeling these awful things told me that, hey, I should probably seek some help. So I did originally just for mental health in general. And then with that therapy, we kind of realized that no, a lot of this actually ties back to my parents' divorce and what I went through and how that made me feel how much of a perfectionist made me become, how much it made me repress my emotions, how much it made me like, put my self worth and like the things I did because that's when I would get attention from my parents if I like, got a trophy or whatever. And all of like the behaviors that my parents had when I was living with them really manifested themselves in how I viewed myself. And thanks to a good therapist that I've seen. And then also another incredible Catholic therapist that my mom and now my mom and I are currently seeing now. I feel like both of that, both of them have helped me just heal and or at least have the ability to heal with myself. I think at least for me, I'm like, being so introspective, just simply taking the time to think about things has been very helpful for me. But you can only really do that effectively if you know what to look for. And it was these wonderful therapists that I had that I think actually helped me with that and I, I feel like I got lucky with just like getting two great therapists right off the bat. But I remember in high school I also wanted to seek out a therapist and I tried three different ones and we just didn't click at all. Um, so if anyone is considering therapy, I definitely consider you to keep looking until you do find someone that you connect with. Um, and especially if you're a practicing Catholic, seeking out Catholic therapists. I think there's a website called like my catholic therapist dot com. And I, I definitely recommend that and I feel like that other than Nick is the biggest reason that I've moved through all of my emotions and everything as well as I have beautiful and I think your story of kind of experiencing symptoms and just like knowing the symptoms where it's like, well, I'm sad a lot. I'm depressed. I'm anxious a lot. I'm having these panic attacks, especially when you get to that point. Um, I think that's usually where people realize like, I need some help. And thankfully you sought it out a lot of times people don't and they just kind of like, find other ways to deal with it. A lot of times they're unhealthy ways, whether it's drinking or, you know, partying or sleeping around or binging on so many different things. So, no, that, that's beautiful that you sort it out. And then I'm glad that you had, you know, a therapist who was competent enough to see like these are symptoms of some root cause they're not, you know, the root cause in and of itself. Because what I've seen a lot and this is like one critique I have of the psych world and I know a lot of people have this critique too is that so often we just manage symptoms, we don't get to the root. And so that's where especially in the world of psychiatry, I've heard psychiatrists come out and say like our profession is failing people in a lot of ways because we just manage symptoms. And then we, they, especially in psychiatry, they do it with pills, you know, with medicine and I'm not, I'm not against medicine. I think there's a place for it, but it needs to be more in depth and it needs to be used more carefully than just like, oh, you're sad. Here's a pill that will make you not feel sad. It's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, why are they so sad? Like what's at the root of that? Is there some sort of trauma, is there, you know, something else going on in their life? And so um so that's beautiful that you had someone who was able to point to that and it sounds like that's been effective like it's been helping you as well. Is that still as much of a struggle now? Or have you been able to, um, kind of find some relief from the, even those symptoms as well. Yeah, I'd say I started seeking therapy a little over a year ago and then soon after that, um, started taking an anti anxiety medication because at least physiologically for me, I'm taking care of my body doing all the like physical things that I need to and yet I'm still like unable to breathe, unable to sleep properly. So, for me, having a medicine was extremely, extremely helpful for me. But I think one of the great things was that both my therapist and my um psychiatrist suggested that I start taking medicine under the assumption that this is temporary just to get you back to a baseline, um where, you know, you're not shaking like a dog every 10 seconds. Um So it's like a gateway to get me to the point where I am able to take care of myself. And that's what it has been like. I, I'm no longer taking the medication and I'm no longer seeing that original therapist that helped me get on that medication. But what they did both with therapy and with medication was give me the tools and get me stable enough so that I could help myself in other ways and let other people in my life help me in other ways. Um But no, I definitely, I definitely agree. And I think in today's society one, it's almost like cool to need antidepressants or something I student teach middle schoolers right now. And they're constantly talking about how, oh, yes. I'm like going to therapy and I'm, I'm very glad that they're like getting help that they need. But at the same time I feel like today's culture glamorizes that when in reality, like you said, medication should not be the end all, be all. Like you can't treat the symptoms, you need to treat the root cause. And I'm very thankful that I've had people in my life to help me with that. Totally. Yeah. No, thanks for sharing that. And I'm so glad that, you know, your therapist and everyone treating you like they took a comprehensive approach. And that's what I was trying to get at when I'm talking about medicine. I don't want anyone to think that I'm like against, you know, like in your case, taking the medicine you needed to take like that, it can be such a good thing and so helpful. I know people right now who, you know, without the medication that they are on it would, they would really, really struggle. And so there's a point to it and I love the temporary piece. I think that's always ideal if you, if that could be the case where it's like we're using this as a tool to get me to a better place where I don't need it anymore. I'm really glad medication exists. Like I've gotten a few surgeries in my life. Nothing major, but I'm really glad they're, you know, that I had medicine to, like, manage the pain. It would have been really miserable if I didn't have that medicine. And, you know, again, when people are in like really rough spots, it can be something that can be very effective. No, no argument there. Um, but yeah, I agree with you too. It's sad to see it as like kind of this blanket approach. And we'll, we'll link to this um interview Dr Peter Attia is a popular doctor who has a podcast and he talks a little bit about this, but he brought on this um uh from what I can tell, like a renowned psychiatrist who practices in New York City. And uh it was really from him that I learned more about his critiques of his own field of psychiatry and how he was saying, you know, that again, he wasn't like saying that the medication is bad in and of itself. But the way that it's often being used is like kind of lazy. It's like, oh, we're just gonna use it as a blanket to cover this problem. We're not actually getting to the root cause. But if it's used as a component as a plan as a part of a, you know, a more comprehensive approach to, to treat someone and help them to, to feel whole again, then uh Yeah, that's great. But the other way can often, what I've seen is actually it leads someone deeper down a hole because it's not, you know, solving what's underneath the surface. So, I'm so glad that, um, you have those competent people in your life who are helping you. And it makes, makes total sense to me. Yeah, totally though. You know, you, I'm sure your work in progress. Um, how have you've seen yourself grow and change and transform over the years from, you know, where you were to where you are today? I laugh because I feel like my 14, 15 year old self would not have or could not have imagined my life being what it is right now. And yet I feel like it's, it's taken the most beautiful and wonderful twists and turns away from what younger me thought. So while in high school, um you know, as I said, I was like the go getter, the like captain of everything, doing all the things. And when I came into college, uh I was originally going to major in biochemistry and I wanted to like go to grad school, get my phd do cancer research, like get a Nobel Prize one day like that. I mean, bit ambitious, but that's what I thought I wanted to do. And it wasn't until I really started this like healing process and all that where I really reflected on. Oh, what does God actually want me to do with my life? Because I thought for the longest time, oh, he's given me you know, this intellect I should use it. But once I kind of like, let him in and try to listen more to what he wanted me to do. He had led me to study secondary education in sciences. So in a few weeks I'll be graduating to be a middle and high school science teacher, which is very exciting. Congratulations. Thank you. So I feel like with that, that was a huge gift from God to one. Still let me like follow my passion for science and my love of that. But also to be in a spot where I can be a mentor to these younger kids, uh especially when they were the age and perhaps going through the things that I went through and to use more of my like empathetic side that I didn't know I had in a career is wonderful. I mean, in addition to that getting married at 21 in college is not necessarily common these days, but oh my gosh, my marriage has been the best thing that has happened in my life. And again, definitely would not have expected that a few years ago. But now being married to Nick almost a year and a half now has been wonderful and we have our first little one on the way. Uh We're expecting this fall so very, very excited for that. And I think, I think just the biggest thing in general is how my desires have shifted. Um since since this whole healing process, um like before, it used to be so outward focused again, doing all the things, getting all the recognition and now it's been so much more focused on quote unquote what really matters, um which to me is family and teaching, you know, our future Children to seek out Christ as a Catholic. After graduation, I'll be working as a youth minister and kind of like outreach coordinator at my parish, which again, not something I would have ever thought I was gonna do. And yet I feel so fulfilled doing that and so content in a way that I didn't even think was possible. Like I am so excited to work for my church to be a mom to raise a family when just like five or six years ago, I almost didn't see that as a possibility for myself. Given my circumstances growing up, I think in general also when it comes to my parents, I'm a lot closer with my dad now. So he and my stepmom, uh they've been separated for, I think two years at this point, but they're getting a divorce now. And as tragic as that is, um it's also relieving that my dad is getting away from a toxic relationship and with that freedom, he's been able to connect a lot more with me and my brother. Um So it's good to kind of have him back. Um And with my mom, we've had a lot more family difficulties with her, me and my brother as of late. But with those difficulties, we've started going to therapy. At least my mom and I have and again, as difficult and painful as that process has been, it has been pretty healing and I've seen her grow a lot deeper in her faith as well. So it's been, it's been very good to see that. And I think there's still a long way to go in terms of like my healing, the way I think about things and my interactions with my parents. But I feel like I can confidently say, you know, after these like four years of healing and like, I don't wanna say soul searching, but like um seeking out help and letting others into my life to help me with that, we're on like a permanent upward trend and things are really good and it's good to say that. Yeah, beautiful. Thanks for sharing all that. I appreciate again, your vulnerability and congrats on the baby. That's so exciting. Um Just being a dad is my, pretty much my favorite thing in the world, if not my favorite thing in the world. So I'm so excited for, for both of you. And it's amazing to see the growth that you've had in your life. And yeah, thinking back to who you were and where you could have ended up to. That's always a humbling thing for me to think of in life. It's like, man, I could have ended up in a really bad spot. Um, I'm not saying my life is perfect or that there's no struggles, but it's like, man, life could have been really sad and scary. Um, so I'm really grateful that that you, you know, have found that path and have followed it and are still on it. So, really, really beautiful before we close out. I'm just curious if your parents were listening right now. Yeah. Is there anything that you would want to say to them? Anything that you would want them to know? That is a tough question. I guess if they were listening, I'd want them to know that I'm not mad at them. I'm not upset with them. Um, like I don't hold any resentment because I know that is a very common feeling amongst, you know, adult Children whose parents were divorced and not that that is a wrong thing to feel or a bad thing to feel. But I'd love for my parents to know that I still love them. And I know that, uh despite all that I went through, despite their decisions, I still know that they did everything with the intention of loving me and loving my brother. And I think also that as kind of hard this is to say, I'm very thankful for what I've been through. As painful as it was. I would do it all over again if it meant me still being the person that I am today. I've had the opportunity to kind of like, share my experiences um with some of my friends as there is, their parents were getting divorced and they were going through messy relationships themselves and things like that. And I truly think that's just the biggest, like testimony of how God uses everything and he doesn't give us things that he doesn't have a purpose for. So for me, I found a lot of comfort in that and I'd love for my parents to know that. Wow, good stuff. Yeah. Difficult question but beautiful answer. Um If people want to contact you, what's the best way for them to do that? Yeah, I'd say by email would be great. Um My email is my name Alana A L A N A 1201 at gmail dot com. And yeah, feel free to reach out. I'd love to talk. Awesome. It's been so good having you. Um 22 final questions. One is um I know you found uh restored helpful. I'm just curious like, yeah, how is restored? Help to you? Um I'll start there and then one final question. Yeah. Um I think the biggest thing, well, one I actually found restored when looking at resources for my friend whose parents were getting a divorce and reading all of these stories and hearing from so many people who went through similar situations that I did simply knowing that I'm not alone I think is just the biggest thing, knowing that I'm not the only one with the feelings that I have um with the concerns that I have with the struggles that I have gone through. Um knowing that there are other people who can relate to me, I think is the biggest thing. And I think that was like the biggest thing that I lacked growing up. Like none of my friends could understand what I went through. No other adults. I felt truly quote unquote, got me and restored, I think because just been such a big blessing in creating that community and creating that connection uh between people when I feel like this is such an un unrecognized issue and unrecognized trauma that so many people um experience and I feel like restored has just been an incredible, incredible resource to just connect people and definitely make me feel not alone, such an honor to serve you. Thank you for um you know, making use of the resources that we have and I'm so glad they've been been helpful. Um Yeah, you're the reason we do it. We want to help you and help your family and help everyone like me who's been through this trauma that you, you, you said, well, it's like it's not treated as a trauma, it's not talked about as a trauma, but it certainly is a trauma and there's millions actually sorry, correction, tens of millions of people who've been through this and don't get the help that they need and deserve and that's wrong. And so we're, we're changing that. So thank you for um for being a part of that coming on the show and in closing, I just wanna give you the final word. What words of encouragement. What advice would you give to someone who, who feels really stuck, who feels broken in life right now because of that trauma of going through their parents, divorce or dysfunction at home. Yeah. Well, real quick, I'd love to just thank you Joey and all the work you and your team do to provide restored ministries. It really is incredible. And I guess any words of advice I've had is that you are not defined by the experiences you had because of your parents. Like we, we go through things, we grow through things and yes, we can be very impacted and shaped by the very difficult things that, you know, life throws at us. And yet even if you feel broken, like I certainly did, I felt like I'd be a failure in any future relationships. I felt like just so many things were scary and I felt like I couldn't do things because of my experiences with divorced parents and yet that doesn't go to waste. That doesn't, that doesn't hold you back. Um And at least for me as a Catholic, God doesn't give us situations that he doesn't equip us to handle. And I feel like relying on God through that and I feel like he gave me a particular grace to trust him on that has been very comforting and healing. But I'd say, regardless of, you know, your belief system or not, every challenge is an opportunity to grow and to use that knowledge for the better. And even if like, you don't understand it, now, there's certainly a way that you can transform that pain and that suffering and those hurt feelings into a way to help yourself and to help others in the future. There's so many good lessons in Alana's story, but there's one that actually hit me that we didn't discuss much and I'll share that in a second. But first, if you come from a divorce or broken family, how is your parents divorce or your broken family affecting you today? It might be trickier to answer that question than it seems. And if your answer is, I don't really know or you don't understand the depth of it, you're actually not alone. That's a very common. But in the words of one therapist, when it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle. Our new assessment will help you name and diagnose your Brokenness. So you can heal it at its roots, not just treat the symptoms and build the life and relationships that you desire. So if you want to become the best version of yourself, find the love, happiness and freedom, you long for and avoid repeating the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. Then you need to heal. And the first step to healing is naming diagnosing your wounds to help you do that. You can take our free confidential and research based assessment. Just go to my broken family dot com again, my broken family dot com, answer the questions there and then you can view your results again. Go to my broken family dot com or just click on the link in the show notes again, among the many good lessons in Alana's story. This one hit me putting the work into healing and becoming healthy and whole actually uncovered her calling in life to education. Another way to say it is the barrier of her untreated Brokenness, hid her calling in life. And once she began to overcome that barrier of untreated Brokenness, untreated trauma, it was unveiled. It's a powerful lesson. So if you feel stuck and unsure about what you should do with your life, perhaps your Brokenness is blinding you and you need to begin healing so that you can discover it. If you'd like to share your story with us like Elana did, we'd love to hear it. There's three easy steps to do that. But first, some of the benefits of sharing your story reflecting on your story is healing on a neurobiological level. Writing your story is also healing studies have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events in their lives are less depressed, less anxious, healthier and happier. And sharing your story with someone is healing on a neurobiological level as well. And also sharing your story gives guidance and hope to people who are struggling in similar ways that you are. How do you do that? Well, just go to restored ministry dot com slash story, again, restored ministry dot com slash story. The form in that page guides you in telling a short version of your story. And then we'll turn that into an anonymous blog article. So share your story now by going to restored ministry dot com slash story or just click on the link in the show notes. All right. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them and always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
#093: Radio Interview: In Divorce, the Kids are Not Okay and Here’s Why
Two things we’ve learned about divorce from scientific studies and stories of people like us:
Two things we’ve learned about divorce from scientific studies and stories of people like us:
Almost always, divorce is traumatic and damaging for the children
The effects are typically serious and long lasting
In this episode, you’ll hear a radio interview I did that elaborates on each point:
How divorce is traumatic for the children
The specific pain and problems it brings into our lives
A resource that you can use to navigate through the pain and problems and even find healing
Get Free Chapters or Buy: It’s Not Your Fault
Links & Resources
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Two things we've learned about divorce from the scientific studies and listening to stories of people like us who come from divorced families. The first is almost always, divorce is traumatic and damaging for the Children. The second is the effects, the symptoms are usually serious and long lasting. And along those lines in this episode, you'll hear a radio interview that I did about that topic, how divorce is traumatic for the Children, the specific pain and problems it brings into our lives and finally a resource that you can use to navigate through the pain and problems and even find healing. So, keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 93. If you found this podcast helpful in navigating the pain and problems from your parents', divorce or broken family and even finding healing. I'm thrilled to announce that we have a new resource that's going to help you even more. We'll be releasing two video courses. The first is about trauma. It answers what is trauma, how does trauma in general? But also the trauma of your parents divorce or a dysfunctional family affect you. We get into the, the science, even the neurobiology. Really fascinating stuff. What can you do to heal from it and even prevent yourself from being traumatized in the future? And so much more, so many more questions that are answered. And the course is actually taught by a trauma therapist who's been treating trauma, helping people heal their trauma for over 15 years. The second course is all about how to confidently help someone who comes from a divorce or broken family. It answers what struggles do, Children of divorce or dysfunction typically face what should you say and not say do and not do in order to help them. How do you start those difficult conversations? What if they seem like they're fine? Like what should you do in that case? And some special tips, especially for parents and so much more. And that course is actually taught by me. The content is based on a lot of research but also on a restored article that ranks top three on Google and receives over 3000 views per month on that topic. And so more details will be coming soon such as the official titles and the launch date. So stay tuned for that. But if you want to join the waitlist to get notified first and be given special advanced access to the courses, just go to restored ministry dot com slash courses. Again, restored ministry ministry singular dot com slash courses or just click on the link in the show notes. And by doing that, you also get a bonus on building healthy relationships and a strong marriages when you do sign up for that wait list. So again, go to restored ministry dot com slash courses or just click on the link in the show notes before playing the interview. A quick disclaimer. I do interviews on various podcasts and radio shows. Some of them are secular. Some of them are religious. This one happens to be religious. It's a Catholic Christian radio station in the Denver area. And so just a disclaimer there. If you're someone who, you know, doesn't believe in God or you're not Catholic, you're not Christian. I'm so glad you're here. You're still gonna learn a lot from the interview and you can even skip the God parts and you're still gonna benefit from it. So, with that, here we go today, our special guest is Joey Pontarelli. He's the author of, it's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce. He's also started running a successful website called restored Ministry dot com and uh Joey, thanks for joining us today, Deacon. It's an honor to be with you. Great to talk with you again. Well, you know, we had talked jeez probably a couple of years ago. I can't even remember how long it was about, uh you know, your, your ministry about really working with young people uh to deal with the pains of divorce and you put this book together and, you know, reading the book. You know, I can kind of, you know, you can feel your pain but you can also feel, you know, how much you really want to try to help young people, try to navigate this because way too many young people are told, you know what you're young, you're resilient, you'll get over it and they just kind of get brushed off. Absolutely. And I, I think that's one of the biggest myths when it comes to divorce. I think intuitively, a lot of people know that divorce is like this ugly painful thing. But so often we focus more on the parents who are going through the divorce than the Children. And when it comes to the Children, kind of the cultural belief is that like you said, they'll be fine, they're resilient and the truth is they won't be fine and they're not as resilient as we think. And we can get into some of the research. But the truth is that so many of them struggle in very serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy, coping relationship issues, difficulties in their relationship with their parents. The list goes on and on. There, there are very real problems that they deal with. But for some reason, as a culture, we've just overlooked this trauma that they've endured and the uh life lasting effects that come with it. Yeah, I just think, you know, you really hit the nail on the head about, you know, all the things that can go on again. We'll get into some of the details. And you mentioned Leila Miller in your book, we've had her on the show and you know, we have her book, Primal Loss, which is a, a bunch of people's stories about divorce. But yours is so I highly recommend that book. But this book is really specific in terms of not only the pain that you went through, but what people can do to kind of navigate this really difficult time in their life that really can't be minimized. And, and as you mentioned, right, kids can't be a second thought on this. This should be the primary thought. That was my story. You can, I came from, I come from a broken family when I was 11 years old, my parents separated and later got divorced and it, it just shattered my world. It brought so much pain and so many problems into my life. And after a while after I had, you know, got fallen into pornography as like my way of coping. I had had a lot of relationship struggles and dealt with emotional problems, like anger, anxiety, depression, loneliness. I realized I I'm broken, I need some help. And so I looked around for some resource some guidance on how to navigate the pain and the problems that was very real in my life. And I was shocked to find that there was nothing practical for young people like me. And part of the reason it shocked me was because I looked around and I saw how my siblings were struggling. I saw how friends of mine, close friends of mine who were going through their parents divorce were struggling. And so it just baffled me that there was nothing out there for young people who came from broken families. And so years later, after going to Franciscan University and growing a business, I decided to start this ministry. And uh you know, like you said, we help young people, teenagers and young adults from broken families to heal and grow so they can feel whole again and thrive. And the the problem is if, if we're not giving guidance on how to navigate the pain and problems from our parents' divorce, we're just going to continue to struggle in numerous ways. And for so many of us, the sad reality is we end up repeating what we saw in our own family. We would end up repeating that dysfunction. We end up repeating those broken relationships and broken marriages. And so if we want to prevent that from happening, which I know I do with all my heart and I want to help other people. We need to heal, we need to grow, we need to be given strategies to navigate these pain and the problems. Well, that's why I think what you put together is really such a helpful guide. I, I recommend people getting it. I'm sure they can get it at Restore Ministry. Uh But where else, where else can they get this book? Because I'll, I'll finish this interview and forget to ask you. No, no, you're totally fine. So if they wanna buy it, um they can go to Amazon and just search, it's not your fault. Um If they wanna put Joey in there, they can. But the first result should be our book. It's not your fault. Uh If they want the first chapters free, we're giving those away for free at restored ministry dot com slash books. Again. Restored ministry ministry singular dot com slash books. They could just click on the, the button there that says get free chapters and then we'll email them, uh, the free chapters. Well, you know, I think really when, when you read this book, you hear not only your story but you hear numerous other stories. It really just goes to show you how evil divorce is and really how selfish it is. Now, granted, there's people who get divorced because there's abuse issues. Absolutely right. We're not saying people should stay in an abusive marriage. But if you get married, it is for advert to quote sandlot. It isn't, you know, until we're tired of it and we wanted to do something else. And there's nothing that irritates me more than when somebody says, well, you know, we just kind of fell out of love. Well, look, you weren't abducted by aliens. Love is a choice. Right. Love is an act of the will. And I've been married for over 30 years, I'm sure my wife has been ready to bing me over the head many a time. But you know what, our marriage is stronger because we battled through the instead of being quitters and giving up like this culture tells you to do. Absolutely. And I think that's the true test of marriage. I'm 3.5 years into my own marriage. We have one baby girl at this point and it's certainly been challenging and I, I know people who come from broken families, typically, statistically, we struggle more in our relationships. But I have to say it's so beautiful and it's so good and it's so possible to work through a lot of the problems that you face and to build something really, really beautiful and it's always a work in progress. But uh I think it is possible to, to build love that lasts and that's the message that so many of us need to hear. And when it comes to divorce, like you said, there's certainly situations where uh a legal separation is necessary in order to protect the spouse or the Children. That's one of the first things that comes to mind. And in fact, I, I know the people listening right now are thinking of that like, well, what about abuse? What about violence and all that? And like you said, the church that both the catechism and canon law, it's very clear that if you're in that situation get to safety, that's really, it should be a no brainer. Um But we need to say that because a lot of people I think, um think that we're saying no, stay in an abusive situation. That's not what we're saying. But one of the leading researchers deacon on this topic of divorce says that about 70% of marriages that end in divorce are low conflict, divorces, meaning the spouses had problems not to minimize their problems at all. But it wasn't abuse, it wasn't violence, it wasn't the threat of death in those cases. Essentially, they just decided that we don't want to keep trying. Now, in about 30% of cases, this one researcher says that that's those cases where a separation would be helpful to protect the spouse and the Children. Now, even in those cases, canon law says the goal is always to reunite the spouses and to heal the marriage. So for example, I know someone who's going through this right now, the husband is an alcoholic, he's abusive, bad situation. She had to separate, she had to take the kids and get out of there. She filed for a legal separation to protect the kids, but she has no intention of not staying true to her wedding vows. And so she's staying true to her wedding vows even though her husband might not be. And, uh, and that's such a heartbreaking and difficult situation, but she is heroic for what she's doing. And so we really need to support those people going through that. And instead of just telling them, we'll just get divorced and move on, move on with your life. We need to really help them to heal the marriage if it's possible. Well, I think that's, you know, this book should be required reading for anybody who goes in and says I want a divorce, right? If you have Children, they should have to read this book because they need to understand potential. Not, not, we're not gonna paint with a broad brush. Everybody doesn't have all these things, but we are going to inflict this in all likelihood on our Children that is attempted suicide, struggle, romantic relationships, getting divorced, right? Struggling with school, acts act out in violence, not having Children, not getting married, dropping out. I mean, I just went through a quick list and you have a, a more comprehensive list. This, this is something people need to know. Look when we do something. So there's going to be a reaction to it and to think that we're gonna lift a vacuum and that we're just gonna go off and find another mate and everybody's gonna live happily ever after is a fantasy one. It is absolutely a fantasy. And honestly they can, I, I think most parents, if they actually knew how damaging that the divorce and separation could be to their Children. I, I don't think they would go down that route. I think so often. They have no idea. And there's this myth that if divorce is better for the parents, it's better for the Children too. And there was a researcher at the University of California at Berkeley, you know, not exactly a conservative stronghold, but they studied this problem of divorce for over 25 years and they published their findings in a great book called The Unexpected uh uh yeah. The Unexpected legacy of divorce. The unexpected legacy of divorce is the book. And what she found is that no divorce absolutely is devastating and damaging to the Children. In fact, going into the research, excuse me, going into the research, she expected to find that divorce had a minimal effect on the Children and that if it even did have a bigger effect, that effect would be short lived and, you know, uh temporary. And so what she found through the research is that that's absolutely not true. In fact, she said that that the effects from divorce are life altering and they last a lifetime and they're often injured in silence, which is part of the reason why I think parents aren't aware of this one, I think as a culture. We've just normalized divorce but two um they, no one talks about it. And so I'm glad we're talking about it on the show. Um We, you know, have a podcast where we bring people on to the show to share their stories about how their parents divorce has affected them. And it's never done one thing. I want to clarify to everyone listening. It's never done to hate our parents. I don't hate my parents. I love my parents. I ask my guests, do you hate your parents? They always say no, they love their parents. But in order to kind of work through this and to heal and to grow and to hopefully strengthen our relationship with our parents, we have to face these hard truths, these uncomfortable truths that we were damaged by people who love us. And so again, if parents knew how devastating this could be for their Children, I don't think they would go down that route. And that researcher from the University of California Berkeley, she proved that. She says that parents like to believe that if they are unhappy in their marriage, the Children will also be unhappy. Conversely, if divorce is better for them, it will be better for the Children. But she says things don't work that way. You know, Children frequently do not share their parents concerned with the problematic marriage while divorce brings pain into their lives that until now has gone unrecognized. And she says that we are allowing the Children to bear the psychological, economic and moral brunt of divorce. Yeah. I mean, it, it, it's, you know, you can look at study after study what broken families do do. Right. Especially to, especially to Children, whether it's the pregnancy rate, the crime, you know, being incarcerated, it just goes on and on and it's just so sad and I think, you know, and I've told my kids this, um, look, you're gonna marry somebody who comes from a divorced family. I'm not saying you don't ever do it, but you better work out really hard before you say I do. How have they coped with it? Can they get the help? I mean, make sure that you're marrying somebody who understands really the trauma that they've gone through and they're dealing with it in a realistic way because as you mentioned in your book, the high, the, the likelihood of being divorced after coming from a divorced family is, is significantly higher. It is. Yeah. And some estimates are 2-3 times higher than a normal person, which is already high, especially in the United States, which is terrifying and I love what you said and, and that's why this conversation isn't just relevant to parents who have been divorced and have seen how their kids have been affected by it. It's not just relevant to the kids themselves who have gone through it, but also like you said, any future spouses maybe you're dating someone right now or engaged or married to someone who comes from a broken home. And this, having insight into this problem into this trauma, which we need to call it a trauma. It's very much so a trauma, having insight into it will help you to love them better. It will help strengthen your relationship. It will help you to encourage them to heal their Brokenness. Because deacon, one of the things that I've learned in marriage is that I am the lid on my marriage. My marriage will only be as healthy, happy and holy as I am individually and my spouse as well. But if I'm broken, if I'm struggling, then my marriage is going to be broken and struggling too. Our relationships tend to reflect our personal personal condition. And so if we want great marriages, but I think we all do. We want great relationships, meaningful, driving intimate relationships, we got to do that hard work of digging into our Brokenness. And so often what I see is, people aren't even aware of how broken they are and they certainly don't connect the dots between the, the Brokenness, what they struggle with today to the breakdown of their parents', marriage and their family. And I can tell you with 100% certainty, there is an intimate connection. And once you go into that, whether that's through counseling or through some sort of a community or even just on your own, through prayer and through reflection and just hearing good content on the topic. Unless you go into that, uh, we're not gonna grow, we're not gonna heal, we're not gonna move forward and, and we're really gonna struggle to have those relationships, those marriages that we all of us long for. Well, and in the end, right, as spouses, we're supposed to be helping each other get to heaven and modeling that and helping our Children get there as well. We don't model it when we cut and run the first time things get difficult. We don't model a marriage with Christ at the center when it's all about me, myself and I are my three favorite people that just leads to a path of destruction. So it really is. I think this book is a great reminder to us about, you know, what we need to do. But you talk about the spiritual aspects of it too and the importance of having a good faith life, a good spiritual life. Can you talk about that a little bit? Yeah. Absolutely. I, I think on a human level we can heal a lot. The world of psychology has a lot of great things to offer us, the self help, self help and that world has some good things to offer. I think God gave them a lot of gave us a lot of those things. Some of them get a little bit weird. So be careful. But, um, but I think there's a lot of good things on a human level, but ultimately, we're gonna hit a ceiling. We're only gonna be able to go so far on a human level. And so we really need God's grace in our lives. We need God's life in our souls and he could heal us in ways that we can never heal ourselves. And so often what I see, it's young people who come from broken families, they're so often opposed to a relationship with God because of really what they went through in their family. Um One way to think of it is this way when we're Children, the most powerful creatures that we know are our parents. And so we tend to think well, if they're like this, then God must be like this too. And so we project, you know, their image onto God. And so we can have this extra distorted image of God, which we need to work through. We need to first, you know, identify, become aware of, ok, God's not gonna be like my dad who just upped and left with another woman one day. But like on a subconscious level, so many of us are dealing with that. And it's a serious barrier in having an intimate, deep relationship with God. And again, a lot of people aren't even aware of that. So we have to, we have to first recognize what those issues are and then try to seek the truth whether that's through the sacraments through scripture, through the lives and the writing of the saints. But we really do need that intimate relationship with God. And so one of the things I would encourage anyone listening, who especially comes from a broken family, talk to God about the struggles. You've been through like one of the things I've done at through years of prayer and spiritual direction is I've had to ask God like God, where were you in the midst of all this Brokenness and drama and tension in my family? Like where were you? Because honestly, I felt like he just abandoned me. I felt like he was just sitting on the sidelines of watching me get my teeth kicked in because I was struggling in so many ways with the breakdown of my family. And so what I learned after, you know, years of just wrestling with this and prayer is that he wasn't just there sitting on the sidelines watching me suffer. He was right there with me in the midst of it. And so I learned that, you know, sometimes God's only response to our pain is his presence. I learned that from Father Mike Schmidt. And I think it's so true. And so we really need to go back into those memories into that trauma and see like God, where were you, where were you? And if you feel anger towards God, I think that's understandable. Um But, but don't make that uh allow you to run from him, like, draw close to him, take that anger to him, talk through it with him. And for me and a lot of the people that we work with through restored, uh, it's so fruitful when you actually do that, it's not a one and done conversation, but it's something that you can go back to again and again, I think for a lot of Catholics especially, we kind of put on this pious face of, well, I just need to kneel straight and keep my hands folded and, you know, I just need to obey and I think that there's something really good about that and beautiful, but we really need to go into those difficult parts of our lives and into our hearts and bring that stuff to God because he sees it anyway. He knows what we're feeling. He knows what we're thinking. We might as well just give him something that he doesn't have, uh which is our hearts because so often we just hold back. Um because of the pain and suffering in our lives, which, you know, deacon as, you know, what the biggest barrier to face is that problem of pain. And so we really need to bring that to him and talk through it with him and a good spiritual director. Yeah, I mean, the church does talk a lot about redemptive suffering and so we do need to look at that those suffering is, is wasted right in, it's all about the cross that we've been given to draw closer to Christ. The reminder is when we hide it, when we try to deny it, then we're playing right into the hands and the lies of the evil one who says, don't shine light on this, right? You're the only one going through this, you're just gonna have to suffer. And I think this book kind of shines the light. I mean, people need to hear that they're not the only ones going through this. And that's a lot of times what we think when we come into a struggle that we're the only ones and no one will understand. That's why to go to your website to read your book, to read Leila Miller's book. These things will shed light on you're not alone. And I think that might be one of the most important messages people need to hear. Absolutely. I recently interviewed a guest on our podcast and it brought her to tears to, to hear that she's not alone and there's nothing wrong with her for feeling the way that she does about her parents', divorce and the breakdown of their family. So often, you know, when we feel rejected or not enough or abandoned by our parents, we tend to think something's wrong with us, especially because well intentioned people will come up to us and say, well, it's for the best. Everyone's happier, you know, like now you have twice as many Christmas gifts and two homes. And, you know, they try to make this into a really good thing. And, uh, again, I think they're well intentioned in saying that, but it's actually really harmful. And so it's really free, like you said to hear, you're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way that you do. Uh, Victor Frankel, the Austrian psychiatrist who wrote a, you know, man search for meaning an incredible book. He said that an abnormal response to an abnormal situation is normal. Meaning, you know, if you feel broken and hurt by the breakdown of your family, there's nothing wrong with you. It's your, in fact, your your mind, your body is, is reacting properly uh to a very traumatic event in your life. And so anyone listening out there who's been through this, just know that you're not alone, this is not your fault. There's nothing you did to cause it, there's nothing you could have done sadly to prevent it from happening. And you know, as much as you might want to, uh you can't fix your parents' marriage. That's something they have to do on their own. You can certainly try to influence them in positive ways and just be a good example to how you would hope they would live their lives, but you can't do it for them. They have to take ownership of that. And so hearing, hearing that you're not alone, hearing that it's not your fault hearing that. There's nothing strange with you for feeling that way, I think is really helpful. And if, if you want to hear more um encouragement like that, our podcast is a great place. It's called Restored, Helping Children of Divorce. Wherever you listen to podcasts, you can find it again, that's restored, helping Children of divorce. And that interview that I mentioned with that uh young woman, it, it was really free for her to hear that and I hope it would be for you too. Yeah. No, I strongly encourage people to go on your website, listen to the podcast. I've done that and, you know, I've been fortunate, I haven't come from that environment, but you can. But I think even if you haven't listening to it, you'll feel the pain that people have and you'll be able to address it in a way which is more helpful. Unlike what you're saying, let's just throw material things at it and say that fixes it. I think the other thing that your book does a really good job on and we only have a couple minutes. I can't believe it is setting up proper boundaries, right? You are not your parents counsel, you are not their confidant that you need to be able to set boundaries so that you can heal as opposed to carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Right. Absolutely. And, uh for so many of us who really love our parents and who wanna help them. We can fall into these traps that honestly they can, they, they look like we're loving and helping our parents such as becoming their confidant, but we don't have time to get into the research. But what the research shows is that if you as a child act almost as a spouse to your parent, it's so damaging, not only for you but also for them and your relationship eventually, even though it might feel like in the moment that you're helping them eventually, it's going to create very unhealthy dynamics, unhealthy dependencies that should not be there. And so if you're a child and your mom and your dad is leaning on you in that way, what I suggest and what, what we've seen work in the lives of young people is try to redirect them to the proper support. Maybe that's a counselor, a pastor, a friend, you know, a relative, someone like that. And so what something you can say to your mom and your dad, you could say mom, dad, you know, I love you. I see that you're hurting. I see this is really difficult for you. But, but I can't be the one to support you in this way. Like I, I wanna love you, but it's gonna have to be in another way like who can you talk to about all of this stuff? And it might be kind of off putting when you tell your parents that but like Deacon said, we need those healthy boundaries in place in order to ultimately have a better healthier relationship with mom or dad. So that's one struggle, another struggle is bad mouthing. So many parents, they're hurt by their spouse and so they drag the kids into it. They kind of force the kids to pick sides. They say really nasty things about the other parent. And so any parents listening right now, please stop that. Uh I get that you're hurt and I can't imagine what you're going through. It must be so difficult, but that's not, that's gonna damage your kids even more. And I know you don't want to do that. I know all your parents listening would take a bullet for your kids. And so the badmouthing I, I get that you might need to vent, go talk to a friend and go talk to a counselor, go talk to a relative, someone else but not your kids that can be so damaging for them. And then finally, one of the other most common things that we've seen and this goes for parents as well as kids is the middle man. So so often as kids are put in the middle between our parents because maybe our parents aren't on speaking terms and that can just be so stressful and damaging. And I've played that role. I've seen my siblings play, play that role. And so parents listening, keep your kids out of it if you can't talk directly to your spouse. Go through another intermediary through your lawyer. Through again, a relative, a friend counselor, whoever big thanks to Respect Life Radio for allowing us to rea that interview and you can check them out at Respect Life radio dot com. And again, the book that we discussed in the interview is called It's Not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents', divorce. And after reading it, teens and young adults will learn how to handle the trauma of their parents, divorce or separation, how to build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pain and problems. They'll learn healing tactics to help them feel whole again, how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God and how to make important decisions about their future. And the content itself is based on research, expert advice and real life stories. So again, if you want to buy the book, you can go to restored ministry dot com slash books, we're also giving away the first chapters for free. So if you go to restored ministry dot com slash books or just click on the link in the show notes, you can either buy it or get the first chapters for free. Right? This episode is a wrap. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
#092: Is Divorce Good or Bad for Children? | Katy Faust
Is divorce good or bad for children? There’s tons of confusion around that question. In this episode, speaker and author Katy Faust offers answers with clarity and tons of research.
Is divorce good or bad for children? There’s tons of confusion around that question. In this episode, speaker and author Katy Faust offers answers with clarity and tons of research. She also touches on:
How does divorce affect the children?
Is divorce really worse than the death of a parent?
What do children need that marriage provides?
How do you navigate speaking about your parents in a respectful yet honest way?
What’s your advice to parents considering divorce?
Buy Katy’s book: Them Before Us: Why We Need a Global Children's Rights Movement
Links & Resources
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Katy Faust
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Is divorce good or bad for Children? There's tons of confusion around that question. But thankfully in this episode, speaker and author Katie Foss offers answers with clarity and tons of research to that question. She also answers. How did divorce become so prevalent? It's divorce really worse than the death of a parent. Really interesting discussion and research around that. What do Children need that marriage provides as a child? How do you navigate? Speaking about your parents in a respectful yet honest way and what's your advice to parents considering divorce? Tons of great content, had a lot of research. So keep listening. Welcome to the resort podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents, divorce, separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Julie Pontarelli. This is episode 92. As I mentioned, my guest today is Katie Faus. Katie is the founder and president of them before us, a global movement defending children's right to their mother and father. She publishes, speaks and testifies widely on why marriage and family are matters of justice for Children. Her articles have appeared in Newsweek USA today, the Federalist Public discourse, the Daily Signal, the Washington examiner, the American Mind and the American Conservative Katie helped design the teen edition of Kenya Vox which studies sex, marriage and relationships from a natural law perspective. She is the author of the book. Then before us, why We need a global children's rights movement. She and her husband are raising their four Children in Seattle. So without waiting any longer, here's my conversation with Katie Katie. It's so good to have you on the show. I've wanted this for a while. So thank you for making time to join us. Well, on our little free chat here, I just realized that I've been a fan of yours for, I probably saw you like, right when you first launched because once you started talking like, wait a second, I've been on that website. So it's a joy to be with you. Thank you so much. Now you're the bigger deal and we're big fans. So thank you for the work that you're doing and I'm so excited to learn from you. I'd like to start with your story if that's okay. Like so many of us listening, even your trauma in your life, including your parents, divorce. What happened there and how did it affect you? First of all, I'm so glad that you understand that divorce is traumatic. You know, the narrative that our culture tells about divorce and really all forms of modern family is the kids will be fine. The kids will be happy if the adults are happy. And the reality is, as you know, the research shows that this is a deeply traumatic life altering event for kids and not only is it a one time event, it usually leads to multiple losses and transitions and other forms of trauma and, and lost. So you're just, you're framing is exactly right. And I'm so grateful that teens and young adults are coming to get validation from you because literally there's just hardly any sources in the world that will even tell kids that. Yeah, you are wrong to feel hurt about this. So, my parents were married until I was 10. I was clueless. I had no idea there was anything wrong and it was just, you know, some kids know and some kids don't and I was just absolutely oblivious and our parents sat down, um, and told me one night that they were getting a divorce and I was devastated. My world was absolutely rocked. Um, I ended up having like physical symptoms the first year afterwards of bizarre stomach pains that would like just, just come out of nowhere and debilitate me in the middle of a play date. And I remember my, my dad having to like, carry me places because I couldn't walk, you know, and I remember this one time where I was sitting in class ready to do like a, like a test and the teacher said, okay, pick up your pencils okay and go And then like, five seconds later, pencils down, it's time to stop. And I was like, what? And like 20 minutes had gone by and I hadn't even realized that, you know what I mean? Like, I just was so lost in the sadness and the upheaval of my life and this new reality. So my and I was petrified because the only kind of divorces that I had ever seen were the kind of divorces where the dad moves away, or the kid sees their dad once a month or only on the weekends. And my dad and I were really close, my mom and I were really close and so I was just so afraid that I was gonna lose, especially my dad, you know, so long story, they actually had a very amicable divorce and lived very close to one another. I could go see whichever one I wanted whenever I wanted. And so I ended up remaining in pretty close relationship with both of them throughout honestly, through the rest of my life. And for that, I'm very, very grateful. But, you know, the story is always, is not just That one time event of we're now getting divorced, it's really what ends up being nonstop change and instability after that. Right? So my father dated, he had, had a lot of several different girlfriends and then remarried. But very soon after the divorce, my mom re partnered with a woman and they have been in a relationship together ever since then, since I was 10. And so they've been a really big part of my life with the remaining of my adolescent years and then as a young, married and as a young mother and now as a mother of teenagers, so we, we've got it all going on and my husband's from a divorced home too, but his was not the kind of divorce, like my parents could still be in the same room together and we would sometimes spend holidays together. But for his parents, it was war, you know, and not just war with each other, but they used him against the other parent. So, you know, even though my story sounds somewhat dramatic, he had a more of a conventional, you know, both of his parents remarried heterosexual and it was very, very hard. I mean, his heart, they divorced when he was three and his mother actually was killed suddenly when he was 16. And he would probably say that the divorce was more traumatic than his mother's death. So we are definitely in that camp of people who are seeking to parent the family. We wish we had had as kids. We want to be the people who were, you know, especially my husband when we were dating. He would say, are you serious about this relationship? Because my Children will never live through what I've lived through. If we get married, it is forever and I'm, and I mean, he would just have me like, recommit all through our dating and engagement. He's like I am not going to do this unless you are all in because he vowed that his Children wouldn't live through what he lived through. Wow. Incredible. Thank you for sharing and man, yeah, my heart breaks for you and for your husband and I can relate on so many levels. And you know, I know uh in the book, in your book, you mentioned so clearly how there's really no such thing as a good divorce, even if some are less dramatic. And so what we'll get into all that for sure, especially the difference between low conflict and high conflict. That's a really important distinction that you make so clearly in your book. But I wanted to stop for a second on a pain point that our listeners deal with a lot and that is talking about this topic at all. So I'm curious how you as a public figure, talk about this topic, navigate, speaking about your parents in particular in a respectful, yet an honest way because like I said, there's a painful point for our listeners where we want to be honest, truthful about what we've been through that our parents actions and decisions harmed us, but still honor them because we love them. Like we want to respect them, we want the best for them. So how do you navigate that little trip? The ministry trade because when I am not doing children's rights advocacy, I'm deeply involved in church. My husband's a pastor, we do tons of counseling. I do tons of walking with people in difficult situations and you know, the women's ministry world in my life. We've got a little saying that says you don't need to tell everybody everything, but you do need to tell somebody everything. And so somebody needs to hear every little corner of the pain and the confusion and the loss that you've experienced. It's good to do that with a counselor, but it's I would say better to do it with a trusted friend. You've got to let somebody in, right? Because the areas where people don't get to come in those areas very quickly start to control you. So I think that you should tell somebody everything but probably not publicly. So for my situation, it actually is fairly easy for me to speak well of my parents because there's some things that I'm not going to share about them. You know, some aspects of things leading up to their divorce, post divorce. That's just not my information to share. So I don't, I can talk honestly about kind of give an overview of how it impacted me the divorce. But the reality is I don't share their dirt. I just don't, but I can absolutely share the things that they did. Well, like both of them remained very connected to me. Very intentional. They were, they did their best to live at peace with one another. And I will also say this, that as they re partnered and remarried, neither of them, they did a very good job of making clear that their new partners were not my parent, right? I had a mother and a father. Neither of their new partners or, or spouses ever tried to replace or step into the role of my mom and dad, which I thought was very smart. So I think that, that my parents, you know, obviously it was the undoing of the home that I loved, you know, and wanted every child wants their mom and dad to love them and love each other. That's, I mean, like, I've never heard it more simply than that. I'll tell you what every kid wants. They want their mom and dad to love them and they want their mom and dad to love each other. That's it. And if they're not loving each other, right. That's a, that's a sort of a death for the child in some ways. But even if they weren't loving each other, at least they continued loving me and I still had a full relationship with both of them. Beautiful. Thanks for that advice. That is helpful. And are you familiar with the podcast? The place we find ourselves? It's a great podcast. Yeah, it's a great podcast. He's a therapist out in Colorado and he really makes healing simple, which I love. And so he talks about trauma and how you heal from. And one of the things he teaches is that neurobiologists have found that um one measure of brain health is neural connectivity. So for everyone listening, if you imagine your brain is like a web of connections, the more connections you have, the healthier, your brain, the healthier you are as a person. And he says that the act of reflecting on your story in a constructive way. Um And in addition to that, telling your story to someone who can receive in an empathetic way, actually heals your brain because it increases connectivity, thereby making you healthier more whole. And so I think that advice is fantastic and we're big proponents of that as well. So I love that I want to shift gears to your book if that's okay. So in the chapter on divorce, the main point you really make throughout that whole chapter is that divorce is traumatic and it's bad for Children like we said at the top of the show and you prove it so clearly. So I'd like to get into some of that proof. But before we do, I want to give you the chance to elaborate a little bit more on what you just said, which is, you know, what is it that marriage provides for Children that they need so badly? You mentioned it already. But I want to give you a chance to go and if you don't mind. I'll back up a couple more steps and just say what I do if that's okay. So, back when the whole marriage debate was raging, um, in 2012 kind of first came on my radar. Um, what I heard people saying, you know, in, in an effort to advance gay marriage is kids don't care if they have two moms or two dads. And what that means is kids don't care if they've lost their mom or dad. Because every time you're looking at a picture of a kid with two dads, you're looking at a kid with no mom. Every time you're looking at a picture of kids with moms, you're looking at a picture of a child who has lost their father. And you know, we've been doing youth ministry and I have a background in adoption work. And I think there's very few things kids care more about than being loved and known by their mom and dad. And so to me, it was just this huge, it was like the weaponization of child pain to advance a political agenda. And I totally couldn't handle it. It like it enraged me. And so it got me into writing about the importance of mothers and fathers. And then because I realized that the whole marriage debate around gay marriage especially obsessively focused on what adults want. But then the more that I did like research and on all of this, I realized everything that has to do with marriage and family is always focused on obsessively on what the adults want, whether you're talking about like reproductive technologies, it's so focused on the pain and the longing of people with infertility, you know, or people with same sex attraction that want to have a child or cohabitation or polygamy or like all of these different topics, everything we hear about, it always has to do with elevating adult feeling, desire, longing, identity above the well being of kids. And you can see that plainly in the conversation around divorce. It is always about what the adults want, what's going to meet their needs. It's their suffering, it's their longing, it's their new romance, it's their unfulfilled part that always takes center stage and the kids just have to stick it and it makes me so angry. You know, I'm like all of us. I am surrounded by kids who are, who have just been told their parents are divorcing, who have been in this process for a year or two, who are 10 or 20 years out of it and it very often leads leaves a lifelong wound. So my I started a nonprofit in 2018 in essence saying that Children have a right to their mother and father and every question about marriage and family, whether it's the definition of marriage, how we think about divorce, same sex, parenting, sperm donation, egg donation, surrogacy, adoption, polygamy. Every conversation we have about marriage and family in essence boils down to matters of justice for Children. And that is, are you protecting children's right to their mother and father or are you violating children's rights to their mother and father? So we wrote a book about that. We, me and my co author Stacey that goes through each of those topics. Chapter one is just all about why Children do have a natural right to their mother and father. And it's not a stretch, it's a pretty well established, nearly universally agreed upon principle. Chapter two is all about why biology matters in the parent child relationship. And this is pretty relevant probably to your audience because they have experienced the dissolution of their parents', marriage of their two biological parents. And then very often they have begun to be parented by somebody who was unrelated to them in a handful of redemptive cases that has gone well because that unrelated adult is genuinely seeking to step into the child's life in a way that is redemptive, but in the majority of cases that has not increased child well being. And that's because research shows that unrelated adults are less protective, less connected, less invested in Children than their own mother and father. In. Chapter three, we talk about why gender matters in the parent child relationship, why moms and dads offer distinct and complementary benefits. And then we talk about why marriage is a matter of justice for Children because it is the only institution that unites the two people to whom Children have a natural, right? So it's on that foundation that we then talk about divorce. And so we go right into divorce right after that, right? Because if you're talking about the legal movement to destroy the family that didn't begin with same sex marriage that began with no fault, divorce, no fault. Divorce was the original redefinition of marriage. That is when we started to transform what used to be the most child friendly institution the world has ever known marriage into just another vehicle of adult fulfillment. So that's, that's sort of like leading up to divorce and like kind of the foundation needed to know before we address divorce, let's say with no fault, divorce for a second. How did that come about? Because you say in the book that divorce was once a rarity, it wasn't a very common thing but that all changed with no fault divorce like you just mentioned. So what is no fault, divorce versus at fault divorce? And how did that all come about? Most places, most laws, civil and religious have recognized that there are times when a marriage might need to dissolve, you know, biblically, there was exceptions for adultery or that was a justifiable reason to end a marriage. In terms of our civil law, we have largely regarded the three A's adultery abuse, abandonment, right? That if you were guilty of breaking your marriage vow to have and to hold in richer for poorer sickness and health till death. Do you part? Right? That's your vow. And if you violated the vow because you were abusive because there was adultery or because you abandoned the family or your spouse, society and civil government would punish you. Right? And so what that did is this at fault divorce standard actually pressured the couple to keep their marriage together because what would happen if dad ran off with the secretary? Well, first of all the courts wouldn't give him 50% custody in the house and society would look down on him and say you are, that is a home wrecking floozy. You need to go back to your wife and kids. How dare you do this to them? Right. So that's sort of the at fault model where somebody is deemed at fault for breaking up the marriage. Well, the problem was in the late sixties, especially you had people that were simply unhappy in their marriages and they wanted a divorce. But because no fault, divorce, divorce was not an option, they would then have to sort of lie and say, well, James had an affair and that's why we're getting a divorce, but James really hadn't had an affair. They just both wanted out of the marriage. And so we began with no fault, divorce going well, this is so mean adults have to lie and say they did something that they didn't do. Let's create something called no fault, divorce where you can get out of the marriage when nobody is at fault of abuse, adultery, abandonment. And so that's more humane, right? And actually Ronald Reagan was the first governor to legalize this in California in 1969 because he himself had to go through a situation where they got a at Fault divorce when nobody was at Fault because he wanted out of one of his marriages. So what that led to was an absolute explosion of divorces and no fault, divorce very quickly became divorce against your will, right? Instead of it both parties knowing, you know what? I just don't think this is working for us. No fault. Divorce meant that almost always there was an innocent party or somebody that was desperately trying to make the marriage work and hold the family together and be a responsible parent and one party that just wanted out and simply wasn't willing to do the hard thing on behalf of the family and the kids. But the no fault divorce model Required that both spouses be treated equally. There was no favor given to the innocent spouse or the faithful spouse. The judge was required to split things 5050 or award 50% custody or split the assets down even though very often there was one spouse who was misbehaving or not adhering to their vows. So Reagan later went on and said that was the biggest mistake of his political career was legalizing no fault, divorce because it had such a devastating impact all across the country. Wow. Fascinating in that background. No. Reading your book. That was, I was learning that for the first time even with this work that I do. So, it was so insightful and helpful. And I think one of the things I've heard, a lot of people say when, when this topic comes up with no fault, divorce is that, you know, they say without no fault, divorce, spouses, especially women will be stuck in abusive marriages. What's your response? It is true that it is sometimes hard to prove abuse. My concern with that argument is if there is abuse going on and you get divorced through no fault system, there's no way to keep the child from the abusive parent. There's really abuse going on. It must be proved they lose custody because to me it's not enough to say, well, he's abusive, he's unstable. I'm going to get a no fault divorce and get out of this. When the kids still going to have to deal with that, they're just not going to have the buffer of the same responsible parent. So there are some cases where I know where some women have left abusive marriages through no fault, divorce. I would rather have it be an at fault divorce and we punish the guy, punish him if there is real abuse going on, he needs to be punished and he needs to be put in prison. So I do think that sometimes very often whether it's so called emotional abuse or some other kind of physical abuse, oftentimes that abuse is a veil for, I just want to get out of here, but I don't want to look like morally responsible, especially the emotional abuse. You know, I'm like, look, I've been around the block enough time. I have counseled people and struggling marriages. I know that some of those people say this is emotional abuse. And I'm like, you know, it's not, it's a legitimate disagreement or it's a personality difference or it's a, you're actually asking for something destructive and unreasonable. And he is saying, no, that's not emotional abuse. That's somebody willing to go along with what you're saying. So I do agree that there are some times where people use no fault, divorce to get out of a marriage that they should leave or at least a separation. But very often those claims of abuse are not what they, what they seen. And legally, I would rather have the abuse be proved so the guy can go to jail. Yeah. No, it makes so much sense how that would end up being better for the Children especially. And on that topic, I love how you bring in the research on this, the difference between low conflict and high conflict, divorce. I think this is really important to understand because I think a lot of people perhaps assume that the majority of divorces are high conflict situation where there's abuse, there's a threat of death, there's violence, there's, you know, a lot of overt problems and drama at home, but that's not the case. Talk about that. I think that, you know what we see from a lot of media. I think the perception we have is that divorce takes place in these extreme cases, right, where it's a serial cheater or there's abuse going on. And the reality is 70% of divorces break up low conflict marriages, right? The majority of divorces that take place today are not these extreme cases. The majority of them are people who have fallen out of love or who are unwilling to do the hard work. And to be clear, it is hard work. It is hard if you're in a marriage where there's job loss or financial challenges or porn addiction or emotional affairs going on or unpacking childhood baggage. I mean, the reality is you make the vow because it is hard. And the reality is that most divorces take place because somebody is unwilling to do the hard work. And what we say in the book and what we say in our ministry, in our in our organization is it is hard, like keeping a marriage together is difficult. But if the adults are unwilling to do the hard work in those low conflict marriages, what they are saying is this cross is too heavy for me here, kids, you take it instead, it is simply a transference of the hard work. That's so true. And I see that day in day out and the young people that we serve, that we mentor. It's, it's such a transference and you know, there's so many painful stories even in your book. You know, I hear this stuff all the time. Kitty but reading that chapter and divorce in your book, I had to like take some breaks and be like, this is so sad how much these Children suffer so oft in silence because no one's speaking for them. So I'm grateful that you are since you're such a so knowledgeable on statistics. I was wondering about the divorce rate. That's something that comes up a lot. What is the divorce rate currently? And are there any challenges to getting those statistics these days? Because I know there's been some changes in the way that we collect? Well, first of all, let me just say that I had done a lot of research on same sex parenting and I had really been in the reproductive technology world before I wrote the book. And divorce was probably the area where I was the least familiar with the research and it was the divorce chapter that I had to step away from a couple of times. It was the divorce chapter that I was like, and it's not like it's not like I don't have my own personal experience it's not like it's unfamiliar to me in terms of the lives of people around me. But I guess the research showed me the reality of what I had been seeing for a while. You know, the one statistic that really got me, That I was like that I've seen so many times is shows that in 50% of divorce cases, 50% of the kids who are living in two different homes because their parents divorced, 50% of them develop different personalities, right? They literally become a different person from their mother's house to their father's house because they have different religions. Mom and dad now have different political views. There's different secrets that kids have to keep at each house. There's people in their lives and very often they feel so close to the people at their mom's house and their dad's house, but the two people in those two worlds barely know the other one exists. And so they literally transform themselves into a different person between the drive from mom's house to dad's house. And that was when I just had to stop for a while because I saw that as a kid. I see it now in the lives of kids around me who are in a situation of divorce and it is an absolute cruelty. It's such a cruelty and the fact that we have allowed this to go on virtually unchallenged and unchecked for decades that we have wrecked a generation of kids over this and we never talk about it. It just, I'm generally a very nice person but you talk about these kinds of things and it enrages me because the harm to Children is so strong and so long lasting. So divorce, we did see a peak in terms of divorce rates. We have seen divorce drop in the last couple of decades, but it's not good news. The reason the divorce rate has dropped is because marriage rates have dropped and so fewer people are getting married. Therefore fewer people are getting divorced and fewer people getting married is bad because that means kids aren't being raised in marriages for the first few years of their life before their parents break up. They're being raised in cohabiting relationships before their parents break up. And Children in cohabiting households fair dramatically worse than kids raised in married households. So there's very little positive on the home front when it comes to marriage and divorce rates right now. Okay. Now, that makes so much sense and it is sad. I, yeah, there's so much to say here. One of the statistics that really stood out to me going back to what you said in the, in your book was about Children of divorce than repeating that cycle in their own lives. And I'll just read the snip if that's okay. It goes like this Children of divorce whose parents never remarried are 45% more likely to divorce and those whose parents whose divorced parents married, step parents were 91% more likely to divorce compared with adults raised an intact biological families. That blew me away. Any comments. I think it also blows me away. Right. You would think that a kid who watches their mom and dad divorce and then their mom remarries that they would go okay. Look, marriage is still worth doing marriage. You know, we can do this, but that's ultimately not what they conclude. If your parents divorce, it is going to set you back in terms of going. I don't know if like real love is even possible. But if you see one of your parents remarry, something about that literally makes it more likely that the child will say I can never, I can never get married myself. I should never get married myself. Is it because there is less connectedness investment in the step family situation? Is it because they feel like so much more of an outsider? Is it because marriage now leaves the impression that they'll never get what they really want, which is their own mom and dad getting back together again? I don't know. I can't explain that statistic, but it's not really an argument that you can make from the data if you are a parent who has divorced and you hope and you, and, and it was against your will and you love the institution of marriage and you believe that marriages are wonderful and good. You should probably stay single. You should probably not get remarried because somehow that damages your child's own opinion of the institution of marriage in a way that your divorce didn't. Yeah. And it's a very unpopular thing to say, but there's so much truth in it and it's true. Love requires sacrifice. This whole idea that the purpose of marriage is happiness is just so false and we need to speak out against it whenever we can. Doesn't mean that happiness isn't a part of marriage. It's a good thing to experience joy within marriage. It's not gonna be a fairy tale. And I think especially people in Michael or my generation, I think we were kind of sold on that idea where even though we saw the, you know, misery of a lot of marriages and divorces and just broken families, we had this hope somewhere inside of us. I know I experienced like that simultaneous like terror and fear. Um And at the same time, just like a desire to build something so much better. Yeah, it became almost an idol to me. It was this, you know, this thing that I wanted to be perfect and be so different. So the opposite of what I saw in my parents' marriage, um that it just became this kind of fantasy that I was trying to build. And then I realized love is messy. You know, marriage is messy. We've been married about five years at this point. And uh I've learned that it's, it's not easy, but there's so much beauty in that. And we all know that the hardest things in life, you know, the best things in life are often hard. And so, you know, ask any Navy Seal, ask any Olympic gold medalist how they got to where they are. They didn't do it by sitting on the couch watching Netflix, like they showed up every day they put in the hard work, especially when they didn't feel like it. What should we expect any less in marriage? Well, and you know, we are almost at 25 years in our marriage. It is beautiful and we were idiots when we got married, we were total idiots. We had never seen a healthy marriage, lived out in our home and we had a few examples as kids that we could, you know, and there was one family in particular in my husband's life who showed him what he deserved and it was formative for him. But once we got married, we needed discipleship in this area of our life. So at the different churches that we went to, we would find a couple that was 10 years ahead of us or 15 years ahead of us who had a great marriage. And we were just like, tell us what to do, tell us how to do this. We gave them permission to show us what we were doing wrong. And there would be women that would, that I gave permission to hold me accountable and she would pull me aside after a conversation and she'd say things like, do you see how you undermined your husband in front of his friend? Don't ever do that again? You know, like I needed somebody to just give me tailored advice about this. So it's totally possible. But a lot of us need that recalibration, right? The recalibration of its impossible, it will never happen. But also the recalibration of it's ideal, this is going to save you, right? So you've got to have and the only way you're going to get that is with wise people who have gone before you who can give you that tailored moment by moment advice. So good, I love it. We want to start this program called The School of Love where we pair up young people who come from broken families with healthy marriages and families. So they could just spend time, go over maybe a couple times a month, have a meal with them, help out with chores around the house just to like soak in like you said, they're example, which just again programs you on a subconscious level and how to love, how to build relationships, how to build because like you said, more than anyone else, we learned how to love and how to build relationships and how to build marriages through our parents example. Again, even on a subconscious level but thankfully that programming can be rewritten, the script can be changed. And uh and we believe in that so deeply. So that's something I'd love to talk to you more about that sometimes. That's something that we will at some point because It's a trend we've seen in this podcast, like in the 90 plus interviews we've done at this point. So many people say, you know, it was so formative, like you said, so healing to spend time with this healthy family, with this married couple that wasn't perfect, but they had a really good, beautiful marriage. And that was the same for me. There were two couples who to this day just have so much love and respect for who gave me hope that love could last that it was possible and even showed me by their example of how to do it myself. So, so helpful. Thanks for that tip and to everyone listening, find those people in your life who you can look up to, you can mentor you. And you'd probably be surprised how willing they are to help you if you just ask, start with building that relationship. But in time you can be more intentional and say, hey, you know, I would go to the to the men in the marriage especially and I'd say, hey, I want a good marriage. You know, I come from a broken family. Would you mind mentoring me and helping me here and there? And they were still willing to give good advice. So great, great tip. I want to go back to the research in the limited time that we have together. So, you know, you've clearly demonstrated in the book shows you've researched this topic extensively. What have you learned about how divorce affects the Children in addition to everything else, we've already touched on how does it not affect the Children would be an easier question to answer. And the reality is that it affects Children on every level of their bodies. There's actually a stat that we give beginning of chapter two that talks about father loss, like they've actually studied father loss and in one of those death, divorce and incarceration where the kids that were surveyed in this study that had lost a father to death devils or incarceration and what they found, especially when that happened early on in life, that those Children had shorter telomeres, that is the end cap of their chromosome. So it literally affected Children on the cellular level and telomeres are responsible for health and longevity, right? Children who grow up daughters who grow up without their dad in their home, absent dad, maybe for divorce, maybe for some other reason, those girls end up beginning their menstrual periods on average a year earlier than other girls, right? There's something about father absence that triggers an early reproductive season. And couple that with the father hunger that Children, girls often go through when they don't have a dad. That is one reason why we see drastically higher rates of teen pregnancy in girls whose fathers are not living with them and connected to them. Physically, Children of divorce are more susceptible to getting like common colds, chronic illnesses, like it literally affects their physical health for the rest of their life. People who already had underlying mental health struggles, sometimes the divorce can lead to extreme mental health disorders. So it can be very serious. We obviously see a greater emotional burden on Children. Like I think most of us expect that there's going to be an emotional toll on the kids, but most people sort of conceptualize it as, oh, it's like a cold, it's, you know, the divorce is like a bad cold, they'll get over it. But that's not really what divorce does to a child's emotional state. Children who have divorced parents just have higher emotional challenges and emotional struggles than their peers who are living continually in one home who have never had to deal with that trauma and that destruction, that disruption, Children struggle in school, right. Divorce. We pulled in some, some surveys of test results, you know, for like the S A T s or the equivalent in the UK and these kids will say the divorce absolutely tanked my test scores, right? Kids really struggled academically and then relational e you know, you pulled out that study that shows that kids whose parents divorced the deck is stacked against them When it comes to forming and maintaining their own healthy relationships. And there's a quote, I mean, probably have 30 stories in the divorce chapter of kids who went through divorce. And there's one woman that said, the one thing that my parents divorce taught me if anybody can leave you any time and you'll never see it coming and there's nothing you can do about it. And if you learn that lesson from divorce, why would you ever try? Why would you ever risk forming your own family and getting married? And I actually think that it is because divorce was so with at epidemic levels, when our current millennials are now considering getting married for them, marriage looks so risky. Shacking up seems so low risk, right? When the reality is, it's the opposite, right? Shacking up having relationships have much higher levels of abuse, more, much higher levels of dissolution. The Children of cohabiting parents are more likely to be abused in the collected, more likely to live in poverty. Marriage is and still, you know, was and still is the safest avenue for especially women and Children. But when you've learned those lessons of your parents', divorce, marriage itself feels risky. So it said it's a no, there's nothing good. I mean, there are a few rare cases where separation or divorce might be necessary for the protection of one of the parties or the kids, but there's no child of divorce, overall, whatever situation that fares as well. Statistically as the child raised by their own married, biological mother and father, I love it. You know, it's so important to know this stuff. And for some reason, the myths out there in our culture just say the absolute opposite. And the point you made earlier about your husband's family and just how his mom was tragically killed, you know, when he was 16, that reminds me of the story you told in the book and the study that you quote, that found that the death of parent inflicts less psychological damage on a child um than a divorce does. And that again flies in the face of what our culture says about divorce, which is Children are resilient or if the divorce is better for the parents, it's better for the Children too. So elaborate on that, especially that study, which is fascinating. We're not saying of course that it, you know, you lose your parents tragic accident that that's not a really, really difficult and traumatic thing to go through. Of course, it is, but it's mind boggling that this would be even more traumatic. So why is that? You know, why is it that it's sometimes more traumatic to have parents who divorced? Well, when my husband's mother died, everybody mourned with him. He was not alone. There was so much validation. Everybody looked back and remembered his mother fondly. He had a lot of people who supported him in his loss. But if you look back at often divorce situations, very few people will validate the child's loss. Much of the messages that Children get are. Oh my goodness. You should be so happy that your parents are happy. You get to have two Christmases. Wow. Look at this incredible man that your mom has found now. In essence, the messages are all like you should support your parents, right? You need to validate and support your parents. You should celebrate what's going on with your parents. And so very often in those divorce situations, the child is alone in their grief, nobody's validating it. If one parent looks back at the other parent, it usually is not with fondness. It's often like, oh that man, right? It's a demonization of the child's parents instead. So that creates a huge psychological burden on the child because the child has, in both of those cases, the child has experienced very real loss and trauma. But in one of those cases, the child is surrounded by a community of people who are mourning and remembering together. And then the other one, the kid is absolutely on their own. And oftentimes the world is telling them the exact opposite of what they need to hear. 100% and what makes trauma so devastating on anyone, but especially young people is essentially what happens in the aftermath of it. You know, if like you said, there's people come around you and love you and walk with you through it. Um You're going to fare much better in life than like you said, if you're abandoned, if you're feel like you're rejected, unwanted, like all these things that happen when your parents get divorced and it's just so sad that um there's not more people out there who are talking about this. I'm so glad that you and your organization exists and I want to shift a little bit to parents listening. We have parents listening right now who are considering a divorce? Like right now they're listening, they're considering a divorce. What's your advice to them? You don't have to read my whole book. Just read chapter five. Don't think your kids are special. They're not. Your kids may, may not know you're considering divorce or maybe they're too afraid to tell you what they think because they desperately want your love. And it's very hard for a kid to be honest with their parents because they're so desperate, right for that. Maybe they can't even form the words. But the reality is somebody is going to do the hard thing in this situation. There's no easy answer here. Whatever you are going through, whatever struggle you're experiencing in your marriage, I will not minimize that. It is hard. I have been in a marriage myself. I have been surrounded by a variety of other marriages. The kind of struggles that married couples go through are very hard, especially in certain seasons, they usually don't last. But man, those seasons when you're in the fire feel like it feels like you've just got to get out. But the reality is either you will do the hard thing of working it through finding the healing, doing the counseling, doing your own self examination, changing your own behavior, changing your expectations or your kids will do hard things. Do not imagine a scenario where nobody does hard things. If you don't, your kids will. And if you do, there's a very good chance that things will be better. In a couple of years, we've got several studies at the end of the chapter that talk about remaining in a marriage even when you want to get out. And the very high rates of improvement and happiness if you can persist. But if you choose the no fault, divorce route, your Children will not have a year or two of struggle, they will have a lifetime of struggle. So you are swapping, doing the hard thing in your own marriage for a couple of years for their lifelong struggle. And that is not the narrative of a just decision making process, a just society or adjust family does not ask the week to sacrifice for the strong, you are the parents. You are the strong, you sacrifice for the week, you sacrifice for your Children because the only alternative is your kids sacrificing for you. And that is the no go zone. I can't agree more and there's more information in the book. If you guys want to pick that up, kid even dives into what researchers have to say about kind of that economy. Like if you're in a difficult situation, what's best for the Children, which I thought was fascinating, Amato and Booth in particular Kitty. I was thinking of. Um, did you want to go through that at all? About a motto? There are cases like those 30% of high conflict marriage cases where the child does experience some relief in the wake of a divorce, right? When there are plates being thrown across the kitchen, when there is extreme volatility, oftentimes the kids do experience relief post divorce. Um so you can work that through and talk that through with trusted counselors and advisers. But we have to dispel this idea but but even the kids that do come out of those high conflict marriages who then divorce. Those kids do not fare as well as the parents who worked it out and were able to stay together, right? So sometimes you have to get out. But this narrative that then the kids are going to be fine. No, those kids don't fare as well as the kids who were persistently raised by their married mom and dad. So like we said like there are cases where divorce may be the best option, but that is not the majority of divorces that are taking place today. Yeah, and I think it's assumed that it's, it's safe to assume in most cases that's not your case that work through every possible scenario. And even if you know, one of the things that we see in this um nonprofit that we run is even if there's a need for a temporary separation, that is a tool or a step toward healing the family, bringing the marriage back together, that might be necessary in some cases. Hopefully, that's not necessary, but it might be. And the goal though, which is the difference than what the culture says is to bring the family and the marriage back together instead of just saying, oh, it didn't work out this time. We'll try with someone else. I totally agree. Marriage isn't for the faint of heart. It's work. And like I said, especially in certain seasons, right? Most of us go through a for worse before we get to a for better. And so hopefully you're embedded in a, in a community that can disciple you correct. You encourage, you offer some relief, give you wise counsel, all of us needed. Yeah. So true. Getting at the end of our time together, what will happen to our culture if we continue down this path of this divorce and dysfunction in our families? And what's the solution? Well, we're already seeing it, Children that just can't function. You know, we are seeing rapid increases in all of the social ills that we supposedly care so much about whether it's teen homelessness or teen suicide or seeing pregnancy, child poverty. I mean, every one of those social ills have something in common and that is there overpopulated with fatherless Children and many of them got fatherless through divorce. This idea that post divorce, you're always going to be getting 50 50 with both parents and seeing them all of the time is an absolute myth for a large portion of Children two years after, you know, I think it's about 40% of kids, two years post divorce, they don't see their, their non custodial parent anymore. Very often. Divorce is what leads to the complete loss of a parent. So we are just not going to be able to fix any of the struggles that we have in society unless we get back to this idea that Children have a natural right to their mother and father lifelong marriage is the only way we give to them, the only way we get to them. And the same sex marriage debate has gotten a lot of attention and rightly so, but it didn't start with same sex marriage. It started with divorce. Divorce was the original legal wrecking ball of the lives of Children. And so one thing we do at them before us is we look for any opportunity we can to fight divorce because it really is a matter of justice for Children. So you guys keep doing what you're doing because these victims need healing. We need the support groups, we need the mentoring. We need people that are helping people resolve the trauma. But we also need advocacy. I am so honestly, I'm so sick of all of these laws on every topic going through the state capitals with nobody, nobody representing the child's perspective. Nobody advocating for. They're right. Nobody's saying, wait a second, the adults might like this but you're gonna shackle Children with lifelong loss. So divorce is a part of that. You know, wherever we can get in on it, we're going to get in on it because it is what has gone on through divorce in the lives of Children is wrecking their lives. It is literally, you know, we talk in the book about how there's three staples of a child, social emotional diet. Three things they need to be nourished on every single day if they are going to arrive at adulthood functional and ready to take on the world. And those three staples our mother's love, father's love and stability. Okay. If you're missing any one of those three things, kids are going to be emotionally malnourished, they're going to be at risk for all those social ills. They're not going to be able to function as well in life. What does divorce do? Takes away half of mom, half of dad and usually stability is totally gone right now. It's only instability as mom or dad re partner, remarry divorce again. Decouple again. Welcome. New half siblings. Welcome. New step slings, lose those siblings through another divorce. Dad moves to another state. Mom moves away. I mean, whatever it is like the stability is just gone for kids of divorce. How do we expect? Why do we expect society to function? Why do we expect to have thriving kids when we are starving our kids and divorce is um is a huge reason why our kids are emotionally malnourished today. I couldn't say it better. And one of the things I see so much is like when you're living a life of vice, you know, bad habits and you have this trauma in your life that hasn't been resolved, it hasn't been healed, hasn't been dealt with. You're going to go on and build broken relationships, dysfunctional relationships, you're gonna have a broken marriage, your family is not going to function in a healthy way. And so often what we've seen and you see these two KT is you're just going to repeat that cycle and that will happen for generations. And so we need to put an end to it. But on the flip side, this is where I think there's so much hope I want to end on this note. Looking at someone like yourself to, if you can build those good habits in your life, if you can heal that trauma, get the professional help that you need, continue to grow in little ways every day, then you're gonna be this healthy, whole person, you're going to go on and build strong relationships, good marriages and you know, healthy families. And that's what I believe is going to transform our culture. But we need both. We need the personal growth side of it. We need the activism, legal side. So I'm so glad you're doing what you're doing. I could never do it, but I'm happy to support you in that work. And however I can, I'm pleased to know that you, you have our support. So thank you so much. And I did want to give you a chance to tell us anything else about them before us, like about your mission and how people can get involved. Well, first, I will say I love this ministry. I'm so grateful you guys exist. I hope that anybody that's listening to this podcast, share with your friends who have gone through a divorce like they need to know they're not crazy. Like that's my biggest concern is that kids have divorced. They think everybody around me thinks that this is awesome. My parents are happy with their new partners or lovers or spouses. My life is wrecked but I just feel like nobody, everyone keeps saying, oh my gosh, you know, your dad's so lucky he found this woman or whatever it is and you are not crazy. You deserve to have a mom and dad who love each other and love you. You are made for that and obviously not obviously, you will experience loss and pain if you're not getting, even if the world doesn't support that you aren't crazy. You are the one that's right for feeling hurt and pain over this. And I will say, you know what you just talked about is repeating the cycle. We often say in my house and at church with our youth group, you become what you behold, whatever it is you're looking at, you will become like that, which is why so many Children of divorce go on to get divorced. So I love what you're doing with the mentors because you need to start beholding something else. You need to start looking at something else. Look and study the families in your world where the mom and dad cherish each other where they absolutely delight in their Children, where they overcome struggles together. Give yourself something new to behold, right? Behold what it is that you want to become and sometimes we can't behold the example that was handed down to a fire own parents. We need to find something else that we can behold so that we can become like that. Because what you've gone through is really painful but you are not doomed. You are absolutely not doomed to repeat what was done to you. You can become something really different from your parents. You can become the family that you wish that you had as a kid. It's not gonna happen by accident. You're gonna need people ahead of you showing you how to become that thing. So behold, beautiful examples of families, right? Hopefully, you've got some in your world. If not, I would really encourage you to go to church somewhere because That is the place where I see the family that are doing the hard work of staying together, um where ads are striving to protect and provide where moms are sacrificing their career sometimes. So they can be present with their kids when they're young, go there, they will probably love to have you even if they're a 15 year old, you know, just walk through the doors and let them love you. So behold what you want to become and there's good examples out there. Thank you for mentioning that. And again, I just want to give you a chance to say anything else you want to about them before us and how people can get involved and help you. Well, you should totally come to them before us dot com and subscribe and you can stay up on all of our advocacy work. But I'll also say that if you want to share your story, I personally bet everybody that shares their story on our website. But then I'm going to encourage you to write under a pseudonym so that you can be raw and honest. One of the big things we do with them before us is we center the stories of kids because otherwise the adults stories get centered or the narrative is centered and it's very hard to fight against adult narrative and pithy phrases like, oh, the kids will be fine or kids are resilient. The thing that does absolutely destroy those narratives is the real life stories of kids who have had to live through those split home situations and the pain and the struggle and very often lifelong harm that ensues. So if you choose to share your story at them before us, I will do my best to change the world with it. How can people buy the book too? I just wanted to make sure that they have that and how can they find you elsewhere online aside from all of our social media tags at the bottom of the website, we're on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Um The book is at Amazon. It's also a Christian books. If you don't want to Feed the Amazon Beast, we do have an audio book. I got to narrate it. They did make me audition, but they did end up giving me the job. That was really nice. So if you'd rather just listen to it, you can listen to it as well. Yeah, get, get the information into you. I think that it will be very validating for a lot of you guys out there. I think that it might give you words to describe how you're feeling. If you are somebody that is counseling kids, it's going to give you a pretty sharp perspective on what this is like for them. If you're a parent who's struggling right now, go into this choice with your eyes wide open, knowing the kind of cost that you will leverage on your child. If you go down this path, this conversation piqued your interest and you want to know more, definitely pick up Katie's book than before us to learn more about the research behind this topic. Really fascinating research that she put in the book when it comes to how divorce affects the Children. And you can just click on the link in the show notes to get that book. If you come from a divorce or broken family, how is your parents' divorce or your broken family affecting you today? It's trickier to answer that question than it might seem. And if your answer is, I don't really know or you don't understand the depth of it, you're not alone, that's actually very common. But in the words of one therapist, when it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle. Our new assessment will help you name and diagnose your Brokenness. So you can heal it at its roots, not just treat the symptoms and build the life and relationships that you desire. So if you want to become the best version of yourself, find the love, happiness and freedom that you long for avoid repeating the cycle of dysfunction and divorce, then you need to heal. And the first step to healing is naming and diagnosing the wound. Help you do that. Take our free confidential and research based assessment. Just go to my broken family dot com again, my broken family dot com, answer the questions there and then you can view your results again. Go to my broken family dot com or just click on the link in the show notes that wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Always remember you're not alone, we're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
#091: Infidelity: Healing from Your Spouse or Parent’s Affair | Dr. Christine Bacon
Feeling hopeless, our guest prayed for her husband to die. Earlier in their marriage, she cheated on him. Thankfully, they turned things around and they now have a beautiful marriage.
Feeling hopeless, our guest prayed for her husband to die. Earlier in their marriage, she cheated on him. Thankfully, they turned things around and they now have a beautiful marriage.
In this episode, Dr. Christine Bacon vulnerably shares about her affair but especially about the restoration of her marriage. She even shares the formula she’s discovered for a happy marriage. She also offers advice and answers questions, such as:
Why do people have affairs?
Should parents tell their kids about the infidelity?
What can a young person do to heal from their parent’s unfaithfulness?
Buy Dr. Bacon’s book, Super Couples: A Formula for Extreme Happiness in Marriage
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Dr. Christine Bacon
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
My guest today felt so hopeless in her marriage that she actually prayed for her husband to die. A kid. Do not. Their marriage was such a mess. And early on in marriage, she actually cheated on him. But now thankfully, they turn things around and their marriage is now really beautiful. And in this episode, my guest, Dr Christine Bacon vulnerably shares about her affair, but especially about the restoration of her marriage. She even shares the formula that she's discovered for a happy marriage. She also offers advice and answers questions such as why do people have affairs and should parents tell their kids about the infidelity that happened and what can a young person do to heal from their parents and fidelity? This is such an important topic that we privately discussed with the young people that we serve, but it's really discussed in such a public open and honest way as you'll hear in this episode. So keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again, I'm your host, Joey Pontarelli. This is episode 91 my guest today is Dr Christine Bacon. She's a communication and relationship expert. She's also an author, speaker trainer, longtime university professor and the host of the radio talk show Breakfast with Bacon. Her acclaimed book, The Super Couple, a Formula For Extreme Happiness and Marriage was inspired by a personal mission to help God save one million marriages during her lifetime, Dr Bacon holds three degrees in communication. She received her master's and her phd in interpersonal communication from Regent University and she received her bachelor's during communication from Old Dominion University. Her doctoral dissertation burge marital humor with her own experience and her desire to teach individuals and couples how to build and nurture what Bacon calls super marriages. She and her husband Dan reside in Virginia and enjoy time with their daughters and six perfect grandchildren. So without waiting and no longer, here's my conversation with Dr Christine Bacon, Dr Bacon. So great to have you on the show. Thanks for being here. Thank you for inviting me. I'm always excited to spread truth. Your story is so fascinating. Perhaps your lowest point, you prayed for your husband to die. What happened in your marriage? But you know, gracious, I couldn't. We're going to have our 40th anniversary this year. So there's so much I could talk to you about. So let's start with the happy part there. But we got married in 83. I was pregnant and did everything the uncaf slick way and but we were happy and then we got married in 83. I started having an affair in 1986. Which is really weird because I like to first start out with telling people, most people think an affair happens in an unhappy marriage. That's not the truth affair happen when your boundaries are low. It's like, oh, I love my husband. That means I'm gonna stay with him. I'll just, you know, if someone is flirting with me, you flirt back. And so I didn't seek any relationship, but there's this individual is preying on me, which I now know, you know, he was 10 years older than me. He knew what he was doing. But let's just put that aside. But so I started having these feelings for this man, which I shouldn't have had eventually left my husband too and I was away from him for two years and then we got back together. So I ditched the other guy and then I had a Holy Spirit moment which, you know, I'll leave it up to you to ask me whatever you want to ask me kind of turned back or got back in touch with my faith that I had kind of let you know, go to the wayside, which hold on to that. And then two years on my own really talking to God. And that's when my husband started pursuing me again, saying let's let's get back together, let's reconcile was like, no No, no, no, no, no, no. It didn't work the first time. It's not gonna work sick time. But thank God he was very pursuant. And um so we agreed to get back together. We moved in and, and stop me any time because I could go on with the story. But we moved back in May of 1991. It was kind of like awkward, happy for a while. But the problem is joy is that we never, we never took a marriage class. We never said okay, what do we do differently? And we just kind of fell back into the same place. Not my husband. I mean, he's a good man but he kept your, your slot. You did this, you did that. All those bad names would continue to come out. Any time there was a marriage problem, he would throw that in my face. And of course, when he do that, I'd be like, you know, check and I, you know, it's your fault if you wouldn't be such a jerk. And so we fell into the patterns that so many people fall into. You attack me because you still don't trust me. And then so I'll defend myself and then, And then these patterns happen and we're not building a relationship. So the more that that happened, the less attracted I was to him. And, and so over the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years, he had this hardness and then I had this defensive edge against it because what people don't realize too when you have an affair is, they. I always think that the victim is my husband, which he is. I take full responsibility and have some people going. You're make it sound like we should feel bad for you guys who had an affair. It's not what I'm saying, but those of us that did have our feelings to deal with as well. We have self loathing, lack of respect were, you know, I sinned against God. I can never ever again call myself a faithful wife. Um How did I make such a stupid decision? So all these things. So we are a wounded animal and when anybody brings up our past infidelity, it's like poking on that wounded, like just leave me the hell alone. Sorry. I don't mean to say that, but that's kind of how we feel. And so specifically, you know, when a husband or a wife has been betrayed, like my husband was, he too has to protect himself. And so throwing darts at you or reminding you of your history is often a tactic that people would do. So with 20 years of this show, it got to the point where like I hate you so bad. I got to the point where I was like, I'm in my marriage because I know that marriages until death, I have no escape. I'm a trapped animal. And um I just the only way out of this bad marriages if you die because I don't believe in divorce and I would literally get on my knees at my bed because I, you know, I would say things but my husband was, you know, especially brutal with his words as well. So this is where I'm kind of like it's not just one person, there has to be forgiveness, there has to be kind. And so I would just be like, Lord, please make him die. He's an awful, awful man. He, he says stuff in front of our kids. I said stuff in front of our kids. And so all these things would build up and stop me wherever you want. But in this time, I was God always pressed on my heart, this desire. What, what does it take to have a good marriage? What you'd see these cute couples out there and you're like, you know, I want what they have all their so cute. They must have married the right way. They must have married the right guy. Um I did it the wrong way and you know, if, if my spouse dies, maybe I can get remarried and do it the right way the second time. You know, it sounds morbid but I've said it enough now that I know that many people say privately, I feel the same way and it's, it's shameful. But there are so many people that say I get you because when you're in a bad marriage, you do feel trapped. So, anyway, in this too time I started going to get my bachelor's, my master's, my phd, all in marriage communication. And eventually my phd was the doctoral dissertation was humor as a communication, strategy and military marriage. I don't want to study anything negative or depressing. And I thought, let's look at that and it was such a fun dissertation to do. And every question on my survey had had to do with humor except for one and it simply said write your marriage and, and that was a seven point scale from extremely unhappy and very unhappy and unhappy to the flip side, which was happy, very happy, extremely happy and perfect. And I'm like, oh my gosh. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna quiz you Joey. So out of 644 people, I'll tell you up front, nine people checked off. Perfect. And I'm like, those are still newlyweds having sex every day. They got no clue what a real marriage is like. Let's just get past them. Right. But when I went back and looked at them, those nine people were married 30 years, 20 years, 15 years, I was like, what I had to put that aside. But on my quiz you of the other 630, some people, what percent would you say would check the extremely happy box, like they're not just happy and I'm not just very happy, but they are extremely happy to come home to their spouse. We're talking not even 50 people, right? So you're thinking 60 10% you're thinking about 89% right? I was thinking about 1%. It was 35% 35%. That was like one in three, more than one in three was saying I'm so extremely happy. And I said at my computer crying, look at my, my data and was like, what does that look like? I just want to know what it's like to be happy. And I cried so hard because it was just so foreign to me. Anyway. So after I got my doctorate, the the Lord just kept pushing on my gut. He was like, go go find out, go find out, find out what it was like. Okay. So I went out to discover was extreme happiness accidental or was it, was there a formula? And of course, I expected to find that it was just accidental. They marry the right person and sucks to be you everybody else. You, you know, you chose your one in 100 instead of your one in a million. But as I went through it, I, I found out that there was actually a formula. So I'll hold off right there because I can't keep talking. I know you asked about infidelity. So before I go into the super couple, I'd love to answer any more questions you have about infidelity and you can ask anything you want? Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you for being such an open book and that's, that's so fascinating and I'm excited to dive into the formula more and get your relationship advice and all that, I guess for everyone interested, who kind of wants to be teased on the end of your story. How did you guys in particular turn things around? And then I do have a bunch of questions when it comes to infidelity. But yeah, what if you could tease that out? How did you guys turn things off? So there was a formula. I interviewed about 50 couples on recording but about it only took me about five or this, this pattern materialized before my eyes. As I'm interviewing these couples with a tape recorder, I would ask the same questions to every couple and 100% of the men would answer the questions the same way And 100% of the women would do the same thing. And it wasn't this contrived little. Oh honey, don't say that, you know, these people have been married 2030 years, they've seen each other naked, they've seen each other throw up, right? So they weren't playing any games. But when I'd say things like what are the main ingredients? And I am answering your questions, but I have to give you this. What are the main ingredients in the super couple marriage? Why? What makes you so special? And 100% of the husbands would say, let me tell you about this woman. Let me talk about my wife. She does this, this and this and you know what our marriage is good because she is this kind of a person that was like, wow. And then the women, you know, without going, oh no, stop honey. And they receive it. But then they go, well, you know what? He's being humble. Let me tell you about him because this family would not be what it is without him being able to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he did this and he did that and I'd be sitting back and I'd see this repeated again and again and again in every home, every home and then, and then I'd ask, okay. So like you guys didn't have any struggles, right? I mean, maybe little things like your mom's check once, but you don't ever have any big problems. And 100% of these couples, the husbands were like, no, I don't know how she put up with me. I did this and I did that and I did this and there was a time when I failed her in this way and then the wives would be like, well, I did this and I did that and I did that. Let me tell you this. Here's, here's the very first most important part of the formula when it was a negative or when it was a positive attribute of the marriage they pointed to the other when it was negative, they pointed to the self. So I just ask you right now. Stop anybody listening, Joey. Are you married? Okay. So, you know, it's like when you think about this marriage or your bad days, right? You have a bad day, you're like, if my wife would just do such and such. Right? Do, do you? And you don't have to answer this, you or any of your listeners, do you quickly point out how he or she can change or do you think about your own ways of improvement? Yeah, that's a good question. And it depends on the day for me. Yeah. Sometimes you know, one of the more virtuous days I can point to myself in the not so virtuous days I can appointed her for sure and virtue is so so important. Actually, one of my super couples mentioned virtue and he said virtue is a disposition to do the good to do the good and, and negate the evil. That's it. To be a virtuous husband, being virtuous wife. What is a good I can do so in happy marriages, they would focus the good on the other and the negative on the self in troubled marriages like mine and my husband's, it was everything that was good was me and everything that was bad was him and vice versa. So really, if I go around, of course, I want to tell you the whole formula if you want. But what changed it for us was I was convicted and I started watching these couples and I sat there and I was embarrassed because I thought I'm such a jerk. I do this and I always insult my husband. I always blame him. I always, and he did the same. So I kind of consciously, kind of subconsciously started taking what I was learning in these interviews and bringing them home to my husband and him not realizing he was a marital guinea pig though he should have because he was married to me. He started reciprocating and our marriage once cycled bad. Your nasty. I'm nasty. You're ugly. I'm ugly. Started to slowly turn the other way. I'm nice. You're nice. You're happy. I'm happy. I'm virtuous. You're virtuous. Unfortunately, that circle it doesn't take long go and start spinning in the opposite direction. It was miraculous and that's when I realized if my marriage could turn around, any marriage could turn around. Wow. Beautiful. Okay. I'm really excited to get into more of that. But before we do infidelity, it's such a huge topic around here with the young people that we serve because so often, you know, their parents marriage fell apart because of infidelity or at least that was a factor in it. I wanted to start with. Do you know what percentage of divorces involve some form of infidelity? Oh, I would say 95 or more, you know, it's not always easy because so many of the cheaters why? And I'll talk to couples and they'll be like, oh, my spouse says they're not seeing someone else. And I'm like, well, they have this sign, that sign, this sign, that sign on that sign and some cheating spouses are very deceitful. Fortunately, for me, that's not one of my traits. I don't know how to lie when my husband found out about my affair was like, yep, you're right. I am and I don't love you, but there's so many other people, I'm not having an affair. It's you, you're stupid. You, you and, and insult the intelligence. So of all the couples, I've worked with the standards that I have in my group, people whose spouses have left them, I would say out of the 270 active ones that I have, there are two who I believe their spouse probably didn't cheat on them, but they left for other reasons. So, what's the math? Two out of 273 100? I mean, that's 1% half a percent. So, yeah, because Joey to get out of our relationship, even in abusive relationships, people get used to pattern, they stay in that situation because they know how to manage it until there's some outside force that forces you to get out and an affair. Whether it's physical or some people say just emotional but emotional is, is equally as powerful as physical, physical. Actually. Just happens when it's like I give up, I don't want to fight these feelings anymore. So your affair starts long before you ever get in bed with the other person. So I would say the vast majority deal with infidelity, whether it's known or hidden. No, that makes sense. And the cases that I'm aware of, like you said, there's just so much deceit and so much dishonesty that goes into it. So that makes a lot of sense that would be present if infidelity is often at the root of divorce. What's at the root of infidelity? What causes that? So, as I said earlier, I mean, I could go all spiritual on you until it's all Satan, right? It's the enemy. But in terms of our human weaknesses, low boundaries, low self esteem, most of the time, it's low boundaries. And like in my case, I didn't see it coming. Preachers. Right. I talked, I have some preachers in my group that, you know, husbands, a preacher and he ended up leaving me for another woman because so many people think, well, I'm happily married. I don't have to worry about that. So preachers will come in and they'll have, you know, couples in front of them or they'll council just the woman or just a man. But they put themselves in a position where they think they're strong and they can handle it, but they connect and this relationship builds into something and they end up having affairs. So I think it is not, it's not just the boundaries, boundaries, is it? But this idea that I'm immune is very problematic because some people have said I just never after they've heard my strategy, but I never thought my husband was one of those types of guy. And I say to them, I'm not gonna let that hurt me. Right. I'm just, but I want to, I want you to hear what you just said to me. My husband's not that kind of guy. You obviously were. What are you calling me? Are you saying I'm bad, I'm a slut and I'm, I'm horror. I'm asleep around. What what? And and they hear it and I was like I said, I was a good Catholic girl. I was happily married and I wasn't that kind of a girl. So that's one of the thinking I want to change in people is good. People have affairs. What, what did Jesus say in the Bible? Right? Is like who's good? But God on the days I do good things. I'm good on the days I do bad things. I'm bad. So that's probably the biggest thing is low boundaries because again, even in, in abusive relationships, abused, the victim's spouse will stay and the abuse is usually not enough to get them out. And let me just say this to so many people say I'm being abused and being abused, it annoys me. It really does because I start correcting them. I said there's a difference between your spouse being mean and a jerk and being abusive because abuse is about power and control and they're often not overpowering you. Like, yeah, if you go to your mom's house, I'm going to take you and I'm going to whatever. Right. So, but in true abusive relationships, the spouse is usually, like, look, you know, these incidents happen only every several months I can handle it and then whatever. But, you know, even in them, they don't leave until there's just all of a sudden there's a better option. There's, They meet someone, they see someone that's now they're attracted and it gives them, oh, those 11 hormones that we could talk about are so powerful. Once we let them this cascade of these love cocktail, emotions that John Gottman calls them. Once the domino effect starts, it's nearly impossible to fight. So we have to stop ourselves before those hormones start clicking in here. Okay. Now it makes so much sense. Well, it's so you're so insightful into this problem. What do you think of Dr Gary Chapman's explanation to where he basically says, you know, in the five love languages that, you know, emotional tank that everyone has just needs to be filled and when it's empty, we're going to seek to fill it in ways that might not be, be healthy. And so we want our spouse to love us and fill our emotional tank. But if they don't, we might seek it in other ways, which could be an affair. That's what a lot of the stories in his book talk about that. Do you think that's maybe one of the main reasons that affairs happen or is there something else going on? So whether it's him and talking about the Love bank and the, or it's Cotman talking about the love cocktail. What I find is always, we're all speaking the same language because in my super couple formula, the sacred formula as a C R E D, the s is the most important. It's selflessness. And so simply put, if, if I am meeting my own needs but not yours, it's a problem and then happy in unhappy marriages. Let's go there. We meet the needs of the self. I wake up in the morning and make my own cup of coffee and make sure I get enough sleep. I do what I need to do. And this might not be bad things. But if I'm taking care of my needs and Danny is taking care of his, that's still much more selfish. But that we have to be selfless. If I wake up in the first cup of coffee I make is my husband's or I make sure to, you know, turn my alarm off or keep the lights off because he wants to sleep in or whatever. So do I put his needs before my own or my, my needs before his, when you're talking about Gary Chapman's the five love languages or Emerson Cedric's Love and respect they're both about or all these books about, do I meet my needs or do I meet their needs? So, my love language is quality time and my focus. And why are you never talking to me, Dan, why you're never listening to me? That's, it's nothing bad about that, but that's still focused on my needs. And my thinking about Danny's love language is acts of service. Am I doing? Did I mow that lawn for him? Did I go and massage him? Did I go and make, make whatever it was he wants me to do. So, yeah, I love what Chapman says because if we discover what the other person's love languages and we seek to meet their needs, that's what we're supposed to do. I'm married to you. I will seek your needs. You seek mine. And that way we're both having our needs met by the other. No, I love that. Yeah. And teaching each other how to fill those needs I think is, is so so beautiful. And that's why I love the work that you're doing. Would you say, I mean, your story is just the answer to this. But for everyone listening who maybe doesn't know, you know, everything about your story is a marriage doomed once infidelity occurs, you know, can you recover from it? No. You know, I'm a Lector at church and one of the things I do is I'm able to look out and see all the people in the pews and, because I'm a marriage coach, I'm like, I've worked with that couple, I've worked with that couple, I've worked at that couple and they're all together and I know which ones have had affairs but you don't Because they don't tell you and they're not going to tell their neighbors and they're not going to tell their families most of the time. And so you look at couples, see you had an affair. See, they're divorced. I'm like, ah, but you don't know about these other 2030, 50, 50 couples here that had affairs and they're happily married. Yeah, you can. And people do all the time work through them. So, so what does it take to recover from that, from, from a cheating situation for both of the spouses? Because, you know, let's assume one didn't cheat and one did. I know in some cases both do. But I'm curious, what does it take to recover from cheating? It takes every fiber of your being because both of you were, had trust broken the betraying spouse again, as I said earlier has all these self doubts. And when this love cocktail, like kicks in and you have all these feelings when you first met your wife, you probably have the love cocktails like, oh my gosh. I'm so in love and hmm. So there are 11 hormones but I call it love cocktail then, but when it's an affair, I call it the lust cocktails the same 11 hormones. But they're, one of them is a hormone that elevates your risk taking. It's like, oh, no, it's okay. We can have sex. We won't get caught, we won't get pregnant. Another one is low irritability. When you're with this person, nothing irritates you. It's just no big deal. Even the way they chew with their mouth open is so adorable. You know, that's just, it's okay. Right. But when that wears off, which takes typically about two years, six months to two years, you're like, oh my God, shut your mouth. I don't want to see you chewing like that and you're irritating me and, and, and all these hormones. But one of those hormones is called vasopressin and it's called the monogamy hormone. And it's specifically high when vasopressin touches testosterone, which means more stronger for males even though women have testosterone to. But when, And that's the person is elevated, it's called the monogamy hormone because men are visually stimulated, right? You can see your wife naked, you're totally ready, right. I'm game. But when you're in that love cocktail and those 11 hormones are elevated, you could have naked women walking around you and you won't even notice them because your object of your affection is right in front of you. Like I don't care about anyone else. So when I had an affair and that lust cocktail kicked in and I saw this person as like, just, just great. Right. There's nothing in the earth. My husband can do your wife that can make you think they're better. That's just the way God made the hormones. Um, so when you're coming out of an affair, you have to work through those emotions because so many times, you know, I'm sitting there thinking, oh my gosh, the other guy was a better man. I'm stuck with my husband. I got to be with him, but I'm going to do this. So the things that actually keep you married are the decision. So once the hormones were off, let me just say it's the difference between what we would categorize as falling in love and being in love, right? So falling in love is I'm just in love, I'm in love with you versus love. So after the hormone wears off, you make a choice. If you and your wife have been together for more than two years, you know what I'm talking about, you're choosing to love her every day. And so that's what you have to do after an affair, you have to work through. And when I counsel or coach couples, I'll tell the husband or the wife that was betrayed. Look, I'm just gonna be straight up with you. Your spouse is still going to be thinking about the om or the O W as we call him, the other woman other man. I know you don't want to think about that, but you, you can close your eyes and stick your head in the stand or you can understand this and go with it. You want your marriage to work or not, but it's not to throw it in their face when they're like crying in bed at night because they've been out of this relationship for six months, but they're still dreaming of the other person. And that is pretty humbling. If you, if your wife, you know, you're laying in bed with your wife, you know, she's thinking of another man that's pretty humiliating or vice versa. So, teaching them, here's what it's going to look like. But eventually those hormones balance your mind balances. You will logically look at it like I had to go. That guy is not a good guy because he had an affair with a married woman. He knew, you know, even though I had an affair with a married man, I looked at him like I had to look at him logically and go, your ethics aren't as high as I would like to believe. I can't trust you because you, you're a cheater just like I was right. So you got to navigate what is truth and what is worth working. And so I will work with couples and you have a history together. You have Children, you have families, you devastate your Children if you divorce. But once you work through this and you reset logic and emotion, faith and reason. You will see that the feelings can come back for the spouse that you once couldn't stand because you're looking at him like, wow, you're stuck with me even though I did this or I did that or, or the other way around you, you look like you came back to me even though you already had someone else and you could have your a big enough person to admit your fault. You know. So how do we see you? Do we see you in that positive light or do we see you in the negative light? That's a choice. You have to train your mind. Wow. Okay. And I know you offer resources to help recover from these sorts of situations from Infidelities. So we'll definitely offer those at the end. But I want to shift gears a little bit and talk about, yeah, you know, from the perspective, I would say of the Children of the young people who come for from these situations. So would you say, should parents tell their kids about the infidelity? That's something we kind of debate around here. Not unless the kids found. So I have a sadly have a friend who recently had an affair and her Children overheard and the kids are upset. How could you have done this mommy? How could you have done this? That's devastating because the kids, they're so innocent. They believe in Santa Claus they can't comprehend this. What a child should be told is what a child can handle. His. Mommy and daddy are having a hard time, mommy and daddy are fighting, but we can get through this. Do you know how you fight with your siblings? You know, you guys, sometimes you're pulling each other's hair out and we have to ground you and then sometimes you're playing really nicely. So that's like Agia pro pre it, you get a teenager and it's the same type of things like, you know, your mom and I are struggling marriages like this. Um If you could, could you pray for us. And so if the child says, well, my friend saw mommy out with another man, you know, or they saw you, you know, daddy out with another woman, I would never lie to the child because then they can't trust you. So whatever they know, you never lie to the child, but you never give them more information than they need. And it's like, well, yes, daddy did in fact have a relationship with someone else, but that relationship is ending and we're working out, you know. So that's, that's what I would say. Okay. So not voluntarily bringing it up. But if they knew about it, if they ask, you can set aside curiosity and kind of leave it at that until maybe they have more questions. Let me ask you if I took a knife and stabbed you in the chest. That would hurt. Right. So, when you find out your spouses had an affair that hurts. Right. Why would you want to stab your Children in the chest too? Yeah. Okay. So let me just play devil's advocate for a secondary. I know a lot of the spouses who might be listening to this, especially parents who are divorced. They might be thinking, well, I want to give my child my Children some sort of an explanation for why dad is no longer living with us. What would you say in that case is appropriate? Because it might seem, and I've heard parents say this, it might seem like your mom or if it's dad being kind of this, this ruthless creature who's kicking the other parent out of the house for apparently no reason when you know, there actually is a reason there. So I'm curious what you would say to someone who would say something like that. So kind of get me to the beginning question again. Yeah. So, you know, a parent might disclose to their Children about some sort of infidelity or affair because they're afraid that their Children may think that they're randomly kicking the other spouse out of the house. So, so again, you tell the child, you always have to give them encouragement first. Just like, look, I want, I want daddy back. I'm still fighting for our marriage. But yes, he made this bad mistake. You know, if you put it in that. It's like he made a mistake or I wouldn't have ever, I was forced into this divorce. But I want you to love your daddy because just like you make mistakes, daddy's makes mistakes too. Or mommy, you know, whichever one it is. So you, but see what happens. Joey is a lot of us and anybody listening, check yourself because you know what I'm talking about is really, I want my, I didn't know that I was a good spouse and they were the bad one. It's like, well, you know, if your dad hadn't have left me and they almost want to tell the Children so that I'm the good parent and that's the bad parent. But they totally forget your kid loves both of you. Even kids whose parents are in prison. I worked with those kids, even kids whose parents are abusive. I've talked to those kids. They want mom and dad together. They want to believe this is possible. So even though you have proved that the other one in the eyes of the world is the worst one. That's not how it's coming out in your kid's head. You just need to say we are both lod people. We've both made mistakes. But yes daddy left. I wish I could get them to stay. I wish I could have gotten mommy to stay. You know, so they can know that your fight you fought or you are continuing to fight for your marriage and then just tell the kids, you know, mommies and daddies do get back together, you know. So, so pray, pray for this. Although I tell you the cheating spouse, the leaving spouse often says, don't you tell our kids to pray for our marriage to reconcile? Because it's never gonna happen? You're giving the kids false hope. The Bible says, hope never disappoint. So that's what I usually tell them. I'm gonna give them hope. You go ahead and throw their little hearts on the ground and tell them not. And I'm gonna let them pray with whatever they want to say. If that makes them feel better, I think we'll get back together, then I'll let them do it and it just angers the leaving spouse. But you're not saying it to be vindictive. You're saying it to be like, I'll be darned if I'm going to tell my kids not to pray that we get back together because it convicts leaving spouse. Yeah. Oh Yeah. And from the hundreds of young people that we worked with, even if there's not this explicit conscious desire, often on an unconscious level, there's this desire that mom and dad would get back together. And even if that, even if it's the years later, there's this hope that we hold on out, you know that okay, maybe mom and dad will get back together, maybe things will, you know, the family will come back together, things can be healed. So So, I certainly just, my parents on February 23rd would have been my parents 60th wedding anniversary and they're both still alive and they divorced when I was 14. And even though back then I said I wanted it because I used to fight with my dad as I've matured. I'm like, no, I want my parents back together and I'm still hoping that maybe before they die they will. So, yeah. And if, if God wills it, it will happen. Yeah. So you get that. Yeah. What would you say to a child who that one or both of their parents were unfaithful and it really affected them, like they're really scarred by it. What would you say to them? How could they heal from that? How old? I mean, typically the people listening to this podcast typically or anyone from early teens to in their early 30s. So I know it's a big range. But no, no, no, it's good. They're just not little kids. My answer is there's a lot of Brokenness in this world and Brokenness does not mean it has to be replicated and it does not mean it can't be healed. And, you know, usually by that age, those age groups have made some big mistakes. They've had sex outside of marriage, they've broken up, they've had their own little cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend, they've, they've made mistakes so they start understanding the humanity of themselves. And so I would help them compare their parents Brokenness to their own. But then again, going back to the hope conversation saying, But again, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes we made make us the better persons that we are my affair. 30 some years ago, 36, years ago, brought me to this profession. Today, brought me to that book. Got me to the platform is helping me save marriages. It is God is redeeming my sin. And so I would say to those Children, the same thing first, don't stop praying for your parents to reconcile, but look at them as the same as you are just a flawed and broken human being who made a mistake? Forgiveness goes a long way. That's so true. Thanks for saying all that. And what would you say to the young person who is just terrified of walking down the same path? Um I know, you know, we hear that a lot from the young people that we work with that. They don't want to repeat the same mistakes they saw in their parents' marriage. But so often they, you know, for one reason or another, they kind of unconsciously walk down the same path. But what can they do to avoid repeating those same mistakes in their own relationships? First thing they can do is realize that they're not gonna not make some of the same mistakes. You know, I'm just, you're taught how to handle conflict by your parents you're taught how to wash the dishes by your parents. You're taught how to interact with family and friends and spend the holidays. You're taught everything by your parents and you gotta take the good and get rid of the bad. My daughter and I was a great mom. I had other mothers say to me, if I could be half the mom you were. But my youngest daughter was like, I don't ever want to be a mom like you were in terms of conflict. My daughter's very introverted and she always calls me a bull in a china shop because I'm like, you see, I'm not shot. I'm like, I'll give you this and that and I'm opinionated and that makes her pull back. So she's like, I will never be like you in that way. I'm never going to raise my voice and she doesn't raise her voice too much. But then she's gone so far to the opposite direction. She doesn't discipline her kids at all. And I've had to say to her, your kids are walking all over you. Your oldest disrespect you, blah, blah, blah. So what I'd say to them is you're going to make mistakes, cut yourself some slack for crying out loud, but pick and choose the things that you want to repeat, the things you don't realize you're gonna make your own set of mistakes just trying to avoid your parents' mistakes. So it's got to be this balance of okay, this is gonna happen. Now, the number one thing in this is secular research and then obviously Christian as well. But secular research take, take the God out of this. The number one thing that will save a marriage is to vow to understand the indestructibility of marriage. It's like a lot of my couples would say the D word. We don't even say the D word we said on our engagement. We would never be allowed to say it, even joke about it, even threatened it. We'd never say the D word. And when you go into it and know that this is for life, it changes things when I left my husband and then I came back when he asked me back in 2000 or 1991. It's actually October of 1990. I remember standing in My living room in New Hampshire because my husband was currently stationed in South Carolina thinking to myself, Okay. The first time I left my husband, you know, I married him, I was 18, pregnant and stupid. Everybody would understand why I'm getting out of this marriage. I'd have been out. But this time you're eight years older, you know what you're getting into this time. It's for life. And I never knew back then that vow, that vow is what sustained me in the times that I wanted him to die or hated him. It's like I'm in this for life. There's no out clause. There's no get out of jail card and when you know that you will weather any storm, any storm, every storm, every storm so good. And what would you say to parents listening? Who maybe they're considering a divorce, maybe they're separated right now or just really struggling in their marriage. What's your advice for them? Especially if cheating was involved. What's your advice when it comes to parents? Considering divorce? A read Layla's book, Primal Loss. The now adult Children of divorce, speak Layla Miller. It is, it'll rip your heart out. And she has given that book to people. They have, she said some people actually changed their decisions to divorce because of like this is gonna hurt my kids. Um One of the things that I read in there that I will say to those people right now is one person said divorce is a bloodless sacrifice, deacon Harold Burke Sievers was on my radio show once and he is an adult child of divorce. And he said the most telling thing there is divorce is like putting your own cross down and forcing your Children to pick it up. So if you're a parent and you're considering divorcing their parent do not be so arrogant as to think your kids will be okay and your kids will have no pain and your kids won't mind being in a house with their dad and another woman and watching them have to sleep in the same room or their mom and another man do not think your Children will be okay with that. So when you look at and say your Children want the two of you to figure this the heck out, you said you, you right now would jump in front of a bus to save your kid's life. You would take a bullet for those kids. And yet if you divorce, you are inflicting the biggest bullet you can on your kids don't think that you're not. And so I kind of just put them right between the eyes. So you need to figure this out and then I pull back and I'm like, but I get it, I get it. I knew the pain I wanted out and let me work with you, find someone you can work with that can help you get past the season of darkness because you can get past it. So you have to do the same thing with those parents. You have to give them hope. There's nothing that you're going through right now that cannot be resolved. I've had abusive couples where the abuser stops abusing and they've gotten back together and they've had happy marriages, extra kids. Yeah, that's beautiful. I think there's this narrative in our culture that can't happen, but it certainly is true because you've seen it and help couples reach that point. That's amazing. Look at people in prison, we say, oh, they should be good. And yet so many people like, oh, they're an ex con that is a human being. And if you believe that they can live and not make those same mistakes and then they won't. But you judge them a little bit more harshly than you judge yourself. So, yeah. No, they can learn and they can be good broken. But he'll human beings just like you. And so I'm like, really adamant about changing people's frames of mind. It starts in the head. Yeah. No, it's beautiful and it does take a lot of work and I know you're not simplifying it. But um but if you have the right guide, the right mentor, the right coach, you certainly can get there. And we see that with athletes or world class musicians, right? There's always these mentors, these guides behind them. And so it should be the same if we want great marriages. Do I want to go back to the formula before we say goodbye here. Please tell us more about it. I'm really excited. So you interviewed all these couples, you came up with this formula for a great marriage. Teach us as much as you can in the short time that we have. Okay. So the acronym Sacred, I always joke that was either going to be sacred or scared, but I figured Sacred would sell more books. Um When I asked them, these main ingredients, there were some things that these couples said um that they thought were parts of a super marriage. But there were things that I saw that they weren't able to articulate until later. Some of my couples came and so did you ever find out about us? What do you think? And I told them formula. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's it. Because not all of them said selflessness. Actually, most of them didn't. But that's all I saw. And so the A I saw was attentiveness. None of them said that. But here's what I saw in unhappy marriages. You pay attention to what your spouse does poorly in happy super marriages, you pay attention to what they do. Well, so if your spouse comes home in a bad mood, slams the doors like rail in a bad marriage, you're like, you're such a jerk. See why don't even bother marrying you? But in a happy marriage and a super marriage, they go, you know what? That is a good person who's having a bad day. So they flip it. So what do you pay attention to in your spouse where they succeed, where they failed the things you paid attention to when you were dating and fell in love or you pay attention to the fact that they don't keep a clean house or, you know, they have bad breath in the morning or they, they're snarky or they're bad communicators, you know, whatever you can pick and choose because everybody's got a package of both. So the second one, the third one was c which is communication that's all my degrees are in communication. How we say what we say. Um I talk about the differences between the male and the female brain. That's huge because if every woman expect her husband to be just like her and have these conversations where they look into your eyes and you can talk for hours. A male rather shoot himself than have to listen to someone talk all the time because most guys are like, dude, get to the point, get to the point you're killing me, right? And the women are like what all my girlfriends can hang with the girls, the girls, you know. So um I talked about the compartmentalization of the male brain and the and the females circular kind of thinking. I talk about the emotion centers, you know, a female's emotion centers attached to her language center. So when she feels something, she's able to articulate it, but a man's emotion center are attached to his spinal cord. So when a man feels an emotion, he's got to move his body and stuff. So how we say we, what we say, how we communicate, our feelings is so diverse depending on our gender and then our personality type. And and again, am I going to communicate with my husband? The way I want him to communicate or the way that he wants me to communicate goes right back to that selflessness, right? Then ours respect. I don't really need to build on that one too much other than to say our society used to have respect for people. And now you can look at our politicians, our leaders profanity in the White House. You would have never heard that 50 years ago. But there's no respect for self. Look at all this cutting, look at all these horrible things. So we have no respect for self respect for others, no respect for authority, no respect for our spouses and, and respect is to find as the esteem for the value or the worth of a person. And if I don't have value or esteem for my husband's worth, it's gone because if I don't respect him, don't care how I treat him. So respect is huge. And then the kind of the last two E N D sacred, the E is encouragement. I went into my super couples asking questions about pessimism and optimism because my husband's a huge pessimist. And I thought that's what I was seeing is like, you're making me, he's toxic. It was toxic. And I found out that all my super couples were actually a pessimist, married to an optimist. And I was like, what, what am I looking at then? And then after I studied them more, I realized what I was looking at was the dichotomy between encouragement and discouragement. Super couples were extremely encouraging one another. It's like Jimmy, if, if anybody could run for mayor, you could run for mayor. If anybody could start their own business. You can, it's like, you know, Christine, if anyone could write this book, you can the super couples encourage one another and my husband, I love him, but he had to train him. This is probably one of his weak areas. He's like, well, yeah, of course, you could write a book but most books fail. You know, of course, you could start a business but most of them lose money and I'm like, you're killing me. And so I had to like push past his toxic thinking, which eventually my positive success brought him along. But so encouragement. Do you encourage one another? And again, that's biblical encouragement. And the Bible encourage one another with the kids and just be mighty encourage, mentioned encouragement greatly come and encourage them. You can do this. We can do this. I know we cheated. I know our marriage is bad but we can do this. We can do this for the kids anyway. And then the last one ties it all together. The last one is deliberateness because I remember asking one of my super couples, are you just naturally selfless? And her name was Brooke. And she's like, no, you're just as selfish as everybody else. She goes. It's just that when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, what can I do for Chuck today? What can I do to put his needs before my own? How can I not be selfish? And she said, but that intentionality breeds habit. And eventually super couples are habitually putting their spouse before themselves. So you have to be deliberate. People who are dealing with affairs have to be deliberate and going. Okay. I know. Logically, here's what I'm feeling. I know logically, here's what's going to happen. I know logically, you know, we got to get through this spot would be deliberate, but I'm gonna do this anyway. I don't love you right now. I don't want to kiss you right now, but I'm gonna do it anyway. You know, so that's the formula. It's pretty powerful and it works. Yeah. Amazing. Well, if people want to learn more, how can they learn more about that? I know you have your book and please tell us about the other resources that you offer. Well, so just go to my website and you'll get everything there. It's breakfast with bacon dot com and you can also find Dr Christine bacon dot com. But it's easier to remember breakfast with bacon. Everybody always says that, that, that breakfast with bacon lady, what's her name? So you never remember my name. Just remember breakfast with bacon dot com. And you can find out about my book. We have an audio book, e book, you know, the paper book, but also coaching resources can, you know, work with you. I also have a standards group, the podcast. So you start there. It'll take you to the podcast. It'll take you to everything. But the standards group, I definitely want to make a plug for in this last minute that we have is standards are people who are standing for reconciliation while their spouse is cheating on them has had an affair, has divorced them, has a child with somebody else. And these are people who are standing on their vows saying well, until death do us part. Even if you're married and you've been with the other woman for 12 years, I'm gonna stand because I'm your covenant spouse. And so there are so many people are listening right now. That are what we call separated, faithful. And they're like, yes, that's what I want. I want to say to you, you're not delude, you're not wrong, you're not Pollyanna ish. There are thousands of people who are standing for reconciliation. You can come join our group. We will encourage you. You know, you will have other people who think like you and we've had now we start out with four people in my living room in 2016. We now have over 275 people in 40 states, 10 countries. We've had over 15 reconciliations already of people who once said I will never get back with you. They got back so good. Well, Dr Christine Bacon, thank you so much for your time. I want to give you the last word. What encouragement when you give to parents, listening to even young people listening who? Yeah, just are in these broken families who maybe feel stuck and discouraged in life. What would, what hope would you give to them and closing? There's so much be selfless and, and sacrifice your own needs for the needs of your Children, sacrifice your own needs for the greater good, for the community, for your spouse, for God. And you will be rewarded for that. You will probably be rewarded on this earth, but you'll definitely be rewarded in heaven because every single thorn that you have on earth, you will exchange for a jewel in heaven. Everything is not forgotten. So carry your cross and if you want me, I'll help you carry it with joy. So some questions for you to reflect on if you are married, how would you rate your marriage? How would you rate your marriage and if you're not married, how do you want to be able to rate your future marriage? Like obviously, you wanted to be as great as it can be. And so the question really is for both people in both situations is how are you going to close the gap between where you are today and where you want to be? And to do that, I just want to say check out Dr Christine Bacon's resources to help you. And again, you can go to breakfast with bacon dot com, breakfast with bacon dot com or just click on the link in the show notes If you come from a divorce or broken family. How is your parents' divorce your broken family affecting you today? It might be trickier to answer that than it seems. And if your answer is, I don't really know or you don't really understand the depth of it, you're actually not alone. That's very common from what we've seen. But in the words of one therapist, when it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle. Our new assessment will help you name and diagnose your Brokenness. So you can heal it at its roots, not just treat the symptoms and build the life and relationships that you desire. So if you want to become the best version of yourself, find the love and happiness and freedom that you long for and avoid repeating the cycle of dysfunction, divorce in your own life, then you need to heal. And the first step to healing is really naming and diagnosing the wound to help do that. You can take a free confidential and research based assessment. Just go to my broken family dot com, my broken family dot com, answer the questions there and then view your results again. Go to my broken family dot com or just click on the link in the show notes. That's a wrap. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents to force or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
You Are Not to Blame
And most of all, remember this — you are not to blame. You are an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire, and nothing else.
2 minute read.
This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 26 years old. Her parents separated when she was 7. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
My father may or may not have had an affair with his secretary (cliche I know, but it was never confirmed). He and my mother separated and he immediately moved in with the other woman. My brothers and I had 7 days on, and 7 days off with each parent. My eldest brother was traumatized the most, I suppose since he was 10 when it happened. His rage turned into violence and sexual abuse against me, which went on for a couple of years until I told my father about it. He didn't believe it happened but it freaked out my brother and so the sexual abuse stopped and was replaced with only violence. The most terrifying memory I have was waking up to my brother straddling me with his hands around my throat, screaming that he would kill me. I was 15 at that time.
Going back to the divorce — my mother eventually found a condo. She was extremely manipulative, violent, and verbally abusive. Most of this was a result of her fury that she could never get pregnant (my 2 brothers and I were adopted) but only 3 years after adopting me, she was left without a husband but with 3 kids. She often used her status as an "adoption mom" as a way to "prove her love and kindness and empathy". It drove me mad.
My eldest brother chose to be with our father full-time when he was 14. I ended up doing the same at 15 because her manipulation became too much for me to handle. As an example of her manipulation -- she encouraged me to get a job at a bakery in the mall where she worked (I really didn't want one yet, I had enough going on at that time, but she said I needed one) because she was friends with the owner. I had just turned 15 but the legal working age was 16. He agreed to hire me anyway because she was his friend. She took me to the bank to open a joint account but — here's the kicker — I was not permitted to have access to it. Only she would have the card, and she would use it as she pleased.
Anyways I left shortly after that and opened a new bank account.
Moving on to my father — his new girlfriend moved in with us quite early on. I think it was a year or two after the divorce. In the beginning, I quite liked her but soon it became clear that she did not like children. She had a daughter of her own but she was approaching 30 years old. I constantly overheard her at night telling my father about what bad people my brothers and I were (mind you, my second brother who is 6 weeks older than me is autistic) and that she would be happier if we were gone. This was a nearly daily occurrence.
At her request, I was given all the housework as chores. My brothers and I would do the dishes together but all the other cleaning — bathroom, vacuuming, washing the table and counters, windows, washing the floor, etc. — was my responsibility twice a week. This doesn't sound like much but I also had high school from 8 AM to 3 PM every weekday, worked Thursday and Friday from 4 PM to 9 PM, and weekends from 9 AM to 6 PM, plus I had homework. Somehow I came out of all of this with good grades. But when my stepmother would come home (she came home an hour before my dad), she'd inspect my cleaning and relay all the mistakes back to my father, which infuriated him and ultimately fed her lies about what a horrible person I was.
Meanwhile, I was allowed no social time, I was not allowed to go see friends during the week, nor could I go see them on the weekend since I was working. When I finished school, I had to walk home and immediately call my father. (These were the days when many people still didn't have cellphones, only landlines.) I had to call immediately and he would see which number was calling him so he'd know that I had come straight home and not gone to see anyone else.
My "fondest" memory of his control (perpetuated by his lovely girlfriend) was when he locked the pantry doors and didn't allow us to access the food without permission because I had once come home from school during lunch and cooked myself ramen in the microwave. He was furious because he planned on taking it to work the next day (which I did not know). We could afford to buy another ramen from the grocery store that was one block down the street. But I digress. That lock remained on the door for years.
Another very fond memory of mine was when I wrote a letter to my father about all the verbal abuse and control at the hands of my stepmother. I folded the note and wrote "dad — this is for you and no one else. please don't show anyone." I left it on my desk and went to my mother's for the week (this was when I was 14). He read it, showed it to her, then sat my brothers and me down at the kitchen table to discuss it. They had written the letter with me but of course, the confrontation scared them so they threw me under the bus. I was subsequently locked in my room for 2 days. I didn’t eat or drink anything. I ended up getting so sick I vomited. When that happened my stepmother permitted me to leave my room to eat supper on day three. I was still sick but she accused me of intentionally vomiting the food she had prepared.
That last story reminds me of the time my father found my diary and read it out loud to my brothers and stepmother while I sat idly by at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, humiliated.
I can keep going with stories like this but let's just say they made it very clear for many years that at 18 my brothers and I were no longer welcome in the house. They went so far as to buy me pots and pans as a Christmas gift when I was 17 and stick a note on it that said "take the hint." And on my 18th birthday, I got a 2-pack of mugs that were given as a free gift with every purchase over $100 at our local grocery store. It was not wrapped and had a sticky note on it that said "happy b-day, dad".
Anyways. Needless to say, at 18 we all moved out. My eldest brother still has a tight relationship with him but my middle brother and I are completely out. It has now been 8.5 years since we moved out. Many times I attempted to make amends with both our mother and father but it didn't work out. They rejected me. "I don't have a daughter" are the words that struck me the hardest.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL
Extremely traumatized. Had my parents stayed together I would have never been abused by my brother. Probably not by my parents either. And definitely not by my stepmother. It was extremely traumatized. After I moved out at 18, I ended up with a severe cocaine addiction that led to me putting myself in a position to be raped. Two days after that I attempted to kill myself and spent a week in the hospital recovering.
But I have moved on.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her
I have made a promise to myself to NOT be my parents to my own kids. I have three of them now. Reliving the trauma of my childhood and adolescence helps to remind me of what kind of parent I will never, ever, EVER be to them
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
It's not your job to comfort your parents. But if you see that they are hurting, it's okay to sit beside them and just hold their hand in silence. It can bring them comfort, but most of all it can make you feel closer to them.
If it's a very traumatic separation (separation, in general, is traumatic, so the level of trauma you will experience is relative to your life experience thus far), seek therapy. If you can speak to your school guidance counselor, a teacher your trust, or another family member, that's a good place to start. I found a lot of comfort in sharing my life stories with my most trusted educators at school.
And most of all, remember this — you are not to blame. You are an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire, and nothing else.
Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored? If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing.
Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.
#090: How’s Your Parents’ Divorce or Broken Family Affecting You Today?
How is your parents’ divorce or your broken family affecting you today?
How is your parents’ divorce or your broken family affecting you today?
If your answer is “I don’t really know” or you don’t understand the depth of it, you’re not alone. That’s actually very common. But in the words of one therapist, “When it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you’ve been harmed is about 70% of the battle.”
In this episode, we unveil a new tool that will help you name and diagnose your brokenness, so you can heal it and build the life and relationships you desire.
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
For those of you come from broken or divorced families. How is your parents divorce or your broken family affecting you today. And if your answer is, I don't really know or you don't understand the depth of it. You're not alone. That's actually very common. I've heard that a lot. It's a trickier question to answer than it might seem. But in the words of one therapist, when it comes to experiencing, healing naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle. So in this episode we unveil a new tool that will help you name and diagnose your Brokenness. You can heal it at its roots, not just the symptoms and build the life and relationships that you want. Keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents, divorce, separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joy Pontarelli, thank you so much for listening. This is episode 90. My co host today is actually a restored teammate, our director of content Miranda Hinkle and Miranda a little background on her. She was born in Caracas Venezuela, although she spent the majority of her childhood in North Carol When she was 10, her family moved back to Venezuela where her life was changed forever when her parents divorced a year later and shortly after that, she and her younger sister moved with their mother back to the United States and settled in Charleston South Carolina Miranda graduated with a psychology degree from Clemson University in 2015 moved back to Charleston where she met her husband and married him in 2020? They now reside in florida where her husband is stationed with the U. S. Navy. She works for restored to help other Children of divorce heal and grow Miranda enjoys the beach beer, trying to understand poetry and poking fun at her husband. So with that, let's dive into the show. This is such a common problem that we hear that people like us who come from divorced or broken families, they don't recognize or at least don't fully understand how their past trauma affects them today. And that's I think a big problem and to take a little bit further, they might recognize symptoms like, oh I struggle with anxiety or depression or I'm addicted to, you know, alcohol or pornography, but they might not understand the root cause. So they don't understand like that their family trauma stuff that's happened to them in the past is actually contributing to that struggle today. And if I think the danger to not recognizing that is that we might be tempted to merely treat symptoms instead of addressing the root cause. And if you do that, what I've seen at least is that you're just always going to be treating symptoms. You know, we see that a lot in the medical world whether that's like popping pills or going on this or that program that never actually gets you a result for the root cause. It just like treats the symptoms. And so I wanted to hear from you though, like what um what happened in your past, that kind of woke you up to realize that a lot of, you know, your struggles were some from at least the breakdown of your parents, marriage and the family trauma that you had been through. Yeah, I think what you're saying is so true and we see that over and over again in our work, just how we, a lot of us, you know, from broken families walk around without understanding how our parents divorced or how our broken family has affected us and then we don't know, we can't connect the symptoms to the issue. And so it kind of puts us in a really tough position to find healing. And so awareness is a really key factor. And for me personally, it wasn't until I was in my first dating relationship that I started to really notice the symptoms of distrust and anger and just a lot of dysfunctional habits when it came to romantic relationships. And so the symptoms became just really acute and um that prompted me to look for help, which came in the way of counseling. Really excellent counselor, I do advocate that for everyone if they can. Um and I know that that is part of our mission with restored is to connect people to to high quality counselors. So, through the work of our counselor of my counselor, I I was able to make that connection because, you know, she was wise enough to see that I was struggling, you know, relational e especially, and she kind of could see how those wounds came from my parents divorce years before. And so through our conversations, you know, it definitely took a while for me to truly believe that that was true. But I think over time in our work together, I began to see the connection and with that awareness, I was able to work on really treating the symptoms at their root. No, that makes so much sense, and I'm really glad that you had that experience. I mean, it sounds like a painful thing to go through, but at the end it turned out to help you help he'll help you grow to help you become a better stronger person. It shocked you though, didn't it? Like it just didn't occur to you before that, or maybe sharing this with me, Like it didn't occur to you before that that that would be a possibility, like you said, it took you time to kind of wrap your head around that. Um is that right? Absolutely, yeah, I was, I think, you know, many of us are just reluctant, you know, we don't want to revisit painful memories. So there's kind of that protective element, a lot of us block uh those things out because it's painful and uncomfortable to consider. So there's that and then I think we we as Children, you know, we don't want to put our parents in a position where we're blaming them for anything. And so where there's kind of that protective instinct and so there's a lot of factors that can work against us recognizing how our families have, you know, led to us dealing with these symptoms. And of course there is not a matter of blame. It's just a matter of acknowledging the truth. And you know, jesus said like the truth was that you free, we know that that's true. And so from there, from that point of honesty is where you can start to truly finding healing, you know? Yeah, that's so true. And yeah, I think a lot of people feel like they're somehow hurting their parents are not honoring them or you know, not loving them if they're honest about the ways in which they, you know, maybe decisions, they made one or both parents made affected them. And I, yeah, I definitely, we definitely push back against that saying that you could still love and honor your parents while at the same time being honest about the ways in which your family negatively affected you. And and the point by the way is not to just like stay there forever. We want to like move past it and heal those relationships and just like move on with our life. Like we're not supposed to be and I hope people don't get this wrong impression about restored. Like we want you guys to like move on, move past this stuff, not to perpetually be wrestling with, you know, these wounds and the struggles in your relationship with your parents. It is a process and that's something that happens overnight. But um, but that's the end the goal of all of this. So Amanda, I was curious, you know, once you kind of had that recognition, you were aware of, you know, your struggles and the root of them on a deeper level. What did you do with that knowledge? Like how did that understanding benefit you? Yeah, I mean, I think, you know with any problem, you really can't address it until you acknowledge that there is a problem. And so seeing that you know, I had some serious, you know, trust issues and just unhelpful mindsets when it came to relationships and things like that, it allowed me to then address them and I think especially you know with the help of the counselor, it was extremely fruitful to break down what I was dealing with why I was dealing with it and from there be able to find healing. So I think the process of understanding, you know, how my past had affected me and then addressing each symptom in turn, you know, allowed for healing to happen. I really don't think that I would have been able to kind of develop better habits growing virtue nearly as much as I hadn't first kind of come to terms with the fact that my past had affected me and was still affecting me even at that point in time, years after the divorce. So I think it was absolutely a very fruitful process even though like you said, it is a little, you know, it can be a little painful. It's a lot of work, but I think it's absolutely necessary if we want to have healthy relationships and a big part of our mission here restored is to undo the cycle of divorce. And I think we all want that for our culture, but we also want that individually. Like we don't want to repeat our parents mistakes. And so I think it was absolutely essential for me to work on those issues so that I could undo the cycle of divorce in my own life. Okay, that makes so much sense. Now before we move on, I'm just curious if you're open to sharing, were there any like more specific examples of like, this was a problem? I know you mentioned anger and some other, you know, struggles in your dating relationship. So I'm curious if there was anything in particular that was like, okay, this is a struggle. I didn't see I was connected to the breakdown of my family. Then I realized it was and I did this about it and I was able to get this outcome. Just curious just so we can kind of tie that together for everyone listening. Yeah, I think one of the most kind of helpful parts of, you know, especially cognitive behavioral therapy is you kind of change, you know, the goal is to kind of change your thought processes and so for me, the way my therapist described it and I hope I can make this analogy make sense, but it was kind of like being in a building and all your all your fire alarms, you know, are going off and so you're like, wow, like something's really wrong, like I need to get out of here, I need to get out of here, I need to get out of here and everyone outside the building is like saying no you're fine, you're good, everything's fine. Like what there's no problem here, but you're, you know, internally, like everything is is like a mess and you're like, I have to I have to escape and that's kind of how I felt with relationships was like they're constantly red flags going off in my head. There's a lot of anxiety of getting close to people and intimacy and all those things and I was constantly um riddled with these just intense, intense anxieties. And so those are like the fire alarms going off and so what therapy and coming to terms with with my past and things like that allowed me to do was to question those fire alarms. And so instead of running away or you know, avoiding the situation or you know, self sabotage, etcetera, it allowed me to like actually create space between the anxiety and my response. And then to intern question, you know, okay, is this where is this coming from? You know, why? Why? What are the reasons for it? Are the reasons valid? And then, like, you know, is this something I should talk to someone else about? Like, a peer mentor or or my therapist, or is this something I need to pray about first, It's just allowed me to kind of question those anxieties instead of just automatically assuming that it was true. And so um with that became a lot of courage to confront those fears and to work on relationships despite them, instead of kind of being their victim, if that makes sense? Yeah, because it can be easy to just go off the emotion and think like, well I feel super anxious about this relationship, you know, in your analogy of the building, I'm in this relationship, I'm in the building, I feel super anxious, it feels like all these fire alarms are going off, Everyone else says, it's like fun, but I feel like it's not. And so the temptation could be, like you said to just like maybe leave the relationship or to not resolve some conflict that came up and said you kind of were able to just avoid going down that path, which wouldn't have solved anything and instead kind of engaged, like the feelings that you're having and then, you know, deal with the conflict or instead of, you know, just listening to your anxiety, you're able to keep loving in the relationship and go beyond just the emotion portion. Is, is that right? I'm hearing, right? Exactly. So it was, it was really helpful for that. Exactly what you're saying, awesome. Yeah, so on my end, just to share a little bit, I was aware from a young age how my parents separation and later divorce had affected me, but obviously wasn't aware to the full extent. I always knew that man, like, that was a big deal was really painful and, you know, it still affects me to stay, but I slowly realized that the root of so many of my struggles over time, you know, into high school into college because just for everyone's sake, I was 11 years old and my parents separated, they later got divorced and so in the years that followed that there's just a lot of pain and a lot of problems that came along with that, and so did some things that really helped got new friends got into my faith, those things were really good, but I still felt broken. And so I realized over time that man, so much of this Brokenness, whether it was loneliness, anxiety, depression, you know, being some symptoms, a lot of anger for me, you know, as a young person struggles in my relationships, like all those things kind of started bubbling to the surface and I was able to tie it back, at least on a basic level, like, okay, this has something to do with my family, but it really didn't hit me until even after college when I was on a flight from philadelphia to Chicago. I was just visiting my now wife when we were dating, now I visit her and her family and I was heading back and I don't even know what happened that weekend when I was visiting her or you know, why I had this thought, but something happened in the relationship, There was some struggle there, whether it was like me struggling to be vulnerable and open up or some trust issue, I'm not quite sure what it was, but I remember sitting on the plane, I was in like a window seat. I'm looking out the window into the night sky and I was just thinking like, why in the world do I struggle so much in relationships? Like why do relationships feel so much harder for me than, you know, for my friends or other people that I've met. And then as I was reflecting on it more, it just hit me that man, like I, this was never really taught, you know, I didn't see a great example of what a healthy relationship looked like in my family and more than anyone else. And as you and I know that's like our school, that's our school of Law, that's how we learned how to love and build relationships within our families. And so it just started to click for me. Like it made so much sense that I didn't know how to do this thing that I was never taught to do. And so I just saw the need to like learn that and at a deeper level to to heal a lot of the wounds that I was dealing with. And so that kind of set me on a path personally to like seek out the healing which I began years prior. Didn't just start at that point, but it really kind of hit me in the face then. And that was actually the impetus for resort. I I just had to realize man, like I cannot be alone in this. In fact, I knew a lot of other people who are struggling with similar things. And so eventually led to creating restored building this podcast and the other resources that we've developed. So, you know, I can relate to what you're saying Miranda and uh we're certainly you and I are certainly not alone. Isn't that right? And uh, and we've heard a lot of, you know, stories of people who've, you know, dealt with similar things. Um, did you wanna talk about that? Yeah. So, you know, we've kind of looked at a lot of the research that talks about how, you know, Children of divorce are affected and also Layla Miller came out with a great book called Primal Loss and we've talked about that on the show. I know several times and it covers the stories of a lot of Children divorce as adults and how they came to the realization that their parents divorce affected them. And I think they, the the hard part is for them to realize looking back why they struggled so much and they see it especially in their relationships and marriages and sometimes failed marriages and for them to realize and to make that connection is so powerful. But also I think there's kind of a especially with people who are, you know, maybe older, there's almost like this regret of like man, I wish I had known earlier and made the connection earlier and worked on this sooner and so of course, you know, it's never too late and that's like the great news, but I think it's also very helpful, you know, for them to put their experience into words and you know, we have on our blog, the story section where people can submit their stories and I think that that's really helpful because it's very cathartic for us to just kind of talk about our experiences in that way because a lot of times there's really never an invitation for us to do. So, you know, it's kind of one of those things that we carry around um sometimes, you know, unaware, but even when there's a level of awareness, we have very little opportunity to talk about it because we don't want to hurt, you know, our family, we don't want to shock our friends or um you know, be vulnerable in that way and um it's just not something that's kind of discussed a lot. I think divorce is kind of a taboo subject in a sense, like we don't want to feel like we're condemning anyone and so we really don't get the opportunity very often to discuss our experience. And I think for, you know, people who participated in books like Primal Loss or who submit their stories on our website or things like that, it's like very cathartic for them to to experience, to be able to put their experience into words. And I know that, You know, we did some research on the power of writing and how that can be so conducive to healing. And for me personally, I wrote a post called your divorce that helped me, you know, and we talked about that in an earlier podcast episode two, that helped me come to terms with how the divorce affected me, and it was just very, just helpful to put it into words and there's kind of a sense of closure with that. So, anyways, we we've done a lot, we've read a lot of the research and we've seen over and over again, people, you know, tell their stories and even as adults who, you know, maybe have been married for a long time, they notice that they are affected by the breakdown of their family and so there's kind of a a sense of camaraderie or there should be a sense of camaraderie because we are, there's a lot of us and we've all kind of been impacted by the breakdown of our family and um healing is possible, but I think it's important for us to know that we're not alone in the suffering and in the healing journey. I remember interviewing gen it was episode 11, the title of the episode was um I thought my parents divorce didn't affect me and it was a fascinating episode and she told me in the episode, if you guys want to go listen to it, you can that she honestly thought like, for years of her life, I forget exactly when her parents divorced, but it was like earlier on, and uh you know, then years later she honestly thought that just didn't affect her until she was like in her mid twenties and she had an emotional breakdown. She was on a mission trip actually in Central America, and she still actually didn't make the full connection then, but it was not long after that, because she just kind of woke up to this fact that like, man that, you know, the struggles I've had with my emotions, the loneliness that I've dealt with, like all these other issues and relationships, they had the root and the breakdown of her family and so there was this like, thawing out period or waking up people talk about different ways, you know, connecting the dots, putting the pieces together if you want to talk about it, where she realized like, oh, you know, my struggles aren't random, you know? And truly not everyone is affected the same. Like we wouldn't say that. Um there's just cases where it's like you're more likely to struggle in this way if you come from a broken family. But you know, we can say almost always from the research we've seen in the stories we've heard that going through your parents divorce coming from a family where there's a lot of extreme dysfunction that that's traumatic and it has very real effects and we don't always recognize those effects and if we do, we might not, you know, again trace them back to their route. But the good news is we have a tool to help you guys identify how you were affected so you can heal those wounds. But first man, I wanted to talk a little bit about, you know, why do you think it's such a challenge for us to recognize how we were affected by the breakdown of our families by our parents divorce because it seems like it shouldn't be that hard and some people listening maybe like this isn't that hard, but it truly is like we've heard that for this from a lot of people kind of like yeah, I don't think it was affected. I don't know how it was affected then you start digging into their life and you realize like actually there's all sorts of struggles that you're dealing with, you just didn't recognize that it came directly or indirectly from this trauma, from this experience that you had. So why do you think it's such a challenge to recognize that it's a good question? I think one of the answers to that is the cultural um dilemma we're facing, which is just a very, you know, large percentage of marriages do end in divorce. So it's extremely common. We see it all the time and it's portrayed, especially the media sometimes as either neutral or positive event. And so there's kind of this um subliminal subliminal lesson, we're taught that divorce is really, it's okay because of X, Y, Z, you know, different reasons, you know? And so we see it very frequently, we've kind of been taught, again not maybe not overtly, but at some level we're kind of communicated that it is acceptable that it is, you know, some a lot of times a very good thing. And so it kind of makes it difficult for us to um make that connection because we're in this mindset of, well, you know, divorce happens all the time, like how how can this be a traumatic event if it happens all the time. You know, how can this be a negative thing if people say that it's it's good and that it's healthy and etcetera, etcetera. So I think there's just a lot of challenges that comes with when you're kind of culture is telling you that this is okay, that it's normal, that, you know, in fact it might be even good. And so we're kind of facing that at odds with our own experience and at odds with the symptoms that it's almost like, I think we talked a lot about this how we can be gas lighted sometimes. So I think that's one of the main reasons that that it's so hard for us to recognize this as negative and that's something that has a severe impact on us. Yeah. And for anyone who isn't familiar with that term gaslighting, you might not just expanding what we mean by that. Yeah. So I believe it was like that had to do with actual lights where people, like people were like slowly dimming the lights and you know, someone's like, oh, the lights are different and they're like, no, no, they're not, they're fine. You know? And it was like, um, I think that's kind of the origin of the term gaslighting, but basically, you know, we use it as a, as a, as a word for making normalizing something or saying like there's no problem when there really is. And so it's, you know, it's essentially we're being lied to, but it's, it's very subtle. So it's hard to pick up on, it's hard to combat because of that, okay. No, that makes sense. So it's basically like a form of manipulation where someone is kind of saying like, you know, you're like, hey, you know, my foot hurts and you know, you might be like bleeding and someone's like, no, actually you're fine, everything's great. Maybe that's an extreme example, but it gets the point across. So that makes so much sense. I think another reason why it can be so hard to just like connect the dots between our struggles today and what we went through in our families is that often divorce itself is promoted as like this great thing. You know, there's this whole line, our culture that, you know, the if you're unhappy in your marriage, just get divorced and go seek, you know, happiness elsewhere. Like with another person for example. And so what can happen to us as the Children is that we, you know, since it's being promoted as it's a good thing and people might even say things like, well everyone's happier and that we feel like, well if everyone's happier, then I have no right to be damaged by this. I have no right to feel badly about it. Like do I not want my parents to be happy? Like it's such a tricky question to navigate when people, you know, throw that to you, like, don't don't you want your parents to be happy. It's like, yeah, I do, but not, you know, at any cost, we've used this analogy before, but it's like if if someone's happiness and found is found in doing something like super immoral or illegal, it's like, well, no, we're not going to promote that in a similar way. I'm not saying, you know, divorce is legal or anything like that, but in a similar way, if you know something that's truly bad for the Children is being promoted as this great thing, then we end up with this really difficult situation where the Children again think that, oh, gosh, I'm hurt by this is painful for me, I'm affected by it, but they're told that no, it's actually a great thing and it puts us in this spot where we just kind of like, don't do anything about it. We feel like we have no right to be damaged by it. What else would you add? Why? It's hard to recognize this? Well, at one point, I want to add about your what you said with our parents happiness, I think it is very difficult, you know, when people when that our parents happiness is kind of brought into the question because of course we love them and we want them to be happy. But I think what a lot of people don't know is that actually a lot of the research kind of shows that people after a divorce, there may be a temporary uptick in personal happiness, but a lot of, most of the time it goes back to where it was before or lower. So I think to that's also a lie that we've been told a lot is that like, oh, this is gonna make your parents happy and it's like, well maybe in some cases there is an overall increase in our parents happiness, but I think a lot of the times, it's actually very temporary fix and people go back to where they were before, but I think another issue is we get really comfortable in dealing with the symptoms, so it's in the sense that we're used to it and it's just our normal and it's just our, yeah, it's just, it's all we know and so I think it's hard for us to believe that there's a problem when we've gotten so good at coping with the problem and it's just for us it's it's normal. And so I think a big part of it is, especially for us who maybe experienced our our parents divorced at a younger age, you know, and we just grow up dealing with coping in the best way we know how, which unfortunately is a lot of times very unhealthy, but we grow up doing that, we can become really accustomed to it and so it becomes very difficult to see our coping mechanisms as what they are, which is coping mechanisms and a lot of times very unhealthy coping mechanisms. So I think time, you know, build those habits, which makes them hard to recognize as unhealthy or dysfunctional, Yeah, we just get comfortable, we're comfortable in our wounds, even if things are like, you know, really mess up. I'm trying to think of a good analogy, one might be like your room could be like a total mess and yet it seems normal because it's always been that way. Um and so to you, it's not messy, but if someone else were to come into your room and see like, oh your room is actually like a complete mess, there's clothes everywhere, you know, papers on the ground, like chairs flipped over, your bed's not made, like all that stuff. It's like, no, this is actually everything I knew, I never even knew, you can like organize the room then you wouldn't know what to compare it to, sort of thing. So I don't know if that's the best analogy, but I hope that makes sense. Everyone. 11 thing I wanted to add on this too, I saw a real on instagram the other day by Adam Young. If you guys aren't familiar with him, he hosts the podcast called the place we find ourselves great, great podcasts, we love it. He was sharing a story about how when he was in high school, he asked his dad, he had known a lot of friends of his that were getting, you know, their parents were getting divorced, they came from really broken families, maybe one of their siblings was like hooked on drugs or whatever, just really sad dysfunctional situations. And so Adam asked his dad, he's like dad, you know, why are all these families so messed up? Those were his words in our families, like so good and so healthy. And one of the points he made was that he up to that point. He had been physically abused by his dad, his dad like really terrorized him, he said and he actually was sexually abused by his mom and yet he just felt like their family was good and healthy when in reality it's like, no, no actually there's some like really unhealthy things going on but he didn't know any better. That was his normal that that was what he was used to. And so I think it's similar here like we can go through life dealing with you know, maybe intense anxiety, We can go through life dealing with depression, just kind of feeling lifeless all the time, struggling with some sort of injection, whether that's a substance like drugs or alcohol or maybe sex or porn and it's just kind of learn to live with it that we think its like not weird, it's it's normal for us, even even if it's not even if it's not healthy, it's not good. It's not what we're you know, made for, meant to be. So I thought that was like really eye opening. I think another reason too, you you already touched on this a little bit Miranda is that we we avoid exploring that the damage that was maybe caused by a broken family because we don't wanna hurt our parents, because if we, you know, go into that on a deep level, we might start feeling like some sort of anger or abandonment or even rejected by mom or dad, even if even if mom and dad didn't intend that in any way, which is often the case, they don't intend it, it's just what happens. Um, it might be really, really difficult to kind of bring up those feelings because we feel like if we, you know, go there, we're damaging our parents. So we did touch on this a little bit before, but I just wanted to bring light to it again, saying that this is, I think why it can be so challenging. It's almost like we kind of block out this connection again between our struggles today, these symptoms that we've experienced and the breakdown um, of our family, but anything to add to that and anything else that, I mean, I think we probably touched on this already, but I think just to emphasize that it is very painful to, to think and talk about it. And um, I think, you know, very strong instinct that we have as humans, is to avoid pain. And so it's like, why would I why would I try to, you know, feels like almost inflict pain on myself by revisiting these wounds and these painful experiences if I can just keep doing what I'm doing and not experience that pain, and so, um, it's a very, you know, kind of counterintuitive process, because, you know, we've kind of been trained to avoid pain at all costs, and so to confront these painful memories and events in our, in our past can feel redundant at best and very painful and, and, and, and difficult. So, I think it's just important to remember that, like, there is a type of pain that is fruitful in a way, which is a necessary part of healing, you know, but it but it is possible to work through it. Yeah, no, it's, I mean, there's so many analogies, like going to the dentist when your tooth is, like rotting, you know, getting a cavity filled or getting a surgery on your broken ankle, like, it's going to be painful to go through that healing, but in the end you're going to be better off. And I think that's what I would challenge people to do here, and I'm sorry if we're gonna beating a dead horse here guys, but we really want to make this point clear and just talk to this problem, because we've seen it so often, you know, if you think that you're getting by in life, if you you're comfortable where you at, where you're at, like, I get that, there's nothing wrong with that in particular, but if you want better, right, then, you know, digging into some of your past, digging into the symptoms that you're currently currently experiencing is necessary? And so if you want to become the best, you, if you want to thrive, if you want to find the love, the happiness, the freedom that you truly long for. If you look, you know, on a deep level inside yourself, if you want to avoid repeating, you know, your parents mistakes, if you want to avoid repeating the dysfunction, the divorce in your family is going to avoid hurting the people that you love the most that then you really have to heal, healing is not optional. It's required. And again, just like with physical wounds, healing is not possible until you first recognize and inspect and diagnose the woman, like a doctor cannot treat an illness that he first doesn't diagnose and understand. And therapist Adam Young, who I mentioned before, he said when it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle and that sounds super simplistic. It's like, okay, I can like put a name to what I've been through or the ways in which I was wounded, but it's so true. And another example of that is like if you've ever had some sort of um an illness that you couldn't diagnose or you maybe you've known someone who has like somewhat of a mystery illness, whether it's cancer or something else, it can be agonizing to be like why in the world do I feel this? Why? Why in the world am I struggling with this? And there's so much power in just knowing like, oh, this is the disease, this is the problem because once you've recognized and put a name on it and diagnosed it, then you can see, oh now I can seek out the tools, the treatment to overcome this, to heal this, to become healthy, whole to gain full function of whatever. Like you break your arm to get your arm healed so you can use it again um and just move on in life to not stay stuck and stay there. And so to, to help you guys do that to diagnose your wounds you can heal. We built a tool, an assessment and Miranda, would you tell us about it? Yeah. So we, you know, over the past, I don't know, a year or so we've been looking a lot very closely at the common struggles that Children of divorce face and we kind of came up with all these different categories, emotional problems, relationship problems, you know, spiritual kind of challenges. And we came up with an assessment, a survey to help us identify like those problem areas. And again, this is based on the research that we've seen based on the trends, you know, because of the hundreds of stories that we've heard about it. So we were able to come up with, I think what is a very comprehensive survey about the emotional problems, the struggles with coping the romantic relationship issues, the problems with the with your parents, um and the struggles in your relationships with God and then a few other areas and we just came up with questions about all those different issues for you to kind of evaluate where you are with those different areas and how you may still be affected in those areas. Um, and I think a lot of us we may feel like we may have some awareness of like, yeah, you know, my my parents divorced, I think it may have affected me in this way or I I do struggle with relationships, but we haven't maybe sat down to really consider it in in depth. And I think this survey will help you have so much, so much better understanding of how you're being affected and therefore, you know, open the door for healing in all of those areas. I just, I just think it'll give so much more self awareness to everyone who takes it and who maybe wants to grow, grow in virtue and have healthy relationships and undo the cycle of divorce and dysfunction in their families. So it is free. It is, you know, confidential, it doesn't take too long and that time is an excellent investment into you. Just growing as a person. It's not, you know, we're not psychologists, we're not, you know, medical professionals, but it will give you a good idea of how you were affected, how you're being affected. So you can actually take steps towards finding healing because I think without awareness of the problem areas, I just think it's very hard to work on those problem areas without first knowing what they are. And I think one of the benefits too is you kind of get it all in one place, you know, at the end of this assessment, you'll get a report of, you know what you answered basically and then you'll be able to go back and see like, oh you know, this is kind of like all of my struggles are all these different things that I've struggled with that are in one spot, one report. And so you can see, oh this is how I rated my anxiety, this is how I rated this aspect of the relationships I've been in my relationship with my parents, my relationship with God, like all these different things, you'll be able to see it in one spot because I think often um when we go through life and we recognize like an area that we struggle in um if we do tend to think about it, it's always in isolation, it's never like kind of this comprehensive, like okay these are the areas I'm strong in these areas on weekends, so it kind of gives you this sort of assessment of, okay, this is you know, in these areas that I haven't struggled in these areas that I have struggle and you kind of see it comprehensively altogether at once in that report. So there's a lot of benefits to it Miranda already mentioned. Some of them. Are there any other benefits that you would add to? You know, investing the time into taking this free assessment? I would say, even if you think you're fine and maybe you are, you know, maybe you are doing really well. I think there's always room for improvement. So I think as people who want to be the best versions of ourselves, I think this survey can help us do that. Even if maybe you feel like you weren't affected by your dysfunctional family or maybe you feel like your family wasn't, you know, broken in any way. I think there's always room for us to grow. And I think this tool will help you kind of combat complacency in your life, especially in your relationships and take it to the next level. So I think it's, you know, not necessarily just about fixing what's broken, but also improving what maybe is already good. Nice. No, I like that. And like you said, you know, it's a tool to help you diagnose your Brokenness. You can heal it. Um It also is just going to save you a lot of time from needing to research this yourself because you could, you could read a bunch of books, you can do the research that we've done. Um you know, the studies we've looked at, but it's gonna take you a long time. And so we're essentially saving you time saving you money by going through this assessment, then you needing to research all this yourself. And I've also, you know, we've seen this with the blog like you mentioned before where when people share their stories, there's this sense of just like not really feeling as alone, which which I think is powerful. So I think once you go through this and recognize like man all these questions that they're asking, I can relate to and if this is based on research and stories of a lot of other people, then they must struggle with this stuff too. Then I'm not as weird as I thought I was, I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who struggle with it. I'm not strange. I I, you know, I'm just like all these other people and so I think, I think that's really helpful. One thing I would add too is once you go through this, you can even bring the results, the report to your counselor or to your spiritual director and even a mentor and get their advice on, you know, how to heal and how to grow it again, it gives you kind of like Snapchat, an assessment of where you're at in life and the areas that maybe you need to work on. So I think there's a lot of good good there and kind of summarizing to one of the main things when it comes to any sort of healing and growth that we've learned from the 12 step programs like alcoholics anonymous. That helps men and women who are struggling with an alcohol addiction. The first thing in the 12 step program is really to admit the problem and our ability to admit the problem really rests on our ability to just recognize it to begin with and understand it. And so that's what we're helping you guys do in this assessment. So to close out if you want to take the assessment, it's really simple. Three steps, just go to my broken family dot com. My broken family dot com. You'll just answer the questions and the assessment. Again, you can be anonymous if you want to. It's a confidential thing. We're not going to like tell, you know, everyone in our audience that you in particular answer, you know, these questions, of course we can take that very, very seriously and we'll keep your particular individual answers private. And then you get to see your results. So you get to see the snapshot of of what you answered. Again, go to my broken family dot com or you can just click on the link in the show notes and again, you might be very surprised by your results. You might think that you're kind of in, in one place in life and then you realize, oh, I'm in a different place than I thought I was and that can be really empowering, really helpful to uh to grow. And so again, we've heard stories of people just kind of listening to our content or consuming some of our resources using them, who say, wow, I just, I never realized that, you know, people from broken families typically struggle with this or that, and I've heard people even who shared with me in their sixties and or fifties and sixties, let's say, who just never had the words to use to say, like, oh, I didn't realize this was like the way I could talk about this problem that I had, like, coming from a broken family and it's like extremely helpful for them, or, you know, again, like I said, I didn't realize that other people who came from broken families as well struggled in this way. So, again, go to my broken family dot com, my broken family dot com. And you can take that assessment if you know someone who comes from a divorce or a broken family who could benefit from this tool to go ahead and send them that link, or you could just send them the link to this podcast episode. So, in closing, thank you so much for listening Miranda. If you have any final thoughts, I love to hear them, thank you so much for coming on the show as well. Again, No, I, I'm excited for this tool. I think it's gonna be really helpful to a lot of people and I just encourage anyone who's listening to take advantage of it because I think it can actually be the catalyst for some really big and positive changes. So I just encourage people who might be considering to take it to go ahead and just make that investment um time wise and do it for yourself in your future relationships or current relationships. And I think you'll be really surprised at how how helpful it could be to just get started on your healing journey and to understand where you are and where you could be. I'd like to leave you with this to reflect on how were you affected by your parents force or your broken family and most importantly, how are you still affected today answering that question? Might honestly be the key to begin healing and building the life and relationships that you want to help answer that question. You could take our new assessment by just going to my broken family dot com or just click on the link in the show notes again, It will help you diagnose and name your Brokenness so you can heal it. Thank you so much for listening. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them and always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life
#089: How to Become Fit and Healthy | Dakota Lane
According to research, people like us from divorced or broken families are typically less physically healthy. If that describes you, or you simply want to become healthier, this episode will help.
According to research, people like us from divorced or broken families are typically less physically healthy. If that describes you, or you simply want to become healthier, this episode will help.
Fitness and nutrition coach Dakota Lane shares how the abuse and dysfunction in his family impacted his relationships and how he’s found healing. He also offers advice on how to become fit and healthy by answering questions such as:
How much water should you drink every day?
How much should you sleep?
Is exercise or nutrition more important?
If you have very little time to work out, what can you do?
How do you stay motivated and disciplined?
Hire Dakota or view his services
Find a coach, counselor, or spiritual director
Links & Resources
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Dakota Lane
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Did you know that according to research, people like us who come from divorced or broken families are typically less physically healthy and if that describes you or maybe you simply want to become healthier. This episode is gonna help a lot. I'm joined by fitness and nutrition coach Dakota Lane, who shares his story, how the abuse and dysfunction in his family growing up really impacted him and his relationships, but he also shares how he's found healing. He also offers advice on how to become fit and how do we get healthier by answering questions like how much water should you drink every day? How much sleep should you get? Is exercise or nutrition more important? If you have very little time to work out, what can you do and how do you stay motivated and disciplined? His story is honestly really inspiring and his advice is really, really helpful, super practical stuff. So keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents, divorce separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again, I'm your host, Joey Pontarelli, thank you so much for listening. This is episode 89 and as mentioned, my guest today is Dakota Lane. Dakota is a husband father, he's an international nutrition and fitness coach and he's the owner of Dakota Lane Fitness where he creates personalized nutrition plans and exercise programs with around the clock accountability and coaching to help you experience life at the heights. Dakota has won numerous awards, including first place in the Rocky Mountain men's physique championship, He's been featured on nine news, the coaster podcast and the Christopher nick show. He's been a keynote speaker at seek regis university, Fort Hays State University, Inferno Men's Conference and more. He's a certified personal trainer and holds a master's degree in leadership. He lives in colorado with his wife, Caitlin and their daughter. So without waiting any longer. Here's my conversation with Dakota Lane Dakota. So good to have you on the show man. Thanks for making time. Absolutely man. Thanks for having me, glad to be here. I want to get into your fitness business and how you coach people on fitness and nutrition. But before we get there, I'd like to start with your story. I'm curious how old were you when things at home became dysfunctional and however comfortable you are sharing what happened there. Yeah, so it's a pretty wild story. I mean it starts before I was born, I think it does for most of us with, with my parents, obviously on their own dysfunction in their own life. My dad kind of grew up in, in somewhat dysfunctional family but um, was just kind of his own, his own breed. Um, and just had a lot of, you know, struggles himself. He ended up becoming a navy seal actually really incredible and then a really successful entrepreneur businessman, but alcoholism, drug abuse like throughout the years, a lot of kind of just dysfunction and Brokenness there for himself. Um, hit up sobering up before he met my mom but was homeless at one point before that on my mom's side. Um she was kind of crazy if you will from from very early age started smoking and drinking at nine years old, moved to new york when she was 18, became an actress out there, very successful career, but also kind of the party scene um drugs and alcohol kind of took their course and she actually also ended up homeless living in the subways of new york and um sobered up as well. Met my dad, so that's kind of the foundation of of where they met as they say, in alcoholics anonymous, like typically you shouldn't have to addicts marrying each other and so it broke that rule to start, my mom wasn't supposed to have kids actually, she was, she was medically infertile and so both my brother and I were miracles and um kind of started off actually just on a wasn't wasn't plan and my parents weren't married, they just kinda got together and my brother happened and they started to make it work from there. So the first thing like really admirable that they were committed to like making that happen, A lot of people don't have the gift of that of parents who kind of stick around in a situation like that, but we did and even though in the beginning my dad wasn't didn't want to be a part of eventually jumped on board and married my mom and that was that and I was born three years after that. So that's kind of where things started and it's funny, I was actually um in therapy today just talking about my parents and their own personality disorders and things like that. And just learning more about their own past really gave me a lot of insight. So just to kind of make things brief, they really started kind of as long as I can remember a lot of of just abuse, mental, emotional, verbal and then later on physical and it was a lot of, a lot of just like of a controlling environment and it wasn't, it wasn't like always that way. It wasn't around the clock per se, but it was very, it was very up and down with my dad. Um it was very high and low and so just, you know, with his own dysfunction, a lot of it, he took out of my mom, but then eventually kind of more towards me and my brother. So you know, I remember many, many times growing up going to bed and just like listening and hearing him screaming at her and just, you know, a lot of that stuff that people like us who grew up into these kind of homes experience. And my mom's been through the wringer ever since. She's had cancer three times. Um the first time when I was in elementary school and then two times later on as I got into middle school and high school, um she also had a brain tumor. And so a lot of just stuff dealing with really like severe medical diagnosis is and really really sick for most of my life. Um and really should have died was really kind of on the brink of death many times and coupling that with my dad And his own narcissism and just his own behavioral stuff, there was just a lot of dysfunction. So he was sober as I mentioned. But things got really rocky my sophomore year of high school when he relapsed, he was sober for 22 years and then relapsed my sophomore year of high school. And from there it was kind of just things just unraveled. He got really heavily back into drinking obviously and then got into cocaine as well. And I think the craziest thing for me, I mean my whole life, I had always kind of had to take more of like a parental role if you will, your parents are supposed to pour into you and I seem to find myself pouring more into them. But really within those moments it was like he was coming to me for advice and not just like good advice but even just like abusive advices, I would call them like Dakota, how do I deal with your mom, Like she's so hard to deal with and I want to divorce her and X, Y and Z. And you know, he threatened divorce my entire life hundreds of times and actually file divorce papers at one point and recall them. It was more like a power play controlling mechanism. But I'm kind of seeing him on the you know that position just really unraveled and then my mom, you know going through cancer, him living with his relapse alcoholism and he ended up getting a domestic violence charge and going to jail for that. And then he got out and later on went went to jail for a D. U. I. So yeah just a lot of a lot of dysfunction and and to this day there's there's still quite a bit of function dysfunction they've they've remained married. My dad actually moved to Cancun Mexico about seven years ago. He's been there pretty much ever since lives there full time and my mom travels back and forth from Denver to Mexico. And yeah very interesting relationship and I was actually like just getting really good insight today during therapy about kind of why they've stayed married and how the interplay of my mom's own personality. Um Well personality disorders and my dad's like kind of exchange to kind of create this toxic cycle and they're both some of the most amazing people you'll ever meet which is just which is wild. Um Nobody would really ever have any clue. And I think that's the case a lot of times. Some dysfunctional people is like you don't always see it on the outside and that's what can be, it is what happens behind closed doors other people don't necessarily see. So, you know, growing up going to church, people would just see us as the lane family, you know, the successful business guy, the, you know, super loving mom and then behind closed doors of experiencing something just totally different and I think, you know, other people would relate to that. So for me it was, it's it's kinda, yeah, it's very interesting that they've, you know, stayed married, but as my mom says, you know, I made vows and I want to stay committed to those. So I've always admired that in her and you know, there's times I think, you know, justifiably that she could certainly have some more separation and now she kind of has that naturally just with the location and I think that's been a real blessing actually is that she's able to get kind of a break. So yeah, that's just to share, kind of a bit into it and, you know, it's obviously affects me and my own ways, It's affected my brother in his own ways and it's been a very wild up and down ride and we all have different, different levels of dysfunction, but it was certainly, it was, it was difficult, it was really tough to grow up in that environment and yeah, it created a lot of, a lot of really tough things to work through as I have been growing up. But that's kind of the that's the whole point. You can either become bitter, you can become better and so I'm trying to choose the better out. Thanks No man, so good. Well thanks for sharing so openly and yeah, it's a lot of people find themselves in the same spot like a ton of dysfunction in their families and even if their parents aren't officially separated or divorced, they might act like they're separated or divorced or things might be so unhealthy that they might even benefit from some time apart. So I totally get that. But man such an the word that came to mind when you were describing your childhood and just yeah, the years growing up is just intense, you know, intense dysfunction. It's like that's a ton to go through and being the man you are, you know, knowing you a little bit like I'm so impressed that you are where you are because most people do the opposite opposite direction and we'll get into all of that and you alluded to it already. I'm curious like how did it affect you growing up and all that? How did it affect you over the years? What were the main ways would you say? Yeah, it was really tough. Yeah, I mean my own temperament, I'm a very empathetic, very compassionate person and that's where it was very tough for me to kind of constantly be in these abused positions and then you know and then having my dad come back and ask forgiveness and things like that, and then, you know, just constantly taking them back, kind of, created my own toxic cycle. Yeah, I think it affects everyone definitely depending on our own personality and for me, I was really, really grateful that decently early on. I mean, it's kind of how I got into my faith a bit. Honestly, it was just kind of, I got to the point where I was like, I don't I can't do this anymore, like, if this is all life has to offer, I'm out, like, this is awful, and that's kinda how I found my my faith, but then I threw that, I found some really good people to, kind of help and started therapy early on. And so for me, it was, like, I didn't see as much of the immediate effects for myself in those moments. Um I was just really trying to you just try to stay alive and try to cope with it as best you can. It's, kind of more later on, like, getting into relationships, getting into a work life, running a business, you know, having kids relationships with the people that's really where you start to, kind of, see, at least for me to see where it comes out more thankfully, like, I didn't get into substances myself um I never, my brother, kind of, you know, he was more attracted to, like, the escapism of substances. I was much more the type of person I really wanted to enter in. I wanted to be the, like, the confront, er so I would confront my dad and I wanted to deal with something right away, and that's led to several fights with my dad physical fights, and so for me, it was like, I really wanted to deal with it, so, and, kind of enter into it, so, for me, like, where it had affected me more, was more in the emotional side, and so I I started to seek more emotional affirmation, um and so, like, with, you know, relationships with girls is really where it started to kind of impact me, was just searching for that affection and searching for affirmation stuff that you normally should be getting from your home, if you're in a functional home um that I just wasn't getting. And so it was kind of, it was an interesting scenario where I had a lot of decent, like, head knowledge, just based off my own research, my faith people that I had surrounded myself within my trajectory of my life when I was really getting in my faith in the plan on going to a catholic seminary afterwards after high school. So, I was, I was kind of coupling this whole thing of, like, building all these virtues, having all this head knowledge, but also having a ton of these just, like, behaviors that I was trying to figure out, like, man, why is this stuff so hard for me to overcome or like why am I? You know, I don't have such strong inclinations and of course it was because of a lot of dysfunction. So yeah, the primary ways was for me, looking for that emotional affirmation as a man. Um you know, am I good enough? Do I have what it takes, that type of thing and trying to get those answers? And then now, for me, it's played out later on. So yeah, I was really grateful that it didn't affect me in the same way that it does for some people in their own childhood. Like I didn't become super rebellious, I didn't become super like, violent or angry. Um in fact, it really made me dive more deeply into my own heart and if anything, it softened my heart in certain ways, which is unique. So it's kind of more so now doing the work later on to see, you know, what were ways that it did affect me and how is it still affecting me? Wow. No, it makes so much sense. And you're actually not alone in the relationship struggle piece, like how some of the effects from the your dysfunctional family came out later in life, especially in your relationships. The research that I've seen says that that's actually the biggest area of our lives that's impacted by our parents, divorce or dysfunction at home, and the basic reason is that we really lack a roadmap for love, like we've seen a really broken model of love and marriage and so when it's our turn, we feel lost, we don't have the skills that we need, we don't know what it looks like to build a marriage to build healthy relationships and so you're not alone there at all, that was certainly my story as well, but that man so much there, thanks for let me let me, I just want to mention one thing that you mentioned about the marriage piece, I think it was really critical for me, as I mentioned, I went to a catholic seminary after high school, so I was looking at becoming a catholic priest, which is pretty wild um and during my formation, you know, they do a lot of the places that I was that had really good formation and I was extremely convicted, like I would say I was 1000% convinced I was going to be a priest, like beyond a shadow of a doubt, I had so many experiences that were just beyond explanation of things and when I began really diving into my formation, the really key piece that I began to see when I ended up deciding to leave seminary was that just like you mentioned the roadmap of love that I had been given the model of marriage that I had been given, it was broken and so I realized like as a kid that I kind of made this inner inner vow if you want to call it that or this inner impression that if you want to be truly great, if you want to be truly successful, if you want to be somebody who's awesome or holy, you can't do that in a marriage because marriages are broken, they're messy. And when I began to realize healing in that, that's when I realized that like, oh, I'm actually not called to be in seminary, I'm not called to be a priest, like I'm actually called to live out a beautiful marriage. So it was just, I just want to mention that that for me it was um it was that that little shift of transition of like the fact that the math that I had had made me so jaded towards that experience that I had felt, you know, something completely different and thankfully I had gone there and I got so much good formation, made so many good friends and healed through a lot of my own issues. Um so it's cool to kind of see the way God works, but it kind of took that realization of like, wow, yeah, my my model of marriage was so broken that I just kind of subconsciously decided that I can't, I can't be a part of that. So yeah, very interesting, Yeah, thanks for adding that, wow, no and use the word subconscious and you have me here thinking, I wonder if we all on some level, those of us who come from broken families believe that we're doomed to repeat the same dysfunction that we saw at home. And maybe we believe that we can't succeed in a marriage. We can't be like healthy whole fully live people because I know that's something I've wrestled with to just even believing that a healthy marriage can exist. And then further than that, believing that I could actually accomplish that it is a real struggle. Yeah, absolutely. And I think for myself, I think there's two kind of ways to go about it. I'm a very like competitive person myself, but I think for me it was like, yeah, I think there is that subconscious, like just an underlying doubt of like, man, can I can I actually do this. For me, it was almost like I will do this, like I want to do this so badly and I'm competitive so I'm gonna do everything that I can not to repeat those cycles and that that can be a good thing, but it can also become like unhealthy because you start to like kind of be in denial and it's like you don't see how it's actually affecting you. And I think it's better to have more of just like a realistic approach of like, okay, this is what I've been through, here's how it is affecting me. Um and then for me, like I said, being in therapy is just super good um to just like be more aware, but to again, just not repeat the cycle and that's obviously the message that you provide and the message that I would echo is like that there is hope that you don't have to repeat the cycle. And one thing that was really cool when I was talking to my therapist today, we were talking about just like actually the beauty of going through some of these things, it sounds like kind of craft because it's going through, it's horrible. You wouldn't wish it on anybody but going through it like the fruits that can be born out of some of these extremely tumultuous um scenarios are just so vibrant because of what you've been through and so like some of the most successful people in the world, some of the people that we look up to, like a lot of them come from really dysfunctional place and I think it it kind of like harbors this seed in us that kind of springs forth from like these ashes that it's kind of the phoenix where it's like new life rises and yeah, you, you you do see the cycle repeat a lot, but with the right support with the right people with the right whatever it may be, like, the trajectory can be so incredible. So for me it's like, it's never a shameful thing to be like, this is where I came from. Even for my parents, if I were to talk to them like, um, you know, they're aware of like of what happened and like they're not naive to it. So for them it's like, yeah, I do. I am, I glad it happened. No, it wasn't horrible. Yeah, there's a lot of horrible things, but I wouldn't be who I am today without it. And there's a lot of things about it that have made me better, you know, as weird as that is to say, no, I checked with you 100% and I think it is amazing to see how down the road, those really painful experiences like you said, so well can then be transformed into something that's really good and beautiful and even helpful to other people who might be going through that themselves. And I love how you're a few times you've said that, you know, you've put in the work, like you've gotten the formation as a person, You've worked on building virtue, you've disciplined yourself, you have the self mastery that you're continually working on every day. Um, you're, you're pursuing healing through therapy and I'm sure there's other things you pursued as well. And I think that that's key. That's so key. I love the quote from jerry rice, the NFL receiver, he said, I will do today what others won't, so I can do tomorrow, what others can't And I love that quote so much because it's like if you put in the 1% effort or not 1% effort, but make those 1% changes, those little improvements continually over time and that's what the quote is saying, like, you're gonna be able to have something that a lot of people can't have because of where they're at, and I think that's really beautiful and I've seen that in a lot of different areas of your life, which is amazing. Yeah, no, I totally agree with that. I think that's what can be scary for people is like you mentioned a lot of these things come out later on relationships and it can be scary because it's like some of these things have laid dormant and they don't necessarily come out until later on, especially when it comes to like sexual abuse and things like that. Um I know, you know, several people who had just like really difficult experiences um like on their wedding night even um something that should be so beautiful and like giving a gift of yourself and like, even just waiting to share this moment with your spouse and it becomes a kind of a trigger of trauma. And so you kind of get to this moment of crisis where you're like, oh my gosh, like, here I am like as an adult trying to start my life and I'm having all these traumatic things come up and it can be really discouraging to be like, man, am I ever gonna have healing? I thought I thought I got out of this, like, that happened when I was a kid or high school or whatever and so I think it's important to what you said, um it's important that even in my own business, which we'll talk about it, like it doesn't matter what age you are, our bodies are so resilient, our minds, our hearts, our spirits. Like you can heal, you can become better no matter the Brokenness that you've been through, no matter where you've been and that's what's super cool but can also be discouraging. That's why it's helpful to have people to kind of rally along with you because that you mentioned, no, it's not gonna happen overnight. You're not going to go to one therapy session and come out and just be the perfect role model wife or a, role model husband or mom or dad or employee or whatever it may be. It takes worse. Yeah, it would be really nice if we could just, yeah, shoot ourselves something and be healed. It would be nice. But it wouldn't, it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be true. It wouldn't, it wouldn't honor what we've been through and the fact that This hurt happens over time, over years, even, you know, obviously sometimes it's just one instance that can cause years of trauma, but yeah, it takes time to heal that and that's okay. Um and it's not going to be perfect, but for my experience, it's, it's worth, like you said putting in that 1% work, I love that. So good. Speaking of coping and healing, what were the maybe two or three things that helped the most? You already mentioned a bunch, but I'm just curious if you would add to that. Yeah. So number one I would say, well I guess I would, I would put them as equals um therapy and then for me, I don't know how to, it would be like kind of my my prayer life or just like my my fraternity with like brothers or other other people to kind of journey with me in my, you know, healing in my faith. So therapy really I would say is the number one thing and a lot of people have bad experiences from therapy. I just had a guy messaged me yesterday, um, and was telling me about, you know, I was encouraging him, you know, man try therapy. It's so, so freeing and he was like, I've tried and they were like, they kind of almost sounded abusive and so yeah, there's, there can be bad therapists out there, just like any any rule. But if you find a good one, it's so important. Honestly. If I were to have any piece of advice for anybody, whether you had a dysfunctional family or not, it's just like go to therapy honestly, it's just a way to have somebody to help you look at your life and to be better like and that's really what we're all looking to do anyways and if you find the right person, it's just so freeing and healing. So for me, um I've had several over the years, I started in high school um as kind of just part of my own, you know, journey towards seminary and then when I was in seminary, even out of seminary in college, I had therapist, I've had, you know, I've had really good ones over the years, I've had some who are okay. The one I have now is just phenomenal. And so that's that for me has been super super healing to have somebody that you can number one go to, who's going to validate what you've been through and be like, number one, I recognize that you've been through that and that that's super messed up, but and that how you're feeling is completely normal. And I think that's a, like that's a really tough thing is that we go through this dysfunction, it affects us in these ways that make us act in behaviors or have these feelings that are kind of shameful at times and we don't like to, you know, admit to it and it's nice to have somebody to be like, you're not a freak because you do that because you have this addiction because you, you know are abusive in whatever way it's like it makes sense that you are this way because of what you've been through. So now let's take what you've been through and try to unravel in a bit and see those parts of you that have been wounded and see if we can unburden them and he feel them so that you can kind of change your behavior now. So it's important I think to to know that you're not, you're not a freak. So yeah, that for me, therapy has been one and then for me, you know, prayer has been the other one that's just been absolutely transformative. And of course not everybody shares the same faith background. But I think for me it's about having recognizing kind of like a mentions that there's power outside of myself that I don't have control over that there's a plan for my life that there is a God who loves me and cares about me, who's also in those moments of dysfunction and of hurt, who knows that better than anyone else because he was there with me in that and so entering. It's a prayer for a lot of people can, you know, that could be, it could be also triggering if it's like, you know, your dad's the one who kind of gave you these issues and then people are talking about God as a father and it's like, no, my father is like a complete a hole, but you know when you begin to unravel that and realize what a true father should look like or how God actually interacts with us, how he made us, there's there's something beautiful to that. So those are the two main things and the third thing for me which will tie kind of into my business is, I don't know how I want to say, but living a fully human life, taking care of like human functions, eating well, sleeping well, taking care of my body, making good decisions with my health. It's amazing how many things can either diminish or go away in the psychological realm when you start to take care of your body, even something like when you look at the research and anxiety and, and depression, like the amount of anxiety and depression that can either be coped with mitigated or you know, hell altogether through living a life of, of balanced nutrition, fitness and taking care your body is amazing. Um there's some really fascinating research on it, so that for me is the other piece of like taking care of myself, because a lot of times dysfunction in our life is going to, it's going to kind of lead itself to dysfunction in other areas of our own life. And so, you know, that can happen with so many people with eating eating disorders or it can happen with just not taking care of ourselves for not believing that that were worth it to, to look good and feel good things like that. So those are kind of the three things that, for me have been really transformative dude, really wise and there's so much more, I want to learn from you. I'm already learning a ton, but thanks for sharing that and that research is fascinating because I think a lot of times people think of fitness and we'll get to this in a little bit. But as just, oh, I just want, you know, big arms or a six pack or whatever and it's like, no, no, it's actually so much more and there's so many benefits. I'm glad you touched on that and I appreciate it. I want to focus on your life for a little bit more here. And the question I have is, how is your life different now that you've been doing these things to heal, to build virtue to, you know, kind of transform that dysfunction into living like a really good, beautiful solid life. How's your life better now? Many ways? Many, many ways. I think the first thing is, as I mentioned, like the healing doesn't happen overnight. I've been going to therapy since I was in high school. I've been talking about these things that I've been through since I was in high school, I've, you know, tried to make amends with my dad over the years. Like I've done a lot of work and it doesn't happen overnight. So there's still areas in my life that are um, healing that are dysfunctional. Um, I think for me, the biggest way that it's different is that I'm able to recognize things a lot better. What I mean by that is especially with things like the type of therapy that I'm doing, which is like, I think it's called the internal family system basically you, you begin to start to learn about parts of yourself that over the years have been wounded and kind of abandoned, so imagine if you will, you're the seven year old kid in your house, your dad's coming home drunk and you know, you start to hear him like hitting your mom, whatever, screaming all that kind of stuff like that kid in that position, they can get left behind within ourselves and they create these wounded parts of ourselves that then kind of stay in the path and then as a result of that we create these other parts of ourselves where the firefighter parts manager parts protect your parts and these behaviors that protect that. So now, you know every time in your life or somebody you know where you're around somebody who's drunk, it's kind of triggering and you start to get like this anxiety and it's like angry, you don't know where it's coming from, it's that part of you that's kind of left behind, it still is like that seven year old kid who who hasn't been kind of brought to where you're at. So for me recognizing those parts of myself that have been wounded, give me more insight into where I met currently, so now when I'm in a conversation with my wife and she said something and I get triggered and I start to like get anxiety or anger in my mind, I'm able to say, well that makes sense, Like that's that's the part of me that X, Y or Z. That, you know, that's the part of me that used to listen to the events and wanted to protect my mom and the fact that my wife said something, I wanted to set a boundary with my mom is triggering something in me because I've always been there to protect them to fix things for my mom. So it gives me more recognition to be able to see things how they are and so what you're able to do then is you're able to act from a place of control as opposed to acting from a place of emotion. Um and so you, you operate your life instead of like from those parts, you operate your life from where you are currently and you recognize those parts, so those parts don't control you. And so for me that's the biggest difference is that I'm able to kind of see my life because those triggers are gonna come up no matter what, like they're gonna be there. The important part is how you react to those and how you're gonna cope and deal with those. And so for me now I'm able to just better recognize and you know, take control that situation. So that's one thing and then I would say the other for me is really being able to have more freedom in my relationships with others, but primarily my relationship with myself where I think sometimes dysfunction for us can almost kind of create this disassociation with ourselves. We're just like you just don't really know who you are because you've been either told all these lies all these years, if you felt all these things or the love that you should have got, you didn't or you know, we've believed these lies that were not good enough or whatever it may be. And so you don't have a clear idea of who you are as a man or woman and what you're about. And so for me that's been really freeing to know who I am and what I'm about and I can act from that place. And then when there's behaviors, temptations compulsion, whatever it may be that come up within me, I'm able to kind of mirror that against. Is this really who I am or what I'm about or is this something else that kind of happened to me that's triggering these things. And then in those situations like when you are around those drunk people and you have that trigger because your dad is an alcoholic, whatever you're able to stop and recognize it and say, okay, that's that part of me that feels that And you can say, you know, one of the things I do is like you ask that part, if you just give me a few moments, I know that you want to come protect me and that you feel like we're in a place of threat. I'm not, I'm 29 years old, I'm very capable of taking care of myself. If you just give me a few minutes to kind of like deal with this, we're going to be okay and then I'll kind of give you the attention, you need to kind of separate those emotions from your experience so that you're not just having to react everything, we have more control. So I know it's kind of a lot of different things, but just to kind of go back briefly to the two things, number one would be recognizing again, just those environmental things inside of me and reacting to and then knowing myself better of who I am, my identity. Um so I'm acting more from a place of of my true self if you will as opposed to a place of of wounded nous and Brokenness. So good, wow! So much there and like Dakota mentioned guys, that's Internal Family systems therapy, that's one particular therapy model that therapists will practice. And so if that sounds like something that would be helpful for you and if you're looking for a therapist, I'll mention something at the end about how we can help you find one. But if you're just looking on your own, that's just a great tip. If you want to do internal family systems, sometimes you'll see I. F. S. And it can be really, really helpful. It's a very effective therapy model. It's actually benefited me personally too, and I love what you said about you kind of get out of touch with yourself almost like a friend, like boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, whatever, like, you know, you lose touch with your friends and you kind of don't know what's going on with them and there can be like frustrations between you because you're not like talking or spending time together. It's really the same with ourselves. And so I love that you mentioned all that and and one thing too that stood out to me is I think a lot of people in life just feel stuck. Like I think we just feel stuck, whether that's like our bodies aren't what we want them to be, we don't feel like we can like change that. We just feel stuck where our relationships aren't what we want them to be, or we feel so far from God, and we're like, just I don't know what to do, but I can't do anything about it? Yeah, I'm just curious like, what do you do in those moments in life where you feel stuck? Is there anything that you've learned that helps you to kind of get unstuck and move forward, because I think personally that's uh there's it's an indication one that there's some maybe Brokenness and trauma you need to deal with in two, it's an incredible opportunity for growth if you feel that stuck man. So I'm just curious what's helped you or what advice have you given to other people who feel stuck? Yeah, I would, I would kind of go back to my first point with the therapist, I think to make it a little bit more broad would be to to reach out to somebody who's going to be able to help you in in in the capacity that you need, whether that's encouragement and affirmation and just like, you know, telling you that you can do it, you can change, you can do whatever or whether it's somebody in a professional aspect who's gonna really help you to kind of overcome these obstacles and that for me has been what, what therapy has been or even if, you know, having certain mentors that I was able to go through, even if it wasn't a therapist over the years, I had several mentors who were just really critical that I could just be really open and vulnerable with and granted, you know, that's that's hard to find, it's hard to find people who not only number one you can trust, but number two who will relate because it's easier to find people, I can trust. It was harder though, you know, there's people that I could trust, that I could tell everything about my family and they just like, I don't know what to do with it because they've never been through themselves and like I don't know how to deal with that. Um so finding somebody who can relate to it and speak into it, and I think for me, like as humans, we're just we're made to be relational. I think that's why this dysfunction can be so so damaging is because it's the relationships that are dysfunctional, that are damaging, it's not just that you're sitting in your room, like thinking about thoughts about yourself that are creating this like spiral of dysfunction, it's relationships that are dysfunctional, and so in order to heal those, we need to have healthy relationships. And so that's why whether it's a therapist, whether it's a mentor, whether it's just a really good friend that you trust, reaching out to somebody to be able to share your stuck nous if you will or to share where you're at, but obviously already has the opportunity to kind of have that. And so, you know from a different perspective, I guess for me it's that's where prayer or just like self reflection has been so important. Um the reason why I would distinguish like prayer from self reflection and self reflection, for me, I'm very introspective anyways, but it was still more about like just me and kind of like me changing my life and and me fixing myself where prayer was more about like being transformed, um and not me transforming myself, but me allowing grace because of the way that I was created in love by love and for love to be able to be transformed and so that for me, like whether it's prayer self reflection of being able to just like honestly take a look at your life and you know, see is there another perspective that I can look at this from? You know? Yeah, maybe I'm so discouraged that I've tried to lose weight so many times my whole life and I just never have and maybe it's not because you actually like maybe it's not the actual weight loss itself, Maybe there's something else, like from a different perspective, there's something emotional, something that's hindering it and once you're able to heal that then like then it kind of fix it. So it's like thinking about things from a different perspective I think is is important because that's where the starkness I feel like for me comes is that when you're just looking at this thing the same way, the same perspective, you just beat your head over and over, like why can't I change it or why can't I heal this or why can't I do this or be better? Whatever it may be, you're just constantly like going to the same angle, like take a step to the side and then you're able to see better. So yeah, easier said than done obviously, but I just like I guess a couple of things for me to that that's been helpful, No, so good and you you reminded me of a couple of things that have been really helpful in the business world. One of them is don't just think through your problems, talk through your problems and we have different personalities listening, like introverts, extroverts all that. But this applies to everyone because one of the things I've learned is um if you look at a brain scan, when you're like thinking through a problem, your brain will light up a little bit, especially in the prefrontal cortex, you're like forehead section for everyone listening, which is where your executive functions are like your problem solving, you know critical thinking, all that when you think of your problems that it lights up a little bit, but not much, but when you actually talk through your problems, that area of your brain is like on fire if you look at a brain scan, which means you're gonna way better be able to overcome those problems. So when I feel stuck or when you know in the business world like team members that I'm working with, when they feel stuck that the first part, like you said it is like talking about it and it seems kind of silly for some people, but it's like no, that actually really helps and even on the level of your brain it can kind of kick you into a higher gear that you didn't even know was there and help you to like solve these problems. That's one thing and then the second thing is that, that I've learned is doing like really small things to move forward. So it's like yeah, you're not going to be able to maybe, you know, if you're just getting in shape so spend two hours in the gym doing all these like complex weight movements, but you can go for a walk, you know, you can, you can maybe go swim if you like that or go for a bike ride, like something really small, you can start moving forward. I found that to be really helpful and then on the belief factor you mentioned this a little bit. One of things that has been helpful for me to is just learning that what we believe about ourselves actually like dictates our actions because in a way we, we tend in life to act in a way that aligns with our beliefs or or another way to say it is, confirms our beliefs, it's kind of weird to think about, but you know, if you believe that you're like this worthless, you know, out of shape fat person and you're always going to be that way, what's the likelihood that you're going to act like someone who is disciplined and fit it, It's really low. But if you start to change, like you said that perspective, so the perspective you start to change, like what you believe about yourself, seeing that No, maybe I am that way right now or I feel that way, but I can change that, I can become someone different, that that can be what it takes, like having that growth mindset I think is what we're getting at, there is just really, really big, like you can change, you can grow, you're not just stuck in the way that you are now, so so much good stuff, there was anything to add there before I move on, just on the last part, I think that that was my experience, I would just describe it as like fake it till you make it almost like and that was my experience in college, like I just, I wasn't super confident, I was very insecure which people wouldn't have thought that like I had already been working out for a while, so I was pretty, I was in pretty good shape and so people thought I was kind of confident, but I wasn't and I remember my girlfriend in college just telling me like just fake it till you make it, nobody's gonna question if you act confident and so it's kind of like what you said and it really did, it transformed my whole mindset, like when I just started to believe again this is who I am and this is what I'm about, it really began to change my actions um so I think it's it's really beautiful and a lot of the people that I work with whether that's in fitness or even just like mentally I do, like a lot of like life coaching type stuff. A lot of the people who are stuck. It's exactly we mentioned, it's just like those repeated inner dialogues of like, I can't do this, why would I be able to do that? I've never been able to do that. I'm always going to be like this and a lot of times yeah, if you continue to tell yourself that you're gonna, you know, you're going to speak that and it's gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna see it happen. Um so yeah, I think there's something to it about just kind of faking it till you make it there you go, no love it. And uh one of the things, if it's okay, I want to brag on you for a second, like the way that your life is different now from what I've heard you say and how I know where you're at in life, you're now married, you're expecting a baby, which is amazing. You, you know, have grown a successful business, which is just exploding, you know, you have a house, you have a really good life. So I think it's beautiful to see how someone who comes from dysfunction like you and I do can then go on and like you've done build something really beautiful life and I'm sure there's things you're always working on want to improve, but um just a contrast for people, it is possible and I hope hearing Dakota story, everyone gives you hope that it's possible for you to appreciate that. It's been quite the journey but there is hope for sure if your parents were listening right now, what would you say to them? What would you want them to know? Mm That's a good question. Yeah. I mean I touched on it a little bit earlier. I think that was one thing when I used to start speaking more about more openly about my story was always kind of that fear of like what if my parents heard this like when they'd be so ashamed or and it's like, well it's your reality and they're very not like they know if I, if I, if they were listening, it really comes down to me. Like I mentioned seeing it from a different perspective where yeah, it's easy to kind of throw out the word dysfunctional out of abuse and yeah, it's certainly true that that's what happened. But a lot of what happened also like was there was a lot of growth and there was a lot of beautiful things that came from it. So while it was really tough, like I'm grateful for a lot of the ways that they, that they did try to be their best and and thankfully like, as I mentioned my parents, if you meet them, like incredible people, some some of the most like just interesting, complex human beings and you know, just really incredible individuals and with their own Brokenness and so I think for them, it's like understanding that you operate this way too because you've been through your own things and I think that's one thing that can be freeing if, you know, depending upon your situation of this function is like seeing it from a different perspective, like hurt people, I'm sure you may have said this before, like hurt people, hurt people people who are hurt, hurt other people. And so, you know, seeing my parents, it's like they've been hurt in ways and it's not like they just wanted, it's not like they woke up one day and they're like, man, I just can't wait to make this extremely dysfunctional family to create a really hectic situation for my kids to try to get out of this. Like nobody, nobody thinks that nobody wants that they're operating in away from their own parts. As I mentioned, their own internal parts and their own wounds and they're acting in ways that are trying to help protect themselves. So it's like, if I were to tell my parents, it's like, I recognize you did the best you could was there ways you could do better. Absolutely. And there's ways that, you know, my kids will say the same about myself, but not only that, but like as I mentioned, there's always room for healing and growth and the fact that there's wounds doesn't mean that it was just all bad and I think sometimes when I talk to my mom, she, she thinks that I'm like, I'm just so sad that like all your whole childhood, you just think of it as like bad and you're just sad and I don't, I really don't like there was a lot of beautiful memories and a lot of beautiful experiences and I'm grateful for the challenges that I was faced with that I was able to kind of rise up to the occasion through, you know, other people healing and talking through it and and all that type of stuff to really become who I am today. So you know, I'm grateful, I'm grateful that they've done the best they could and that they were there and the ways that they were and you know, I still look up to them both in incredible ways. I just texted my mom the other day like she's the strongest person I know and it's so true. So yeah, there's, there's still a lot of gratitude there despite the hurt and that's, you know, that's come from a lot of years of, of healing. There's still a lot of hurt and anger there, but but you can start to see it from a different perspective when you have kind of more empathy, good stuff man, thanks for sharing that I want to shift to fitness to your business. So you are a coach, a fitness coach and nutrition coach and we'll get into kind of exactly what you offer because I want to make sure that people listening who, who need the help, who want to help can reach out to and work with you. But I'm curious starting out like what sort of transformations have you helped people achieve? Oh man. Every type you can imagine from you're a guy who's like £400 and wants to lose weight to a drug addict who feels like they have no control over their life to your stay at home mom who's like, I just want to look better and feel more confident in my close to your like ceo executive type people who are like, I'm firing on all my soldiers in this capacity, but I feel like I'm failing in this capacity. So really like every type, you can imagine people with autoimmune disorders who have, you know, rheumatoid arthritis, who have, who haven't been able to open a jar of pickles because their hands are so sore and helping them to live a life of freedom to act. You know, athletes to um are functioning well and really good at what they do but want to be better. So really like every type of individual, I would say for the most part it's pretty typical like life transformation weight loss type stuff because yeah, I work with mostly americans and a lot of, a lot of americans aren't in the shape that they want to be. Um I work with people all over the world though, which is interesting the different cultural aspects, but yeah, pretty much every type of, of transformation. But I would say the best part about what I do in my most favorite part and the most impactful part is those internal transformations. And I would say I've worked with over 700 people now and I've never had one where it's just been simply like, you know, I just want to get better shape. People might start that way and might start like, hey, I want to get a six pack or I wanna look better in my bathing suit, but it never ends that way. There's always something along the way where it's like, wow, I feel so much more transformed in X. Y or Z. And and that's, you know, we'll get two more like that, that body spirit, the body soul component, the relationship of them. You can't really impact one without the other. So you can, you can try to just get healthier and you can and you can try to leave it at that. But at least for me, in my experience and journey with people, it's always about something more and those that internal freedom, the internal joy, the internal confidence, rewriting that internal dialogue. That's the transformation that I love to see. And it's so cool to see how it goes beyond just the fitness area, how it impacts different parts of their lives. And it makes sense because you know, if you imagine on the flip side when one part of your life starts to break down almost like if you were to have a flat tire, the rest of your car isn't going to drive the way it should. And so if you get that part of your life together, it makes sense that it would transfer to the other parts of your life too. So good. I wanna, I wanna kind of rapid fire some fitness class to you that I know a lot of people think about wonder and if it's okay, you can answer them as quickly as long as you want. Um how does that sound? Yeah, sounds good to me, awesome. So water is obviously a really important part of fitness. How much water do you advise that people drink every day? Yeah, that's a good question. I mean in general, I think the Mayo clinic says like for men around a gallon for women, like three quarter gallon, I would say if you're shooting anywhere between like a half gallon, two gallon. So if you're looking at like ounces, you know, shooting for like, let's say 7200 and 20 ounces. Like that's a really good range to shoot for. I will say that most people the vast majority way under drink and if you want just like one way that you can really just like make yourself feel better, drink more water Sounds so simple. You've heard your whole life. I promise you try it for like the next week, try to get a half gallon or a gallon in every single day and you will feel completely different. I would recommend in terms of like how to get more water. Like are there any tips or tricks you've learned of like maybe having a huge water bottle and carried around with you or something like that because I know a lot of times people can just be like so busy so I didn't get up to get water any tips on that. Yeah, for me, when I tell my clients is like, I mean I always carry a big water bottle with me anyways, but obviously having it with you is important, but the best way to stay ahead is just to get ahead. So in the morning this is another little tip. Obviously most people go to coffee first thing, our body is made of coffee, our body is made of primarily water. So if you want like the fastest way to wake up, like right when you wake up, just drink like a couple of big glasses of water, your body will appreciate it and it will tell you that it appreciates it. So that's for me is like the easiest way to stay ahead is just like get a bunch in the morning. So like I used to drink a half gallon in the morning. Like when I'm just like stretching, praying, I'll drink a half gallon and then the rest of the day, it's like easier to kind of keep up, get a big water bottle and then just like, usually it'll be like every meal, just try to get, you know, 30 ounces or 20 or 30 ounces. It seems like a lot when you get in the habit, it'll be easier. And then like over the course of, you know, your day, 34 meals um you're getting closer than in the morning at night, if you work out, get more water. So yeah, just a little easy way to try to get ahead, but it will it will totally make a difference. Yes, you will have to pay a lot more so you have to navigate that, but it's a big way to just increase quality of life, awesome. So helpful. Yeah, I know exercise and nutrition are both obviously important, getting in shape, but is one, would you say more important than the other that you need to prioritize or do they just go hand in hand? Oh no, 100% nutrition is going to be much more important. Exercise certainly is important when you're looking at different transformations, like again, if you're looking at fat loss, you can lose fat with just nutrition, it's a lot harder to do that with just exercise. You can, if your nutrition is not complimentary to your exercise doesn't matter what you do, it's not gonna happen and when it comes to gaining muscle, obviously you're gonna have to work out, you can't just like eat your way to gaining muscle. But if you just like to use an analogy, I mean you're looking at the car like nutrition is gonna be like the gasoline, that's gonna be the thing that makes it run the engine, the gasoline, the workout is like going to a body shop and like putting tints on your window, like getting better tired and rims like kind of, you know, spiffing up your car a bit, making modifications. That's like more of the exercise, but the nutrition, like you got to have that to make it run well, so that's definitely the most important. Okay, and how about sleep? I didn't plan to really talk about this much, but I'm just curious if there's any quick tips there, Like how much did you get in any best practices? Yeah. Well, just to mention like, everybody knows again, sleep is important and I can't stress enough, like how important. Um if you just like look at some of the research, people who get like five hours or less of sleep, like typical B. M. I. For people's bodies are gonna be way more dramatic as far as like the obese category than people who get 78 hours, the stress that it causes in your body and the way that that it manipulates your hormones, particularly cortisol almost make it impossible to lose weight. So you can have your nutrition, you can have your exercise, you can have everything, like in check if your sleep is out of whack. It can totally undermine everything that you're doing. So how do you read recommend prioritizing that obviously nowadays is pretty big topic with like blue light with people's phones, Like trying to minimize the amount of blue light you're getting like an hour before bed is gonna really help your body to get into deeper m cycles and deeper sleep. And then, yeah, just like trying to prioritize to make sure you're getting a solid amount, but super, super important sleep. It's like the only time really that our body has to do so much of like the maintenance and healing. It just doesn't happen when we're awake. Like it's even like our brain the way that our body kind of like heels and just like does maintenance on our brain like it. And that's why if you're like lacking sleep like in the seals when they have hell week and they don't sleep, like you start hallucinating like you just will not work right now. Is there a particular like our count like six hours? I mean 7 to 8 is still gonna be the typical recommended. You know, different people. It's gonna work differently. Our bodies can, they can be trained differently so you can kind of train your body to work off less. But I would say strive for at least seven where possible. Like having a bunch of kids may be tough. But yeah, ideal. Yeah, no, I get that a good thing to shoot for and uh let's say someone is, you know, super super busy, like maybe a single mom who has two jobs and kids and all that. If they have very little time to work out what can they do? Yeah, it's a great question. I get asked a lot. There certainly is situations like you mentioned where it's like they literally don't have time. The first thing I'll mention is that usually people have more time than they think they're just not making time. I hear it all the time. Hey, I don't have time. It's like, okay, let's look at a detailed breakdown of your schedule and like let's break it out hour by hour, minute by minute. It's like, oh, there actually is time, like here's some waste of time, here's some waste of time here a couple little early or whatever maybe. So usually we can make time, but if not like kind of like you mentioned little things that you can do going for walks, you know, parking further away from the store, so you're having to walk more, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, drinking more water. Little things that you can do just to keep your kind of like what we would call just like your daily activity rate higher so that, you know, standing at your desk, I work from standing desk, things like that, even that expends energy, So little things like that, but as I mentioned, like most people, even like 2-3 days a week could manage to get 30 minutes in. Um and you can certainly get some really good exercising within like 30 minutes to three days a week. So I would say if you're not able to get 30 minutes to two days a week, like either you do have like the most insane life I've ever heard of, or maybe we just need to kind of look at your schedule and see how we can work a couple of things around because it might take some sacrifice. But like I have parents that I work with who have five kids. I actually do have a mom who works two jobs and has kids and she's killing it. And so yeah, take some time. Maybe you have to invest into a babysitter here and there, I can promise you like the dividends that you'll get back from, those little sacrifices are gonna be worth it because you can't give what you don't have and if you're not taking care of yourself, you're just not gonna be able to give as much. So that's like the main theme is like this self mastery, taking time for yourself is going to lead to a better self. Yeah. And even financially, I've seen it where it's like you, you know, if if you get in better shape, like you can perform better at your job, sort of business, you can be more confident. Like it's insane how, you know those sacrifices that we make like for example, like hiring a coach like you, it's like, I don't know if I could afford that, but people normally just focus on the cost but I don't think well what could come of this and you can get 10 times as much as you're spending or more if you just put in the money put in the time. Absolutely No, I totally agree. How about motivation and discipline? Like obviously motivation is not gonna last. So you need discipline. Any tips or tricks there. Yeah, I wish there was good tips and tricks. I will say if there was a tip or trick, the thing that I found most successful for people and it's going to depend on your temperament but make it about more than just you make it something bigger, Get other people involved. I've had clients that I'll encourage and I'll do this myself like, but especially clients that I have to work out early in the morning, Sometimes it's just hard to get up and so I'll have clients like, alright, you know, people will write books and dedication for other people. People run marathons for their nose cancer. People dedicate movies. Let's dedicate your workout. So text somebody the night before and tell like texture on who you haven't talked to in a while who you know might be just kind of feeling lonely and be like, hey just checking in, see how you're doing it while it's you know like tomorrow morning five a.m. I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna work out and I'm dedicating it for you. You can make it a prayer, you can just make it a dedication intention, but you make it a lot more than yourself. You're much more willing to show up when somebody else is on the line than when your own like your own egos on the line. It's much easier to show up at the gym if you know somebody's gonna be there waiting for you so you can get somebody to kind of get involved in this. Um, and it's a win win because you're helping them as well. So getting other people involved I've seen is pretty successful for the discipline factor and and just making it about more than more than just yourself. Yeah. It's really cool to see clients who will pull it in and it really kind of creates can create a cool community parents like setting examples for their kids and their kids starting to hold them accountable like their kids will know my plan and so they'll know what their parents should be doing and they're like, I wasn't gonna work out and then my kid was like wait mom, aren't you working out and so yeah, just having somebody to help keep you accountable but not in like a checking way like, hey are you doing the right thing? If not your failure. No, like in an encouragement way of like I'm gonna do this for you and I'm gonna dedicate this for you and you know, I hope that I have the strength to do this to get through this so that you have the strength to get through whatever you're going through a little things like that. So yeah, discipline is always going to be the big thing, motivation certainly doesn't last. And I declined last week asked me that, you know, Dakota, how do you keep going? You been doing this for 10 years? How do you keep going every single day? For me? It's just not even a question anymore. It's like, it's just a well, do you have to ask like, do you have to ask yourself, am I going to go to work tomorrow? Like usually not unless you have some time off, like well how do you keep showing up to work if you don't want to go, if you, if you don't love your job? Well I go because I need to make money, but what does money do? It provides a better quality of life? Okay, well that's the same thing for me. So I need to invest in my health because I want a certain quality of life. You don't have to work, You could just not go to work tomorrow if you want, but yet you still go every single day even though you don't necessarily like it because you want a quality of life. So for me it's the same thing I don't, it's not even a question of like am I gonna eat healthier workout? Like of course I am because I want a certain quality of life and I need to do that in order to achieve that quality of life. So for me, the discipline of it is about more like it started off certainly is like trying to get attention and wanting, you know, coping with my own issues, whatever. Um it's turned into a lot more of like I wanna build virtue. I want to set an example. I can do hard things. I love to do hard things like I feel good doing hard things. Nobody's ever felt better sitting on the couch going instagram for an hour. Like you might think it's gonna be relaxing, but it's not, but I've never had somebody who's regretted going to the gym to make themselves better. So so good man. Love it. And what's one thing that someone listening right now can do to either begin their journey down the fitness and health path or maybe go further than they are right now. What's one thing that they can do today? Well if I had to give like the best like the cream of the crop advice, it's gonna be the same thing as I said earlier, reach out to somebody who can help you with it. Having having a coach or a therapist or whatever, having a coach isn't for people who don't know what they're doing. It's for people who want to be the best at what they're doing. Michael Jordan's had a basketball coach until he retired. Why not? Because he wasn't professional basketball, He's the best player of all time because he wanted to be the best because he wanted to get better and better. So yeah, obviously having a coach in some respect is if you don't know what you're doing, but it's simply for wanting to the best. So one thing you could do would be to reach out to somebody, is there is there one person that you've seen consistently just like they're always posting their workout? So they, they seem like they're just such a dedicated individual. Ask them like ask them some advice, hey, how do you get into your fitness journey? Do you have any advice for me what I can do today or you know, hey, can you just like take me for a workout sometime and kind of show me stuff. It's, it's good to get advice from people. But other than that, like one thing yeah, you could do, I would say is like for the nutrition side, start avoiding like processed foods. If it comes in like a package bag, you know, you want to avoid it in the grocery store that's kind of easy. Like stay on the perimeters, don't go into the aisles. It's kind of a general thumb like they have the vegetables, the meats, that, the eggs, like all that kind of stuff on the outside. All the inside stuff is like the cheez, its Oreos, the Doritos, that kind of stuff. So avoiding, you know, processed packaged foods and then again, just starting simple like, okay, tomorrow morning, I'm gonna get up a little bit earlier. I'm gonna walk for 20 or 30 minutes outside or inside. I'm gonna listen to a podcast. Um, whatever it may be just something that is going to be a little step towards progress. So yeah, just don't be hard on yourself. But I would say, you know, sticking to whole foods, drinking more water and then trying to have at least one piece of activity per day for like 20-30 minutes. Really good. And just in closing out this session, I'm curious what's your advice to people who maybe feel hopeless about their body? Like they want to take care of themselves, but they never work out or perhaps they're injured or disabled. What would encourage when you give to those who feel hopeless? Yeah, it's, it's, it's the same advice I give to people with dysfunction. Dysfunctional families who feel hopeless about it is that there's absolutely hope like you're never too old. I, I literally am just starting with the client. I'm writing this program now. He's 73. Um, I've started with people in their 50s who have like never worked out before. It is never too late to change our bodies are extremely resilient and extremely complex, amazing creations. It doesn't matter if you've been overweight your whole life, it doesn't matter if you've had an eating disorder your whole life or whatever it may be. It's never too late to kind of change it around your body will adapt. And so I just don't give up a lot of people, especially in the weight loss world, you know, they've tried everything. They feel like, you know, I've tried every single diet after every year, I try this New Year's or whatever may be, and I just always fail, I'm such a failure. So it's like, you don't even want to try anymore because you just feel like you're gonna fail again. Well, all it takes is one time to be success. It doesn't matter if you failed 156 times. All it takes is that one new time to be successful. So I would say, I don't care if you fail for the rest of your life, at least you're not going to be, you know, stuck with people who never tried, at least you're gonna be somebody who's trying to try. But I can promise you, if you keep trying, you're gonna end up succeeding, especially if you get the right people in your corner to to support you. So yeah, find those people find somebody who's gonna be able to support and encourage you and who's gonna believe in you because sometimes, yeah, you don't have that belief in yourself, somebody else might and they can kind of help, you know, kick it in gear when you need it. Great advice man, thanks so much for spending the time and for giving us all this advice if people want to follow you, where can they do that? And what products with services do you offer? Yeah, absolutely. So my business is called Dakota Lane Fitness. Um, so the website is just Dakota Lane fitness dot com Ela and it's like the street and yeah, I do, I do all customized fitness nutrition coaching. So basically I build personalized exercise programs and customized nutrition programs for people all over the world and then I walk with people as they implement them, I teach them how to implement it, give them accountability coaching, help them to troubleshoot the issues and achieve whatever goals are looking for. So yeah, website like I said, Dakota Lane Fitness dot com instagram is just Dakota Lane Fitness, all one word, facebook, Dakota Lane Fitness. So yeah, pretty much Dakota Lane Fitness all around. And uh yeah, I'm always happy if people ever have questions, even if you don't want to use my services or my coaching, I'm an open online, any time you can email me decode Elaine fitness at gmail dot com, ask any questions, finishing questions, nutrition questions, life questions, whatever. Maybe I'm an open line, happy to provide any advice that I can, thanks so much. That's super generous man and your business is blowing up. I just want to give a plug Dakota has like, you know what, what 20 something countries, people, seven continents pretty wild, wow. And you've worked with hundreds of people you're certified physical or I'm sorry, physical, personal trainer, nutrition coach, like all that stuff you have the credentials and you've just been able to like really, really help people transform their bodies, anything you would add in terms of that. Um, yeah, I mean, like I said for me earlier, like it is of course about body transformations. People come to me because they want to get in shape. What they end up finding is like deep down what we're really asking is, hey, can you help me be happy? That's what we're all searching for is like I want to be happy and people come to me because they think that getting shape is gonna make them happy in some ways. It definitely will, but there's a lot more than just happiness involved. Our bodies are going to pass away. So yeah, well it's great to take care of it and to make it look really good. We know that it's not going to go with us, we can't take it with us. So it is something more and for me it's, it's really about, you know, giving the honor to my body, the gift that I've been given and knowing that the relationship between your body and your soul as you may with a flat tire, like if one thing isn't working right, the rest of you isn't gonna be working right. So um, yeah, just taking care of yourself. You feel so much better. Like I can't, I can't tell you how many people that I work with who are just so used to living a quality of life of a 1990 broken on Honda Civic. And they don't realize that their quality of life could be a 2022 range rover and they don't realize that cars can work that well because they've been so you working the way it is, you know, being tired having aches and pains lethargic, no motivation. Just worn down. Like that is not normal. That's not how life has to be. Like there is such a bright, beautiful life out there and that's what I really want people to experience and that's what's been awesome to help so many people with. So yeah, I say that that's my last thing. So good. Thanks so much. And guys, if you want to check out Dakota will link to the social pages and then also to his website and it's one fun thing you could do guys is just check out the transformations he's been, he's been able to help people achieve, which you know, you'll see the physical transformation, but like he said, knowing that there's so much more going on in terms of making that person better, stronger, more virtuous, so Dakota thanks so much for spending so much time with us. Really appreciate, man, I want to give you the final word. What encouragement would you give to someone who feels really broken, who feel stuck because of their parents did or because of their broken family. Any final piece of advice, which I'm sure might echo some of the things we discussed before. Yeah, I would say just keep going. Um it's never, it's never too late. Like I said, there is such beauty to life. Life is really a miracle. The fact that we're, that we're here on this planet, like everything that had to happen for us to be here. Like the odds are stacked so far against us. So the fact that you're here already, it means like you're a champion, you already won, you got the gift of life. So in that respect, like there's so much even more beyond that. Like the beauty that life has to offer is out there. And unfortunately a lot of us were born in situations where that's not our first experience. Like I mentioned, I got to a point where I looked at life and I was like, if this is all life has to offer, I don't want to be part of it, thankfully. I started to see that there was a lot more. Um, and I hope that people can, can start to believe that if they don't and if they can see that maybe I can't see it now, Maybe I don't even believe it, but take my word for it, that it's out there and you keep searching for it, you're gonna find it. So reach out to people who you respect, who are living a life that you want to live. Like, you know, reach out to people who you admire and are living a life that, that looks beautiful. Um, asking for advice, open up to people um, and just be willing to be surprised that life could have a lot more to offer than you even realized. I hope that conversation was helpful and it was for me and wherever you're at with health and fitness, my challenge for you is this what's one thing that you can do this week to grow and improve and then do it, don't overthink it. Just do it. Just pick one thing that you can do this week to grow and improve when it comes to your physical health. And if you'd like to consider working with Dakota, I definitely recommend it. Head to his website at Dakota Land fitness dot com. Or just click on the link in the show notes And as Dakota said, one tactic to hell is really finding someone who can guide you, like a counselor or a coach. But so often it can be really difficult and time consuming to find someone like that. If you've done this search, you know how time consuming it can be now thankfully it restored. We're building a network of counselors, coaches and spiritual directors that we trust and recommend. And by using our network, it's just going to save you lots of time and effort in searching for that counselor that coach or that spiritual director and then you also find a competent professional that we've vetted, that we trust that we recommend. And so to find one, it's really simple. Just go to restored ministry dot com slash coaching again, restored ministry dot com slash coaching. Just felt the quick form on that page takes less than a minute and then we'll connect you with the counselor coach or spiritual director. When we have one for you again, go to restored ministry dot com slash coaching or just click on the link in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, make sure to share this podcast with them and always remember you're not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
#088: How to Respond to Your Pain in a Heroic Way | William Scheremet
When William was in high school, his home was riddled with emotional pain and conflict. Eventually, his parents got divorced. That led to struggles in his relationships, especially with handling conflict and breaking up prematurely because he didn’t want to get hurt.
When William was in high school, his home was riddled with emotional pain and conflict. Eventually, his parents got divorced. That led to struggles in his relationships, especially with handling conflict and breaking up prematurely because he didn’t want to get hurt.
But the pain didn’t end there. After suffering from neglect and severe bullying, William was involved in a horrible accident that left him severely injured. In this episode, he shares what happened and how his pain now has purpose. He offers advice to anyone suffering too.
Visit William’s website or YouTube channel
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
#087: A Special Operations Tactic to Stay Calm and Function under Stress | Tyler Morris
If there was a technique used by Special Operators (Navy SEALs, Rangers, Special Forces, etc), firefighters, paramedics, and high performing athletes to stay calm during stressful situations, think clearly, make the right decisions, and avoid overwhelm, would you want to know it?
If there was a technique used by Special Operators (Navy SEALs, Rangers, Special Forces, etc), firefighters, paramedics, and high performing athletes to stay calm during stressful situations, think clearly, make the right decisions, and avoid overwhelm, would you want to know it?
That’s what you’re going to learn in this episode from a firefighter and paramedic.
Find a counselor, coach, or spiritual director
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
To contact Tyler, email contact@restoredministry.com and put “Tyler” in the subject line.
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To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.
As a bonus, you’ll receive our free guide, 7 Tips to Build a Thriving and Divorce-Proof Marriage!
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Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
#086: The Best of 2022: Restored Podcast Highlights
In this episode, you'll hear six short highlight clips from the podcast in 2022.
This episode, and the podcast as a whole, will help you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents’ divorce, separation, or broken marriage, so you can feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
In this episode, you'll hear six short highlight clips from the podcast in 2022.
This episode, and the podcast as a whole, will help you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents’ divorce, separation, or broken marriage, so you can feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
If you’re new to the podcast, this is the perfect way to sample our content and learn how it will help you. If you’re a longtime listener, this is the perfect episode to share with someone you know who needs to hear it.
Thanks for listening! We do it for you.
Featured Episodes
#078: Ashamed of Your Past? It Doesn’t Need to Dictate Your Future | Crystalina Evert
#063: The Antidote to Trauma | Margaret Vasquez
#082: You Deserve Better than a Broken Life and Relationships | Kailash Duraiswami
#081: What to Do If Fear Holds You Back in Life and Relationships | Dr. Rebecca Showalter, PsyD
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Enjoy the show?
To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.
As a bonus, you’ll receive our free guide, 7 Tips to Build a Thriving and Divorce-Proof Marriage!
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Welcome to the Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents'. Divorce, separation, or broken marriage so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pontarelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 86, and to close out the year, my team and I wanted to share highlights of the Resort podcast.
And so you're about to hear six short clips from episodes published this year. And if you're new to the podcast, this is actually the perfect way to sample our content. And if you've been a dedicated listener, first off, thank you so much for listening. Uh, this is really the perfect episode to share with someone you know.
Who needs to hear it. And these episodes you're about to hear are in no particular order. My team and I enjoyed all the episodes that we published, uh, but we obviously couldn't put a clip of every episode in this particular episode. And so, uh, we had to narrow it down and we used popularity feedback and some of the episodes that just stood out to us.
And by the way, after hearing. The clip, uh, you, if you wanna listen to a particular episode in its entirety, but maybe you forgot the episode number, you can just go to the show notes to find it@restoredministry.com slash 86, or you can just click the link and the description. I'll remind you at the end as well.
Our first episode is episode 84 with Sister Miriam James Hyland. It's titled, angry at God, why People From Broken Families Struggle Extra in their Relationship with Him. And in this clip, sister Miriam talks about what makes trauma so damaging and ultimately what heals that trauma. And by the way, just a little background, she mentions part of my story when I was 11 years old, my parents separated and later divorced.
And when my mom broke the news, It really came out of the blue. My siblings and I had no idea that my parents were separating, and it completely overwhelmed me. It shattered my world, and I didn't know how to deal with it. So I just hid in the closet and I cried, and that's what she refers to in this clip.
I agree with you and I, I also think that in that same line of thought that it's. Suffering in communion, which is actually healing. I mean, imagine, just imagine in your story as a little boy when you're in the closet, if somebody in your life that you trusted would've come and sat with you there and just said, Hey, this is really hard and this is awful, and we can be honest about that.
And you know what? I'm not leaving you. I'm not leaving you. I'm going to be here for you. I'm gonna give you space for your emotions. I'm gonna let you cry. I'm gonna let you rage. I'm gonna let you feel sorrowful, and I'm not gonna leave you. I'm gonna be here with you. And I think for all of us, if we look at the deepest sorrows, part of the prob, uh, not problem, part of the heartache is that we feel so incredibly alone there.
and that's, I was listening to a a, I was sitting in on a class for trauma experts, many, like a year or so ago, many months ago. And, and there was all these trauma experts like Bessel VanDerKolk and Peter Levine, like all these people that are on the forefronts of like scientific discovery of what heals trauma biologically like in our bodies and.
They were saying that it's actually communion that heals trauma, not modalities, not even, you know, internal family systems or E M D R, like those are modalities. But they said ultimately what heals trauma is communion. And one of the therapists was saying that all of us have these wounds, that they were these primary wounds.
But she said surrounding every wound is a secondary wound. And the secondary wound is having nobody safe to tell it to, of being totally isolated. And so when we look at some of the deepest sufferings of our. Many times those are surrounded by a ring of isolation and a ring of, I'm all alone here, I have to take care of myself.
Nobody cares about me. God has forgotten me. This as good as it's gonna get. Like all those things. And those are very real places where it's like a taste of hell. It's like a taste of hell. And if that, and if that's what's true in our lives, we would do everything we could do to avoid that. And that would make sense, doesn't it?
Like who wants to sit there, but. If God is present there. If God is present there and he's bringing about something far more than I can understand, well then that that opens a little bit of light on something different.
The lesson that love intimacy, friendship. This key to healing trauma is really powerful. So basically a group of people or a person that can walk with us through the pain, through the problems is incredibly healing. But so often there's serious barriers that prevent us from having those relationships, from building those relationships, especially when it comes to our relationship with God.
And for so many of us who come from broken families, we've downright rejected God, or maybe we struggle a lot in our. With him, or maybe we've felt abandoned by him or rejected by him, or like he just doesn't care about us. And if that's you, this episode with Sister Miriam is really gonna help as we talk through those really tough topics.
Like we don't pull away, we don't shy away from those tough questions. And even if you're not Christian or you don't believe in God, uh, you're still gonna benefit a lot from episode 84. Next step is episode 78 with Lina Everett, ashamed of your past. It doesn't need to dictate Your Future. Popular speaker and author, Lina Everett shares in this clip how her parents' divorce and even her grandparents' divorce affected her.
There was a. Stuff it Growing up, the thing is, because I didn't have a father growing up, I really gravitated towards my grandfather. Hmm. And I spent a lot of time over my grandparents' house and because my mom was a single mom and she did her best, I mean, she really did. God bless her. And I had a lot of anger growing up towards my mother.
But being a mom now and being married and stepping outside of this, this situation and kind of looking in now, a lot of it makes sense, right? Yeah. Because when we see our. Acting out or getting angry or yelling, or they're going through their own dysfunction. And as a child, you almost feel like it's your own fault.
You know, or that you're just this burden on your parents because they're having to deal with you or, or you're having to go back and forth between parents. Some of you out there are experiencing that and sometimes you may have felt like a burden and at times I felt like a burden. Right? Yeah. And I never was re like, I felt like I never was affirmed in, you are valued, you are wanted, you are loved, and.
that was hard. Mm-hmm. and I didn't do well as a child in school. I hated school. I was kind of the problem child out of my sister and I, I only had a sister, so it affected me in a lot of different ways. And again, growing up with that, it really, that wound, you start learning to live out of that because that's kind of the home base of where you're living going through that trauma day in and day out.
and always wonderful. Why wasn't I enough for my dad to stay? Why didn't he love me enough? What's wrong with me? You know, why did they break up? Was it my fault? Is it, was it my problem? And these things going on. And then you slowly silence those voices and you just kind of go through the motions, cuz you get used to it, but it's really just causing that deeper wound that you're just shoving down, right?
Mm-hmm. and ignoring coping mechanism. And so I really gravitated towards my grandfather, but he ended up leaving my grandmother. when she was, I think 50, 50 something years old, and I was devastated. So I felt like I went through it all over again of my grandfather leaving and I felt abandoned again because wow, I wasn't enough for him to stay.
I wasn't enough for him to be there, and that broke my heart. And so at that point, I think that's when I really made a personal vow almost of I will never let a man. And love me because all he's gonna end up doing is destroying me. So I'm gonna be confident, strong, smart, amazing woman, and I'm gonna take care of myself and I'm gonna be prepared that if I do get married at the end of the day, I'm gonna have my own bank account, own money, my own, my own wits about me that I'm not gonna have, I'm not gonna be left behind by someone like a piece of trash.
At a 11 years old, I remember laying on the stairs crying, thinking that to. Because my grandmother had to witness how devastating it was for her and I'll, I'll never forget that. And it was so sad watching her cry and sob and, and I didn't fully understand everything cuz I was so young. But at the same time, it really had a deep effect on me.
And at that point, I, I just cut my grandfather off. I won nothing to do with him, so. Mm-hmm. , not just one man left, but two. And my grandfather, I think was even worse because I had a really. Stable relationship with him. And um, even when he did come back to try to have that relationship with me, I just completely rejected him.
I wanted nothing to do, which was hard, but I was so hurt. That's the only thing I knew how to do. And that was the other thing. I trained myself in that woundedness and brokenness just to keep people out. Don't let them in because you're just really gonna end up getting hurt so slowly. It's like you're building that wall up around yourself to protect yourself.
Like you, you keep things out, but you're also keeping so much in too. And you, I couldn't experience that real love for a very long time. It was very hard for me to accept it.
Now, thankfully, Crystal's story doesn't, and they're in that episode. She shares how she's healed, how she's grown, how she's found peace, and the wholeness that she's lunged for. But there's an important lesson in her story. Our wounds cause us to put up walls around her heart, which is completely understandable because it's a self-defense mechanism.
It keeps us safe during perhaps traumatic times in our lives, but later down the road, those defenses become a problem. They prevent us from experiencing the love that we long for. Why is that? Because authentic love isn't possible without vulner. Authentic love isn't possible without vulnerability. And so if we want to experience the love that we've always longed for, we can't push everyone away.
We have to learn to be vulnerable, which requires us to first heal and learn how to take down those defenses. And Christine offers more good advice and inspiration in episode 78. Next up is episode 85 with Layla Miller, how to Build a Beautiful Marriage Despite Your struggles as a daughter of Divorce, an author Layla Miller.
Join me to discuss how women who come from families where the parents are divorced, struggle in unique and often extra ways compared to women who come from a family where the parents are married,
right? So if, if. if you're standing on a firm foundation of your parents having been together. My parents before my father passed away, they were married for 54 years. Hmm. Lots of fights. My dad is a hot-blooded, was a hot-blooded Arab, and my mom was a stoic kind of, you know, with English background and immigrant versus Ohio girl.
A lot of differences. And there were quite a few arguments, you know, and things were very loving. and yet also very volatile at times. So there's, there's this e experience of being in kind of sometimes rocky, rocky days with your parents, and yet there was never a fear. That love ends. There was never a fear that, oh my gosh, what's gonna happen here?
I'm, I'm, I'm kind of careening off, uh, off a cliff. I was very secure. I had no, no issues when they fought, it's like, gosh, that's a bummer. You know, no child likes to see their parents fight, but I knew that divorce was off the table always, and so that security was there. That is priceless. To give that to your child is just, is absolutely priceless.
For the child of divorce, we have an, there's an analogy here in the, in the book, it's, it's like standing on an ice, an ice cap, you know, a, a floating iceberg, and you could kind of navigate that. If it's firm under, you're like, okay, I'm just standing on this. It's, it's a little rocky sometimes when a split or divorce happens, it's like, okay, the ice ice cap breaks the iceberg.
It, you know, and now you've got one foot on one side and one foot on the other, and things start to move and shift and you're really having trouble keeping your balance. And people might see that you're still standing. Okay, look, she's still standing. Look at that. She's doing great, but you're really putting everything into this and, and it is exhausting, and you're scared and you're anxious, and you're afraid you're gonna fall.
And then there might be. , your foundation might have split once, but what if your foundation has split with subsequent divorces? Then you've got, you know, four different ice pieces you're standing on trying to stay afloat st to stay upright. You know, and then some, some pieces might float off, like step grandparents that you loved, but they're gone now.
Or, you know, step-siblings and other parent, you know, stepparents that left. You are navigating so many different things, trying to just stand and it is exhausting all the time. And it can lead to just, again, depression and anxiety. And there's an idea that you're gonna use a coping mechanism that you might have used as a child in your own marriage.
So you're, you're in your marriage and things are, things are happening with your husband. Maybe there's some conflict. You don't know any better than to use these coping mechanisms that might have kept you afloat, right? Yeah. As a child of. But that don't necessarily work when you're talking to a husband, so that's a real problem.
And, and these are self-preservation measures. Things like ignoring problems or trying to minimize things or, or putting up a per a perfect facade, trying to be perfect all the time, or, or isolate cutting yourself off and being very independent. Well, those things aren't gonna work with a husband where there needs to be intimacy and there needs to be friendship and, and, uh, communication and understanding.
So there are all these different things that are happening, and yet you, you, you're, again, you're, you're someone who is, is expected to pull this off seamlessly and you might look good from the outside. It might look like everything's going well, but inside you're just a complete mess and you think that everything is, you know, falling apart and, and inside you might be falling apart.
So, Appearances are deceiving. You know, when people suddenly implode and leave their marriages, a lot of times it's because all of this just blew up and, and they just, they just couldn't maintain this balance anymore. So we have to really be aware that it's normal to have these, these wounds, but we have to give the daughters of divorce the tools.
To overcome those wounds and be able to have the stable marriage so that we can, you know, heal the generations.
Perhaps Layla just described you or described someone you know, and if so, I recommend listening to that episode, shopper's Advice for navigating those unique challenges and healing. Those wounds. And she also touches on what to do. If you're married to someone from an intact family, they might be totally unaware of what you're struggling with.
And by the way, this episode's not just for ladies, it's for men as well. You're gonna benefit a lot from, and again, that's episode 85. Next up is episode 63, the Antidote to Trauma with Margaret Vasquez. What is the antidote to trauma? You might have asked that question. Another way to say it is what is the opposite of trauma?
And Margaret, who's a retired trauma therapist with over. 15 years of experience offers the answer in this clip.
Let's see. I, I use the word antithesis because I see it as like the opposite of trauma. Hmm. Right. If like, trauma is what we are not made for, and so therefore it does damage to us on all different levels, physically, emotionally, spiritually, cognitively, relationally, you know, and the list goes on. Then if that's true of trauma, then connection is that for which we're made and it's really that by which we grow in personal integration.
Like meaning, like our personal sense of self, our really our ability to, to really feel comfortable in our own skin, which is a really big deal. And to be able to relate to others with a sense of starting with the needle on full instead of the needle on empty. Mm-hmm. . So we're really able. To relate from a sense of freedom where it's really, I can engage with you from a place of being filled up first, and so then it overflows to you rather than going into.
each interaction. Really hoping that this desperate need in me somehow gets filled up by this person. And that's just such a, a setup for crazy making, you know? So I see connection is really, uh, what we're made for Becauseso. It's what causes that, that personal integration and that. True peace and joy and freedom between people and relationships and that sense of, of growing union with God.
That clip really just only scratches the surface of the whole relationship framework, the connection framework that Margaret offers, and I definitely recommend checking it out, especially if. Stuck or maybe depleted in your relationships. A lot of good tips and advice when it comes to healing, uh, yourself and your relationships.
Again, that's episode 63. Episode 82 is our next one. It's titled, you Deserve Better Than a Broken Life in Relationships with my friend Kalo de Swami. And so often when we experience trauma, when we're wounded, we act out in ways to numb that pain. That was the story of my friend Kalo. The wounds from his broken family set him on a trajectory in life to live a life of extreme pleasure, of success, of excitement care.
In this clip,
that's the kind of interim. Because then after I graduated college, I moved to Silicon Valley and I was a software engineer, and that's when things really went out of control. Yeah. Because that's when I was starting to make a lot of money and I had much more agency in. My control over my day. Yeah.
Control over my friends. And that's where a lot of those habits and indulgence, indulgent behavior from high school was like 10 x. Yeah. And that's where I had a lot of trouble with. Same thing, a lot of drinking and partying, hard drugs, club drugs, music festivals. I mean, I did everything crazy. You can possibly imagine.
Not many people know about this, but I have tattoos all over my body. You would never believe that. I didn't know that. Yeah, you would never believe that. Yeah. If you knew me, no one could believe that. But I made tons of these irreparable mistakes. Yeah, and I, same thing just meant the, the ultimate pleasure I saw it was the company of women.
Yeah. Ultimate, I mean, That with drugs big time, I just, I had to pursue. I was compelled to pursue that compulsively. I couldn't say no. Yeah, there was, and this is what my existence was and again, professionally things were okay. They, they were great by most metrics. Not to my standard of ambition, but they were very good.
I could support myself in San Francisco, very high rent, no issue. I had a great career as a software engineer, but that fueled. crazy lifestyle. I'm telling you like the most insane experiences you can imagine in Vegas, the most, you know, partying with literally Silicon Valley billionaires. I mean, I've done that.
Yeah, I've been there in an immense pursuit of self-gratification through the pleasure of. what we feel in this world. Mm-hmm. . And that all pointed to a lack of morality. And it pointed to a wound that I had that I, I couldn't, I needed to make myself feel good or this is what I should be doing. This is what successful people do.
This is what the cool kids are doing. You know, all these things are so reverberating in my head. Yeah. And. . I know because I had friends that I grew up with in the same community who were from the same background as I did, who. Had the same professional life, so to, you know, essentially. And they didn't do those things like they could refuse.
I know people I grew up with never drank, you know, very similar family background, didn't drink, didn't do these things. Mm-hmm. . And they could live in a stable way. I could not, like, I could not live in a stable way, whatever weekend it was. It wasn't just that I had to go to the bar with the friends, it was like, no, we.
I mean, I don't even know the legality of it, but basically do a bunch of illicit drugs. Yeah. And there was a lot of stuff that I had, I was compelled to do and I think it points to the wounds of my childhood for sure. Yeah. It was the pain that I felt, the lack of stability, the lack of identity, and I thought very much, and I was, I had the agency very much.
to solve this problem through pleasure. Mm-hmm. , essentially. And that's, that's where I was when I really got to rock bottom, which was when I, I lived with someone and we were in a relationship and we, we met. in college and we would do drugs and we'd party. And she was in a very wounded state and I was in a very wounded state and we were wanted to be together.
Yeah. Forever. And, you know, we committed to each other and blah, blah, blah. And it was, it was terrible. Yeah. I mean that, that's sore and bad combination. Yeah. It was just a, a nexus of, and she's doing great now, by the way. God bless her. I'm actually very happy that she got through it as, But we would, we, we had a friendship based on partying and, and doing drugs.
And then we had a relationship based on it, and it was, it was not, uh, It was a recipe for disaster. We can put it mildly like that. And that's what, that's where I was.
Kala's story is amazing and if you listen to that episode, you'll hear how his life took a major turn. After the 2016 US Presidential election. Surprisingly, it's a really a mind blowing story with tons of great lessons and a lot of inspiration. And if you feel empty or stuck in life, perhaps you're pursuing pleasure, pursuing some way of coping, uh, to just compensate for the wounds you've endured to numb the pain that you're experiencing.
Listen to this episode. You're gonna learn a lot from it. Again, that's episode 82. The final episode is episode 80. One, what to do if fear holds you back in life and relationships with Dr. Rebecca Showalter. And if you wanna heal, if you want to grow, obviously you have to ask the question, how does healing happen?
And that's the question that psychologist Dr. Rebecca Showalter answers in this clip.
Personally, my what's, what makes the most sense for me is, Is to start with how does healing just happen in nature when the human brain doesn't have to get involved and figure it out? How does it happen? And you know, there's tons of evidence for that everywhere. The body can heal itself of physical injuries, mo a lot of physical injuries without intervention.
In fact, Usually what we have to do is get out of the body's way. You know, if there's a significant cut, we just have to make sure that that cut's protected so that it can heal. And we all know those, you know, I grew up with my brother's just a year young. One of my brothers is just a year younger and he and his best friend all throughout our, our adolescents.
Their, their legs were just constantly torn up because they, they would just re itch all these bug bites and all these scars, and they just were forever reopening these wounds, . And of course, as a teenage girl, I just found it so disgusting. I didn't wanna be anywhere near them . It's like if we had to sit next to each other in a car or something, I was just, but that's, that's a good example of we can prevent healing.
Physically, uh, we actually don't do much to make our bodies heal themselves. They it, that's really all there. If the trauma is significant enough, then we do need to intervene. You know, if, if the bone breaks to the degree that it needs to be reset, then we certainly need to, to do that. So it's not, you know, they're, we have ERs for a reason are, we can't, you know, rely on, on the body to be able to heal everything at least quickly enough, you know?
Bleed out first. So that's, so one of the things we wanna do emotionally is, is understand, okay, what do we need? How do we need to protect the natural process that the body goes through? How do we clear away the things that would get involved? And one of the things that gets in, or gets in the way of, of healing is our own defenses.
That early on we learned a system of defenses that are really crucial and helpful to survive different aspects of our childhood, whether it's at the home, whether it's at school, el, you know, anywhere else. We want to be very mindful of, of the defense structures that were necessary as children, but are no longer necessary, in fact, are impacting, impeding, hindering our, our own emotional healing.
So that's one layer of it. The other layer is, another layer is what, what does emotional healing look like? How, how do, when we remove all obstacles, are we prepared for what happens? And this is a difficult area. To heal emotionally, you have to feel, there's no way else through that. You have to do what you weren't able to do at the time.
So, as an example, if a child is, if there's a thunderstorm happening and the child in its right overhead and the booms are loud and the lightning is, is sharp, and you know, lighting up the sky, it's gonna terrify a child the healthiest way for a child to adapt to. Is to feel all that fear as it's happening with and in the presence of, in the arms of the parent or the, or the, the caregiver who can say, I know it's really scary.
It's okay that it's scary. I'm right here. and I'm gonna do everything I can to protect you. And the, the whole idea, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't be angry, don't be angry. All of that trains us that the very thing that we need to heal us is wrong, is bad. So we have to, so we really have to relearn that.
And this is where it gets tricky talk therapy is it can, it can take it, it takes a very skilled therapist, I think, and a very willing client, a, a, a client who's got a lot of motivation to, to really. Persist in retraining somebody's system to feel when they believe that such an odd, such a, a deep, you know, primary consciousness level.
They believe that feeling is not good. Is not safe. They're not actually supposed to feel. So, so there's some reworking there. And I, I'll bring in one more element to this question, which I think is important in psychology. We. Focused on healing, but we're also focused on development. And so one of the leading questions we have when going in working with a client is, how has this person advanced through their own development?
Have they advanced or is there places in ways in which their development has been stunted? Are they underdeveloped? So if you have a lot significant amount of emotional. Abuse, um, that you've been, you know, at the mercy of growing up, most likely you're embedded in a community and around people that aren't emotionally developed themselves or else they, they certainly wouldn't be allowing that environment to be as it is.
And so it's very hard to learn how to develop emotionally around other people who aren't emotionally developed. So part of healing in a way is, is actually. Growing and, and, and developing, thriving. Like for example, I broke my collarbone a few years ago and, uh, for a few months I had to, I, I was protecting it as it was, as it was healing.
And at some point the bone totally healed and, and the muscles were totally fine around it, but my shoulder were still sitting out of place because I had. All the muscles that were supposed to hold it kind of back were, had atrophied, had lost all of their development. So even though healing had taken place, I was unable to to access my potential in my shoulder until I redeveloped those muscles.
So, yeah, so, so heal the question about healing is really important, but the language of development is almost always alongside of it for us.
Again, if you feel stuck in life, I'd propose the idea that your untreated wounds are what's holding you back in. And in order to get unsuck and experience the joy, the freedom, the happiness, the love that you long for, you have to heal. And so listen to episode 81 to get more tips on healing. Again, that's episode 81.
Alrighty, that's a wrap. Again. All the episode numbers from the clips that you heard are in the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 86. You can just click on the link in the show notes, access those if you wanna listen to the whole episodes. Thank you so much for listening and invite you to do two things if you found this content helpful.
Go ahead and subscribe so you're notified when new episodes go live. But most importantly, if you know someone who's struggling from their parents' divorce or broken marriage, send this episode to them. Even now, you can say something like, Hey, I just listened to this and I thought of you. Or, Hey, I thought this might be helpful given everything you've been through in your family.
Go ahead and share this with them. I'm sure they're gonna be grateful for, and by the way, if you're new to ReSTOR, we exist to help people from broken families. To heal and build virtue so they can feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in their own lives and relationships. And the main way we do that is by producing content that makes healing simple so people actually do it, such as this podcast, books, speaking engagements, workshops, and mourn.
In addition to serving that audience, people whose parents are separated, divorced, or have a really broken marriage, we also provide content and resources for anyone that. Or lead someone from a broken family, such as a, a teacher, a therapist, coach, parent, pastor, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse relative, and so on.
And so you can access our resources@restoredministry.com. Again, restored ministry ministry singular.com to see how we can help you and the people that you love or lead. And just on a personal note, I really appreciate your support for the podcast and for our nonprofit this year. So many of you have shared the podcast with people you know, or written amazing reviews, and I really can't thank you enough from my team here at Resort.
We're just honored to serve you and we really wish you the best in this next year. And always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
#085: How to Build a Beautiful Marriage Despite Your Struggles as a Daughter of Divorce | Leila Miller
If you’re a woman with divorced or separated parents, have you struggled a lot in your relationships? If you’re married, has marriage felt extra difficult for you? If so, you’re not alone.
If you’re a woman with divorced or separated parents, have you struggled a lot in your relationships? If you’re married, has marriage felt extra difficult for you? If so, you’re not alone. That’s actually common as our guest today shares.
In this episode, we discuss the struggles that daughters of divorce face in marriage that daughters of intact families typically never have to deal with and more:
How you’re not doomed to repeat your parents’ mistakes
Stories of marriages in crisis that turned things around
Tips for women from broken families on building a good and beautiful marriage
Advice for any parents in really difficult marriages
Women Made New, a new book on healing for women that features a chapter on marriage for daughters of divorce
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Get the Free Guide: 7 Tips to Build a Thriving & Divorce-Proof Marriage
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you're a woman whose parents are divorced, have you struggled a lot in your relationships? If your married has marriage felt extra difficult for you? If so, you're actually not alone. That's a really common struggle as my guest today shares, and in this episode we talk about the struggles. That Daughters of Divorce facing Marriage that daughters of Intact families typically never have to deal with.
We also discuss how you're not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes. My guest shares stories of marriages in crisis that turn things around completely. We offer tips for women from broken families in building a good and beautiful marriage that men can benefit from too. We share practical tips on how to build a virtue such as the four parts of any habit.
And parents, my guest offers advice for any of you who find yourself in a really difficult marriage. And finally, you hear about Women Made New, a new book on Healing for Women that features a chapter on Marriage for Daughters of divorce. This is a really awesome and really helpful conversation, so keep listening.
Welcome to the Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents'. Divorce, separation, or broken marriage so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 85. My guest today is Layla Miller. Layla is a Catholic writer and author whose passion is church teaching on marriage, family, human sexuality, and while pretty much all moral issues, she also loves to discuss culture, society, and politics, and generally from a conservative perspective.
She has published four books. Primal lost the now adult children of divorce speak raising Chase Catholic men. The practical advice mom to Mom made this way. How to prepare kids to face today's tough moral issues. Co-authored with Trent Horn of Catholic Answers and her latest Impossible Marriages redeemed.
They didn't end the story in the middle Lila's first blog, the Little Catholic Bubble was a hub of good conversation and reason debates, and though it's been retired after eight years, it remains online as an. Lela and her husband have 32 years live in Phoenix, where they are still raising the youngest three of their eight children, two girls and six boys, ages 31 to 12.
They currently have 12 born grandchildren and two more in utero and still can't believe what's happened to them these past three decades. Considering how it all started, that Layla says that God is so very good and merci. So if you can't tell by now, there's obviously talk about God and faith in this conversation.
If you don't believe in God. I'm so glad that you're here. I challenge you to listen with an open mind. Even if you take the God parts out, you're still gonna benefit greatly from this conversation. So without waiting any longer, here's my conversation with Layla Miller.
Layla, welcome back to the show. It's been a little while and I'm really happy to have. Thank you Joe. I'm always glad to be here with you and, uh, try to help a demographic that's not really helped very often. So here we go. Yeah, there's such a need as we've talked again and again about, and I'm excited to talk about the new book and your chapter in the new book, and I think it's really gonna be a tool, something that's really helpful, uh, for people from broken families, especially women.
From Broken families because, um, well, we'll get into the exact topic. So I'd like you to kind of tee us up there. What is the book about and your chapter in particular? Sure. So a while back, Kristalina ever asked me if I would contribute a chapter to a book that she was compiling and the book was just released and it's called Women Made New.
It's an EWTN book and what she asked me was actually very intriguing because she's had me on her show a few times to talk about just the pitfalls of being a child of divorce and the different effects in their lives. Cuz she herself is a child of divorce and we've had really good conversations just like you and I have had.
But she, she gave me a topic that was so intriguing to me and she wanted to help women because this particular book, of course, is specifically for women. Although I do think that men could also. She wanted me to sort of compare and contrast what it is like for a child of divorce, a daughter of divorce, to approach marriage or to be in a marriage, versus someone like me who was a child of an intact family, approaching marriage, living through a marriage, you know, going through the years and I thought, wow, that's a.
That's an interesting exercise. And so with the help of our mutual friendly able, who is a child of divorce herself and a contributor to, um, my book, primal Loss, she helped quite a bit because she has done a lot of research in this herself, but I was able to, We kind of discussed those particular pitfalls that a daughter of divorce has that I, for example, never had going into a marriage.
So, and, and we never think about this, right? I, I don't know. I never thought about it. I don't even know if the daughters of divorce actually think about this consciously, but I know I never did. So I got married 32 years ago. I'm from an intact family. I approached the alter with really not really any anxiety at all.
I, I knew that there would. I knew it was a lifelong commitment. First of all, I knew there would be. Problems in marriage. There always are. I knew there would be fights. I knew there would be probably, you know, tragedies along the way. And so all the whole thing, good times and bad, basically the vow, I kind of understood that.
Yeah, that's, that's what we're getting into. Never occurred to me to be concerned about the permanence of the marriage. It just never occurred to me. So you kind of go in almost relaxed, you know, if, if, if you're marrying a good guy, it's not really, uh, an anxiety producing situation. Well, I guess that's not always the case with the daughter of divorce because they are coming into a marriage with so many different wounds, having watched their parents fail essentially at, at doing marriage, that they're going in with a bit of a handicap, if you wanna put it that way.
And so I kind of took a look at all of those different wounds or different ways that that daughter of divorce might approach marriage in a way. That needs to have a spotlight just so that she is aware, like, okay, this is not typical. This is because of the wound from my parents' divorce. Yeah. So we can, we can talk about some of that, but that's basically what she wanted me to do with this chapter.
Amazing, and I'm so excited to read it, start to finish. I've, I've read a little bit of it and I'm already blown away. I think it's, it's really fascinating, like you said, to kind of compare and contrast the different experiences because they are very different and that's a, I think just the key point we want people to walk away with again, I don't think.
As a culture, we look at divorce, we look at broken families, and we say that, well, it's not a big deal because it's so common. It's in fact normal. It's seen as normal, and we're kind of expected to be resilient as children and to move on through life in our careers, in our friendships, in our re uh, romantic relationships and marriages.
Kind of unscathed, but the facts do not bear that. The facts showed, like you said, that there's a lot of struggles, some very serious consequences and negative effects that you have to deal with if you come from a broken family, typically. And one of the researchers who talked about this, which we've touched on a little bit in the past, is, A woman by the name of Dr.
Judith Wallerstein. She was at the University of California Berkeley. She studied children's divorce for 25 years, and she said that one of the main takeaways from her research is that the biggest area of your life that's affected by your parents' divorce is your own marriage. And so we're gonna get into that further, but everything you said just rings so true and it aligns with the research.
That I've seen on this topic. And before I go any further, I just wanna give a little bit of a side note if you guys wanna listen to Leanne, uh, who Lela mentioned. She, uh, came on the show in episodes five, six and seven. We did a three part series on the nine common struggles of adult children of divorce.
It was actually based on Lela's book. Primal loss. So we kind of summarize, uh, the really the most common struggles of this relationships, marriage being one of them. And so if you wanna check those out again, that's episode five, six and seven. But isn't that fascinating how the research bears, uh, that as well that this is like such a struggle for people like us who come from divorced families.
It really is. And uh, and if you think about it really makes sense. Marriage is foundational. It's, it's actually a natural right. For a child to have a married mother and father. It's a God-given, right? And then when that foundation is shattered, that is the model. What is, they call it the School of Love.
You know, the the family. So when that model is blown to bits, we can expect that going forward into relationships, there are going to be huge problems, gaps in understanding, lack of tools, lack of knowledge, and then to go into a marriage, which is. Of course, by its nature, permanent and really want it to be permanent.
I mean, again, every, every daughter of divorce goes into a marriage wanting it to be permanent. But the tools aren't there. The tools aren't there. And, and so the, the first thing I just wanna say to everyone out there is this, is this feeling of isolation or anxiety or fear or lack of trust. These lack of tools, this, all these difficulties, this is completely normal.
There's this silence on this issue where every child of divorce, but really every daughter of divorce, every bride going into a marriage thinks that they must be crazy. You know, it's just, it's unique to, to her alone, and yet it is. Not, it is quite universal in fact, and that's actually relieving to a lot of people to understand that you feel like you're alone when you're having these feelings in your marriage and feeling like you're failing so badly.
And yet it is a very normal common experience for someone whose foundation was shattered to have to deal with these issues in her marriage. Mm, no, that, that's so helpful and one of the ways that I like to think about it. , we really lack a roadmap for love and marriage. We've seen a broken model of love and marriage, and so when it's our turn, we, we feel lost.
We feel unequipped, as you said, to build a good, beautiful, thriving marriage. Uh, because again, we didn't see it ourselves. And our parents example is ingrained into us. It's programmed into us on an subconscious level, like you said. And so what I've seen too is not only do we feel lost, but they actually tend to pick up their tendencies, their virtues, or their vices.
And so if that, you know, if there were more vices when it came to the relationship and you know, for example, not handling conflict well or just being disrespectful or again, like abandoning your family like that, that example is ingrained in us so that even on a subconscious level, we might act from that without even wanting it.
We might want a really beautiful love, a really beautiful. But because of the example we've seen, unless we're very intentional about overcoming that, and of course relying on God's grace as well, um, we can go down that same path, which is really scary. And it's a fear of everyone listening who comes from a broken family.
Absolutely. Right. And so there's almost this, like you said, it's, it's almost unconscious where you just. In the back of your mind are thinking, okay, when am I gonna have to leave? Or when is he going to abandon me? And, and it's kind of this running loop that can be in the back of your mind that you're not even necessarily aware of.
Although some people are, some people do actually. I've had daughters of divorce tell me they're squirreling away money in a, in a sock drawer. For the day that they're very saintly husband. Cuz a lot of times these guys are great, but they fear that there's just gonna be a time where it's just not gonna work out.
It's just, it's just not gonna work out. And, and if you, if what you have seen as a model is that conflict leads to permanent separation, well that's all, you know, that's what you've seen. And so you have this, I guess we could call it a defective witness. So there's this fear that things that are this, this is the part that just makes me so sad as someone from an intact.
I could have arguments with my husband throughout these years. I could have even big arguments and not have the fear that divorce was gonna be thrown around as a word or that, that, that he was going to leave me or that I was going to leave him. Like, it just, it's a safe space. You can be in an argument with your husband and even not talk to him for a couple days or whatever, and not fear that the, that the whole thing is gonna fall apart.
And yet this defective witness that, that the daughters of divorce have is. A conflict makes her feel like the relationship is ending. It is a catastrophic feeling from what I understand that Oh no, it's, it's, it's over. This is a catastrophe when in fact it could be just a normal marital spat. So it's really, I mean, to think, and again, I, I, I come from it almost ashamed that I didn't realize how, how much suffering went on in, in many marriages, because to have that kind of burden and that kind of anxiety on your shoulders all the time, waiting for that other shoe to drop, so to speak, is just excruciating.
What, what a burden, who can carry that kind of burden in addition to just the normal burdens of marriage and life Anyway. Right. No, and you hit on a point That's I think just such. You hit a nerve basically for our listeners, and that is this whole idea of conflict too, in addition to marriage. Overall conflict, like you said, can really be this kind of field of landmines where you're walking through just trying to, you know, not set anything off to the point where it can become really unhealthy.
And so I'd love to get into that further with you. But really in general, I'd love for you to break down for us. The difference between the woman who comes from an intact family and the woman who comes from a divorce family, how they experienced marriage. So the question really is, you know, what have you learned about how a woman from an intact family approaches marriage differently compared to a woman from divorce?
Right? So if, if you're standing on a firm foundation of your parents having been together, my parents before my father passed away, they were married for 54 years. Lots of fights. My dad is a hot blooded, was a hot blooded Arab, and my mom was stoic, kind of, you know, with English background and immigrant versus Ohio girl.
A lot of differences. And there were quite a few arguments, you know, and things were very loving and yet also very volatile at times. So there's, there's this experience of being in kind of sometimes rocky, rocky days with your parents, and yet there was never a fear. That love ends. There was never a fear that, oh my gosh, what's gonna happen here?
I'm, I'm, I'm kind of careening off a, off a cliff. I was very secure. I had no, no issues when they fought, it's like, gosh, that's a bummer. You know, no child likes to see their parents fight, but I knew that divorce was off the table always, and so that security was there. That is priceless. To give that to your child is just, is absolutely priceless.
For the child of divorce, we have an, there's an analogy here in the, in the book, it's, it's like standing on an ice, an ice cap, you know, a floating iceberg, and you could kind of navigate that. If it's firm under, you're like, okay, I'm just standing on this. It's, it's a little rocky sometimes when a split or divorce happens, it's like, okay, the ice, ice cap breaks the iceberg, you know, breaks.
And now you've got one foot on one side and one foot on the other, and things start to move and shift and you're really having trouble keeping your balance. And people might see that you're still standing. Okay, look, she's still standing. Look at that. She's doing great, but you're really putting everything into this and, and it is.
Exhausting. And you're scared and you're anxious, and you're afraid you're gonna fall. And then there might be, your foundation might have split once, but what if your foundation has split with subsequent divorces? Then you've got, you know, four different ice pieces you're standing on trying to stay afloat is to stay upright.
You know, and then some, some pieces might float off like step grandparents that you loved, but they're gone now. Or, you know, step siblings and other parent, you know, stepparents that left. You're navigating so many different things, trying to just stand and it is exhausting all the time. And it can lead to just, again, depression and anxiety.
And there's an idea that you're gonna use a coping mechanism that you might have used as a child in your own marriage. So you're, you're in your marriage and things are, things are happening with your husband. Maybe there's some. , you don't know any better than to use these coping mechanisms that might have kept you afloat, right?
Yeah. As a child, a divorce, but that don't necessarily work when you're talking to a husband. So that's a real problem. And, and these are self-preservation measures. Things like ignoring problems or trying to minimize things or, or putting up a per a perfect facade, trying to be perfect all the time, or, or isolate cutting yourself off and being very independent.
Well, those things aren't gonna work with a husband where there needs to be intimacy and there needs to be friendship and, and, uh, communication and understanding. So there are all these different things that are happening, and yet you, you, you're, again, you're, you're someone who is, is expected to pull this off seamlessly and you might look good from the outside.
It might look like everything's going well, but inside you're just a complete mess and you think that everything is, you know, falling apart and, and inside you might be falling apart. So, Appearances are deceiving. You know, when people suddenly implode and leave their marriages, a lot of times it's because all of this just blew up and, and they just, they just couldn't maintain this balance anymore.
So we have to really be aware that it's normal to have these, these wounds, but we have to give, the daughters have divorced the tools to overcome those wounds and be able to have the stable marriage so that we can, you know, heal the generations. Amen. Yeah. Wow. No, and thank you for going into so much detail and I know, you know, so many people listening right now can resonate with so much of what you said, and I think it is important at this point.
Um, as you alluded to that there is hope and there are things that you can do to cope in healthy ways, but also heal and grow and go beyond. A lot of these wounds and I, I'd love to turn to that, if that's okay. Mm-hmm. , you know, based on what you've learned, what advice would you have for women listening right now, whose parents are divorced when it comes to navigating marriage?
Number one is to always remember that God is with you, okay? God is with you. God is your biggest cheerleader. You know, God and the saints, Mary and the saints, everyone is, is on your side. Everyone wants to defeat this, this spirit of divorce in your family and in the generations. So number one, turn to turn to God in prayer.
Always give it to him. Give it everything to him. There's a principle that I like to. Talk a lot about lately. Actually, I, I learned this from Father Riper, the famous exorcist. He said, and this is just a Catholic principle, so it's nothing he made up. The emotions must always be subordinate to our intellect and our will.
Okay, that's right. Order. And part of what we wanna do as we go into our own marriages, you know, if your child had divorce is to put everything in right order that, that's gonna heal a lot right there. So the first thing we have to know is, again, and I'll preface it by saying this, you don't have to repeat your parents' mistakes.
That that is number one, I don't care if it's a mantra, you have to say every day you're your own person. You make your own decisions, you're your own moral agent. Yes, you may have habits of reaction. That are negative, that are, are unhealthy, but you can change those habits, right? That's how we change from vice to virtue anyways, we, vice is a habit and virtue is a habit and sometimes it's tedious, but you just have to keep repeating the virtue, you know, repeating the truth till we get to a habit and then it becomes a part of us.
So, When we talk about the emotions having to be subordinate to the intellect of the will, what I, what I mean by that and what the church has always taught is everything starts in the mind. Everything is a thought. The scripture says you have to take captive your thoughts. Even sin. Sin begins with a thought.
You have to will a sin. You have to make a decision. So with your marriage and with just, just an understanding of what happened to you as a child or even as an adult, if your parents were, uh, divorced as you were. Your knowledge is that was wrong. That was an injustice to the child, to the children of that, of that marriage.
Someone sinned, right? Someone, it doesn't have to be both, but somewhere, someone sinned enough that that marriage fell apart. Mm-hmm. have that knowledge. Say, okay, that's not how it was supposed to be. It's not right order. It was an injustice. I know that's not how it has to be, and I know that God will help me in my own marriage.
So find out what the knowledge, what is marriage? Uh, you know, it's meant to be permanent. Okay. How can I get there from here? Then have the knowledge of the tools that we need, you know, decide what is it, what do we need to, to go forward here and do and do it well? Again, your number one tool is your. Your number one tool is applying your will to what you know, so that if you get a feeling of anxiety or fear, you're not gonna let that be the determining factor of what you do.
Mm-hmm. , you think and you say, Nope, I know. I know what, I know what marriage is. I know that I love my husband. I know that I'm not gonna repeat this for my children. I'm gonna put my will, I'm gonna, I'm gonna apply my will to what I know. Is God's will and then my emotion can just kind of sit there. I'll, I'll sit there with that, but I'm not going to let it be the determiner of what happens to my marriage.
Hmm. So, so those are kind of tools you have to put everything in right. Order to start to heal the disorder, if that makes sense. Yeah. No, it absolutely does. And that, that's so helpful. And what I hear you saying too, kind of underneath all this, and you mentioned it a little bit earlier in the interview, is you really have to start Yeah.
With the, the awareness and not only of the divorce being impactful on you, but also of the fact that like, hey, it's not uncommon to struggle in these ways if you come from a divorced family. And I think that's so freeing cuz what we've seen again and again from the experts we've spoken to, as well as just the stories that you've told that we've had on this podcast is awareness is that first step in healing and overcoming and in building virtue truly to, to build the beautiful marriage.
And so you truly can, and I've seen this in my own marriage and in the marriages of other children of divorce, is. You can struggle in one area, for example. Conflict has always been something really difficult for me. I, I tend to get really defensive and I think it's because on some level I feel like I'm like kind of fighting for my own survival, which is an overreaction to, you know, what, what the situation usually is.
But it's something like deeply ingrained in me that I've had to work through. And so what I've done is, you know, What's the proper way to handle conflict? Learn that, you know, learn from the experts who figured it out, learn from other really good marriages. And not to hold myself, uh, up on a pedestal by any means, but just to be kind of a Guinea pit, an example to everyone.
I've definitely grown there. I've improved, I've, I'm able to better handle conflict now to where I'm not triggered as much. I don't get as offensive. I'm able to talk things through better, uh, with my wife and even. Healthy resolution. And so I think, uh, for everyone listening right now, who maybe feel, feels overwhelmed with all of this, uh, one of those tools and, and just to give you hope that, that you can accomplish this is, you know, hand on conflict.
Well, and there's other tools as well, but I just wanna give you guys hope that, uh, you don't have to say suck where you are. You can grow, you can heal, you can build the virtues that you need in order to have a, a more beautiful marriage and. Can get to a point where you're not always on high alert.
That's one of the main things I wanted to say, because there's so many of us. I think we do feel that, like you said before, like the other shoe's about to drop, like there's a disaster around every corner. Like we're, our spouse is gonna leave us. Especially if maybe mom or dad just kind of uped and left in the middle of the night, um, we might feel like, oh gosh, that's gonna happen to me at any point.
So I think it's a, it's so helpful, the tips you're giving as well as just this idea that you. Grow, you can improve, you can become a better version of yourself. And that's beautiful because as you were discussing that, it, it's exactly how virtue works, which is it, it just, it becomes a habit. Like you, you had to rethink and redo and, and act differently.
And then really, um, it's almost tedious, but you have to keep coming back to the right way to respond. And, and like you said, you're doing better. Like it's. and that's what people, it was like being an athlete. You know, you can't just give up after the first or second day that you work out. You have to keep going and you're gonna have setbacks and, and when you have a setback, you just start again.
I mean, that's, that's the spiritual life anyway. That's, that's actually how saints are made. And, and I will say this too, like you said, you know, waiting for the other shoe to drop this, this catastrophe that may be just around the corner if, if you are married to. Someone who is from an intact family, they are probably completely unaware of what you're going through internally.
Mm. So it is really helpful, and I've noticed this just from my work with the children of divorce. It is really helpful to make sure that your spouse understands the wounds you have from your parents' divorce. It, it, it will open up their eyes and, and actually it will be a great relief to them usually because a lot of times the spouses of the children of.
If they're not from divorce themselves, they don't understand a lot of the reactions or coping mechanisms or, or fighting techniques or whatever it is that their spouse is doing in the marriage. And it, it, it could be kind of alarming. It could seem very irrational. And that's important for the spouse to know, like, oh, okay, okay.
It's not. It's that, you know, my wife is, is trying to work out the issues that she had as a child from the devastation of, of watching her parents' marriage blow up. But we never think about that cuz, you know, everybody's just supposed to be fine. We're all supposed to just know how to do marriage Well again, the child from an intact family at least knows the part about how to stay.
Hmm. And so the other person doesn't. And so that, that's where all the, the conflict comes in and the, and the unreasonable ways of, of coping. Tell that intact, you know that, that that husband or spouse of an intact marriage, what you're struggling with and why they're clueless. I could tell you we are clueless
We are, we are clueless, and, and if you have a spouse who is from divorce also, then help each other. Then you can really kind of dive into. These mutual struggles that you probably have because there's probably more of that than, than you recognize and, and then you know, that's less isolating you, you both would then have the same types of concerns or anxieties perhaps.
So, so that's helpful too. So God will give us what we need as long as we're aware. Again, like you said, be aware and then, and then speak to your spouse. Hmm. That's beautiful. One thing along those lines that has been helpful for me. Communicating what I need to. My wife and I know for a long time, people from divorced families, we, we tend to be very int.
Not always, but there's this clear trend that we tend to be like very fiercely independent, where we don't really like relying on other people. And the reason that I've come to with that is that we feel like people are just gonna let us down because we felt that by our parents who we relied on more than anyone.
And so we tend to like, kind of shy away, keep people at arms length often. And so, um, it can be really helpful. Communicate that, Hey, you know, I need this from you, I need that from you. This is really helpful for me. And it's kind of humbling to be honest, especially as a man, I feel like to, to tell your wife like, Hey, you know, this is like really helpful.
It gives me life, it helps me to feel loved. All, all those things. And so that, that's kind of something to add along to, uh, what you already said, which is such good advice. And going a little bit further. There. I think there's this need for a lot of us to make virtue really practical. So if it's okay, let's talk about that for a second.
I'd love to hear maybe. How in your life you've focused on building virtue. And one thing I wanted to offer is a great book that everyone could read called Atomic Habits. It's a secular book, but it's, uh, very good. It breaks down kind of how habits are formed and, and how you can go through, you know, replacing bad habits, vices, or, you know, starting good habits virtues.
And there's four parts to have. I've always found this really helpful, uh, in trying to build virtue in my own life personally, what I do, Lela. Every week I get a reminder on my phone to pick a new virtue for the week. And sometimes it's the same in as last week, but it's something that I want to, like, keep front and center.
And so, um, every day I'll get reminded too, like, Hey, you're working on humility this week, or selflessness. And so then I'll of course bring that into my prayer life and ask God for the grace to actually live out that virtue, but in very small ways I can start living that virtue out. And it's not something I'm advertising by any means, but it's something that I'm, I'm trying to do every single day.
And so that little system has been helpful for me, but. Reading this book, atomic Habits has been great because in the book he breaks down, uh, James Claire, the author breaks Sam the habits into four parts. He says, the first part is the cue, whatever triggers you to do a habit. The next part is the craving, right?
The thing that kind of propels you forward toward the behavior, which is the third part that the action that you're taking. And then finally there's a reward. And so a typical example is like eating, right? We all have the habit of eating. So the cue would be maybe the time of day or feeling hungry. The craving would be, oh, I want to eat food, right?
I want this food smells good. I want to eat it. The, the behavior would be cooking the food or buying the food and eating the food. And the reward would be that it tastes good, you know, gives your body the nutrients that it needs, hopefully, uh, and so on. And so what he says is, if you wanna start a good habit, What you need to do is focus on these four parts for the queue.
He said the queue has to be very obvious. The, the, the craving has to be attractive, right? You need to make it attractive to do these good things. Uh, the behavior has to be easy. Doesn't mean that every be, every virtue is gonna be super easy, but it has to be somewhat easy. At least simple. And then the reward needs to be satisfying.
And so you can kind of game these different parts and um, it's, it's really fun to play with and, and can be very effective. Like there's incredible stories of people, uh, kinda on a physical level who've just lost, you know, a hundred pounds because they've used these principles to be more active, to eat healthier and so on.
And so I'm curious in your life, and I mean go on a monologue there, but I'm curious in your life Yeah. What's been helpful for you in terms of developing virtue, building virtue? That's a great question, by the way. I like that a lot. That's really a game plan. I love that. Like it's very practical building virtue.
Well, you know, I'm, I'm 55 years old and I'm just starting to learn how to virtue . But I think, like I said, number one was really helpful. The idea that, you know, emotions are subordinate to intellect and will, that for me is really helpful to me personally because instead of, I, I heard from, I think it was Dan Burke that said, you know, saints don.
React, they respond. Mm-hmm. . So, you know, to get to the point where you're not reacting, and again, I think Father Riper said, you know, we usually, our triggers are antecedent emotions. They're whatever came before, we're just kind of programmed to react the same way we did before. And so, so we kind of have to fight against that, which is, again, what do I know first I have to go to, what do I know?
I have to stop, think, and then apply my will. So that, that has helped me quite a bit. The other thing is, In a marriage, especially focusing on myself and my own vices and my own, you know, virtues and prayer life and overcoming that, again, through, through habituation is important because until we begin to actually focus on ourselves, we can't fix.
Our vices. So the shift from looking at other people to looking at ourselves is, is huge but difficult, especially for women in a marriage cuz I don't know if you know, but many of us women, we like to fix our husbands. So when you do that, you're not looking at yourself. And uh, so for the virtue for women, it's okay, stop thinking how you can make your husband better and start thinking about how you.
Become more virtuous yourself. Yeah. And so, wow. Then it is about, like you said, it's, it's about, uh, very practical terms. And in, in my case, it's more, it has been more about finally, uh, getting into the practice of not being haphazard with a prayer life, for example. Now I do go to daily mass every single day.
Obviously it wasn't easy when you have little kids, but. I don't miss daily mass. Uh, I'm finally, it's easy, you know, it was really hard. Now it's easy. I do a daily rosary and a family rosary that, that was always very hard up until my fifties even. But now I do it and it's very easy. A daily mental prayer.
Uh, a daily novena, all these different, a holy hour a week. Those are things that. You know, I always look forward to my meals every day. I'm kind of a gluttony is kind of one of my things. But, well, if I could look forward to, okay, at this time I'm gonna be eating, uh, my eggs, you know, for breakfast or at this time, why can't I do the same thing with good things that are, you know, more spiritual, a more he, uh, developing virtue.
Like, okay, at this time I will be at mass at this time I'm going to pray my novena. At this time I'm gonna sit in front of Jesus in the blessed sacrament. And I know not all your listeners are Catholic, but for, for the. That's a really wonderful habit to be in, and those sort of things start to change you because then you're starting to think about God more than than the other person you're trying to maybe fix, and even you're putting God above yourself.
You're thinking of God and you want to please him. So it's kind of this self forgetfulness, but being in the habit of doing these things that come as a routine, maybe that's the word I'm looking for. You have to have routines, just like the monks and nuns have, have a plan of life. They actually have a rule, a rule of life.
Well, we, we, in the, we lay people out here in the world. We have to have something that's a bit of a routine that we can kind of get into the habit of these things. So it's not easy, of course it's not. No, but, but it's something that, you know, it's never too late to start. We're showing this to our children.
Like I have kids, you know, from age 31 down to 12. My earlier kids, my older kids, they didn't see us do the habit of daily rosary or family rosary. But, but now, you know, we're in the habit of that for the, for the, for the last few kids. Mm-hmm. . So again, it's not gonna happen necessarily all at once, but it's a goal and you wanna at least have those goals and try to try to fit them in.
And eventually they do become habit. That's beautiful. One of the things that's always been really encouraging to me when it comes to building virtue, cuz it can feel like you're just set back so often it's like, okay, I've been really good with, you know, controlling my temper or something and it's like, oh, then I got in this argument and kind of lost my temper.
It's like, oh, I'm set back to kind of square one. Um, one of the things that's been really helpful is. Just remembering that you can make these 1% improvements, these incremental improvements, and, but in time, if you do that consistently, you're gonna see a ton of growth in that book I mentioned Atomic Habits.
He tells the story of the British cycling team. They were like the worst cycling team in, you know, these, um, Bike races and the Olympics as well. They were just horrible. And they got a new coach. And the coach when he came in, he just focused on these 1% improvements, as he said, these really small improvements.
And they did those, um, over a few years to the point where these British cyclists were ending up finishing first, or finishing in the top five. And I think even winning a lot of gold medals. And so there's an incredible power in that. So if anyone listening, if you feel overwhelmed, feeling like, oh gosh, I have so many vices, I, so many virtues I need to build, uh, start.
Start really small, do those little things every day, the incremental improvements. And in time you're gonna look up in the middle, realize, wow, okay, I am a better person, I'm a more virtuous person. I think that's the goal, uh, for all of us. And there's so much that you said I wanna talk, talk about, but just a few kind of highlights of what I'm learning from you is, one, God's grace is essential.
And for anyone listening who doesn't know much about grace, God's grace is basically his life in us, in our souls. And one of the functions of grace in our souls is that it helps us to do good and avoid evil, right? Live up virtue, avoid vice, and going further in that one of the functions is that it strengthens our will.
So it strengthens our will. So we can choose what is good. Likely mentioned our will is always the really the main factor. In living out virtue. And so that, that was a great lesson Le And then the other thing you said about like just pausing in those moments where you wanna react and instead respond psychiatrist Victor Frankel, he is an awesome quote that I love going back to again and again.
If you've listened to this podcast for a time, you've probably heard me say this, and that is, uh, between stimulus. And response. There is a space in that. Space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth and our freedom. And what he's saying there basically is the stimulus, the thing that makes you feel something or wanna react a certain way.
And your response, you're more thoughtful words or actions. Um, that there's a space. And if you can lengthen that space and pause a second, then you're gonna be able to better respond in a way that really aligns with who you want to. The type of person that you want to be. And so I've always found that helpful.
And then the final thing, just to tie this all together, when it comes to marriage, one thing I've learned studying beautiful married couples and reading research about marriage is that the more virtuous the couple, the happier the marriage always. It's always the case. And so what we're talking about here for, especially for all you women listening who come from divorced families, is if you can focus on building these virtue, It's gonna help you deal with a lot of the brokenness that you carry into your marriage to the point where it might not even be a struggle one day, which is really beautiful.
I've seen that in people's marriages, and so that's why we're talking so much about virtue here and, and there's so much more we can say. But le, any final thoughts when it comes to virtue before we move on? Yeah. You know, something that Lean gave me that I included in the book was this idea that we can paint a picture in our mind's eye of what we want.
Of the, of the beautiful family that God intended for us. So, you know, you could think about being there always for your husband, uh, having your children in your home, in an intact family, your children and, and their spouses, and your grandchildren coming home for Christmas. You know, as they get older, and you can paint that picture in your mind's eye and realize this is an ordered beautiful picture.
And, and use that as a motivation, like make it happen. You know, this is my future. This is what I believe God. Has in store for us if we just follow his, his, his law and, and get those habits of virtue and just, and, and keep those vows, those sacred promises that we said before the Lord and witnesses. And there is this, this motivation to see a future very, very different from the one that your parents had.
Not full of brokenness but full of, of love and family and, and, and whole. I thought that was very beautiful. I'm like, yeah, you know, we always tell people to visualize things and why not visualize your beautiful future? When you, when you live your marriage out in a way that is different from your parents and you don't have to follow their pattern, there's nothing that says that you have to do what they did.
Hmm. I love that. That's actually been, that's been really helpful for my wife and I. We didn't pick up on that piece of advice that you said right away, but in time, just realize like, yeah, how important it's to have that vision for your marriage and for your family, and I remember, It took us a while to get to this point.
We had tried for a while and just kind of pretty much failed, fell in our face of like creating this whole vision. But in time we eventually, I remember sitting in like our living room, it was like a dark living room. We're just sitting there just talking, kind of like dreaming a little bit, like, Hey, what do we want our family?
What do we want our marriage to look like? And we went through different areas of our life, just like, you know, you're saying like Lean was saying. And that was really helpful for us. It kind of gave us something to work towards, a mountain top to climb towards, and we broke it down into different areas of our life and we're actually gonna be producing some content in the future on this as well.
It's a really simple exercise that people can go through because I love this piece of advice and so thank you for mentioning that. And again, I've benefited from that same advice and I hope everyone listening to can, you know, make use of that exercise when we're able to put that together. Hmm. Well, and keep in mind a marriage is a life's.
It is a life's work. And if you fall, this is another, you know, just practical tip, you just get up immediately. There's, uh, father Timothy Gallagher does a lot on, um, on this. He has, uh, the book called, I think it's called, it's something about spiritual discouragement, how to overcome spiritual discouragement, and he quotes a blessed or a Saint Bruno Tani, I think his name is, where his whole focus is immediately start.
It, it's just, wow. It's kind of like the mantra in his mind is just start again immediately, and that word immediately and start again, just comes back again and again. So it doesn't matter what just happened two seconds ago. Start again. Everything is new. Everything is new. That's great advice. Thank you so much.
And I want to shift gears a little bit before we finish out our interview and kind of go upstream. So obviously the source of so much of the, these struggles, so many of these struggles that we're talking about for women of divorce or daughters of divorces, Is the divorce itself? Is the dysfunction at home, everything, all the trauma that they have endured there.
And so I wanna give you a chance to speak to the parents. Mm-hmm. , perhaps parents right now who are in a really difficult marriage. What advice would you give to a parent listening who, who does find himself or herself in a really difficult marriage? Take divorce off the table. Even if there is a situation where you have to physically separate, take divorce off the table, because if you take divorce off the table, everything else opens up as a possibility.
There is something in the mind of the church, which we've kind of forgotten, but this is still the mind of the church and it is still in Canon law even. It is what Christ said is what St. Paul said. I'm gonna read you something if you don't mind, that Pope Leo the 13th. And this is in 1880. Pope Leo the 13th said, and again, these are for those hard cases, he said, when indeed matters have come to such a pitch that it seems impossible for spouses to live together any longer, then the church allows them to live apart and strives at the same time.
To soften the evils of this separation by such remedies and helps as are suited to their condition. Yet she never ceases to endeavor to bring about a reconciliation and never despairs of doing so. That's the mind of the church. So whatever you're going through, whatever you're going through, Again, this is a lifetime vow.
This is something that is going to have some people get through it very easily and it's a very happy marriage. Other people have heavy, heavy crosses, but there's no destiny to divorce. That's not destiny. You have a choice. So thankfully, most of these problems and people headed towards divorce are low conflict divorce.
Stay away from any well-meaning friends who are trying to put a wedge between you and your husband or wife, depending on which parent I'm talking to. Most of the time, priested counselors and therapists, even Catholic ones or Christian ones, aren't gonna have the tools to help you. You need to seek out people who don't believe in divorce and go from there.
You need to seek out groups of friends who will not push you to divorce or, or whisper those, you know, pretty lies in your. You are going to make the difference for the generations that come after you. If you, if you break this family, it is likely to be the lot of the next generations, and then Satan has one, not just a soul or two, but generations.
So you have a lot of power in your hands. Do everything you can to take divorce off the table. Patiently, patiently live out those vows and see what God does. He will work miracles. I have seen it again and again. I wrote a whole book on it called Impossible Marriages Redeemed. Yeah. They didn't end the story in the middle.
Don't end God's story in the middle there, there, there is help. There are people who can help. Not as many as we need, but there are more and more coming. Don't give up. Thank you so much. And one kind of side note on that, I, I wanted to ask if there are any stories you can think of from that book and possible marriages redeemed to give everyone hope that, hey, if you push through these hard times, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Because I think so often when we're in the midst of these, Conflicts when we're in the midst of a lot of brokenness in our marriages. It can be so tempting, like you said, because of our culture, to just think like, well, divorce is the only option there. There's nothing else. So there, yeah. Any stories that you can think of that would offer hope that, hey, if you persevere through this, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh gosh. There are so many there. There's so many. Off the top of my head, there was one woman who, her husband left. two different times. He divorced her two different times, civilly. Wow. Um, they had gotten back together once and divorced again. He had other, another civil wife. One of the times, each time they got back together, she, she'd have another baby.
So she ended up, I think they had seven children at the end. Well, turns out, you know, she never gave up. She never gave up even when they were living in different states, and it turns out that he had a massive conversion. Back to her, back to the faith, back to the family. And they spent the last 20 years, she's now in her seventies.
In fact, her dear, dear husband just passed away. I, I heard like last month, but they got back together in their fifties. Their children are thriving. Every one of their seven children is in a devoutly Catholic marriage. Although I think when they lost to, uh, ALS one of their sons. But he was just a wonderful human being.
Also, she, uh, and her husband lived the last 20 years of their marriage. In absolute joy, in in, in the same type of joy they had when they got married originally. And there was forgiveness, there was redemption, and she went on to really help a lot of younger wives who. Are struggling to try to tell them and explain to them this is about prayer and God's grace and being at peace.
You made your vow and just trust God. He will bring something beautiful out of it. If you are faithful, he will be faithful as well. And we don't know what that's gonna look like. But for her it was the redemption of her marriage decades later to where they had a beautiful life and their and their children are and grandchildren are just thrive.
Wow, that's beautiful. That's so inspiring and uh, I hope everyone can pick up that book and the book Women Made New, in addition to your chapter, there's so many other chapters that, uh, women can, can learn from and men, like you said, can benefit from it as well. So thank you for writing this and I'm curious how can people buy the book and how can people follow you if they'd like to?
So the book, I believe can be bought@ewtnpublishing.com and the religious catalog. If people are familiar with EWTN religious catalog, I believe it's available there. Again, it's Lina Effort is the one who, uh, put this together and people can find me and, and my books, uh, and writings on marriage and and marriage support@laylamiller.net.
That's spelled l e i l a, Miller dot. Awesome. Thank you so much. And I do see the book on Amazon too, for everyone who, uh, wants to grab it there, which is great. But either one works wonderful. And, uh, yeah, again, thank you so much for spending time with us, for all of your wisdom and for all you're doing.
For those of us who come from divorced families who come from broken families, I, I, I can't thank you enough. And Joey, can I just say I wanna thank you for writing the book you did, which is called It's Not Your Fault, which is, I think, one of a kind. It's the only thing out there like that, which helps to, you know, children of divorce navigate through a lot of different difficult situations in their life.
So thank you for that. Of course. Um, you're doing such wonderful work, so I, I appreciate you. No, my pleasure. And I, we have a great team over here and you've been so helpful as well. And so, yeah, I can't thank you enough and um, really appreciate the, the kind words there. I want to give you the last word in closing out the interview.
Uh, what words of encouragement would you give to especially the women listening who come from, uh, divorce families, broken families? Who feel broken, who feel stuck, who are struggling in their own marriages or maybe just afraid of marriage altogether? What encouragement, what advice would you give them as a final word?
I would say you're not destined to divorce just because your parents did and because you have suffering in your life and struggles and trials. That is not the worst thing. In fact, that's a cross that's been given to you for your own sanctification, and if you understand the gift of carrying that cross, you will become a saint.
Your family will benefit. Your children will see you. Overcoming so much of your past to become someone that is renewed. It is a gift from God. Whether you understand that now or not, you will look at retrospect and you will see every struggling and every suffering you have been given is a gift from God for your sanctification and for the the blessing of your family going forward.
Ladies and men, listen. What's one thing that you can do today or this week to heal and to build virtues so that you can build the life and the marriage that you want? Even if you're in a marriage, maybe right now, that isn't the marriage that you want, how can you work towards that marriage that you want, that life that you want?
What's one thing you can do today or this week from this? That will help you accomplish that. I encourage you all to pick up the new book that Lela contributed to. Women Made New. Again, you can click on the link in the show notes to get that. If you do wanna buy the book that Lela mentioned that I wrote titled It's Not Your Fault, A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems From Your Parents' Divorce.
It's really easy to do that. Just go to ReSTOR. ministry.com/books. Again, restored ministry ministry singular.com/books. So just click on the link in the show notes and on that page, you can buy the book on Amazon. You can even get the first chapters for free. And the book itself covers 33 questions and answers in the most pressing challenges faced by teenagers and young adults from broken families, such as After my family broke apart, I felt abandoned, unwanted, inadequate, and even rejected is something wrong with me.
What's your advice for navigating the holidays and other life event? How do I avoid repeating my parents' mistakes and build a healthy marriage? And so many more questions. And the content itself is based on research, expert advice, common sense, and real life stories. And after reading, it's not your fault.
Teens and young adults will learn how to handle the trauma of their parents' divorce or separation, how to. Build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pain and problems. They'll learn healing tactics to help them feel whole again. They'll learn how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God, and how to make important decisions about their future.
Again, if you want that book, you can go to restored ministry.com/books to buy it or to get the first chapters for free, or just click the link in the show notes again, restored ministry.com/books, or just click on the link in the show. And given the topic today, we wanted to offer a free PDF guide to you.
It's called Seven Tips to Build a Thriving and Divorce Proof Marriage. And if you benefited from the tips in this episode on relationships and marriage, this content in this free guide follow suit and it even goes deeper as well. And so if you want that guide again, seven Tips to Build a Thriving and Divorce Proof Marriage, you can get that@restoredministry.com.
Marriage ReSTOR ministry.com/marriage because the truth is we all desire love that lasts, but if we're honest, most of us don't know how to build it. And to make matters worse, so often we're just discouraged by the prevalence of divorce and we fear that our own marriages are gonna end that way, especially if we saw our parents' marriage.
And that way. And so in this practical guide for, for singles, for couples, we have for a Roadmap for love, and it's based on marriage research, on, on really beautiful time tested couples and Christianity's wisdom. Uh, the guide contains seven tips, as I said, on building that thriving and divorce proof marriage.
And in addition to the written guide, you're gonna get a free 60 minute talk on the same topic. And again, we've heard a lot of great feedback about this, talk about this guide as well, and. To get the guide again in the bonus talk, just go to restored ministry.com/marriage. Just enter your name and email and then we'll send you the PDF guide in the talk.
Again, restored ministry.com/marriage, or just click on the link in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents' divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
I Became a Recluse
“I think I processed my parents’ divorce by being a reclusive person when I would be at my dad's house on the weekend visits or being a poor student, I would ride my bike and work my paper route after school.”
2 minute read.
This story was written by Ken at 58 years old. His parents separated when he was 11. He gave permission for his story to be shared.
His STORY
I do not know specifically, my parents sat my sister (younger than myself) and I down and stated they were getting a divorce. I remember 3 very specific details 1) my sister said to me "I bet you're happy Mom and Dad are getting a divorce" and 2) both my Mom and Dad are standing on opposite sides of me in my Dad's garage of his rental house and both asked me which parent do I want to live with? 3) I believe after years of realizing some memories from my past that my Dad's adultery with another woman he worked with was part of the reason, which he ended up marrying, but the marriage lasted less than 1 year.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE him FEEL
I think I processed by being a reclusive person when I would be at my dad's house on the weekend visits or being a poor student, I would ride my bike and work my paper route after school. I also did not maintain a healthy weight from an early age and was made fun of it as the "fat" kid because of that.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED him
When I visit my Dad's home on weekend visits I also turned to pornography as an escape, also food/eating/junk food binging and being a loner and later a rescuer to help others more than I knew I needed help as a deflection outlet.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
I would say that after talking with a mentor I worked with and reading the book earlier this year, "The Power Of The Other" by Dr. Henry Cloud, and reading about the 4 corners. I decided I needed to tell someone about how Pornography was consuming me and I needed help, I had tried therapy, but I did not pursue it, I also read the book provided through SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous and reading the real-life stories is very powerful. I also did not know this podcast was a thing (suffering in silence for many, many years) but found it by shear accident one day and started listening to your episodes and found there are others out there, and this podcast is a HUGE help in understanding what I have gone through and that I am enough and I can get help and can make a difference to somebody else.
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I Was Walking On Eggshells
“Deep down I knew something about my stemom’s actions was wrong, but I convinced myself it was okay as a method of self-preservation. Interacting with her made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells, and I was always worried I would "do the wrong thing" around her and as a result, she'd do more to keep me away from my dad.”
2 minute read.
This story was written by Alana at 22 years old. Her parents separated when she was 5. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
My parents divorced when I was 5 and I honestly remember very little about my life from then until about 4th grade. I think I suppressed all those memories because it was filled with so much arguing and my younger brother always got much more attention than I did simply because he needed it more than me. Our dad always did the best he could to be active in my life, and he did an excellent job of that, but my mom's alcoholism and other personal problems got worse as I got older.
My dad remarried my abusive stepmom when I was 14, and she constantly tried to isolate me and my brother from our dad and from the rest of my dad's family as well. They're currently getting a divorce since my dad finally recognizes this abuse. My mom also remarried when I was 19 to a guy who is generally nice, but he enables my mom's excessive drinking behaviors.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL
It made me feel like I had no one to share my emotions with, and I never grew super close to either of my parents. My mom was much more invested in work or my brother, so I was just kinda on autopilot. My dad tried to make a connection with me, but since we didn't see him that much, it was hard. As a result, I would feel extremely uncomfortable sharing my own thoughts and emotions with others. I didn't even really know what anger felt like until I was 21 because I had repressed anger my whole life as a form of self-preservation.
It's taken 4 years of unpacking my childhood in order to start to get comfortable sharing my emotions, but I still feel like I can't talk to my mom about anything really. I was also extremely confused because I thought the abusive things my stepmom did were "normal." Deep down I knew something about her actions was wrong, but I convinced myself it was okay as a method of self-preservation. Interacting with her made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells, and I was always worried I would "do the wrong thing" around her and as a result, she'd do more to keep me away from my dad.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
As a teen it made me cling to unhealthy relationships with guys just to get the affection and attention that I didn't get from my parents. When I would think about my future in a potential marriage, I was terrified that I wouldn't know how to function because I had never seen how a marriage is supposed to work. I was also scared I wouldn't know how to be a good mother. I trusted that God would somehow use my parent's divorce to still teach me something, though, and looking back now I see all the ways that it prepared me for my current marriage.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
God doesn't give us crosses for no reason. No matter how bad the situation is, He uses it for something good. You might not find out what that reason is until years later, but your experiences will not go to waste. For me, it's helped me identify unhealthy practices in relationships, and has therefore helped me develop good practices in my marriage. It has also let me help a number of my friends and kids I work with as their own parents go through separation or divorce. As painful as my parent's divorce and other relationships have been, I am thankful that I experienced it so I can help others.
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I Grew Up Far Too Fast
“I had to step up at a time when my brother and I felt our father had abandoned us (mind you, my brother acted out to this trauma in extreme ways of violent and angry behavior). My sense of empathy heightened, and my maturity shot through the roof. I grew up far too fast because of these situations and have felt the long-lasting effects throughout my life.”
2 minute read.
This story was written by Chloe at 23 years old. Her parents separated when she was 9. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
My mother was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma before I turned 9, not exactly sure what year, but it turned her world upside down, to say the least. Money was tight, we were in a recession, and she was barely keeping things together for both my younger brother and myself. My father decided this situation was enough to run away from, and so, found comfort in a very close female friend. What first was only talking over the phone, quickly turned into a visit across states, that then turned into an affair. Though he claims he and my mother were only "separated," they were not in fact divorced. It's funny, my mom and I just recently found the legal document of their divorce. On November 16th, 2010, it was finalized.
Furthermore, the woman he had been seeing, moved to our home state to be with him. She became my stepmother in a way, though they never married. I care about this woman very much, and I still keep her around in my life for I do not hold anything against her. Over the last 12 years that she and my father have been together, he has had 5 accounts of cheating on her that she knows of. My brother and I were always aware of the first two and the very last one, which has rattled our reality just this past year, as he has since broken up with our "stepmother" to be with this other woman. The first one was the biggest trauma I have suffered, considering my father was having an affair with a 19-year-old girl, and he always talked about this adult relationship with my brother and me when we were still children.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL
I remember the day my father sat both my brother and I down on the couch to break the news. I remember it profoundly. I have a very good memory and remember accounts of my father's behavior over the course of my entire life that I feel I have analyzed him as a whole person, knowing all of his tells and all of his flaws. I had to be overtly aware of everything as a child, picking up on his behavior, as well as other peoples'. I had to step up at a time when my brother and I felt our father had abandoned us (mind you, my brother acted out to this trauma in extreme ways of violent and angry behavior). My sense of empathy heightened, and my maturity shot through the roof. I grew up far too fast because of these situations and have felt the long-lasting effects throughout my life.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her
I was not given the right therapy as a child to thoroughly talk through my feelings. Because of this, I have therapized myself as an older woman and am still on this self-healing journey--even when I feel I have healed enough. I would encourage anyone who is going through divorced parents to seek professional help and talk through it.
The divorce of my parents has affected me more than I realize, but it is the actions of my father that have traumatized me the most out of everything. It has fatally wounded my perception of love and even in my very first relationship ever with my boyfriend, whom I just met last year in college, I find these traumas are affecting me in various ways, such as shutting down in moments of emotional distress, self-sabotaging my own relationship, suffering various insecurities, a massive fear of my partner cheating on me, and the fear of marrying the right person.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
We need more conversation that surrounds the wounds that divorced parents leave young children. Many people don't think of it as a massive trauma, as if traumas can be compared to one another. We must not belittle the trauma of a child of divorce, as it most likely will have long-lasting psychological impacts in the future.
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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.